Don’t know as I would destroy the note but I would call 911. I’m pretty damn sure where my genetic material has been the last 40 years so unless the baby is 41 I ain’t worried. 
Is the baby a girl? Is she cute? I’ll raise her by myself. I need a sidekick.
Announce to everyone I just adopted a baby. Warily watch for signs that s/he is the anti-Christ, but figure if we make it without issue until the child’s 11 or 12 it’s okay.
Thought I was the only one! 
Unless the note was poster-sized, I probably wouldn’t even see it before seeing the baby, swearing a lot, and dialing 911. And then swearing a lot more, because having had to file a police report on a crime before, I know I’ve just lost the next 5-8 hours of my life. I would spend the bulk of that time plotting revenge on the asshole that abandoned the baby while waiting for the police to bring me a form on a clipboard.
I would also know if I had birthed a child, so finding out they’d left an obviously false note to try to get someone in trouble would just piss me off even more.
However, realistically, I live in a building with a secure intercom access system. If someone unexpectedly rang my doorbell, I would call down on the intercom to find out who they are. If I got no answer, I would shrug and go back to whatever I was doing – I sure wouldn’t buzz them in or go all the way down to see who it was. They’d have to leave the baby outside in the courtyard, and I almost certainly wouldn’t be the first to stumble across it.
Calling 911 in my location wouldn’t work. I didn’t list the emergency number, not because I don’t know what it is, but because the specific number would be meaningless to most of you.
Well, the first thing I would do is think: “Damn, I got laid a year ago and I missed it!”
Call the authorities.
I will not need to explain that it’s not mine, as 1) I am physically incapable of “fathering” anyone and 2) the baby factory is shut down. As my spouse is sterile due to a documented medical issue going back several decades it’s not his either.
Seriously, what else would a sane person do other than call the police or child services?
Although there was no note claiming paternity, this did actually happen to some acquaintances of mine. They are a young white couple, early on in their careers.
The baby was dumped on their doorstep, wrapped in a blanket. She is black, so no paternity possibilities!
Anyway, they contacted the local authorities and Child Support, and actually very quickly arranged to adopt and keep the child.
They think that the mother must have targeted them on purpose; while unmarried they were a stable long-term couple, and (for their neighbourhood) relatively wealthy. But they have no idea who she is.
I’m not sure if it’s that easy. In my experience, most normal kid behavior is very easy to confuse with being the Antichrist.
Turn it over to CPS, as there’s obviously been a mistake.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“This is kayaker calling from 123 Main Street. As I was leaving for work this morning I noticed what appeared to be a human infant without a note on my front doorstep.”
“Please send an officer to pick up the infant. I am calling from my car, as I must get to work on time. My number is 555-543-1728 should there be any further questions.”
If it’s in a brown paper bag and on fire, I stomp om it.
Toss it in the nursery with the others, I suppose.
Although technically in New Jersey I don’t need to technically “do” anything besides walk to the nearest police station, fire station or hospital and drop it off in the next 30 days.
Have the baby stand next to me while I’m working underneath my jacked-up truck. You never know…
Shoot the hostage.
I laughed.
But for the record, I condemn the use of infants as projectiles.
Are you certain that calling 911 wouldn’t work? I ask because here in the states calling 999 will get you to the emergency line the same as 911 because you wouldn’t want someone from outside the country being unable to call because they don’t know the right number.
I’d call 911 and let the police take the kid. I’ve seen the only people who could conceivably be the mother in the past year and there were no pregnancies, so there is some kind of weird mix-up with the note. I wouldn’t touch the kid unless there was some imminent danger as I don’t know much about babies in the first place and would worry there’s some kind of setup or other weirdness. Even if I did have one-night stands who I wasn’t in contact with, I’d still call the police (and not get rid of the note) because I don’t want to commit a serious felony (evidence tampering) and would like the best chance of figuring out what’s going on. If somehow the kid turned out to be mine, I’d probably put it up for adoption, since I don’t want to raise kids.
Yep.