Well, if the wife is home we now have another kid. So, I guess we call the blue men over and explain “We dunno, we just found it. Can you run a check to verify it’s not stolen? Can we keep it?” And see where it goes from there.
Babby on the doorstep is pretty weird. Probably less believable than, “They wanted a babby but couldn’t make one, so they stole this one!” I don’t mind raising other people’s kids, but I don’t want no trouble.
First; destroy note
Second; call 911
Third… Profit!?! (By not having to deal with an annoying baby)
The chances of me fathering a child are zero, plus, I hate kids
Plus, the biggest risk to the brat would be my small flock of free range Miniature Feathered Velociraptors (nano raptors), also known as “chickens”, they’re aggressive enough to run the cat off his cat food, I have to feed the cat inside or he gets maybe three bites before being Zerg-Rushed by the MFV.
A defenseless soft skinned, meaty looking baby on the porch would trigger curiosity at first " what is it, can we eat it, doesn’t look like it could eat us", a few questioning pecks, and then an all out feeding frenzy, the Brat would be skeletonized quite quickly…
Heck, they still occasionally try to eat my fingers and I outmass them by several orders of magnitude, Og help me if I have a band aid where they can peck at it, or a welt from a bug bite, if it’s a red spot, they attack…
“Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast; for it is the number of a man; and his number is 666.” Book of Revelation Chapter 13 Verse 18
I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live!I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live! I Live!
As long as the kid isn’t doing that kind of thing, it can stay.
But what if it’s the only projectile you have around to trebuchet other infants? I’ve run out of rocks and pumpkins, and I’m not allowed within a block of the nursery.
Find a reed basket, film my own ‘Mythbusters’ episode on the Moses story.
Hang on, I know what I’d do.
Women like babies, right? So, if you take a baby with you for a walk, women will stop and talk to you. Oldest trick in the book. Well, second oldest, after date rape drugs. At some point, a woman will ask to hold the baby. So I’ll hand it over.
And then I’ll run like hell, and never look back.
I don’t understand destroying the note. Destroying the note is a crime, often a felony, and will make you look guilty as hell to whoever is investigating. The cops are going to investigate, and ‘you’re actually the father’ is a line they’re certainly going to look down whether there’s a note or not. Removing the note makes it harder to trace back to the mother, and will leave them poking at loose ends for longer.
It’s not like they’re going to say ‘oh, this note says you’re the father, you’re now stuck for child support, you should have destroyed it and then there would be no way we’d think that could be the case’.
Keep the note. Destroy the baby.
I’d save money on dog food for a short time, that’s what I’d do.
Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You can have sex with it without murdering it. It’s not like it’ll remember anything. Do you remember anything from when you were an infant? Can you say for sure that no one had sex with you back then? See? There you go, it’s fine.
Can I at least murder then have sex with the trebuchet?
This may have sounded pretty edgy in your head…
Trust me, it sounded disgusting and horrible.
Oh, well, I least I know where the line is: I just crossed it. I’ll pass around some brain bleach.
Setting aside the myriad ways in which the scenario could not happen to me, I see two hypotheticals to not-fight:
The baby is not mine. I would pick up the child, call emergency services and wait for further instructions. There’s a Safe Haven at the hospital just down the street, so if they want me to take her there, I’ll do that. If they’d rather come get her, okay. While waiting, I would give the kiddo a once over and photograph any injuries and the condition of the fontanelles, just in case I need to prove at some point in the future that I was not the person who neglected this infant; she came to me this way.
The baby is mine. In which case, I would call emergency services to report child abandonment on the other parent’s part, so his actions are documented and I can take legal action to sever his paternal rights. Then I have a very serious talk with my best friend who has been struggling with infertility and see if she would want to adopt my child. I’m so done raising babies, and it’s killing me to see her so sad that she can’t have one. If I could surrogate for her, I’d do it in a heartbeat. So this could be the answer to several problems.
If I’m fighting the hypothetical, I know there’s no way the kid could be mine, because I’ve never engaged in any sexual activity that could have resulted in the birth of a child.
But I’ll play along with the hypothetical. I’ll give the baby to child protection services, because in no way am I in a position right now to raise a child. Though I want children eventually. I also believe (without intending to cause offense to single mothers, who work very hard), that in an ideal world, a child deserves two loving parents.
Let’s see…
If it’s not possibly mine? Call the authorities.
If it could be? STILL call the authorities.
The dropper might still be mistaken, or an insane kidnapper, or something, and in any case still is someone who would drop an defenseless infant unattended on a doorstep. That kind of situation requires the attention of someone with more experience and more legal authority than my pay grade.
If it was mine, but I couldn’t care for it, I would need to make sure it could be properly cared for, for reasons of both morality and legal CMA, which would require the authorities. If it was mine and I did want to claim and raise it, I would still need to make sure this was formalized. Is there a birth certificate? Are there any medical records, or medical issues I’d need to know about? Is there a vaccination record, or any allergies? How would this effect my insurance situation, if I want to make sure the child is covered? What’s the official custody situation—could the flakey mother just to waltz back in after six months and have me arrested for kidnapping and then sue me for back child support? Who gets custody if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? I’d need to make sure both I and the child would be properly, formally protected.
As the saying goes, the most important thing in the world is paper. Because you need paper to cover your ass—the more paper you have, the better it’s covered.
No way it could be mine, but not fighting the hypothetical, I’d be all, I get a kid and I *don’t *have to support a wife? Score!
Our chicken run and coop is called Jurassic Park.
I’d call 911 immediately, of course. Round here, law enforcement doesn’t have much else to do other than cleaning up road kill. No way either me or my husband are the father. As long as the baby doesn’t appear on the brink of death, I put it on some surface high enough so as not to be bothered by the animals, and wait for help. If it appears to be dying, I drive it to the hospital. I don’t event think about keeping it.
Now, if it’s a puppy…
If it’s a puppy, it goes straight in the trebuchet. I have one set up just for that purpose.
But, if it’s a kitten…
I would sort of expect that just driving off and leaving the baby by itself might get you in trouble, especially since you’ve just told the dispatcher that you know it’s there.
Also, the police tend to be particular about being able to get your statement in person; at least they were in my case. They were pretty adamant the whole thing be taken care of right away, too – I couldn’t go home and come back tomorrow.
You’d seriously leave a baby by itself outside? Dude, I have no great love for kids, but that’s just cold.