This is like a kitten thread, but with a tapir. The local zoo has a new baby tapir, and it’s wanting a name. Anybody who knows my cute-animal-obsessed kids could probably prophesy me making a visit to the zoo this weekend.
Durante
Hines (you know… he was a great “tapper”)
Sugarbabe
Baby tapirs are so cute! Hmmm, now let’s see… some names that come to mind are:
Arthur
Tiberius
Harvey
At the research station where I used to work in Panama we had tame tapirs that used to hang around the place. They were being re-introduced to the area after the species had been hunted out locally, and were still being fed in the evenings at the kitchen, although they spent most of their time in the forest.
One female named Alice regularly produced babies and would bring them into the station clearing. We would of course have contests to name them.
My favorite was Bambi. Of course the coloration of a baby tapir is very fawn-like. We figured the name would be particularly amusing once she grew up to be a lumbering 300-pound beast.
Aw! So cute. I love tapirs. I got marked down on a class assignment once for listing it as my favorite animal. The teacher thought there wasn’t any such thing and I was just making it up. Unsurprisingly, describing it to her didn’t help! “But Mrs. Sidler, it’s like a furry pig with a little elephant trunk!” 
Last year, we saw a fully grown male tapir masturbating at a petting zoo. Did you know that the fully erect penis of a male tapir can reach the floor in between his front legs while he’s standing? The females must be hollow like chocolate bunnies!
I second “Tiberius”.
[Planet Express Ship Voice] “Oooh a cute baby tapir!”
Yes, yes I did.
We also had a male tapir named Louie who would hang around the clearing. Louie would occasionally get wood when the ever-sexy Alice would sashay by him. Quite amazing, really. They never got it on in public, but we assumed that Louie was Bambi’s father.
Male tapirs also spray urine backwards when marking their territories. Louie did this once on the side of the dining hall, unfortunately spraying through the window screen all over the dinner set out ready to serve. :eek:
If you ever find video of mating tapirs, do let me know - I’m wondering about the logistics of such a thing! Does he get partially erect and mount her and only get fully erect once inside? Or does he back up five feet and walk it in on his hind legs? Or maybe it’s even more prehensile than it looked (he was definitely bouncing it up and down on the straw covered floor.) I can’t visualize this one.
My tapir story -
We were in the Yucatan recently and saw several cute critters frolicking near the road, we asked our driver what they were and he replied with what sounded to me (in the back of the van) like - “I don’t know the word, we call them tapirsomething”
Since reading this thread I’ve decided that he did not say that, but some variation of coatumundi
I never said it was an interesting story, but it’s the only tapir story I got.
Now that’s just uncalled for.
But more accurate than you know. 
I like Tiberius. Also Cyrano. 
Colibri, can I ask you what may or may not be a tapir-related question? A colleague of mine was talking about some piglike mammal in Nicaragua that is called something like guardadinar in Spanish. Do you by chance know what that is?
Agreed. Those would both great tapir names. I like Tiberius myself.
Since his parents are Milton and Abby, I vote for Benny, Athelstan, or Hambro.
I thought the thread title was “baby repair,” and I just thought to myself, “Holy COW, what the hell did you DO?”
Perfect. Now I don’t even have to suggest Crotchnoggin.
Actually, we had a slim graduate student named Bambi arrive at the station some time later who at first thought we were making fun of her when she heard us call the tapir that. Fortunately, someone explained it to her before she got too upset.
I imagine they do it much like a horse does. Horses, of course, are also pretty well hung. (Horses are members of the same order of mammals, Perissodactyla, along with rhinos.)
In northern Central America, and probably southern Mexico, they call coatis pizote. Maybe that was the word he used. Here they call them gato solo (“solitary cat”).
That’s a new one on me. Besides tapirs, other “piglike mammals” could include peccaries or maybe even a paca (a large forest rodent). But that name doesn’t resemble any name I know for any of them, unless it’s perhaps barbiblanco for the White-lipped Peccary.
Tapirs are usually called tapir or danta in Spanish. Here in Panama they are known as macho de monte, “macho” (in this context, he-man) of the forest. (Noriega’s elite National Guard unit was called the “Machos de Monte”).
Cujo.
Snouts.