Sometimes I like to imagine that life is equally confusing for everybody. I know that for me, probably since sometime in 1997 at least, I have had no idea what anything was all about.
Or, to put it another way, I had a very hard time at both identifying things that were important or interesting to me, as well as figuring out how best to pursue those things.
Life can be a huge struggle when you don’t know what you want, and you don’t even know that you don’t know.
I remember the college application process; I got a list of schools from my high school guidance counselor that may or may not have matched some criteria I had (good school, East coast, er, that’s it probably). I applied to Ithaca, Brandeis, Harvard, Yale, Bowdoin, UVM (local university), Johns Hopkins . . . maybe one or two others I don’t recall.
I got into some, was waitlisted at some, and didn’t get into others. But, I had no effing clue where I wanted to go, or what I wanted to do. It was a crap shoot; really it was all the same to me. I ended up turning down a tasty scholarship at one school (don’t remember why), deciding I didn’t like the atmosphere of another and stayed in VT and went to university here.
In retrospect I clearly made the choice because, lacking any real direction, I wasn’t interested in being ambivalent in a place I didn’t know.
I was in school for almost three years full time. My original ‘plan’ was to be a physics major, and either teach high school physics, or possibly go on to grad school in acoustics and design concert halls/studios. I bounced around different majors (started as a physics major, then math, then Latin, then English), and eventually dropped out of school. I would get bored with most classes about a month or so in and my attendance would dwindle to about zero by mid-semester. I was just not that into anything I was doing, and didn’t have a real reason/motivation for any of it.
After I left school, I tried once or twice to go back because, “my degree is so close, and really, I ought to just get that piece of paper because it’s so gosh darned useful!”
Well, unsurprisingly that was not a sufficient reason to go back, and both of those attempts ended pretty abruptly in failure. Again.
I got a job doing web ‘design’ (less on the creative end) and various tasks related to print media at a local health insurance company. I was there full time for about two years after I first left school, and then quit to go back to school the first time (oops!). I found myself working there on and off for most of the last seven years because they kept hiring me back as a temp (and the pay was pretty darned good). I would leave when they stopped needing me, and go back when they did. It was really pretty boring and soul-sucking, but the work was easy and the pay was better than anything else I’d be likely to find by far. Really though, I was repeating the same pattern I had been in school, which was to be doing something I maybe liked, but didn’t really care about that much, and worked just enough to not quite get by (though at work that didn’t matter and everyone remained moderately content with me even though I really should have been let go at least once, but that’s another story).
While all this was going on, I had started working at my old high school as the music director for their spring musicals. I’d done some shows when I was in high school, and had continued to play piano for community theater after I graduated.
Theater was an immense amount of fun, and I liked working with the kids (some of whom were, at least at first, only four years younger than I).
Each year I’d go back and work on the musical (for a small stipend); I would take time off from my other job to be at rehearsals after school, and basically scheduled my life around the show. I’d also be working on a community theater show (or on occasion a student production at UVM, though I was no longer a student). Since 2000 I think I’ve averaged probably about three shows a year.
In time I added other schools to my list of employers, until last year when I found myself working at four different schools over the course of the year, plus doing two community theater productions, plus playing for a show at a local college, etc etc. I’ve been (barely) paying all my bills through music for over a year now.
Hm. Maybe I’ve found something that I, you know, actually am passionate about?
I decided last winter that I was going back to school. This time I knew what I wanted. There are some very specific skills I want to learn and/or improve. I want to work in music (and the theater) as a career for the rest of my life. So, after some phone calls to UVM and an essay or two explaining why they should let me back into school, here I am. I’m a Continuing Education student for this semester, and when my good grades from the two classes I’m taking now go through I can enroll in a degree program this spring. I’m a music major (theory/composition concentration) and a theater minor. It’ll take me a little while to finish, as I didn’t have many music credits before (and no theater credits), but I am so ready to get this professional training in my chosen career path.
I’ve been talking with many professors in both departments, introducing myself (sometimes re-introducing myself), and letting them know what my plan is and my interests are. Once I get into the departments I’m really hoping to arrange some sort of cross-departmental course or seminar or something that will be tailored to what I want to do.
This is all pretty exciting, but there’s also an element of humor to it. I graduated from high school in 1998, and now I’m in classes (not actually at the moment, but I’m sure I will be) with students I worked with this past spring who just graduated from high school in 2008. I am feeling a little bit old. But, hey, I figure better late than never, and I am so glad that I learned to identify what it is I love and chose to follow that passion (maybe it seems silly, but even though my life has pretty much revolved around the theater almost exclusively for probably the last four years, it wasn’t until last year that it dawned on me that maybe that’s what I wanted to do with my life).
So, here’s to everyone who knows what their passion is, and may those of you who don’t find it sooner rather than later.