A convergence of unrelated events causes me to realize that I’m pretty much directionless in life and I’m not particularly happy about it.
I tell you, I may not contribute much in the way of posts to the board but I read as many as I can and it makes me think, not that that’s a good thing necessarily. There was the thread on mediocrity that got me to wondering. Then I saw a thread about what you would be doing now if you were what you wanted to be when you were four years old. And it struck me that I had nothing in mind to be when I was four, or five or six or at any age really. That seems odd doesn’t it? But I really never aspired to be any specific person like, say a doctor or an astronaut or even a princess. If someone came along and said to me “Wow, you draw really well. Are you going to be an artist when you grow up?” I’d just nod my head and agree with them because I had no ideas of my own. And actually this is how I ended up an art major in school at first. I simply had no other answer when they asked “What’s your major?” I soon dropped it of course when I found I had no real creative talent. Next to fill the void was a class I found I liked pretty well, so why not? That’s how I ended up with my Biology degree even though I hadn’t a clue what to do with it. I tried Graduate School and the less said about that the better so let’s just skip over it. I was out of school, broke and needed a job so I applied for the first one I found. Over the years it eventually led to the career I have now. I didn’t so much choose it as just drift into it.
And then my brother quit his job last week. He said he couldn’t work for people he didn’t respect. That’s been resonating around inside my skull ever since. I’ve been doing that for years but didn’t realize it except in the back of my mind where the thought has been lurking uneasily. Kinda popped up front all of the sudden. Now I think I want out of this job. But where’s the door? Once again I simply have no other ideas. I just float along like a dandelion seed but there’s nowehere to take root. Or I don’t know how.
Reviewing this it sort of sounds like I’m pretty lazy.
It’s true I’m not an outgoing sort of person. I am, in fact, an introvert. But I don’t mind working for something if I just knew what it was. I did have one honest answer when I was a child. Sometimes people would ask me what I wanted to learn in school and I would tell them “Everything.” I really meant that. I love to read and learn new things. I just have trouble applying that to anything in the real world. I almost never see job listings for dilettantes. Not in this area anyway.
So as not to sound too egotistical (as if this maudlin whining didn’t already) surely there are others out there with no aspirations? Or more properly I guess with unidentified aspirations? Anyone joining me in the outer circle of Hell or is it to be a party of one?
When I was little I was considered abnormally smart for my age (not a boast, and I’m certain many, many Dopers would have had me more than beat). Everyone around me seemed filled with anticipation. “Such a special girl! What will she DO?” Well, I never applied myself in school. English, Literature, History, these were so effortless for me that I never needed to study. So I never learned how. The stuff that did require an effort, (Math, Science) bored the hell out of me so I blew it off. I coasted through elementary and junior high, then in my freshman year of high school I found something I wanted to do, something I was really good at. I’m not gonna tell you what it was, it doesn’t matter. I had that in mind for my future so I put even less effort into other subjects. I was in the top 3% of my class intellectually (hey, it was a small class) but I was bringing home Fs. Then late in my senior year I realized that the thing I had wanted to do, I didn’t want to do anymore. So……there was no point in going to college, now was there? I’ll take a year off, I said, until I find something I want to do.
That was over five years ago.
I was a cashier for a few months (that’s the first job I was offered) before I got a job at the company I’m with now. It wasn’t even my idea to apply there, someone else thought it would be good and I didn’t have anything else in mind. I have slowly moved my way up to my current position. I’m very good at it and I always get positive reviews. But I don’t care about it. It’s mildly engaging at best. And, although it is a fairly decent job and I definitely make more than I did as a cashier, there really is no more room for advancement, not with my lack of education. Even if I could, I don’t know that I’d want to persue a career at this company, or in this industry. If I think of myself working here in five years, I get depressed. But you know what? Unless something drastically changes this is exactly where I’ll be. It’s very easy to sleep through your life for that amount of time, I know, ‘cause I’ve already done it.
dwyr, you aren’t alone. I’ve often drifted along, letting things happen rather than making them happen. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with that. When I found things that interested me, I pursued those. BTW, the things that interested me never included college, so I have no degree. That fact’s never held me back, so you have a huge advantage in that regard.
However, if you are tired of just existing, then consider getting control of your life, at least to some degree. Read Sun Tzu on The Art of War - because you are going into battle. It’s you against the world, and you can’t afford to lose.
You don’t say how old you are, but it sounds like you are in your late 20’s, early 30’s. Even if you’re 50+, you’re not too old to pursue a new career. Find something that fits your interests, and go for it. What are your interests?
One last thing, please get checked for depression – it’s a killer.
Cool! Another member of the navigationally-challenged here.
So far, I can amen what Myrnalene said to a point. Everyone thought I was smart, everything was too easy so I didn’t bother trying, didn’t learn how to study, passed HS, drifted through college, and ended up with a useless AA degree.
I used to be this way. I was in college, looking for a major. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to fly. But there was no flight program at my school. I realized I had a choice: either try to fly commercially, or join the military. I wrestled with this for a while, and one day I woke up and was just plain tired of wrestling with it and getting no closer to a decision. So, I decided to join the Navy. Just like that. And boy, did it feel good.
I came across the same thing recently. My service obligation ends soon, and it was time to decide to stay in or get out. I spent half a year looking at my options, talking with people, and trying to figure out what I could do on the outside, and what I really wanted to do. No realistic options particularly appealed to me, and one day I woke up and realized I was, again, tired of dealing with the problem. So, I chose to stay in. Problem solved, and I’m now able to move on with my life. I think eventually your status quo won’t be enough for you, and you’ll make a decision to change it. I don’t think you’re lazy–you just haven’t reached that breaking point yet. Making huge, life-altering decisions can be extremely difficult, but once you come out on the other side you’ll hopefully see how liberating it can be.
Myrnalene, you remind me that I’m fortunate to have finished college, sometimes I forget that some weren’t able to. My Mom for instance has always had a love for learning but was never able to even consider education beyond high school. I always wonder what she would have chosen to do had she the opportunity I did.
Danalan, That last thing-I don’t think that’s the problem now as I’ve been through that before and it doesn’t feel like it now. As for the age thing, I’m creeping up on 39 and maybe that’s part of the problem. I kind of thought I’d have some answers by now. As a kid I supposed that adults had all the knowledge they needed. Who knew it’s really ad-lib?
I’m not really very poetic, sorry.
Saint Zero, you can join our happy little group and play cards or something to pass the time.
flyboy88, I see your point there about reaching a turning-point. I’m glad yours turned out so well. I’m just a little afraid that I’ve become so lackadaisical I won’t be able to do anything when the time comes, if it ever does. However I haven’t thrown in the towel just yet. I still hope, I’m kinda stupid that way.
Another one here. I’ve never found anything that I really wanted to do. Yeah, I’d kind of like to do this or that, but nothing has ever grabbed me and said,“This is your calling in life!”
