Oh and my mother’s other favorite line…
What did I do to deserve this?
Us kids: what’s for supper?
Dad: Wiener schnitzel mit sauerkraut. He rarely cooked, and we never, ever, had that for dinner. And he was a second generation Canadian.
To a kid over for dinner: Are you a good singer? You eat like a bird! (No “peck at a time,” either)
When we’d whine yet again about the dishwasher being broke for over two years, my mother would respond, "I have four dishwashers. Their names are T…, S…, T…, and K…
When we’d ask what we could have for dessert, she would always singsong, “Light, bright, just right - nothing!”
These are hilarious! Mainly because I don’t have to hear them every damn second.
My father was awful with things like these. But the one I remember best was a little joke that he loved to tell over and over. He knew it was annoying, but he just liked the joke that much!
Q: What does a dock dog go?
A: Wharf wharf
I got (imagine a strong New York accent) “Is your father a glazier?”
The layout of the den ensured we were always in front of the TV. It was effectively the hallway between the kitchen and upstairs. So you’d be walking through and something on the TV would catch your eye and you’d look at it…and then “Is yer fadda a glazier?”
It never occurred to me to ask what a glazier actually was.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Mom: Food.
Recently my daughter had a test over Latin and Greek roots in her science class.
Daughter: I got an A on my roots test.
Me: Couldn’t have been too hard. The orange one was a carrot.
Too bad that will most likely be a one time only joke.
My father would get a mischievous twinkle in his eye, raise his hand in the benediction symbol and solemnly intone: “Peace upon thee.”
The only possible response is “…And also upon thee.” 
Apparently, my family had a LOT of old punch lines they tossed around at odd moments.
Any time someone said the words “Would I,” you could count on my Mom and Dad replying (in unison), “Peg leg! Peg leg!”
If there’s ANYONE who doesn’t know the ancient joke that came from…
There was once a very shy boy from a poor family. In his childhood, he had lost an eye, and his family couldn’t afford a lifelike glass prosthetic, so he had to wear a wooden eye with a blue iris and pupil painted on it. He was extremely sensitive about his wooden eye, and that made him very nervous about approaching girls.
One night, at his high school’s Spring Dance, he noticed a pretty girl sitting in the corner, and this girl had a wooden leg. The boy thought that, finally, there was a girl who’d be receptive to his advances! So, he walked up to her, smiled, and said, “Would you like to dance with me?”
The excited girl stood up and exclaimed, “Would I? Would I?”
The boy thought he was being insulted, and yelled back, “PEG LEG! PEG LEG!”
Also:
“What’s for dinner?”
“You have a choice: Take it, or leave it.”
Must be something about graveyards. Every time we passed one we would get:
Dad: How many dead people are in that cemetery?
Me: I don’t know
Dad: All of them!
This time of year always reminds me of my Grandpa’s favorite joke whenever a “V” formation of Canada Geese flew over
Grandpa: You know why one side of the V is always longer than the other?
Me: No, why?
Grandpa: More geese on that side
Any time a camera was taken out for pictures, my dad always asked, “ya want one of me alone?”
Often times when someone farted, my dad would say “Fido!” (it’s the start of the punchline from the last joke on this page).
The response to that in my house was always “Stop calling me a butt dad!”
Another one that got repeated way too many times was
Kid: “I’ve never heard that song/seen that movie”
Dad: “Neither did Helen Keller but you don’t hear her whining about it”
My father would say, when he wanted some peace and quiet: “Run around the corner and see if it’s raining.”
A friend would say to his kids: “Go tell your mother she wants you.”
It is a classic, but it’s “Hair lip! hair lip!”
Almost every night at the dinner table, as we dished the vegetables onto our plate, my dad would grin and say…“Eat every carrot and pea on your plate”…
…
…
get it? PEE ON YOUR PLATE!!! HarHar!!!
I’ve seen the several cemetery ones in the thread but not quite like my dad would say where he’d pose it as a riddle:
"You know why they had to put up that fence around the cemetery?‘’
"Cause people were just dying to get in.‘’
I can’t wait to use this one!
Whenever we’d ask my grandfather what he was doing he’d say: “Making a handle for a duck’s nest.”
He also liked to say after dinner:
"Guess what’s for dessert!‘’
“What?”
“The table!”
As young kids we didn’t know the verb ‘desert’ but we knew we weren’t getting any dessert.
My mother loved David Hasselblatt in Knightrider.
My dad got my brother and me concert tickets for that super rock group “Van Heflin”. He also was quite fond of the perfume I wore in high school - “Jungle Gorilla” (Jungle Gardenia).
A couple that I still use:
If someone is complaining about some pain or other I say “does your face hurt?” and after they reply I say “it’s killing me!”.
If someone cracks a joke at my expense I say “You’re funny, but looks aren’t everything”
Neither of my partents approved of referring to someone as “she” in that person’s presence and would say “*she *is the cat’s mother; (so and so) has a name”
I heard that version of the joke as an adult. What can I say? Mom and Dad heard the joke a different way, and it stuck with them!
If someone said “I might” my dad would always say “You know what a might (mite) is? It’s something that stays on a chicken’s ass”.
And any time someone would say something about hormones, he would say “You know how to make a hormone?” Say it out loud, it makes more sense. I actually thought that one was kinda funny but it didn’t get as much use as the mite one. If it had, it wouldn’t be funny.
…Put sand in the KY Jelly, of course!
(I still kind of marvel that my parents let me have the extremely age-inappropriate collection of joke books I had when I was a grade-schooler. 
)