Remarks cut from the next-to-final draft of Chris Rock’s opening Oscars monologue
“Donald Drumpf could get a Best Actor Oscar easier than I could.”
“And now here’s Margaret Cho with some jokes about the lack of Asian nominees.”
“Since black people weren’t nominated for an Oscar this year, we’re taking revenge on the transsexual community by having Tracy Morgan make fun of The Danish Girl. It’s alright that he’s a bigoted homophobic moron cause he got hit by a WalMart truck since then!”
“Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah.”
“Hello, my name is Sacheem Littlefeather.”
“The people at Total Beauty who couldn’t tell Oprah from Whoopi in their tweet just now, they must have thought The Color Purple was the most confusing damned movie ever!”
“The only thing whiter than my tuxedo are the Academy voters.”
“Come on, were they supposed to nominate the last Madea movie?”
Remarks cut from the next-to-final draft of Chris Rock’s opening Oscars monologue
“Donald Drumpf could get a Best Actor Oscar easier than I could.”
“And now here’s Margaret Cho with some jokes about the lack of Asian nominees.”
“Since black people weren’t nominated for an Oscar this year, we’re taking revenge on the transsexual community by having Tracy Morgan make fun of The Danish Girl. It’s alright that he’s a bigoted homophobic moron cause he got hit by a WalMart truck since then!”
“Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah.”
“Hello, my name is Sacheem Littlefeather.”
“The people at Total Beauty who couldn’t tell Oprah from Whoopi in their tweet just now, they must have thought The Color Purple was the most confusing damned movie ever!”
“The only thing whiter than my tuxedo are the Academy voters.”
“Come on, were they supposed to nominate the last Madea movie?”
“I have a dream that one day men and women can receive Academy Awards without anyone considering their race.”
Remarks cut from the next-to-final draft of Chris Rock’s opening Oscars monologue
“Donald Drumpf could get a Best Actor Oscar easier than I could.”
“And now here’s Margaret Cho with some jokes about the lack of Asian nominees.”
“Since black people weren’t nominated for an Oscar this year, we’re taking revenge on the transsexual community by having Tracy Morgan make fun of The Danish Girl. It’s alright that he’s a bigoted homophobic moron cause he got hit by a WalMart truck since then!”
“Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah.”
“Hello, my name is Sacheem Littlefeather.”
“The people at Total Beauty who couldn’t tell Oprah from Whoopi in their tweet just now, they must have thought The Color Purple was the most confusing damned movie ever!”
“The only thing whiter than my tuxedo are the Academy voters.”
“Come on, were they supposed to nominate the last Madea movie?”
“I have a dream that one day men and women can receive Academy Awards without anyone considering their race.”
“Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar for playing a pudgy sassy slave and then just 70 years later Octavia Spencer won an Oscar for playing a pudgy sassy free maid- now THAT’S progress!”
Remarks cut from the next-to-final draft of Chris Rock’s opening Oscars monologue
“Donald Drumpf could get a Best Actor Oscar easier than I could.”
“And now here’s Margaret Cho with some jokes about the lack of Asian nominees.”
“Since black people weren’t nominated for an Oscar this year, we’re taking revenge on the transsexual community by having Tracy Morgan make fun of The Danish Girl. It’s alright that he’s a bigoted homophobic moron cause he got hit by a WalMart truck since then!”
“Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah.”
“Hello, my name is Sacheem Littlefeather.”
“The people at Total Beauty who couldn’t tell Oprah from Whoopi in their tweet just now, they must have thought The Color Purple was the most confusing damned movie ever!”
“The only thing whiter than my tuxedo are the Academy voters.”
“Come on, were they supposed to nominate the last Madea movie?”
“I have a dream that one day men and women can receive Academy Awards without anyone considering their race.”
“Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar for playing a pudgy sassy slave and then just 70 years later Octavia Spencer won an Oscar for playing a pudgy sassy free maid- now THAT’S progress!”
“And speaking of injustice, how come none of the Madagascar movies got nominated for Best Animated Feature?”
Remarks cut from the next-to-final draft of Chris Rock’s opening Oscars monologue
“Donald Drumpf could get a Best Actor Oscar easier than I could.”
“And now here’s Margaret Cho with some jokes about the lack of Asian nominees.”
“Since black people weren’t nominated for an Oscar this year, we’re taking revenge on the transsexual community by having Tracy Morgan make fun of The Danish Girl. It’s alright that he’s a bigoted homophobic moron cause he got hit by a WalMart truck since then!”
“Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah.”
“Hello, my name is Sacheem Littlefeather.”
“The people at Total Beauty who couldn’t tell Oprah from Whoopi in their tweet just now, they must have thought The Color Purple was the most confusing damned movie ever!”
“The only thing whiter than my tuxedo are the Academy voters.”
“Come on, were they supposed to nominate the last Madea movie?”
“I have a dream that one day men and women can receive Academy Awards without anyone considering their race.”
“Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar for playing a pudgy sassy slave and then just 70 years later Octavia Spencer won an Oscar for playing a pudgy sassy free maid- now THAT’S progress!”
“And speaking of injustice, how come none of the Madagascar movies got nominated for Best Animated Feature?”
“And why is David Spade working when Jimmy ‘JJ’ ‘Kid Dy-No-Mite’ Walker is lucky to get a title loan commercial? Commercial hell, he’s lucky to get a title loan!”
Remarks cut from the next-to-final draft of Chris Rock’s opening Oscars monologue
“Donald Drumpf could get a Best Actor Oscar easier than I could.”
“And now here’s Margaret Cho with some jokes about the lack of Asian nominees.”
“Since black people weren’t nominated for an Oscar this year, we’re taking revenge on the transsexual community by having Tracy Morgan make fun of The Danish Girl. It’s alright that he’s a bigoted homophobic moron cause he got hit by a WalMart truck since then!”
“Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah.”
“Hello, my name is Sacheem Littlefeather.”
“The people at Total Beauty who couldn’t tell Oprah from Whoopi in their tweet just now, they must have thought The Color Purple was the most confusing damned movie ever!”
“The only thing whiter than my tuxedo are the Academy voters.”
“Come on, were they supposed to nominate the last Madea movie?”
“I have a dream that one day men and women can receive Academy Awards without anyone considering their race.”
“Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar for playing a pudgy sassy slave and then just 70 years later Octavia Spencer won an Oscar for playing a pudgy sassy free maid- now THAT’S progress!”
“And speaking of injustice, how come none of the Madagascar movies got nominated for Best Animated Feature?”
“And why is David Spade working when Jimmy ‘JJ’ ‘Kid Dy-No-Mite’ Walker is lucky to get a title loan commercial? Commercial hell, he’s lucky to get a title loan!”
Could any nominee be any more whiter than Leonardo DiCaprio?
Next up: Performances that should have won an Oscar, but didn’t
Steve Martin in All of Me. I wondered how they got Lily Tomlin into Steve Martin’s body.
Next up: Performances that should have won an Oscar, but didn’t
Steve Martin in All of Me. I wondered how they got Lily Tomlin into Steve Martin’s body.
Eddie Murphy in Coming To America
He was nominated for Dreamgirls, and while he was good I can think of several actors who could have done that. ONLY Eddie Murphy could be as crazy funny and sympathetic as he was in Coming to America, or Trading Places or the otherwise-dreadfully-unfunny and damned near unwatchable other than for him Nutty Professor.
Performances that should have won an Oscar, but didn’t
Steve Martin in All of Me. I wondered how they got Lily Tomlin into Steve Martin’s body.
Eddie Murphy in Coming To America
Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption
Robert Downey, Jr. in Iron Man
Matthew Lillard in Scooby Doo
Seriously. If somebody had brought the same quality performance to a movie bio of a real person the embodiment he brought to Shaggy they’d have at least been nominated.
Fatherland by Robert Harris (Cold War is between U.S. and Nazi Germany by 1964)
Man in the High Castle by Philip K. Dick (America is partitioned by Nazi Germany and the Japanese Empire and resistance is forming based on an alternate history in which America won)