The is no word in the English language that rhymes with “corn.”
The Rosetta Stone is brought to you by the letter “T” and by the number “5.”
In Stanley Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey,” the large black monolith represented a videotape.
The character “Eeyore” is based on President James Garfield.
If a mouse gets caught in a trap, an angel gets set on fire.
KFC is not real chicken, but is made of fake chickens grown in laboratories.
It’s a requirement to have at least one silly knick-knack sitting on top of your moniter in Pennsylvania.
Snopes and Barbara are going to murder you people!
Catherine the Great was actually a man.
Pope John Paul I was murdered by John Paul II’s brother.
Hitler was the bastard child of Kaiser Wilhelm II.
Al Gore may not have invented the Internet, but his FATHER did.
President Warren G. Harding was found to have no genitals when he died.
Everytime you buy something at the store, the scanners are hooked up to a giant computer that tracks peoples’ purchases…by the government.
When dining out in New York City’s finer establishments, etiquette demands that you sample the dinners of the party of diners immediately to your right. It’s considered rude if you don’t.
The “bales of hay” you often see rolled up in empty fields are in fact hibernating cows.
If you don’t like the prize you get in a box of Cracker Jack, it’s acceptable to go through all the boxes at your local market until you do. It’s Cracker Jack company policy.
His middle name was “and.”
The Bible predicts that the anti-christ will be the offspring of Bill Gates and Julia Roberts.
There’s a secret code that can be dialed from any pay phone in America that will launch a nuclear attack against Russia.
The candadicy of George W. Bush is really an elaborate hoax organized by Garry Trudeau.
You can change your sex by touching your elbows behind your head.
God created all of the universe. Except man. His brother, Michael Dwayne Thorton surpervised the creation of humanity.
Newt Gingrich was a faithful husband.
Your local television news is an important and informative source of information.
Bad toupees are not dead animals. They are actually good animals–that is, well trained to stay very still in public. And they’re selected from species that never laugh. That’s why you never see a hyena on someone’s head, but sometimes you can find Ted Koppell up there. (For more info, look up recursion.)
100% of the political parties which have used “Have you belted your mother across the jaw today?” as a campaign slogan have never won an election.
Farts are actually the inverse audio of great opera. A bean-and-tofu sandwich is enough to erase two recordings of La Traviata. Six quarts of habanero chili, and Luciano Pavarotti never existed.
Softball was invented by Vikings. The term, “home run,” was coined in honor of Leif Ericsson, though no one’s sure why. He always ran to his boat, but he always sailed from home.
“Cowboys” are neither cows nor boys, but are just confused British diplomats.
Thomas Edison invented insomnia.
Sir Edmund Hillary would do anything and go anywhere to get out of taking out the garbage.
A baby Komodo dragon is called a “Quasimodo.”
I am responsible for the gravity on the planet earth. My mind must remain focussed on this task or we will all fly off into space. (People that are high have actually believed this one).
I never sleep. (It just seems that way).
Birds can fly only because I will them to do so. Keeping all those planes in the air is a chore.
If you stand in front of a mirror and say my real name three times all your wishes will come true.
You are all just a product of my imagination.
I have a twelve inch Johnson.
eating bushes bakes beans will allow you to hold your eyes open when you sneeze; eating the nasty hunk of meat/fat that comes with the beans will kill you.
optimus prime was modeled after henry ford.
it is legal in mississippi and indiana for a man to kill his wife if she spends more than 10% of the household income ordering jewelry from home shopping networks.
frying food increases the amount of tungsten in the food by approximately 210%
if you immerse a tooth in a cup of vegatable oil overnight, it will swell up like a marshmellow.
banana flavored liquer is made from pumpkins
short midgets are called ‘midglets’
people who eat beef jerky are more likely to be accidentally shot in hunting accidents
all people who drink wine are pretentious
the uncontrollable urge to rhyme is a symptom of chlamydia
small children are the natural food of the capybara
moles speak french
strange but true coincidence: every other pope has that terrible allergy to peanuts
dogs prefer the missionary position.
eating boysenberries makes your pee smell like pinesol
every person who has ever appeared in a commercial for kfc has been killed by a squadron of avenger chickens
if a class looks really, really interesting, but is held at 8 am on a friday morning, go ahead and sign up for it - if its interesting material, if doesn’t matter when the class is held - you’ll make it every time
a thousand monkeys typing at a thousand typewriters are responsible for all the oprah book club books except for the ones written by toni morrison
shakespeare was dyslexic
the penis is a vistigial leg
albert einstein never once used a spoon
mother earth lives in phoenix
The penis is a vestigial leg? Then what about this leg?
TLB
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
Chihuahuas are really intelligent creatures bred to infiltrate the US and turn American brains to mush with cuteness. Taco Bell is in on this devious plan.
You can ski in Windsor, Ontario in the middle of summer even though it’s south of Detroit, Michigan.
Starbuck’s coffee prices are so high because there’s a world shortage of whipped cream.
Accidently hitting the “enter” key more than three times in any typing session will give you finger cancer.
In Texas, it’s illegal to drink warm diet soda.
Robin
Johnny Cash’s liver will have its own viewing pedastal in the Smithsonian.
Eight shots of tequilla kill any virus. (its tough getting that small of shot glasses though)
When you pirate MP’s, you’re downloading Communism.
If I had a million dollars, I would give you some.
**“Bald-faced lies” are a mistranslation of Icelandic “bearded lies”,
which in turn are a mis-translation of Arabic “yam breath”
If you make those sorts of faces, they’re going to stick that way.
Chapstick causes lip cancer when worn in the rain.
Saddam Hussein and Madeline Albright have a love child named “Bobo”
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
The principal is your pal.
Looking at the Straight Dope Message Board’s subliminal messages jack your IQ up 50 points.
I have ten zillion dollars.
Tammy Faye Bakker does not endorse in makeup.
The Beatles created the Internet.
The War of the Roses was actually a war where people substituted swords and weaponry with roses. No one was seriously hurt except for minor scratches from thorns.
[quote]
Starbuck’s coffee prices are so high because there’s a world shortage of whipped cream.
[quote]
…because cream has been seeing a shrink and is feeling much less masochistic these days.
Hibernating cows! <snort chuckle> HIBERNATING COWS! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! Very good.
The European swallow does not, in fact, migrate. Coconuts, however, do.
The HAL9000 computer from Arthur C. Clarke’s 2001: A Space Odyssey was modeled after Al Gore.
Jelly-Belly jellybeans are actually Gummi Bear eggs.
Elvis Lives.
The FDA allows breakfast cereals made primarily from wheat or corn to consist of up to 0.03% by weight rat eggs.
What’s the maximum airspeed of an unladen coconut?
What do you mean? African or European?