Advice for tourists
If you’re hitting Ireland for St Patrick’s Day, don’t forget to read our handy guide
to the main events, customs and traditions to make your stay extra special.
ON YOUR TRIP OVER…
The St Patrick’s Day fun usually starts on the flight over to the Emerald Isle. When
people are stashing their hand luggage in the overhead lockers, secretly place a few
rubber snakes in among their baggage. Then on arrival in Shannon or Dublin, when they
take down their bags you should jump into action. Shout “It’s a snake! It’s a snake!”
in a loud voice and watch the traditional “Snakedance” that ensues.
Before setting out on your trip, though, be sure to rent a copy of The Quiet Man and
Finian’s Rainbow. When you arrive in Ireland you will already know all the cultural
taboos. The natives will recognise and appreciate your attempts to fit in.
BREAKFAST FARE AND OTHER TRADITIONAL FOOD & DRINK
On arrival in Dublin, your bed & breakfast or hotel will serve you a special traditional
St Patrick’s Day breakfast - but only if you ask for it. The most popular dishes to
order are called “haggis”, “semtex” and “an armalite”.
Remember, DO drink the green beer and DON’T eat the yellow snow.
After breakfast, it is time to impress the natives with your costume. To keep in the
Mardi Gras spirit, try to track down any piece of orange-coloured fabric and fashion
it into a beauty queen’s sash. To complete your look, also wear a bowler hat.
MUSIC
Don’t forget to bring bagpipes on your trip, and play them with gusto at dawn in the
corridors of your B&B. The effect you’re going for is “cat-wailing”. The sound
represents the banished snakes and helps ensure that they will never return.
There are literally thousands of Irish traditional music albums. This can make it very
hard to decide what CDs to buy during your St Patrick’s Day stay in Ireland. To make
it easier, simply ask the wee shop assistant for a copy of Stephen Gately or Steps.
Famous Irish pop group U2 own a Dublin hotel called The Clarence (named after a
one-eyed Lion in a 1960s TV series called “Daktari”). But it is a little-known fact
that before being called U2 the band were also known as Q2. This is celebrated on St
Patrick’s Day by a toast in the bar of the Clarence, when patrons shout at the tops
of their voices: “For Q2! For Q2!”
SEASONAL GREETINGS
Now it’s time to hit the street, but remember that until midday in Ireland nobody
actually says hello - the only greeting permissable is “top o’ the morning to ya”.
The louder this is said the better, and preferably with a thick highly plausible
Irish accent such as Tom Cruise’s in “Far And Away”. Don’t be offended should you
hear anybody call you a “Bloody Yank”, it’s a friendly term (just call them
“Damn Brits” in return - they love that). The thing the Irish love the most about
tourists from the States is their farewell of “Have a nice day”, so make sure to
say this to everybody you encounter at least twice. For added joy, add “ya’ll” to
either the beginning or end of every sentence.
On the streets of the city, speak loudly of your Irish heritage. The natives will
recognise and appreciate that you are on a sort of Homecoming.
As a gesture to the citizens of Ireland, continuously praise the following great
heroes who were instrumental in forging the Irish identity: Cromwell, William of
Orange, Queen Mary, etc. Also say what a great man ye think that Ian Paisley is.
He’s a popular politician in these parts.
On St Patrick’s Day it is also customary to use several key phrases from the Irish
language to address local people. The traditional greetings to girls are “yaslappa”,
and to boys is “yanakka”.
And a popular Irish greeting to people stuck at pedestrian traffic lights,
particularly blind people, is “Trasna!”
THE PARADE
The St Patrick’s Day street parades are so popular in most towns and villages across
the land that is is often difficult to see the floats and the cheerleaders from North
America. However, the crowds will usually part to let tourists through to the front
if you use the old Gaelic sayings “yaf-echk-ya” or “getchak-itov”.
The Irish police force is known colloquially as “the garda shicaloni”, or “the
guards” for short. A favourite street game among St Patrick’s Day revellers is to
collect as many hats from the guards as possible. The guards take this once-a-year
tradition in a good natured way, and in the spirit of the game they often pretend
to try to hold onto their hats (also known as “keeapps”). Locals say that the most
successful tactic is to sneak up behind the guards in order to claim their trophies…
Women police officers in Ireland are known as “Ban guards”. On St Patrick’s Day it
is said that you will have seven years of good luck by asking a Ban guard for a kiss
and a dance.
Face-painting is a longstanding St Patrick’s Day tradition. If you want to get in
the spirit of the party but cannot get hold of any green facepaint, one make-do
substitute is to plaster your face with whitener, then paint a large “X” sign on
your face with red lipstick.
Not many people know this, but throughout the month of March the River Liffey is only
one foot deep within a radius of twenty yards of the bridge at Heuston Station.
To celebrate the low tide during the St Patrick’s Day parade, this is the traditional
venue for the River Dance. The girl dancers wear black T-shirts, black tights and
black mini-skirts, and in honour of the Spanish Armada they do a flamenco dance.
The boy dancers wear Aran sweaters (also called “geansais” or jumpers) and take
to a jumping role, attempting to hit the underside of the Heuston bridge. In order
to increase their chances, some of the boys adopt haircuts where their hair stands
on end by several feet.
PADDY’S DAY SPORTS AND GAMES
A traditional St Patrick’s Day sport is the Macnas Dragon Hunt. Carefully concealed
within the street parade is a camouflaged dragon called the Macnas. The winner is
the first person to spot the dragon (simply shout out “The Macnas! The Macnas!”
in a loud voice), and fell the dragon with a bottle or brick. If you are American,
this year’s first prize is two free flights to New York! The Liffey Swim is also
a favourite pastime on St Patrick’s Day, with a $2,000 prize this year for the
first non-Irish person after midday to swim across the River Liffey fully clothed.
Sack races, also known as “the sack”, are another ancient sport in Ireland, and are
celebrated at length on St Patrick’s Day. To boost your credibility, it is acceptable
to boast that you have played in a team with a prominent Irish personality, e.g.
“Bishop Casey got me into the sack once” or “I jumped into the sack with CJ”.
Reflecting Ireland’s rich disapora and the role of men in Irish society, the
country’s most popular soccer team is called Man United. During your stay in
Ireland you should soak up the atmosphere of a typical weekend fixture around Paddy’s
Day by buying a Man United shirt and going to your nearest pub to share your
opinions with fellow fans.
O’Connell Street in Limerick (and a street by the same name in Dublin) is the venue
for the annual St Patrick’s Day Bag Race. The race is usually started by the Danish
Ambassador to Ireland because this tradition has its roots in Viking folklore.
Contestants start at one end of the street and have to grab as many bags as possible
from passers-by on their journey up the street. All the bags are of course returned
at the end of the race.
If you are interested in marine life, pop over to Dublin’s new attraction called
“Dolphin Barn” on the southside of the city. Seaworld how are ya!!!
THE PUB
After the parade and the games, it’s time to hit the pub. If you go into a small
country pub and suddenly it all goes quiet, don’t panic. This is simply a sign of
respect by the locals, who want you to talk about where you have come from. If it’s
a really old pub (i.e. pre-1980) some of the regulars might be hard of hearing,
so make sure you recount your tales in a loud voice.
NB: As in the States, it is customary to tip all bar staff. The current going rate
is £4 per drink.
The Viking invasion of Ireland and the great stag-hunts of the Norman period are
celebrated in a joint “stag festival”, which is held at several centres across the
land on St Patrick’s Day. Check it out in Dublin’s cultural quarter of Temple Bar.
A heritage trail marks Ireland’s longstanding Scandinavian links, and a high point
of the festivities is when volunteers are tied to posts and their clothes are
taken away from them and replaced by slave garb of the Viking era. The venue for
the event is usually kept secret until the last minute, but you can find out the
heart of the action by simply asking the doorman at the nearest hostelry: “Where’s
the stag party?”
The Yard Of Ale contest takes place throughout the district of Dublin known as The
Liberties. First the tourist challenges a local inhabitant by buying a number of
pint glasses of stout or lager, so that the glasses when lined up in a row against
each other stretch along the bar for exactly one yard. A member of the bar staff
is appointed as the official timekeeper, and the native and his/her seconds must
drink the yard of ale in the fastest time possible. Then at the end of it, if the
local person is still standing it is the tourist’s turn to attempt to beat this time.
But the best Paddy’s Day crack (enjoyment) is always to be found in the pubs of
Ballybough/Ballyfermot/Ballymun (in fact, in any place which begins with “Bally-”).
All you have to do is walk in and use the traditional Irish greeting “Yacun cha!”
or (for that really friendly local greeting): “Wotterya lukkinat yafek incun cha!”
and you will be welcomed as a long-lost son of Erin.
LITERATURE AND CULTURE
If you are stuck in any pub in Ireland while waiting for friends to arrive from the
hotel or B&B, you can always ask the barman to lend you some reading matter to peruse
while killing the time. Simply ask to borrow “Jack’s paper”.
Ireland’s leading playwright is Samuel Beckett, but a lot of his works were
hit-or-miss. You can impress many fellow theatre-goers in one fell swoop by saying
(in an expert voice): “Yes, but his last tape was Krapp!”
Ireland’s most famous author during St Patrick’s times was called Kelly. Even though
he only wrote one book, if you are passing Trinity College it’s a good chance to see
his oeuvre. Simply ask anyone on the campus “Where’s Kelly’s book?”
Ireland’s most famous postcard is a turf-cutting scene by the great postmodernist
artist John Hinde. You can now get your photograph taken with the donkey actually
used in the scene: simply ask your taxi driver to take you to the popular seaside
resort known as “Ballymun Flats”.
If another couple of tourists ask you to take a photograph of them, always be glad
to do so. Then when you are handing them back their camera, be sure to drop it on
the ground so they won’t be bothering anyone else! And always be on the lookout
for people taking pictures of one another in front of historic buildings. Simply
walk behind them, jump up and down, pull stupid faces and give them something
to remember and cherish when they return home!
OTHER PATRON SAINTS
While St Patrick’s Day celebrates Ireland’s most famous saint, it is also the day
when Dublin taxi drivers mark the anniversary of their own patron saint. They will
give you a very concise potted history to you - simply ask them “What about Chris
Barry then?”
St Patrick was closely associated with St Theresa. If you want a horticultural treat
in Dublin, ask your taxi driver to give you a flying tour of Thresa’s Gardens. Or
pop over to the 17th-century stately home where the third secret of Fatima is
stored - it’s called the Fatima Mansions
ST PATRICK’S DAY ON TV
Ireland’s most loved broadcaster is Gay. The other most popular broadcasters,
particularly around St Patrick’s Day, are called Bibi, Clare and Liam O Murchu.
Irish television stations like to use the St Patrick’s Day celebrations to cover
various cultural events. This year the spotlight is on a 24-hour version of
J. M. Synge’s classic, “The Playboy of the Western World”. If you would like to drop
in on it, simply ask the hotel porter whether they can tune you in to the “Playboy”
channel.
Ireland’s longest-running fly-on-the-wall documentary is set in Dublin and is called
“Fair City”.
Irish television station RTE is also curently showing an excellent “docu-soap” about
one of St Patrick’s real-life descendants. His favourite prayer is “Well holy god”
and he is called Miley.
GETTING AROUND
If you need to get back from the city centre to your B&B or hotel in a hurry, why
waste £££s on a taxi? Simply hail any bus that displays the sign “An Lar”. it will
take you straight to your door, and all for just a standard fare of 20 pence! Many
buses that service hotels in Dublin also have no tops.
But the cheapest of all forms of transport operating on St Patrick’s Day is the
ponies and traps that congregate around St Stephen’s Green. They will transport you
and your family from the centre of Dublin to the hills of Wicklow at St Patrick’s
day prices (i.e. circa AD 385) - just a few groats or two shekels or a
shilling (5p) for the round trip.
Many ordinary motor vehicles in Ireland also double as part-time tour buses during
the holiday period. Simply flag one down and ask the driver “Do you fancy a ride?”
NIGHTLIFE
Throughout the evening of St Patrick’s Day various historical pageants take place in
several districts of Dublin. To capture this wonderful mardi gras atmosphere, make
sure you take a stroll down Mount Street, Fitzwilliam Square or outside Collins’s
Barracks. And to get a condensed and quick history of the area, simply ask one of
the young people you encounter if there is any chance of “a quickie”.
Make sure not to miss the late-night evening rituals by taking a scenic journey on
the Nitelink. These inexpensive tours are extremely popular, particularly with the
youngsters of Dublin. Be sure to sit upstairs, in the rear seats, as it is easier
to take photos with that new digital camera.
It’s always best to blend in with the natives in local clubs and nightclubs on
St Paddy’s Day night It is traditional to wear white socks and trainers, or
leprechaun outfits.
COUNSELLING
If - heaven forbid - you have your handbag snatched during your otherwise pleasant
stay in the Emerald Isle, simply phone the 24-hour tourist helpline. It’s called
“The Ryahh Line”. Ask to speak to Gerry.
