Battle Royale - Torn Shirt Kirk vs. Torn Shirt Ash

Who wins?

Ash. He has a shotgun, a chainsaw, and a metal robot gauntlet.

Not only that, but he has a 100% record in getting chicks, with or without a torn shirt. He even could’ve had the undead chick!

Ash. Good, bad, he’s the guy with the gun.

Does Kirk get his cool fighting music?

Da da DAN DAN DAN da na nah nuh…

It might just give him the edge.

If we’re talking torn shirts, Doc Savage wins–hands down. NOBODY can beat Doc when it comes to torn shirts. There was even a “Doc Savage needs a new shirt” campaign back in the 60s (70s?) for a while.

Nope, Ash wins. Kirk can dish out cartoony levels of damage, but Ash can take cartoony levels of damage. Besides, Ash’s lines and witticisms are vastly superior.

I’m sorry, you’re all wrong. Torn Shirt Kirk wins, for the same reason Torn Shirt Kirk always wins: Against all logic and common sense, it says so in the script.

Does Kirk get a stunt double? If so, then he might be able to beat Ash, who does his own fights.

Ash’s extreme coolness overrides Kirk’s no-matter-what-he-wins-cause-the-script-says-so abilities.
Psychopachik Vampire

Even when he tells them to get lost! “First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.”

Ash all the way. Kirk is a Tribble-stuffer.

But what can Kirk do against a Thunderbolt Attack?

“Hail to the King, baby!”

King outranks Admiral any day of the week. And at least Bruce Campbell had the dignity to admit he was in a B-movie.


Do they keep purring?

Kirk would have only one real chance: TALK Ash to death!

Kirk says:

“Why… WHY… must we resolve… our DIFFerences… with violence? WE… were once like you… savage… brutal… but we… overCAME… our violent… IMpulses! We LEARNED… that Man… can be MORE… than a killer! We learned HOW… to say to ourselves… ‘We’re NOT… going to kill… toDAY!’”

Ash says:

“You know, I think I’ll try that. Tomorrow!” (BANG!)

I don’t think I want to hear Ash ask Kirk to give him some sugar.

Nah, Kirk wins. These are fictional characters, so fan base determines how the script will play out. Kirk is a cultural icon whose name is familiar to almost every conscious human in North America. Ash is a geek-fan guy who might be known to 1% of North Americans. Maybe. So Kirk would be written as the victor, and so he wins, probably with help from Spock.

Ash would get in a good dying breath one liner.

Personally, I think they’d stop fighting after the first exchange of punches, team up and kick some Romulan ass.

I think Ash would whoop Kirk’s ass, then turn around and plant a big wet kiss on whoever was Kirk’s woman-of-the-show.

Ash wins, hands down.

Yeah, but most of those folks who know who Kirk is think him an annoying prick, whereas the 1% who’s heard of Ash knows damn well that he kicks butt.

WRONG! There was one episode where Ripped-Shirt Kirk (RSK) lost! Ash has a better track record.

Yeah, but so is Spongebob Squarepants, that doesn’t mean he’d win. Most people nowadays view Kirk as a negative image. He’s just got too much geekiness and nerdiness attached to him. Only people like Comic Book Guy would vote Kirk… and Paramount has made it clear that they’re not gonna pander to the CBG crowd.

Ash, despite being less-popular, has almost NO stigma attached to him.

And besides, Kirk already died. That right there pretty much proves that he’s not invincible, like Ash is.