Here's another one: Batman vs. Ash!

Cafe Society
1

Okay, on one side, we’ve got the brainiac superhero who, if he’s prepared, is seemingly invincible.

On the other hand, we have the guy who, no matter how crazy the odds or what stupid things he does, always manages to come out on top.

So, the scenario: Ash is wandering the woods trying to get away from some unspeakable evil and falls into an underground cave. It’s dark, scary, and there’s evil in the air, but he’s got his trusty boomstick and chainsaw with him, and of course, his everlasting bravery :rolleyes:. Meanwhile, Batman’s been wandering the woods trying to understand what’s been going on in this crazy town, ends up falling into the same cavern at another end. Covered in mud and dirt, Bats turns the corner and comes upon our hapless hero looking like something terrible, and the fight is on.

So, how’s it go from here?

2

Ha! This is a battle Batman cannot win! He cannot prepare for it. See, even if Batman had brought Golbat along, he’s got a far inferior PokeMon to even Ash’s Pikachu, which has learned the advanced thunger attacks and has some good moves like Agility to evade attacks.

Oh…

You mean…

Err…

Never mind…

3

:smiley: I’m glad I’m not the only one! Of course Ash will win–he almost always wins! How can you lose when you have Pikachu?

4

Sorry Evil Dead fans, but Ash would totally get his ass handed to him on a silver platter.

5

Since Batman excels at kicking butt, and Ash excels at WITHSTANDING a butt-kicking, we’d get something like this:

Batman hits Ash… Ash falls down, gets back up.

(repeat 50 times)

Ash tries to hit Batman… Batman easily dodges.

Batman hits Ash… Ash falls down, gets back up.

(repeat 50 times)

(repeat entire cycle until the unspeakable evil runs across them and they discover they’re on the same side.)

6

I think Vlad Dracul’s got the right sequence. The important thing to realize is that Ash only kicks ass completely when his enemy is truly evil. And Batman isn’t that evil. On the other hand, Ash is the guy with the gun.

7

“Batman … I’m gonna have to ask you to leave the cave.”

8

Short fight. Ash would run over Batman in his souped up chevy and then make off with his chick. Batman would then go home and drink.

9

“Good . . . Bat . . . I’m the one with the gun.”

10

“I’m the Batman.”

“Good . . . Bat . . . I’m the one with the gun.”

<boom!>

11

“I may be Bat, but I feel good…”

12

Ash always wins by some sort of deus ex machina. For the sake of realism (heh) we have to assume that at the last minute, something will turn up allowing Ash to squeak out a victory.

13

Gonna take a little longer, since Ash drives an Oldsmobile. That, and Ash’s women have this nasty habit of dying/becoming evil.

I’m taking Batman, just because I think he can dodge a chainsaw-hand fairly easy and Ash takes forever to put somebody down.

14

What would really rattle the Dark Knight would be for Ash to use the Necronomicon to summon up Bruce Wayne’s parents.

Ghost: "Bruce… Bruuuuuuuce… "

Batman: “NO! It… it can’t be… my parents!”

Ghost: “We’d still be alive if you hadn’t pestered us into taking you to the movies! It’s your fault… YOUR FAULT!”

Other ghost: “And how come you never visit our grave anymore? Sending Alfred doesn’t count! You’re a BAD son!”

While Batman is kneeling on the ground doing the “anguish” thing with his hands over his eyes, Ash has a moderate chance of shooting him.

15

Yow.

A battle between TWO guys who always get the crap beat out of them in the FIRST round… but then, come back and win the SECOND round.

They would, therefore, beat the holy hell out of each other in the first round, slink away to tend their wounds and attend their equipment, and then, upon meeting again later, each would then triumph over the other.

And then they’d go out for a drink.

16

Pshaw. Science has very clearly proven that Ash can kick anyone’s ass.

Wanna cite? I give you Ash vs. The World.

17

Ash wins, if only for his ability to get away with saying “Groovy.”

18

Ash can take cartoon-level humor.

Batman, even the cartoon version, can NOT dish out cartoon-level humor.

You do the math.

19

Okay, maybe it’s just too late, or maybe it’s this cold, but I have absolutely NO IDEA why I used the word “humor” up there. That’s gotta be one of the biggest brainfart in the History of the SPOOFE. I meant “damage”.

Maybe my fatigued brain is telling me to go to bed. Or maybe I just find humor in the idea of Batman kicking the crap out of Ash, but Ash just keeps coming back with a witty one-liner… ultimately, the witty one-liners will cause Batman to laugh, which will make him crack in two.

Yeah. That’s humorous. Hence… nevermind.