Battlebots '21

[DKW]

So now everyone’s had at least one match and we have some idea of what these steel warriors are capable of. Now it’s separate-the-men-from-the-boys time…and I get the feeling we’re going to be some very small and sad boys pretty soon.

PRELIMS DAY 6 1/14/21

Valkyrie (1-0) vs. Rotator (0-1)
With any disk spinner stability is key as the wide blade generates so much gyroscopic force that it’s easy to send the machine places the driver doesn’t want. This lesson strikes particularly hard early on as Rotator manages to stay firmly grounded while Valkyrie does lots of involuntary gymnastics. But despite Valkyrie seemingly doing more damage to the floor than its adversary, it seems like Rotator is taking the worst of it. The fight continues, more shots get landed, and Valkyrie seems to have settled down. Then…oh. Part of Rotator’s wedge comes off. That’s the “big knockdown in the 10th round” moment of the fight, and while Rotator can still more, there’s no coming back from that. The judges make a show of carefully examining the bots, continuing fallout from that one really bad decision sometime in the past that surely must have happened. Easy yooner for Valkyrie when all is said and done. Thanks for convincing me that the Beta decision was 100% correct and you deserve absolutely nothing in life, Victor Soto!

Gigabyte (0-1) vs. Extinguisher (0-1)
Both bots looked hapless in their openers; time to see which one’s leaving here everything-less. Big collision which has Extinguisher spinning like a platter. Hammer blow from Extinguisher which misses. Another miss…ooh, and now it’s badly bent and all but useless. I’m thinking if Gigabyte can take out Extinguisher’s tires, that should seal it…and just like that, the left front tire comes off. Extinguisher spins uselessly counterclockwise as the countdown of doom reaches its conclusion. Damn, that is one weak machine.

Sharkoprion (0-1) vs. Slap Box (0-1)
The weeding-out process continues! Sharkoprion does a lot of tail spins, Slap Box moves around a bit, and no, we are not, in fact, at the good contestants just yet. Sharkoprion finally gets a clamp on the lifter, which its driver, Edward Robinson, shrieks and howls like he just won the Giant Nut and the Giant Bolt at the same time (and too in all likelihood). But then Slap Box turns the tables by flipping its foe over! It can still move, but its big jaw doesn’t work inverted, and dammit, there’s still a minute left? It mercifully ends when Sharkoprion has enough and stops moving, allowing Team Slap Box to get that all-important knockout before it drops off the planet.

Robinson admits that he never was going to win the Giant Nut, but he’s glad to inspire children to get into Battlebots. Yeah, might want to aim even lower than that, buddy.

Malice (2-0) vs. Madcatter (2-0)
Now this match is a pretty big deal; heck, it could have been the main event. Both were dominant in their first matches but had to work in the second. Whoever takes this one will have a big leg up in the tournament, while the loser will have a serious uphill climb. (The fact that Bunny Soriel and Martin Mason are two of the biggest windbags in the sport just adds to the tension.) They start off with a few head-on shots, and…Malice is hung up! It got knocked on its back edge, which happens to be flat enough to balance on, and it’s stuck in that position! The driver furiously tries to get it back on its broad side, either broad side. Malice rocks back and forth but can’t drop! Meanwhile Madcatter circles around. We’ve seen drivers who catch lucky breaks early on free their opponents just so the crowd can get a decent fight. Will Mason…come on, get real. An incredibly elementary design flaw turns a slobberknocker into a boring anticlimax. Yeesh.

Tantrum (0-1) vs. Atom #94 (0-1)
I’m fairly certain Atom #94 is not going to score a knockout here. Just a gut feeling. Atom #94 does get a couple good hits at the onset, but Tantrum quickly turns it around, and despite running into the side of the screws area for some dumb reason, flips its adversary and knocks it around a bit, and that’s enough to cause Atom #94 to fail completely. Some fights are every bit as lame as they sound.

Sm(e) (1-0) vs. Pain Train (0-1)
Oh, good Battlebots is doing that city thing. Because that’s such a compelling story in American Ninja Warrior. Pain Train rushes right into that belt, accomplishes precisely zilch, and backs off, thereby setting the tone for this dreary excuse for a fight. Both machines are slowly moving around, a stalemate which abruptly ends when one of Sm(e)’s spinners just kind of falls off…then a few whatevers later, the other spinner runs into Pain Train’s drum, blasting both out of commission. And they shuffle around listlessly and patiently wait for the clock to put a blessed end to this. Terrible, terrible showing on both sides. It is pretty damn sad when the matchmakers feed you creampuff after creampuff after creampuff and you still manage to continually embarrass yourself. Splitter goes to Pain Train, and with that we are completely free to stop giving a damn about either of…oh, right, this is just the second match. Crap.

Main event - Sawblaze (1-0) vs. Uppercut (1-0)
Some guy on one team is a former mentor of some guy on the other team. If I ever find a reason to care, I’ll dig into this a bit more. Uppercut takes the early advantage by knocking Sawblaze onto the screws, but trips over a damn killsaw slot, flipping itself completely around (that gyroscopic forces thing), and can’t follow up. Sawblaze struggles to extricate itself and does so. And then the second blow hits, which causes Sawblaze’s flamethrower mechanism to completely blow up. The show’s going to replay this a gazillion times, of course, but the important point is that using an opponent’s strength against him can work in this sport. Uppercut, despite still being a little crazy-legs, manages to take off a couple more pieces before Sawblaze goes completely dead. Man, you want a bot to beat, this is it, folks!

The victorious driver, Alex Satori, is a tad overwhelmed by what happened. No doubt “instant starmaker” wasn’t what he was going after tonight. He may have some regrets about getting such a signature super shot, as the real story should be the kind of damage he did after that. Remember, that only took out the secondary weapon; it was losing the arm and belt and a bunch of other little stuff that ended Sawblaze’s pretensions.

[DKW]

No prob, bobsmom101!

PRELIMS DAY 7 1/21/21

Axe Backwards (0-1) vs. Captain Shrederator (0-1)
Axe Backwards is sporting a special wedge. Captain Shrederator is 2-10 in the last five years and is running out of potentially beatable opponents. They play bumper cars for a while, neither doing major damage. The screws are often the biggest enemy for CS, but driver Brian Nabe has managed to stay clear so far. Another hit, AB is pirouetting, another hit…and there it is, the big break; AB’s right wheel comes off. It’s all over but the inappropriately loud celebrating. AB is dead in the water, and Nabe something something relief something back something.

Up next is P1, an unusual machine you may not have heard of, because its first match was untelevised (a knockout win over something named Chronos, for the record). Rose is very casual about pointing out this fact, which I find a tad unsettling. Look, I understand that reality TV edits and reedits and rereedits footage until it’s completely unrecognizable, but why would Battlebots want to cut out a whole match? Where are there even time constraints? And this being the case, HOW is it decided which matches get the ax? It’s…ugh. This is the kind of thing I think there needs to be more discussion about.

Copperhead (1-0) vs. P1 (1-0)
All right, what do we have here…it kinda looks like a high-performance car. And it has a reverse flipper. A small one. It has a rear wing which falls off during the warmup. The driver says “It’s aesthetic; leave it off.” I am filled with confidence right now. A few seconds after the match begins, P1 runs right into Copperhead’s drum spinner and gets tossed around. And it seems to have trouble moving. The driver stammers worried, trying to get it moving again. It does…running right into the drum spinner again and getting flung again, and this time there’s no recovery. Call me cynical, but I’d rather have seen the first match.

And Copperhead’s driver calls out Black Dragon, which I’m sure the organizers will get right on.

Rusty (1-0) vs. Beta (1-0)
Oh geez. Some matches you just know the schedule maker was giving the middle finger to someone, and in this case it looks like it’s David Eaton, creator of the spunky lovable underdog people’s budget etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. Rusty who’s about to get, ahem, nailed. Because the way you teach a bunch of British cowards the price of being too conservative with their weapon is to give them an opponent where they have total free rein to fire at will! They begin by maneuvering, Beta running around and around and around, Rusty trying valiantly to get any mobility whatsoever, and hoo boy, if you thought the crowd was antsy before… And then Rusty gets hung up or something, and Beta catches his back! Yes! WHAMMO, right into the mailbox! And a second shot to the side, which nearly stops it; of course, “nearly stopped” means that Beta can ram it again, and this is just getting freaking depressing so I’ll skip to the end. Beta, knockout. Who the hell thought this was a good idea??

Mammoth (1-0) vs. Hypershock (0-1)
Truly a David vs. Goliath matchup if ever there was one…of course, that means a lot less when both weigh the same, but never mind that for now. Will Bales, Hypershock’s driver, uses its speed to good effect, sizing up his opponent and denying it any easy shots. He commits! And Mammoth takes a good sized jolt. Another strike! And another! And…Mammoth just lost a little piece. Followed by another little piece. Followed by a bigger pieces. In a matter of seconds it’s a complete mess. All Bales needs to do is extract his bot from beneath the tangle of busted pipes, and…no problem. Ricky Willems, the operator of Mammoth, begs…in a very whiny tone of voice, I might add…his enemy to flip his machine over so he can continue the match…this being the second match for both of them, and in the case of Hypershock a virtual must-win, and I hereby declare Willems deserving of everything he gets for the entirety of his Battlebots career in perpetuity. Friggin’ schmuck. Incredibly, Bales obliges…

…with a shot straight to the battery compartment which causes Mammoth to start smoking heavily. You can’t make this stuff up, folks!

Sub Zero (1-1) vs. Sporkinok (0-1)
Curious matchup, this. Sub Zero appears to be one of those “better than bad, worse than good” gatekeepers who prevails if the opponent stands still long enough and will mostly likely get bounced pretty quickly wherever it lands in the tournament, whereas Sporkinok is…a bizarre looking lifter with a spork attachment. (Which recently got its tines handed to it by friggin’ Rusty, let’s not forget.) The only possible motivation I can see for this is to give Sub Zero an easy win (or, alternatively, banishing Team Sub Zero to the doghouse if by some ungodly calamity it loses). I mean, they can’t all be wars of attrition, but everyone deserves some chance at cracking the win column, right? Right?

The fight! Such as it was! Jeeziz. You know that joke about a complete bum who does nothing but get pounded for the entire fight, how his strategy is to wear his opponent out from punching him? (I remember this being an episode of The Simpsons. Ah, when that show was worth my time…) That honest-to-god looks exactly like what Sporkinok is doing here…I certainly did not see evidence of any “weapon”…except that Sub Zero’s driver Logan Davis is such a colossal flailing spaz that it actually looks like it might have a chance of working. He continuously slams into walls, runs right by the opponent, flips over, rams various parts into the floor, spins out of control…he managed to actually make contact with his supposed target something 20% of the time. It was downright painful to watch. It finally ends when Sporkinok, which I can finally confirm is indeed a useless pile of crap, stops working because who needs a reason, really. Congrats, Davis. You’re in. Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. Your motor control is shaky enough as it is.

Before we continue, the standings, which they decided to throw up right freaking now for whatever reason.
3-0 (1): Madcatter
2-0 (9): Black Dragon, Bloodsport, Beta, Copperhead, Hydra, Jackpot, Lock-jaw, Uppercut, Valkyrie
2-1 (2): Malice, Sub Zero
1-1 (22): Big Dill, Captain Shrederator, Claw Viper, End Game, Fusion, Gigabyte, Hijinx, Hypershock, Kraken, Mammoth, P1, Pain Train, Perfect Phoenix, Ribbot, Rusty, Sawblaze, Shatter, Skorpios, Slapbox, Sm(e), Tantrum, Tombstone
1-0 (4): Chomp, Deadlift, Gruff, Slammow
0-1 (7): Aegis, Bale Spear, Chronos, Gamma 9, Gemini, Grabot, Whiplash
0-2 (10): Atom #94, Axe Backwards, Extinguisher, Ghost Raptor, Huge, Rotator, Sharkoprion, Sporkinok, Tracer, Witch Doctor

With 32 bots making the tournament, that makes 1-2 the bubble. Other than a few obvious no-hopes such as Atom #94, Sporkinok, and Aegis, it’s too soon to write off anyone. Don’t be surprised to see someone who suffered to pretty bad defeats sneak in.

Profile of Bale Spear, the creation of farmer Earl Pencoast III. It kinda looks like a barnified tractor. And it’s a…poker, for lack of a better term. I’m getting the feeling this one’s not going to be on the bubble, if you catch my drift. The opponent is Tracer, which I’ve seen far too little of to form any opinion other than “easy target”. Hey, they both had an untelevised drubbing, who knew. These seem like the kind of jobbers the TV crew would be happy to leave completely in the cold but you can’t fill ten episodes with just Hydra and Tombstone and Uppercut. More on this at the end.

Bale Spear (0-1) vs. Tracer (0-2)
Prefight, and Pencoast is sounding more defeatist by the second. Geez, what is this? I know you’re not going to be the favorite against anyone, but you didn’t come here to lose, dammit! Tracer knocks off one of the two “barn door” shields with the first impact, and that’s the most action we see for a while. And…there’s some carry, and just like that Bale Spear craps out. Insert your own “left the barn door open” joke here.

Tracer’s master, Jason Woods, is jubilant. If the selection committee has a microounce of compassion, they’ll allow him to leave the battlebox with his happiness and one win. Dumping him in the tournament to get creamed by a real contender is just going to be cruelty.

Today’s pre-main fluff piece features Ricky Willems and his sidekick, who stands silently off to the side looking rather lost. Willems says that although the weapon chain was broken, the wheels still worked and he wanted to give the fans more of a fight, which is why he pleaded for Will Bales to flip him over. “Well, he’s a fast driver, but not that precise.” Now, on one hand, I can appreciate a never-say-die attitude, a desire to fight to the last drop of blood no matter how dire the situation looks. But on the other haHAHAHAHA! AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! YOU CHUMP! YOU COMPLETE, UTTER TOOL! THAT WAS THE BIGGEST FAIL IN THE HISTORY OF AHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

(Seriously, dude…shut your mouth, walk away, and cut your freaking losses. You’re going to hit the center of the Earth at the rate you’re digging.)

Main event - Gruff (1-0) vs. Whiplash (0-1)
Florian gushes about how Whiplash is one of the elite because it the last three seasons it has only lost to Tombstone, Witch Doctor, Bite Force, and Sawblaze. So…being a gatekeeper counts as “elite” now? Actually, given that bots such as Big Dill, Captain Shrederator, and Rusty are still in contention, maybe it does. Gruff enters with a bit of damage to one of its wedgelets, not a great sign.

Gruff gets to work with its fire weapons. Whiplash nicely manhandles its foe, but that small disk is having trouble making contact. The more time Gruff has to work, the greater the chance its superhot flames are going to burn something out, so you can’t allow it to dictate the fight. And just like that, one of its flame shooters shuts down! Whiplash’s saw arm is mobile, and it scores a clean hit to the top of Gruff. Now the chess match begins, both teams trying to outmaneuver the other and gain some, any tactical advantage. Gruff has lost its fire and can’t do anything with its forks while Whiplash is rolling it around, and not surprisingly Whiplash decides to continue its tumbleweed assault. Halfway mark…and Whiplash starts to smoke! Durability issues doomed it against Sawblaze; is another opponent going to simply out last it? Gruff tries to grapple, with little success; this is not its strength. Whiplash’s spinner stops! And Gruff starts smoking! Like so many more conventional main events, a fight that started with explosive offensives and spectacular moves has turned into a plain ‘ol battle of attrition. Which man will stay upright longer? Whiplash has Gruff pinned. Gruff tries to escape but keeps getting manhandled. Even with a dead disk Whiplash’s arm can still move, and it uses it flip Gruff like a flapjack. As the final seconds tick away, there isn’t much doubt over the winner. Yooner for Whiplash, right? Right. The playoff picture just got a little more muddied.

In closing: I’ve already mentioned some of the things I really like about this show. Let me add another, and I’ll use another reality show, American Ninja Warrior, for comparison. They show the contests. In seven days of competition, there have been a total of 53 matches, and all but 3 of them have been shown in their entirety, on the screen. This despite the usual number of interviews, inside looks, fluff pieces, etc. Compare that to ANW, where we see maybe a tenth of the total contestants on a good day, numerous matches are shunted to an extremely slam-bang highlight reel (what I affectionately call “waiweewuwwaweiland”), the order of the runs is completely janked up, and we don’t even see some of the shown runs in their entirety. I don’t mind when something like The Bachelor or Hell’s Kitchen gets edited to death…those shows are all about the juicy drama, after all…but when I watch a competition, cheesy or not, I want to see the ding-dang competition! And Battlebots always delivers. (That’s also one of the really nice things about The Titan Games, BTW. Wonder when that one’s coming back.)

[lobotomyboy63]

I’m not clear about the chronology of Battlebots. This season was on a different network, had different announcers, etc. I’m still scratching my head about “Buddy Lee Don’t Play in the Street” as a bot.

- YouTube

Then there’s this, taking the bot concept to a nutty level.

THE GIANT ROBOT DUEL

[steronz]

@lobotomyboy63

I’m not clear about the chronology of Battlebots. This season was on a different network, had different announcers, etc. I’m still scratching my head about “Buddy Lee Don’t Play in the Street” as a bot.

BattleBots did 5 seasons on Comedy Central between 2000 and 2002. ABC then revived the series in 2015 and did a 2nd season of the revival in 2016. Then the show was on the verge of dying until Discovery picked it up and has done 2018, 2019, 2020, and is planning on 2021.

[DKW]

Just wanted to head something off at the pass…I know I’ve been critical of the quality of some of the entrants here. Normally this is the point where I start clamoring for some kind of minor league or relegation, some place the weak contestants can have some kind of prayer. I’d just like to say that it’s completely unfeasible here. This is an expensive sport, and finding builders, testers, and drivers with the money, backing, and will to keep going match after match, season after season is always going to be an uphill battle. Remember that these intricate works of engineering need to be repaired after each fight, and in some cases completely rebuilt. (To answer the inevitable tedious question: Yes, it’s still the goddam Ship of Theseus. Now go bother someone else. ) It’s no fun seeing a Sporkinok flail around, but it’s really no fun not having a show to watch. So bring on the lovable losers, I say. Gotta put something before the Lock-jaw match.

PRELIMS DAY 8 1/28/21

Kraken is now sporting a harpoon, which its driver Matt Spirk thinks is going to grant some kind of advantage against Huge, and hope springs eternal, I guess. Huge has betrayed some serious limitations this season, while Kraken is definitely going to have its fangs full with those massive wheels; unless someone has some serious inspiration, this could be the end of the line for both.

Huge (0-2) vs. Kraken (1-1)
Kraken swallows up the center of Huge before that bar can reach full speed, and it turns on the flames. This seems to be Spirk’s whole strategy: Prevent the enemy from doing anything, do whatever heat damage it can for 30 seconds, and hope the judges are in a good mood that day. The “break” comes, and Kraken finds itself down a belt and part of the front panel. A little jockeying later, Huge gets its first solid hit which sends more metal flying. Oh look, the harpoon caught a wheel! Kraken pulls Huge…for a few seconds. And now Huge is just smacking Kraken around…which is how it ends. The announcers predictably gush about that little fire attack at the onset and that bit of harpoon “control”, but I’m totally not seeing what the hell Kraken did to win this. Huge scores the easy yooner, and whaddya know, that supposed miscarriage of justice was in fact an anomaly, whatever it was.

Jonathan Schultz is just relieved to get a win on the board and doesn’t say much about his tournament prospects, other than that he’ll “repair Huge”, which he should do anyway. Spirk is weirdly happy because “you can’t kill the Kraken”, and…ugh. No. You absolutely cannot be okay with losing a decision. A decision loss is A LOSS, plain and simple. You don’t accept that reality, you’re just going to lose again and again and again until the producers decide you’re not worth the trouble and kick you out for good.

And now he’s demanding that Kraken be in the tournament. Geez. I know that this contest requires a certain attitude, but did it have to be THAT attitude?

Up next is another first-nontelever…nontelefirster…untel…uh, it wasn’t deemed important enough to show before now, Axolotl. It’s a drum spinner with a forks on either side. You may have notice that while you’ll see everything from mailbox/popcorn bowl behemoths and impractical utensil wavers, there are only a few truly effective robot designs (at least within the current rules). I’m seeing more and more that it’s all the little things that spell the difference between a champ and a bum. Weapon placement. Armor design. The electronics and how they’re protected. The battery compartment. Weight distribution. Maneuverability. Speed vs. power. Big vs. small. All the hours of design and testing and note-taking that iron out the flaws one by one and create a fearsome force of destruction, that’s what spells the difference between Bite Force and…well, Axolotl.

Ribbot (1-1) vs. Axolotl (0-1)
Highlights. Axolotl spinning up its drum to a rather unimpressive speed. Ribbot running around its much slower foe. Ribbot giving a hit. Ribbot giving another hit. Axolotl crapping out. Ribbot giving another hit. Axolotl still showing no movement, now clearly, totally, unequivocally done, absolutely dead, with zero chance of moving another inch, all over but the shouting from the guy in the stripey shirt, finito, kaput, no need to deliver any more damage. And then Ribbot’s driver, David Chin, bellows some nonsense and charges Axolotl head-on, which has the immediate effect of knocking off Ribbot’s head. Well, at least we all know what Team Ribbot is good at, which is beating up on grossly overmatched scrubs and doing damage to their own flimsy stupid-looking cosmetics. I can’t wait to see them in the tournament.

Big Dill (1-1) vs. Rotator (0-2)
Victor Soto is entering Rotator at a mere 215 pounds; he feared BD’s forks would get caught in the wheel guards and took them off. Mmm…given BD’s general offensive abilities, I think making sure that your bot doesn’t blow itself up is the key. Rotator gets a decent hit. And another. And another. And…I’m not seeing a lot of damage. The arms are a big dinged but that’s all. That…THAT is the rap against Rotator, it simply doesn’t have the offensive firepower to compete. BD did virtually nothing but get hit the whole fight and still almost went the distance. In the end it’s a very slow death, and Soto gets to have marginal tournament credentials, as opposed to no.

Lock-jaw (2-0) vs. Jackpot (2-0)
The superstar veteran against the blazing phenom…a classic matchup if there ever was one. Bigtime tournament implications here. Jackpot dashes right in for a wepper, and Lock-jaw obliges…to its immediate detriment! Its spinner grinds to a halt while Jackpot’s keeps humming along. Another head-on collision, and Lock-jaw loses a belt, and seconds later starts smoking…oh, geez. Then a flip-over. Lock-jaw’s spinner returns to life, but much weaker than at the start of the match, and the hits just keep on coming. 90 seconds to go…and Jackpot has lost a belt! The upstart still has the upper hand for now, but can he win a pushing duel? And…Lock-jaw…is losing power! It’s dead! The bargain-basement bot commanded by a complete greenhorn has just completed a clean sweep of prelims! These are the kind of moments that legitimate sports have, folks!

Chronos (0-1) vs. Bloodsport (2-0)
Chronos is a rim spinner, which differs from a full body spinner in that only the outside edge spins. Which has the advantage of…hell if I know, I’m just the ignorant casual here. Unfortunately, this isn’t an intriguing matchup from a tactical standpoint. Due to the design of the bots, every contact is going to be a wepper, so it’s mostly a matter of which machine can take more of a pounding. It’s even worse if both weapons go down quickly, as is the case here. Bloodsport briefly gets moving again but gives out again almost right away, meaning that the bulk of the match has all the excitement of Greco-Roman wrestling. Chronos, if nothing else, is a tough nut to crack; I don’t even see any dents. Aaaaaand, that’s how it ends. I have to give the nod to Bloodsport for at least making an effort, but this was a pretty dismal showing on both sides. You can’t be all defense! Yooner and a perfect prelims for Bloodsport. We’ll see how good it really is soon enough.

And lo and behold, another bad name on the docket. This one is titled “WAR?EZ!”, named after its builder, Jonathan Juarez (his son Dylan does the driving); it’s pronounced “war easy”. And is really damn hard to keep its spelling consistent. Imma spell it “Warez” with zero remorse. You have a problem with that? Okay, cool.

Fusion (1-1) vs. Warez (1-1 and still pronounced “war easy”, BTW)
Winner the dance, loser the rants. Fusion elects to attack with the drum first. Both bots have trouble closing the gap, and when they do their weapons fail to find anything. Warez is a vertical disk spinner with a high orientation relative to the compact Fusion, and it’s hampering both their efforts to do any damage. It looks like it’s coming down to a wepper, and indeed it does, both combatants sent tumbling. And that’ll do it; Warez got flipped, lost a tire, and has no self-righter (Really?? ); resounding kill to Fusion. Jonathan consoles Dylan with “It wasn’t that bad”, and I seriously have to wonder just what the bloody hell would qualify as “that bad” in his eyes. Maybe showing the first two fights would provide some perspective?

Reese Ewert, Fusion’s driver, sounds a bit overwhelmed, like he never expected to make it this far. There seems to be some family friction and some high expectations on him; apparently he needs to win the Giant Nut before he’ll be welcomed home again. Ewert, take it from me…this is a fool’s wager. It made zero sense with Jeannie Mai and it makes zero sense with you. Flip the bird to everyone and move on, and the sooner the better.

Now it’s almost time for the main event, Skorpios vs. Tombstone, and in both camps the smack talk is flying high. It’s called “smack” talk, incidentally, because you want to smack some sense into them for spewing out such ridiculous BS. Ray Billings claims Tombstone is ready to win the Giant Nut based on the Slap Box match, which is like declaring a team a Super Bowl contender after beating the New York Jets. Skorpios’ driver, Zack Lyttle, laments that he only has one win, which would be extremely bad news if he had two freaking matches under his belt, as opposed to, say, twenty, and I truly despise it when the word “only” gets horribly abused like this. He’s been waiting for this match for four years, and I’m sure there are a lot of folks in his camp praying like hell for there to not be horrible disappointment. Billings says that having only one Giant Nut is a problem. I think you have way bigger problems than that, big guy, but the full assessment can wait until after the season.

Main event - Skorpios (1-1) vs. Tombstone (1-1)
Billings gives an ominous “that’s not good” just before the match begins. Plenty of maneuvering at the onset, Skorpios keeping its heavily armored front facing Tombstone’s blade but unable to do much in response. Already Skorpios’ right tire looks bad. Finally it drops the saw; it’s a wepper, no edge. Another hit, and Skorpios loses a chunk of armor. The saw drops again, and it’s another wepper. If all Lyttle knows how to do is absorb punishment and trade hits, it’s going to be an ugly defeat for him. And…Tombstone is having drive problems? Skorpios rushes in, perhaps a bit too hastily, and both bots are sent flying. And again! Skorpios looks in really rough shape, while Tombstone can only do right turns. Who will surv…Lyttle still hasn’t had enough! Skorpios dives right in for more mutual pounding! When is too much way too much? Now Tombstone has lost its right tire! If Lyttle backs off, the win is his…BUT HE REFUSES! MORE HITS! We’ve seen overaggressive drivers doom so, so many machines, is Skorpios headed to that same junk heap? And the ref has seen enough! Even in the midst of all this pounding, he starts counting! Protest by Billings! Correctly ignored! Skorpios wins!

Team Skorpios is celebrating like crazy. This was the defining win of Lyttle’s career; it may be the biggest win he ever gets. I almost want them to actually go to Disneyland…I can’t see the tournament being anything but a letdown for them. Billings has, of course embraced the villain role for this show for whatever reason, but lately he’s been sounding less like a bad guy and more like a plain old idiot. “Tombstone was still moving! The fight shouldn’t have been stopped!” Um…you do realize that the key word is CONTROLLED, right? As in straight, right, and left. One outta three don’t cut it! You’ve been around long enough to know this, dammit! Mike Tyson? Try Ken Shamrock.

[BrickBat]

Yet more thanks for the exciting and vividly worded accounts. I was able to see some re-runs and got to see some of the matches you so described, in addition to the ones I’ve already seen. A few of my own musings:

ISTM the large montrosities like ‘Mammoth’ and ‘Huge’, though capable of inflicting “huge” damage are in the “the bigger they are the harder they fall” pigeonhole. Mammoth, once toppled, just bashes itself into a worse and worse mess as it thrashes about to right itself. The wheels on ‘Huge’ may keep the guts of its workings higher above the fray than other robots but I’ve seen them to be the proverbial glass jaw(s) or achilles heels, whichever. Too much of a big target, too spindly. Too vulnerable.

I’m impressed with the armor and toughness of ‘Gruff’. If their flamethrower(s) were more reliable.

If one employs a ( horizontal ) blade spinner, it better have a fast spin-up time. I’ve seen so many spend more time trying to run away to give themselves some spin-up space they let their opponents dictate the fight. I’m impressed with ‘Tombstone’ and it’s heavy and fast blade, but I can’t stand it’s owner/handler, and so I find myself rooting for whoever is fighting against Tombstone ( though I kinetic smashings are still eye and ear candy )

‘Witch Doctor’ could be a tough little hard hitting sonofagun if they get reliability issues worked out.

Regarding spinners drums/blades, I’ve been thinking of what might be the optimum drive methods. Chains are less prone to slippage yes, but the force of a sudden stop snaps them as easily as a belt, and we’ve seen enough unraveled belts and chains. A gear/bevel gear & torque tube drive would be the most mechanically positive drive but when extreme force is applied, all that torque is going end up somewhere at the weakest point. A clutching mechanism perhaps, but then again there may be too much room for slippage. A real conundrum. One bot, don’t remember which uses a gasoline engine just to spin their blade. More or less direct drive, and not dependent upon the bot’s own battery. Cool idea, but then you better protect that fuel from ‘Gruff’.

I have an idea for a blade system: Two high speed titanium impregnated die-grinder type discs. But here’s the thing: make them counter-rotating. That way you can saw away and cleave through the opponent for a long(er) duration without the rotation of your own weapon bouncing you back. The blades would have to be close together as can be made so that the it’s both blades that always make contact at the same time.

Final muse: Hey ‘Beta’. Yeah you’re a tough nut construction-wise, but I have to ask: Does it cost you a thousand dollars every time you swing that hammer? I’m not saying flail away like a 2-year old would if you hand him a hammer, but come on. If you’re going to be that careful with it, a secondary weapon system might be in order. Very few times will you get the goldilocks moment to crack your opponent’s weaker areas when he knows damned well that’s all you can do. Sometimes I wonder if the vaunted conservative-ness of using that damned hammer is just a cover for the fact it’s too fragile to be used in most cases. We’ve seen the thing get bent or busted before.

[DKW]

Brickbat - Wow, awesome post. I mean it. This is the kind of insight I was hoping to get when I started this thread. Kudos!

From what I’ve seen, the advantage to a big bot is that the opponent can’t fight it like a normal bot. It moves differently, it attacks from different angles, its target areas are spread out. That can really fluster an opponent who’s used to aggressive box rushes or flipping. It’s still limited to 250 pounds, though, so it’s not going to be a lot more powerful or durable. Mammoth and Huge may have gotten some…noteworthy wins, but they’re never going to be more than gatekeepers. Horizontal spinners, as I mentioned earlier, are very feast-or-famine beasts. The main problem, to me, is that unless they rush in hard, only the tip of the blade is going to hit, and the enemy is going to get knocked away with little more than a scratch. What Ray Billings has done with Tombstone was make it highly maneuverable, giving its blade the best chance to deliver a crushing blow…which, on occasion, ends up getting it crushed. The bottom line is that no one weapon, setup, or method is going to be perfect. The builders with the greatest success are the ones which weigh risk against reward, study their opponents, test rigorously, and, above all else, accept that bad breaks are going to happen no matter what and all they can do is hope for better luck next time.

Beta…eh, I dunno. They’ve always been cautious, but even when they do fire away, it seems like they miss half the time and throw their own machine out of kilter. I think an overhead-swinging hammer is simply too difficult to use effectively. A ram or horizontal-swinging club would be more practical.

PRELIMS DAY 9 2/4/21

Captain Shrederator (1-1) vs. Shatter (1-1)
Man, the Captain is definitely bearing the scars of war. Adam Wrigley blamed the Malice loss on all the shiny panels being knocked off influencing the judges, other than the fact that, y’know, it was a complete toss-up and these things freaking happen, so he’s leaving them off from now on. Probably a good decision…those bits of plastic flying everywhere can’t have left a good impression. Anyway, if he can’t even beat a walking wounded, there won’t be any tears shed for his absence from the tournament.

CS draws first blood with three unanswered hits. The problem with a hammer weapon is that you have to aim before firing, and thus far Shrederator has been too slippery to target. A fourth hit, and Shatter loses more of itself. Wrigley wants CS to slow down and give him a clean shot before pulling the trigger, and one has to wonder just how much time he has. A big hit, and both bots spin into the distance. Another hit. Still no hammer. FINALLY…a miss. A hit which inverts Shatter, but it rights itself with a swing. CS is smoking (a common problem with energy-burning FBSes)! Shatter runs up and…misses! And misses two more times! CS is really slow now. Shatter pursues…and comes up a big short. Good lord, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, what the hell is this, a pencil-and-paper RPG?

More maneuvering and…FINALLY!! (For real this time!) Shatter’s first hit of the match…which sort of bounces off. A couple more hits follow, and now CS’s top is a bit dented, which of course is peanuts compared to smoking the batteries. More hits follow…it looked like a bit of steel came loose, nothing more. Any experienced karateka can tell you what the problem is: If you want to do any real damage, you have to punch through the target. If you only make surface contact, no matter how much force you put into the blow, very little of it will actually reach your opponent. Shatter may be making pretty-looking swings, but as long as the hammer can’t reach below a couple inches off the ground, CS will only get love taps. Shatter manages to push CS into the corner, and now the “pulverizer” gets into the action. The box hazards, honestly, are nuisances at best (I’ve certainly never seen them swing a fight), so the remainder of the match is Wrigley and the pulverizer operator desperately poking away at CS to even the score from all the hits Shatter took earlier.

And, time. Well, that certainly was…amusing. (I am digging deep into my vocabulary for this show. ) Yooner for…wow, that was quick…Shatter. Wrigley immediately proclaims that his machine could go all the way, and amazing how quickly he traded martyrdom for delusions of grandeur. This guy is hopeless.

Gigabyte (1-1) vs. Claw Viper (1-1)
What’s CV’s thing again? Oh, right, going really fast, which it demonstrates by slamming into the wall two feet from Gigabyte. (Control! Power! Nothing! Come on!) Gigabyte makes contact and gets thrown skyward but lands unharmed. CV is getting erratic, and a few sideswipes from Gigabyte don’t help. It moves back and forth…it’s lost its ability to turn! And then in a fitting conclusion in heads right beneath a pulverizer, where it remains to the bitter end. Team Gigabyte recovers from a crushing humiliation on day 1 to make the tournament. That’s a winner in my book!

Update on Chomp, the six-legged turret-hammered curiosity. There was actually some hype about it after its win against Gamma 9, but after an untelevised match (I have absolutely no idea who or what decides which matches get the bum’s rush; just another one of those eternal reality TV mysteries, like vote totals) against Ghost Raptor, which it lost, it may be on the outside looking in. I was completely unimpressed by GR in its first two fights, and to lose to it is pretty damning. In fact, there seems to be a considerable “any given Sunday” contingent in this sport, bots who look great every so often but will never have the consistency required to get through the tournament. Anyway, the big scuttlebutt here is that Chomp’s driver, Zoe Stevenson, will be taking on Hijinx led by Jen Hurkenroder. Hurkenroder considers Stevenson a hero (ine, whatever), meaning that it will be even harder to do any damage whatsoever to Chomp than usual.

Baby steps, as Rose says. Something we’ll see a great many of from Chomp See What I Did There.

Chomp (1-1) vs. Hijinx (1-1)
The match: Clank! Clank! Clank! Swing and a miss! Clank! Useless glancing blow! Clank! Armor bent inward, Chomp’s legs can’t move no more! Science marches on!

Hurkenroder is very happy at her tournament-clinching win, and enjoy it while you can, I guess.

Witch Doctor (0-2) vs. Slammo (2-0)
I certainly hope Suplex City has a good sanitation department, if you catch my drift. WD gets the first hit, then the second, then the third, fourth, and fifth. Slammo tries to “clinch”, which is every bit as effective here as it is in boxing. More smacks break Slammo’s right panel and part of one of the arms, and I can see which way the wind is blowing, can’t you? Oh, oh, oh, Slammo’s faltering. LINING UP THE KILL SHOT!!! And WD completely whiffs and plows into the rail. Look, I’ll spell it out for you…if your weapon is a drum spinner, you don’t need to go blasting in at a thousand miles an hour! There’s nothing wrong with being accurate! Geez! The merciful countdown finally begins. The Galately clan has a glimmer of hope, and Team Slammo will have a sobering reality check following it to the tournament.

Extinguisher (0-2) vs. Gruff (1-1)
(I just did an image search for “anime puppy”, and Extinguisher does not look even remotely like any of them.) The highlight of the match is an actually pretty entertaining grappling duel, where Gruff grunts and strains and struggles before finally flipping Extinguisher backwards and taking it for a ride. Extinguisher’s spinner craps out immediately afterward, and we’re treated to the usual slow torture…Gruff is smoking! Badly! So now it’s a matter of survival, if Gruff can show controlled…GRUFF JUST CAME TO A HALT! And that’s it. To finish first, you must first finish, alas.

Perfect Phoenix (1-1) vs. Atom #94 (0-2)
Atom #94 loses its weapon like 15 seconds in, allowing PP to burn out its battery and stop spinning. Sheesh, these students of Ray Billings are doing about as well as Billings himself. It’s annoying how the announcers constantly bleat “You don’t want to let it go to the judges!” as if 98% of these bolt-buckets had any choice in the matter. Yooner for Perfect Phoenix. Rose immediately asks driver Tyler Nguyen why he did a victory dance, and…look, he’s way better than Matt Iseman, let’s get that clear, but it’s a just a tad disheartening to see these moments of pathetic bloviating ignorance. An 11-year-old boy celebrating a tournament-clinching win? Why? WHY, DAMMIT??

Quickie recap of Mammoth/Deadlift. In a nutshell, Mammoth lost its weapon chain early but was able to eke out a win because…well, because its opponent was a hapless rookie bum. “Take on someone even more pathetic” is as sure a path to victory as exists in any sport.

Main event - Copperhead (2-0) vs. Black Dragon (2-0)
The first truly big game of the season, between two old rivals, powerful crushers capable of destroying any opponent. Of course both are assured of the tournament, but to finish perfect with a win over a strong foe guarantees a high seed and an easier (and less damaging) path.

Copperhead does nothing as BD onrushes and gets smacked to the side, but it quickly recovers and delivers some nice hits. BD gets flipped over, then again, but it can run inverted so there’s more to come. A belt comes off of BD, and its “eggbeater” weapon grinds to a halt! BD’s driver defiantly slams headfirst into Copperheads drum time and again. Rose suggest that he may be trying to take out the drum spinner to even the score. It seems like a ridiculous strategy, but it’s all he has right now…and… gag me with a Big Dill fork, it looks like it might just work! The spinner is losing steam, the drive is getting shaky, and BD is gaining the upper hand in the pushing duel. (Oh, and a “killsaw” popped out and made some noise or something.) They lock up like the proverbial Greco-Roman time wasters, and that’s how this one ends.

Copperhead prevails by the score of Weapon Just Barely Still Functioning to Weapon Oh So Close To Just Barely Still Functioning, but in truth, neither bot leaves the box a loser tonight. They’ve both proven they’re ones to watch in the tourney, and the only question is how many unworthy pretenders they’ll demolish on the way. Three would be a good number.

[DKW]

It’s the last day of prelims, and, much like the end of a regular season of a more conventional sport, my mood is rather…impatient. Pretty much all the important stuff has been settled, all the no-hopes have been sent off (what the heck happened to Sharkoprion, anyway?), and most of the remainder are fighting for seedings, not that they have much of a chance of getting them. In short, I’m in just-get-it-over-with-so-we-can-get-to-the-good-stuff mode. Keep that in mind.

PRELIMS DAY 10 2/11/21

Hydra (2-0) vs. Uppercut (2-0)
At this point the smart move for Team Hydra may be just to get to the tournament in decent shape. It’s tough to see it romping over the rampaging Uppercut. It gets the first word, sending Uppercut tumbling across the box. The MIT stalwarts are having a little trouble getting it back under control. Now it’s…moving around in an extremely awkward position, balance on one wheel and the weapon axle. Finally it gets the other wheel back down. Hydra gets a big flip. And a second. Uppercut is really janky, repeatedly tilting to one side and getting its prongs stuck in the floor. More flips follow. Uppercut is getting tossed around like a beanbag and getting almost nothing in response. And then its weapon stops. It briefly spins up again…ooh, one hit, but to not very much effect.

Time! Florian reiterates the point that it doesn’t matter how powerful a bot’s weapon is if it’s flying uselessly through the air. Obvious yooner for Hydra. I’m not sure that I’d call it a tournament favorite, but it definitely a bot no one can afford to overlook. Uppercut gets its first blemish, but better to get exposed here than when it’s win or go home.

I’ll deal with this “Wyachi curse” thing later.

Rusty (1-1) vs. Sawblaze (1-1)
It’s been a strange trip for Dave Eaton and his buffoonish yet weirdly hardy contraption. The thing about sports, any sport, is that even the biggest wimp, scrub, or chump beats SOMEBODY. Even him, incredibly enough. Some of the most hapless, hopeless NFL teams of all time have gone 1-15 or 2-14. So I’m not that surprised that Rusty hasn’t been skunked. Now the question is, do the producers want to keep hope alive, give Rusty its pound of twisted steel every season so they can continue with the narrative about gutsy and tough etc etc., or do they make it face reality at some point and force Eaton to make some hard choices? Be interesting to see the future of this kludge-work. The present, alas, promises very little drama, as Jameson Go is super hungry right now after seeing the video of his flamethrower getting blasted something like 200 times right now, and this is absolutely a must-win for him, so expect a predictable slaughter.

They meet. Sawblaze catches Rusty’s side! The saw is digging into the mailbox. It’s pushing Rusty around…and…and…dammit, I was afraid of this. A saw is a precision weapon. For it to be effective, it needs to target something vital…an axle, a tire, a battery compartment, a weapon arm. Just shove it against a random part and all you’re doing is carving it a new mail slot. And then the flamethrower comes into play, to marginal effect. The announcers gush about how Rusty is still moving, which is as damning an indictment of its opponent’s power as you’ll ever hear from them. After what seems like far longer than three minutes, this extremely pointless exercise finally comes to an end. Yooner Sawblaze. Is everyone happy now?

Gamma 9 (0-1) vs. Tantrum (1-1)
And with a bracket to run down at the end, the showrunners decide to get this match over with right away, never bothering to explain why Gamma 9 only has one match to date. Plenty of great action to be had on this show, but the programming structure could use some fine-tuning. Gamma 9’s driver grumbles about having no traction, and with that any tiny sparks of hope at this match not being boring as hell are snuffed out. Tantrum wins tournament hooray NEXT!

End Game (1-1) vs. Hypershock (1-1)
Two bots who might amount to something, might let everyone down. The proof is in the Battlebox! Endgame gives a big hit, Hypershock flies over the screws, tries to get off, End Game shoves it back over, aaaaaand the self-righter gets caught over the screws. And Rose gripes about something. Yeesh all around.

Sm(e) (1-1) vs. P1 (1-1)
There are going to be some disappointing first rounders…better get used to the idea now. Oh, oh, in just a few seconds P1 does the winning move, putting one half of Sm(e) over the rail! It’s wheels are in the air; it can’t move! This…and then it gently places Sm(e) back on the floor because the fans blah blah blah blah don’t want to blah blah. I can’t take any more of this. P1 yada yada doomed. Moving on.

Beta (2-0) vs. Grabot (0-1)
All right, what in the Samuel L. Hill is going on here? First the Brits get an underpowered, easily manhandled disk spinner, then a mailbox on wheels, and now a non-flying Chorch? At this rate they’re going to be fighting a Roomba. Sure enough, Grabot immediately has drive issues, and having determined that the opponent is absolutely not going to keep them honest, Team Beta just pushes it around a bit. Finally, finally, their foe is helpless in the corner, and it’s a huge swing…and a miss. This…seriously, it’d be more tolerable if it wasn’t so goddam PREDICTABLE! I’ll skip to the part where Beta wins, because it can’t get destroyed in the tournament fast enough. What a complete joke.

Main event - Whiplash (1-1) vs. Valkyrie (2-0)
Whiplash is going with a pure lifter configuration, sacrificing the spinner for extra armor. Valkyrie hasn’t been overwhelmingly dominant in either of its wins; could defense be the key to beating it? Whiplash immediately bullrushes Valkyrie, who just stands there and takes it (how long does it take to fire up a horizontal blade, anyway?). Valkyrie fires back with a hard shot which launches Whiplash back, and it charges right back in for another head-on collision. It’s obvious what Whiplash’s strategy is…will it succeed? And…just like that, the spinner has stopped. Now Whiplash needs to either get Valkyrie up and over the barrier or…much harder!..do enough oshidashi-ing to convince the judges that it’s the better steel warrior. It’s a whole lot of rough treatment and smacking around and flipping, Valkyrie getting manhandled but remaining alive. OH…a part of the disabled spinner came off! This gives Whiplash the edge in damage, and this one is settled. Whiplash gets a well-deserved yooner and will be gunning for bigger prey in the tournament.

Sheesh, the judges get no respect even from the winners. I’m just feeling sorry for them at this point.

And that’s it for the prelims! (Thank goddesses! ) Now it’s the moment everyone’s been waiting for, the announcement of the tournament bracket! Unlike in the NCAAs, Battlebots’ sponsors are only going to shell out so much, so the announcers gotta take care of business right now. All right, without further ado, first round matchups.

Bottom left: 4 Uppercut vs. 29 Hijinx, 13 Beta vs. 20 Ribbot, 5 Black Dragon vs. 28 Slammow, 12 Madcatter vs. 21 Tombstone
The star of this quadrant is of course Uppercut, capable of delivering crushing doom to anyone if it picks the right shots. The undefeated Beta gets no respect and will no doubt have even less shortly. Tombstone has fallen pretty far (it almost certainly made it on reputation). It can still dominate inferior opposition, but I can’t imagine it beating a destroyer like Uppercut. Definitely too close to call.

Bottom right: 3 Copperhead vs. 30 Mammoth, 14 Lock-jaw vs. 19 Shatter, 6 End Game vs. 27 Perfect Phoenix, 11 Jackpot vs. 22 Rotator
It’s hard not to follow the chalk on this one; I will be floored if something other than Copperhead, End Game, or Jackpot makes it out of here. The others are various levels of too underpowered, too fragile, or too snakebitten (all three in the case of Mammoth).

Top right: 2 Bloodsport vs. 31 Gruff, 15 Fusion vs. 18 Tantrum, 7 Sawblaze vs. 26 Kraken, 10 Skorpios vs. 23 Witch Doctor
I keep waiting for Bloodsport to catch a bad beat, and it flat-out refuses to. Don’t expect any of the lackluster opposition here to reverse that trend. As for Witch Doctor, it’s too bad there are no trophies for runner-up in Battlebots, because that might be the only thing it could ever have gotten. A hard, hard fall after last season, and I have the feeling it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

Top left: 1 Hydra vs. 32 Hypershock, 16 Malice vs. 17 Gigabyte, 8 Whiplash vs. 25 Huge, 9 Valkyrie vs. 24 Subzero
Mmmmmmm…I dunno about #1. They’re basically counting on Hydra to keep up its keep-away game and protect its flipper indefinitely, which I just don’t see happening. On a more ludicrous note, what is Huge doing here? Does anyone seriously believe it’s going to be anything other than a big target? Team Mammoth must be really steamed now, being ranked five spots below it after beating it.

Will get started on the tournament in a day or two, if I’m lucky.

[Spoons]

@BrickBat

One bot, don’t remember which uses a gasoline engine just to spin their blade. More or less direct drive, and not dependent upon the bot’s own battery.

Icewave, I think. It has an exhaust pipe on top. I hope the team has improved it, because you can find a few videos on YouTube where it gets destroyed.

[DKW]

Tournament time! First up are the eight matches on the left side of the bracket, then the eight on the right. All the second round matches get taken care of on the same day, and then the surviving eight make it official. We’ve seen all these bots before, so let’s get without-further-ado-ing!

TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND, LEFT SIDE 2/18/21

Madcatter (3-0) vs. Tombstone (1-2)
Martin Mason and Ray Billings. Whoever loses, we win. They circle around a few times before Tombstone gets the first hit. More circling, and it looks like an exchange. Not a lot of machines can outmaneuver the compact Tombstone; this might not be the fight Mason wants. Oh, oh, Madcatter has some drive issues and…the weapon is down. That’s tears it; against Tombstone, once you lose your weapon, your status changes from “opponent” to “lunch”. Madcatter stubbornly fights on, and…Tombstone directly into the screws. Bizarre unforced error from Billings; is age starting to catch up to him? And the wedge starts back up, weakly, but it’s not completely dead. Madcatter is going in circles. Tombstone gets a couple more hits. That should…and Madcatter slowly moves forward! Eventually it stops and Tombstone has the win, but this was definitely not the Tysonian demolition Billings wanted. The time was when Tombstone would have ripped that chump to pieces, and it just kinda smacked it into submission. As for Team Madcatter…well, there’ll be another time. No sense going all crazy. Even though you know Mason will.

Uppercut (2-1) vs. Hijinx (2-1)
A contrast of… BAM …Hijinx just got sent flying out of the box in eight seconds. Damn.

Black Dragon (2-1) vs. Slammow (2-1)
It immediately goes downhill for Slammow, losing one bit after another. A burst of fire is the last (?) straw, icing the very easy win for Black Dragon. Craig Danby, Slammow’s driver, grumbles “Nearly had ‘em. I’m sick of nearly having people.” Uh…geez. There’s denial, and there’s fighting game. Go home, Danby, you’re drunk with the typical annoying hubris of a reality show personality who’s trying too hard.

Beta (3-0) vs. Ribbot (2-1)
Beta is sporting a chisel on the hammer bit which the Brits hope will do piercing damage. Ribbot is their first real opponent this season; it can take a pounding and is definitely never to be looked past. As expected, Ribbot completely manhandles (froghandles?) Beta for like a damn half a minute, getting it on the screws twice and flipping it over, to which Beta responds with freaking nothing. But then…yes! It’s about to attack! SWING…HIT…which lands on the spinner, flipping itself over. Geez, isn’t that always the story with Beta? First it refuses to use the hammer, then it uses the hammer and freaking misses, then it gets a hit and hurts itself more than its enemy. And then it stops moving and loses. More proof that “Most lethal hammer” is like “biggest mouse”. Also more proof that beating up three wimps in prelims means exactly two things, “zip” and “O”. Pathetic!

Some strategizing from Team Huge: Spin DOWN, not UP, stupid! Because armor! Florian says the win made everything go away. Still don’t think it belongs here.

Whiplash (2-1) vs. Huge (1-2)
Whiplash chases Huge all over the box; I’ve never seen it on one wheel that much before. Shots traded; neither bot has the upper hand just yet. Whiplash, in what I presume is the robotic equivalent of a “test of strength” (which I expect to be just as decisive as it is in wrestling), raises its saw to meet Huge’s spinning bar. This actually seems to work; Huge can’t spin up and Whiplash leaves some scratches in Huge’s body. Huge delivers some hits in response, but its weapon isn’t especially powerful, and Whiplash’s armor shrugs them all off. More chasing, more little hits. And more little hits. And more little hits! And…time. Neither bot is visibly damaged, but given that Whiplash was moving forward and Huge was on its giant rubber heels nearly the entire match, I have to say it’s an obvious yooner for Whiplash. And it is. Everythings that go away tend to come back with reinforcements, Florian.

Huge limps out of the Battlebox on the bad side of .300. What’s truly damning was that its opponents used fairly dubious tactics against it, yet something about that design made it incredibly vulnerable to them for some reason. Tumble around with it for a while until it gets a wheel stuck somewhere. Stick a funny-looking guardrail on the front of your bot that its weapon can’t reach around. Chase it down and put your weapon against its weapon so it can’t spin up. It just keeps getting humiliated like this to the point where it’s just hard to watch.

Valkyrie (2-1) vs. Sub Zero (2-1)
Logan Davis of Team Sub Zero was concerned about Valkyrie’s spinner, so he added more armor at the cost of air to power Sub Zero’s flipper. Which means that he’ll need to be, as Rose puts it, more precise with shots. Oh, this oughta be good. Valkyrie gets a few glancing shots to begin. Sub Zero charges and slams it against the wall, sending it flying into the glass, but it rebounds right back in. More hits to the front armor. Sub Zero turns around for a flip attempt, which is foiled when it takes a hard shot. More uncontested blows. Sub Zero’s armor plate is almost completely off…and now it’s off. Sub Zero…spins a bit and knocks Valkyrie around? Valkyrie is out of control!..but knocks off another big piece of Sub Zero. In chess, this is known as “inadequate compensation”. Sub Zero limps along for a few more seconds but soon grinds to a halt. Total flips delivered: 0. Yeah, real precise.

Some calm insight from owner Lianne Cushing, who’s in the round of 16 for the first time ever. She’s worked hard in the short time she’s been in this sport, and it’s great to see her get some well-deserved success. It’s also great to see these milestones go down because I’ll never have to hear about them again. (Hey, truths is truths! It’s the same for The Titan Games!)

In the preview of Malice/Gigabyte, we learn that Bunny Soriel was thrilled about making the tournament but incredibly whiny about getting Gigabyte in the first round. Uh… You do realize that the whole point of the bracket is to find out who THE BEST bot is, right? Meaning that if you actually want to get the Giant Nut, you need to take on a tough opponent or bad matchup at SOME point, right? I mean, what the hell are you here for, the invigorating chants? Sheesh…

Malice (2-1) vs. Gigabyte (2-1)
Gigabyte bops Malice around at will, the horizontal wheel spinner unable to get anything in response. If it can do this for three minutes, it’s an easy win, but we’ve seen that keeping it up is usually the hardest part. A big shot, and Malice is wobbly! And the absolute worst-case scenario for them, Gigabyte is still in great shape, betraying no speed or control loss. Another hit. Another…Malice…and Gigabyte just threw itself into the screws. You KNOW that’s what you have to avoid, Team Gigabyte! There was NO need to get stupidly aggressive! Come on! Malice clumsily swings back and forth, and it’s only a matter of time before the count begins. It does. It’s over.

Preview of the final match, Hydra/Hypershock, and…I guess “murderer’s row” is just this show’s Term That Gets Thrown Around Way Too Casually, much like World of Dance and “goosies”, or So You Think You Can Dance and “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH”. Witch Doctor, Huge, and Uppercut may have been a fairly challenging slate, but I wouldn’t call it insanely harsh. Throw in Bloodsport or Jackpot and, yeah, maybe. Unfortunately, it’s hampered by the Whyachi… the… Aw, geez… the WHYACHI CUUURRRSSSSEEEEE See, no team under the grand Whyachi umbrella has ever made it to the round of 16, so… You do all remember that the Curse of the Bambino lasted eighty-five years, correct? It shattered dreams, blew minds, and sent Red Sox fans crying to their graves for generations. GEN. ER. A. TIONS. With however piffling length of time Battlebots has been on (and with two near-cancellations), the idea that anything about it can… Like…maybe wait a bit longer before crying disproportionate divine retribution? Please?

Hydra (3-0) vs. Hypershock (1-2)
Hydra gets the first few shots. One of them inverts Hypershock, but it can move inverted. The more serious issue is that its spinner is now having trouble. Two big flips put Hypershock through the spin cycle but don’t do much damage. More flips. A bit of trash talk (), and another flip. Hypershock looks powerless, and it looks like we’re heading toward a boring yooner. It looks like Hypershock is completely immobile, which of course means that Hydra needs to get three utterly gratuitous hits in. (I mean, I could see one, but THREE??) In the end it’s the least impressive stoppage ever. I don’t when Hydra is getting creamed, but it can’t happen soon enough. Anyway, we’ll never have to hear about the Curse of Whatever again, so at least the night ends on a high note.

[DKW]

The ersatz fourth prelim continues!

TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND, RIGHT SIDE 2/25/21

Lock-jaw (2-1) vs. Shatter (2-1)
All right, Adam Wrigley, you’re in; now it’s time to put up or shut up (not that I expect you to ever shut up). And he comes out swinging, firing the hammer repeatedly and…getting some really nice hits! Lock-jaw is taking damage! This is honestly the most effective I’ve ever seen a hammer bot! Lock-jaw tries to counter, but it drum spinner can’t gain purchase on anything…and now it’s smoking! One spite swing later, Lock-jaw is dead in the water. Man…there’s no way to sugarcoat it; this is Donald Hudson’s worst driving ever. Lock-jaw did absolutely nothing but get pounded. We’re seeing some very popular oldtimers get clobbered this year.

Jackpot (3-0) vs. Rotator (1-2)
Adjustments: Jackpot with a wedge/lateral rod thingy combination…oh, wait, that’s just a lock…Rotator with a more Tombstone-esque speed-first setup because Victor Soto is sick of losing decisions and wants to get more aggressive. (Two decision losses qualifies as “riddled with”, Florian? Someone needs a bit of perspective here.) Fast-paced at the start, with a mixture of wedge shoves, chipping shots, and weppers. Then…BAM! Head on, both bots sent spiralling away! Rotator regroups. Jackpot is inverted…and…isn’t moving! Oh my goodness, did the driver just say “we’re done, we’re done”? Crap. Damning. Jackpot’s previous opponents crapped out so quickly that the issue of how durable it was never came up, and the moment Rotator went into Tasmanian Devil Mode, it was quickly battered into submission. Guess there are limits to how far bargain basement bot building can take you. Too bad.

Goddammit…“If yew dun have a sef-raita at Battuhbahts, yer in biiiiiiiiig trubble” is the most freaking inane motto I have ever heard in my freaking LIFE. And I was in the Boy Scouts.

Some stuff with Soto, who’s in a better mood now. Whatever he did, it worked. I’m just glad we don’t have to listen to him whine for a whole year.

End Game (2-1) vs. Perfect Phoenix (2-1)
Victor Wynn’s dream season continues, but his bot has some scars and he’s definitely going to have his hands full against a loaded and hungry New Zealand squad. They start off maneuvering, testing each other out. A few grazing shots. No commitment by either bot. Just then End Game moves in and…yikes, that was a hard shot. A second hit leaves Perfect Phoenix inverted over the screws. They reverse…but not enough to free it! Game to End Game! Yeah, just like that!

Copperhead (3-0) vs. Mammoth (1-1)
Zack Goff is convinced that he “got everything right” with this season’s Copperhead. The announcers gush about it being the most destructive drum spinner in Battlebots. Mammoth is so lackluster it never even got a third match. Seriously, how do you get into the tournament with just two stinking matches?? Wait, is that rotating club made of rubber now? Yeah, not liking its chances.

Copperhead charges head on into the weapon. Then continues rushing head-on as Mammoth swats it around. Copperhead mixes it up again and gets tangled up. And…that drum spinner is slowing down. And…yep, it’s dead, meaning that Copperhead is now the world’s smallest, wimpiest push bot. Ricky Willems wastes no time pressing his advantage, chasing down his foe and smacking it repeatedly. Wait, now it has drive issues? Now Copperhead is on its side…and the drum is spinning up again, but unreliably, on and off. More tangles, more clumsy hits.

Splitter! Derek, Mammoth. Lisa, Copperhead. Jason…Mammoth. Man. There’s no nice way to put this…Goff blew it. He completely, royally blew it. One of the things that really separates the men from the boys is winning the matches they’re supposed to. No overconfidence, no looking past, no mercy. There were two things Goff had to do here, make sure his weapon worked, and avoid Mammoth’s big spinning club. Once he took out a wheel or part of the suspension, this would have been in the bag. The only way Goff loses this is if he does literally the opposite of what he should be doing. A perfect prelims record flushed down the toilet.

Sawblaze (2-1) vs. Kraken (1-2)
Sawblaze rushes right in and bowls Kraken over. Memo to Kraken’s opponents; that doesn’t damage it in the slightest, so you need some kind of follow up. Y’know, if it isn’t too much trouble or anything. One of them just lost something short, black, and straight. Kraken quickly recovers and clamps down, and it didn’t take long to get to the boring part of the match, did it? The mandatory release finally happens, and Sawblaze immediately fires back with a shot…that doesn’t do much damage. But now it’s on the offensive! Kraken’s left tire comes off! Now it’s seriously falling behind, losing bits of metal. It can still move, but with its maneuverability compromised, it can’t get line up its clamper to use its only effective attack. Time runs out, and with it Kraken’s chances, as Sawblaze gets the expected yooner. Look, attitude is one thing, but when your bot depends one specific maneuver which THERE IS A RULE SPECIFICALLY IN PLACE TO LIMIT ITS EFFECTIVENESS, you’re not going to win very many fights.

Bloodsport (3-0) vs. Gruff (1-2)
Another test for an as-yet perfect competitor. In an unexpected twist, driver Justin Marple says that he expects to go to the judges on this one; Gruff is very durable so he’ll have to attack “more strategically”. Erm…how do I put this? Intelligent assessment of one’s opponent, good, going in with expectations, bad. The match begins… Oh. Damn. In the very first clash, one of Bloodsport’s blades breaks off. The announcers almost never discuss the issue of long-term durability even though it’s absolutely critical in any combat sport and may very well decide this tournament. Now reduced to…Ohhhhhhh. Daaaaaaaamn. The spinner has gone completely dead. Now Gruff can sidle up against it and roast it to a crisp all day. The spinner lurches to life, but far too slowly to give more than love taps. A drearily boring-slash-depressing garbage time later, Gruff…aw geez, now it’s having major drive issues, and we have another fight that comes down to which machine falls to pieces first. Bloodsport loses its wedgelets in the final seconds, which against any halfway-decent machine would spell doom, so it says something about how inept Gruff was overall that this one was a damn splitter. Derek-Gruff, Lisa-Bloodsport, and Jason…wait for it…Bloodsport.

Gods. This is a bad, bad defeat for Sam McAmus and Team Gruff. I was never big on fire bots (It looks cool but it isn’t very effective as a weapon…these things aren’t made of wood, y’know!), but for the love of Gundam, you got a huge advantage in the first ten seconds! If you can’t win that, what can you win? They’d seriously better do a major redesign with steadier control and stronger weaponry, or next season it’s only going to be more failure, more disappointment, more humiliation.

Fusion (2-1) vs. Tantrum (2-1)
I was completely unimpressed with these bots throughout prelims; neither has convinced me that it can beat a decent opponent. Somehow I don’t think this match is going to change that.

Fusion promptly loses control, losing track of its foe and gaining air, and Tantrum capitalized by getting right underneath it, which is the only way that center-mounted drum spinner can do any damage. Fusion’s vertical rollers have stopped and the triangle disk is bent. It’s looking bad…

And then…what the…Fusion backed on top of Tantrum, got stuck, and BURST INTO FLAMES! That was unbelievable! You couldn’t have scripted this, folks! You could have a hundred matches between these two and not have a more perfect moment! It was like something out of a cartoon! Tantrum drives all over but can’t relieve itself of its load. Regardless, the ref sees that Tantrum is moving and Fusion isn’t and thus begins the count. That’ll do it! Well, if nothing else, Tantrum can provide the occasional iconic slapstick moment, so what the heck, I say it earned its place here.

Another quick grilling of the judges where we learn that there are different criteria that go into determining a winner. Wow, there actually are close ones! Who knew! EVERYONE GROW THE HELL UP ALREADY!

Skorpios (2-1) vs. Witch Doctor (1-2)
Witch Doctor is one of several machines this tournament with a sterling history which it failed to live up to, and it doesn’t get any easier against a tenacious arm sawer. It’s an energetic start for WD, getting several good hits, including one which apparently stops Scorpios’ saw. Good, but you gotta build on that; that’s what overconfident drivers keep forgetting. Skorpios manages to pin WD in the corner and casually stick the inactive saw into WD’s drum. Zack Lyttle is clearly trying to disable that drum, a tactic which has proven surprisingly effective this season. Lots of jukes and jives and spins and turns. WD is getting the hits but not doing any real damage, while Skorpios is shoving WD all over the place. We’ve seen so many teams lose doing exactly what WD is doing right now; do they have anything else? Lyttle howls “Get back here! And stop running away!” It’s never a good sign anytime a driver freely admits to not being able to deal with the opponent’s strategy.

Oh, geez, looks like someone shouldn’t have left it in the hands of the judges! It’s a…yooner. Huh. And Witch Doctor prevails. Say what you will about the Galatelys’ runner-up (and geez, I haven’t seen a one-time second placer hyped up this much since Nancy Kerrigan), they took care of business in the first round, something a lot of supposedly superior or dominant bots didn’t. Even if they don’t go any further, they proved that they weren’t a .250 squad, and that deserves some kudos. Not a TON of kudos, but definitely SOME kudos. I got plenty, I can spare some.

[DKW]

All the pretenders have been sent packing. Soon to be followed by the semi-pretenders. The mountain only gets steeper from here!

TOURNAMENT SECOND ROUND 3/4/21

Sawblaze (3-1) vs. Witch Doctor (2-2)
Sawblaze pins WD against the rail and uses that saw. WD breaks free and gets a few shots in return. No visible damage just yet. Yeah, I’ve seen this story before, so I’ll just watch quietly for a bit. And…uh huh…yeah…mmm…I wonder where “serious” sits on Rose’s personal Damage-o-meter. Based on what I’m seeing, it should be maybe a fifth of the way up. And yep, looks like Sawblaze is going to win this. And yeah, Sawblaze, no doubt. We officially no longer have to hear tons of bleating about Witch Doctor being runner-up last season. Thank goodness…that one just reeked of hypocrisy.

Ribbot (3-1) vs. Uppercut (3-1)
Uppercut…wobbles back and forth in place. This allows Ribbot a free shot, which it uses to…get its left front wheel smashed off. Uppercut immediately follows by tearing the cosmetic top off and, oh look, there goes the right front wheel. Ribbot desperately tries to answer, getting that undercutter into something and…having no success whatsoever. They get forcibly separated by the “pulverizer”…and Uppercut takes off another bit of steel. It doesn’t matter how tough your machine is, you can only lose so many parts before you have nothing left! So…

Oh, come ON! Uppercut is disabled! It can only make right turns! Countdown, match over, Ribbot wins! Uppercut utterly dominated 100% of the fight, all the way, top to bottom, and then just freaking failed! One of the top favorites suffers a complete catastrophic meltdown at the absolute worst possible time!

Hahh…calm down…take it easy…perspective, perspective. They’re young. This was their debut. They put everything into offense and obviously didn’t realize how important reliability was. Rookie mistakes. We’ve all been there. No point beating them up over it. They’ll learn, they’ll adapt, and they’ll rebuild. Let’s all savor the good memories and eagerly anticipate their sophomore outing. All right? All right.

Bloodsport (4-0) vs. Tantrum (3-1)
Tantrum, after that embarrassing crapout against Valkyrie in its first match, has been slowly but steadily building its championship credentials. A few hits traded; minor damage. Then Tantrum nonchalantly smashes off both of Bloodsport’s wedglets, and remind me what the purpose of those is again? Tantrum chases Bloodsport all over, taking a few more glancing shots. Bloodsport’s self-righter gets caught beneath a “pulverizer” handle and gets bent out of shape. Resourceful, but that usually means…yep, Tantrum’s weapon is down. Bloodsport can still spin up but is getting pushed all over and stop me if you’ve heard this story before. Bloodsport loses a wheel. The spinner still works, but pretty much everything else is dented or off, and I’m not seeing how it did enough to win, though it’s probably a splitter in any case. It is: Lisa-Bloodsport, Derek-Tantrum, Jason-Tantrum, and boom goes another perfect season. I’ve reached the conclusion that a horizontal bar spinner can dominate if it can avoid big damage, but ones pieces start breaking and it gets harder to buy the time to spin up, the writing’s on the wall. It’s probably no surprise that Tombstone has so many high finishes but only one Giant Nut. Just doesn’t have the steel to go the distance.

Hydra (4-0) vs. Gigabyte (3-1)
Oof. This is a bad matchup for Gigabyte. The moment it lands at an angle and careens at freeway speed into the wall or screws, it’s over. Match begins, a few little hits, and…yep. Right into the wall. A second flip turns Gigabyte over; it self rights but takes another trip. Now it’s wobbly; FBS’s often have trouble settling down. Gigabyte is getting tossed around like a pancake and getting precious little done in response. Oh, oh, Hydra’s flipper gets stuck!..but by then the fight is nearly over. Decision goes to Hydra, of course, but it’s always a point of concern when a bot dominates that much and fails to get a stoppage, and Gigabyte was still fully functional at the end.

Black Dragon (3-1) vs. Tombstone (2-2)
They begin with a testing-out process, both taking small knocks to gauge the other’s power. Tombstone seems to be taking the worst of it, getting thrown around. It hits the screws…and the weapon has stopped! Permanently? Black Dragon’s spinner seems to be on zeroth gear as well. A pushing duel does not favor the lighter Tombstone, which quickly finds itself battered from the proverbial pillar to post. Past the two minute mark, and still no answers. Tombstone can do nothing but try to run away, with little success. Black Dragon takes a trivial yooner.

Man, this was not the year to start talking about Ray Billings. I was there for his unstoppable rampage in ’16, when he quite literally smashed his opponents to pieces. It looked like he had the perfect formula: No cosmetics, no superfluous parts, no fluff. Every inch of Tombstone was dedicated to either delivering pain or getting away from it. And for a while, that was enough, that was all he needed. But then one opponent figured out its limitations. And another. And another. Tombstone was still formidable but no longer the favorite to win it all. Billings made adjustments. They were inadequate. He studied the opponents who bested him. It didn’t help. The losses started creeping up. All of which leads to the latest season (it’s technically ’20, right?), which he leaves with a losing record for the first time in…gosh, I think this is the first time. Where does he go from here? Can he at least climb back to .500 in ’21? Big questions that’ll be dogging him for the next few months.

Whiplash (3-1) vs. Valkyrie (3-1)
Hot dang, a prelims rematch. Wasn’t sure if we’d have one. Whiplash is sticking with its winning strategy of moving around Valkyrie a bit so it gets its blade caught in stuff and continually knock itself around, and goly-gee-whiz-shucky-darn if it isn’t working to perfection. It’s…it’s so sad watching a bot be this helpless. The blade inevitably craps out, allowing Whiplash to casually lift it over the screws. They reverse, but talk about insult to injury. Completely one-sided romp for Whiplash. A lifter just made it to the final day. Some things just defy explanation.

Mammoth (2-1) vs. Shatter (3-1)
Not sure how to call this…we’re in “Gonzaga deep run” territory here. Mammoth starts things of by punting Shatter away. Shatter responds by aiming a precision weapon with a tiny contact point and tons of recoil against a bot made entirely out of narrow pipes with plenty of empty space between them. And… If I wasn’t groaning before, I sure as hell am now. Hold on… “Mammoth just lost its weapon chain!” Indeed it has. You know what’s happening now; Mammoth smothers and lunges and lurches to keep Shatter from breathing for a second, which works like a charm! A CHARM, I tells ya! A hit to the engine compartment leaves a nasty dent! And two more shots which probably would give Mammoth a cold if only robots had respiratory systems! Ricky Willems decries “Oh he is HARD to PUSH!” and I swear this guy has a notebook of things to whine about. Oh, geez, will you look at that, Shatter’s hammer isn’t working anymore. Decisive kills are like gold in the tournament. The clock runs out, and someone on Team Shatter helpfully points out “The wheel came off!”, y’know, because you can’t trust the judges to notice something incredibly obvious like that. (Seriously, not even a little respect?) And of course, it’s a damned splitter. Jason-Mammoth, Lisa-Shatter, Derek-Shatter. Good call. Shatter may have been clumsy (a common problem with hammerers), but it did the damage, and last I checked that’s supposed to count for more than anything. Adam Wrigley celebrates way more than he should.

Black Dragon is still jubilant over their win over Tombstone, and in true reality TV fashion, the roving reporter loudly demands that they dance. Two steps forward, one step back.

Rotator (2-2) vs. End Game (3-1)
Victor Soto considers End Game the last bot that can keep him from the Giant Nut, and as always, it’s a fine line between respect and hubris. In the beginning he has a little trouble steering, allowing End Game to get the first few hits…and already Rotator is missing bits. I didn’t mention it before, but End Game’s spinner is powerful. One wedglet down. A couple weppers, which might actually be Rotator’s best chance. And End Game’s weapon stopped! NOW, the question is, is Rotator powerful enough to capitalize and make up for the damage it already took? End Game is testing the saw, even getting it inverted, but it’s taking a hefty beating and starting to lose mobility. And now Rotator’s blade has stopped. So now they’re even on the weapon front, and End Game is the stronger pusher, and Rotator still has lost more chunks. You can see the writing on the wall. It’s close, but End Game is clearly winning the pounding duel. And that’s how it ends. Just a reminder that DAMAGE, not simply having the weapon working longer, is what sways the judges, and other than the stopped weapon I’m not seeing anything other than scratches on End Game. Splitter, Lisa-End Game, Jason-Rotator, Derek-End Game. Honestly, I don’t think it was that close. Look at it objectively and “some things” beat “fewer things”.

And then there were eight. Shatter doesn’t have more than a one-armed puncher’s chance, Whiplash is dead bot walking, and Sawblaze…sorry, no, but I can see any of the other five taking it. Before you’d see a Bite Force make it to the quarters and say, that’s it, give it the Nut now, no one’s beating it. This field is a lot wider open, and it might very well come down to the bot that avoids getting banged up the longest. It’s going to be a fun final day! For somebody!

[BrickBat]

Thanks again DKW for the concise blow-by-blow accounts. They were exciting to read as I tried to visualize the action and the overtones ( or undertones? ) of the owner’s/operator’s abilities, inabilities and various machinations. Other than in the final eliminations, I never knew the choosing of match-ups was so, well…politic-ky.

[bobsmom101]

A recent episode “Bounty Hunters” series (I think it’s on Discovery+) features Beta as the “bounty.” Makes me wonder who the Brits had to bribe for that honor?

DKW, I await your analysis!

[DKW]

Brickbat - I have no idea how much politics are involved, but when you see the likes of Sporkinok, Sharkoprion, or Pain Train repeatedly matched up against opponents that won’t completely rip them to pieces, you have to think that there must be at least some motivation to protect them and, more critically, their teams. More than any other reality show, Battlebots needs highly disciplined, hard-working, dedicated technicians who’ll give it their all season after season. American Ninja Warrior constantly has thousands of hopefuls champing at the bit, so losing a strong contender or even a top star (coughDrewDreschelcough) doesn’t hurt it, and the other shows only need to gather a few random people willing to sing or dance or lift weights or whatever, with the only real prerequisite being not minding having a camera pointed at them. With Battlebots, there are only a few dedicated competitors with the technical know-how to build a fighting machine and the resources to keep it functional, much less have all the spare parts and backups and different configurations. Maybe if the producers were really pressed they could find a hundred bright-eyed David Eaton types willing to toss in any old clunker just to live out their childhood dreams, but the results would be pretty dismal. This show is just doing its darndest to prevent the second tier from getting its hopes crushed and leaving in a huff, and unless this really takes off, which is highly doubtful, that’s not going to change.

Bobsmom101 - Oh, I’m doing Bounty Hunters, don’t you worry. (Discovery started airing episodes right after finishing the season, so I didn’t have to make any special effort here.) Probably won’t have as much to say since it’s almost entirely established names, but should be fairly intriguing nonetheless.

Oh-kay, what do we have left? I can’t say. Every established big name, including everyone who won the Giant Nut or came in second in the past, is out. The eight quarterfinallists are a mixture of new blood and never-weres getting their first crack. A corner is about to be turned, a new chapter is about to be written. A fresh new champion? Absolutely. A deserving champion? Fingers still crossed on that.

FINAL DAY 3/11/21

Ribbot (4-1) vs. Black Dragon (4-1)
Both machines are now sporting vertical spinners; this is almost certainly going to be a test of toughness. Black Dragon takes the early initiative, doing damage, doing more damage, knocking the cosmetic top off, and…doing more damage. Ribbot, true to form, looks completely in over its now-removed head, when…yep…JEEZIZ… The last wepper disabled Black Dragon’s spinner…it’s smoking badly…and now it has caught fire. How many times?? HOW MANY FREAKING TIMES??? And guess what, Ribbot can still move and its weapon still works! Now not only did David Chin just have the win handed to him on a platter, believe it or not, he has a choice: Go for the quick kill by taking out Black Dragon’s wheels or run like hell until Black Dragon’s internal components get reduced to abstract art. Ribbot is briefly on the screws but escapes and makes a run for it. Black Dragon hounds it and shoves it against the wall. Ooh, “pulverizer” barely missed. Past the halfway mark, and Chin is on the run again. Ribbot’s spinner still works but is looking lethargic. Black Dragon gets under Ribbot and takes it for another ride. And…and…

Is this really happening? Black Dragon is not slowing down! Just so you know, those are real flames burning out of control in the left front of the machine! The driver looks calm as he presses the attack. Meanwhile Ribbot is doing nothing but running around and taking hit after hit. The fire intensifies! And…and…BLACK DRAGON IS STILL FULLY FUNCTIONAL! Believe me when I say that this has never happened before! Fifteen seconds left! This one is going to the judges! Ribbot is still getting hammered, and right now its spinner couldn’t open a soda bottle. Aaaaaaand, scene! Once a crewman cools off Black Dragon, it’s time for the judges to make it official: Black Dragon has the most unexpected, insane, magical yooner you will ever see.

Man, this has got to be a colossal gut punch for David Chin. His strategy could be summed up as “Take the shots, survive, and watch the opponent blow up and beat itself.” Crude, dirty, disgusting, and worked to absolute perfection…UNTIL NOW. Losing is hard enough, but this was a case of a bot trying to self-destruct and failing. How the hell does that even happen? Two minutes and four seconds. That’s how long it was burning.

Shatter (4-1) vs. End Game (4-1)
End Game starts things off by shoving Shatter’s side against the wall, getting a good shot to its underbelly. Shatter pushes back. End Game is against the wall…BAM!..minor damage. And a miss. Look, it’s pretty simple…if your opponent has a weapon that can deliver lots of little hits in a short amount of time, and your weapon takes a long time to deliver a single hit, that hit better be a lot more than what your opponent is dishing out. And Shatter just got flipped against a wall. Oh, that’s another thing, ever flip risks damaging something on that long, thin hammer arm and rendering it useless. End Game pushes Shatter back by the hammer side. Shatter turns around…sizes up another shop…BAM!..and Shatter’s hammer head just flew off. Even more evidence that a hammer against a vertical disk spinner has a certain tactical disadvaHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, but these moments are just too precious. Shatter hangs on for a few more seconds but eventually finds itself helpless in the corner, flailing its useless hammer arm around. Almost sad, really.

Tantrum (4-1) vs. Sawblaze (4-1)
This is a very tough matchup for both machines and promises to be a complete slugfest. In fact, Sawblaze’s driver Jameson Go actually said that he’s aiming for a judges’ decision, as Tantrum is simply too tough to kill. I’m not going to trivialize the importance of the judges, but to openly admit that his machine lacks power and to give up hope of a stoppage before the fight even begins sounds pretty damning.

Tantrum’s small, mobile spinner is designed for quick hits, and it harasses Sawblaze all over the arena, which struggles to find a response. Was that smoke I saw from Sawblaze? It’s not taking any visible damage, but Tantrum gets to dictate the whole fight, it won’t matter. Sawblaze gets upended! And again! It rights both times, but now it’s missing some steel! And then…Sawblaze turns it around! It’s pushing Tantrum…for about ten seconds, which is all that’s left in the match. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t; Tantrum gets the obvious yooner.

No surprise that Sawblaze didn’t win it all…after getting blasted by Uppercut and taking what seemed like an hour to put away Rusty, it was plainly obvious that this was not a contender in any way, shape, or form…but this still has to be a frustrating loss for Jameson Go. Unless he can find a way to use that saw against opponents that can actually move, his struggles are only going to continue.

Hydra (5-0) vs. Whiplash (4-1)
You never know what to expect from Whiplash; now it’s sporting a saw arm. In contrast, you always know what to expect from Hydra; not very exciting, but you can’t argue with success. Tentative maneuvering at the start. Whiplash sort of tips Hydra over, and Jason Vasquez celebrates like he just got an invitation to the Masters. Whiplash continues its shoving attack. Hydra gets its first flip which barely clears two feet. Two more flips miss. Hydra knocks it into the wall, and that flipped it harder than its flipper is right now. A flip…and another bunny hop. It’s a bit stunning to see a quarterfinal match where neither bot can assert itself at all. Another little flip. More love taps. Two minutes in, both bots have little more than scratches. And…geez…almost nothing happens the rest of the way.

It goes to the judges, and…folks, THIS is the hard one. I completely fail to see how either machine won this. Splitter, of course. Lisa-Hydra, Derek-Whiplash, Jason…sure, milk this one, Tauheed, why don’t you …Whiplash. In the victory interview with Vasquez, Rose reveals that the scores…geez, when does he ever reveal the scores…were 6-5 across the board. It literally could not have been any closer.

Ehhhhhh…you know how occasionally there’s this one team that wins either a total either-or coin flip or a monkey wrench flukefest in the first round of the playoffs, and it goes on to win the championship, and everyone’s like, one teeny little bounce goes the other way and they would’ve been trashed in the first round? That…doesn’t happen in Battlebots. Nobody wins the Giant Nut on rolls of the dice; the harsh justice of kill-or-be-killed simply doesn’t allow it. I think Hydra might have had a slightly better chance in the semis (“don’t get beaten up” will never not be a sound strategy), but there was effectively zero chance of it fifty-percent-plus-one-ing its way to the top.

On to semis!

Tantrum (5-1) vs. End Game (5-1)
Tantrum begins by getting End Game’s side and shoving it against the wall. End Game’s looking a bit off balance, and you’re not beating the tenacious Tantrum like that. Another shove against the wall. Tantrum is in control! Tantrum is completely dominating the early stages of this fight! Tantrum is…smoking. Florian spells it out: the weapon motor is burnt out. Tantrum still has the edge in mobility…until End Game gets under it and delivers a flurry of shots, taking out the left fork in the process. Beginning of the end. Tantrum briefly pushes End Game into the screws, but End Game launches another barrage. Tantrum is slowing down. Then…BAM…and it’s lights out. Tantrum’s self-righter is completely dead, and that’ll do it. That vertical spinner is powerful!

I’ll admit, it was fun watching Tantrum baffle its foes, dancing and jabbing and ducking and pouncing, and winning on maneuverability instead of brute force. But we’ve now seen that while it may be entertaining, it’s tough to win a Giant Nut that way. If your machine cannot end it quickly, if nearly every match is going to be a long haul, it’s going to place a lot of stress on all those parts, and at some point something is going to give out.

Black Dragon (5-1) vs. Whiplash (5-1)
Yeesh, I do not envy Team Black Dragon, who have absolutely no time to celebrate their spectacular win over Ribbot and have to hurry to get their bot into some semblance of fighting trim. Meanwhile the road just keeps getting steeper for Whiplash, having barely outlasted a flipping master only to run into a destroyer. For a few seconds their deadlocked, neither weapon able to make contact, then…oh. Whiplash draws first blood, knocking off a wedgelet. Then a wall slam which inverts Black Dragon, and more hits. Haven’t seen this kind of offensive from Whiplash in a while! The saw eventually stops spinning, but it’s completely dominated up to this point; what comeback could Black Dragon possibly have? Mmm…nope, nothing. Black Dragon’s spinner is dead, and all Whiplash has to do now is keep the pressure on, which it does with ease. Black Dragon meekly gets handled for a while, and…oh, wow. Whiplash places Black Dragon against the wall up on its edge, and now it’s stuck with no way to get its wheels back on the floor! Don’t design your bot like this, geez! Whiplash’s driver Manny Vasquez is, ahem, “kind” enough to disrespect Black Dragon and put it back down, but that’s only delaying the inevitable. One final screw-dump buts a bow on it. One-sided yooner for Whiplash. Looks like Black Dragon just didn’t have anything left. I don’t remember seeing it so helpless.

Before I get to the final match, a quick look at the two finallists’ chances:

-End Game- Beat: Tombstone, Hypershock, Perfect Phoenix, Rotator, Shatter, Tantrum / Lost to: Bloodsport
Other than that one early loss to reliability issues (which they seem to have completely fixed), it’s been a romp for the Kiwi crusher. There was always a risk that the hangover from the spectacular win over Tombstone would doom them, but they built on that success and proceeded to smash everything in their path. This bot is so powerful that even after the bad luck of losing the weapon early to Rotator, it won a convincing decision which I thought should have been unanimous. It hasn’t lost a step since and looks to be completely dialed in, fired up, and ready to seal the deal.

-Whiplash- Beat: Gruff, Valkyrie (2x), Huge, Hydra, Black Dragon / Lost to: Sawblaze
Ummmmmmm…nice color scheme?

===CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH=== End Game (6-1) vs. Whiplash (6-1)
Lots of running around from Whiplash to start. Nothing happens for a while. Then a wepper…and Whiplash’s mobile arm is pointed uselessly skyward, allowing End Game several shots at its unprotected carriage. It rights the ship…and…the saw is no longer working. Boy, you’d hope it’d put up some kind of a fight. But wait, Manny Vasquez refuses to give up! He’s still circling! He’s waiting for the moment to pounce! He…[BAM] Aaaaaand Whiplash is over the rail and helpless good night drive home safely.

Yeah, whaddya expect. Nothing about Whiplash ever said “Giant Nut winner” to me. The team did a great job making adjustments and winning with a lot of smoke and mirrors (which is a perfectly legitimate way to win here!), but at some point it needs a real edge, a big gun, an ace in the hole. Otherwise it’s like those NFC champions that were there only because they couldn’t just give the Lombardi Trophy to the Patriots.

Team End Game has done it! After the hegemony of Paul Ventemelia and Bite Force, another vertical disk spinner has become the king-bot of bot-kings. It would seem that this has become the killer weapon of Battlebots…compact, sturdy, dependable, and incredibly destructive…and it’s going to be damn hard to beat.

Closing thoughts? More than anything, I’ve come to the realization that this is one of those things that to truly appreciate it, you have to enjoy it for what it is. There are going to be goofy or outright useless designs. There are going to be inept drivers. There’s going to be failure and misery and regret and lots of painful learning processes. And somewhere along the way, Chris Rose and Kenny Florian are going to say something really stupid (still better than Eyes and Bodge, though! ). Don’t worry, don’t pick it to death. Thrill to the flying metal, the furious flames, the crushing romps and spectacular comebacks, the quirky matchups and dream fights. Keep your eyes and mind open and you’ll never miss out on the fun.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

And fun it is! One thing especially I appreciate about the show is how relatively unscripted it is. Sure, you’ve got the set structure and hoopla leading up to each match, but once the lights flash GO it’s three minutes of skill, bravado, chance, wham-bam excitement, and “Holy crap, I didn’t see that coming!”

[BrickBat]

I never knew that big “house” hammer in the corner could be controlled by the BB contestants. I had believed it was just random.

How are those kill saws from the floor controlled? Is there a logic to the control?

[Spoons]

I figured that somebody (I had no idea who) was controlling the hammer and the saws.

That being said, I’m not keen on having them. Nor am I fond of the screws. If it’s supposed to be two robots fighting, then it should be two robots fighting, without anything else affecting the fight. But that’s just my opinion; YMMV. I still enjoy Battlebots anyway.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

My impression is that the floor saws are randomly triggered and for sure they don’t start popping up until about halfway through the match.

[DKW]

As promised! Bounty Hunters is an original side-series that originally aired on Discovery Plus (I don’t care enough about television to pay for a premium service, so that’s all I can tell you), then re-aired on the normal Discovery channel. That would put the timeline…before or after the season? Unfortunately, when all context gets meticulously edited out, a craft reality show producers are most certainly masters of, it’s hard to say anything definitively.

Anyhow, here’s how Bounty Hunters works. One bot that’s been around for a long time and may or may not still be any good, even though Rose and Florian obligingly gush endlessly about in any case, is selected as the “bounty”. Eight others compete in a single-elimination contest (no idea how seeding works here, so don’t ask), with the winner becoming the “bounty hunter”. Then the bounty and bounty hunter meet for a single match for “the lion’s share of a $25,000 purse”. Their words, most definitely not mine. Refusing to reveal the actual numbers has always been one of the annoying habits of these kind of shows; we’re just going to have to deal with it. All the episodes are strictly one-offs, so it really doesn’t matter the order you catch them.

All righty…thanks to Discovery doing this awkward same-day in media res duplication thing for the first few eps, I accidentally deleted the first half of the first episode, meaning that I’m going to have to catch it on VOD. While it’s fantastic to have this recourse, there are two distinct disadvantages to not having the actual recording: 1. I have to take the time to enter the title and load it, 2. if I leave it paused for too long, it automatically quits and I have to look it up again and find my place. Something of a commitment, meaning that I have to pick the right time to watch it, which is why I wasn’t able to get this out until today. Anyway.

BOUNTY HUNTERS - BRONCO 3/25/21

Bronco is one of the first and most successful flippers, and, judging from the introductory highlights, highly effective. In the bracket are eight bots that have also been around for a long time, at least two of which might have the prayer of winning. Okay, we’re all familiar with them after the recent tournament, so let’s just go:

++ First round ++

Atom #94 vs. Madcatter
Atom #94 is sporting a dual-edge drum spinner, while Madcatter has a single vertical spinner. If this is after the ’20 season, they’ve definitely learned some things. Atom #94 loses a part early and is soon completely dead, allowing Martin Mason to deliver some completely unnecessary extra blows. I don’t know why, but Atom #94 just gives out way too easily, and tonight it proved that it didn’t belong here at all.

Chomp vs. Bale Spear
Yeesh. Matchmakers…guys…I can understand why you’d want to match that against that, but you do realize that the winner needs to CONTINUE, yes? It’s not like in the old UFC where a fighter can beat one guy and say “eh, that’s enough” and it’s not a problem because they have two alternates. Also, I continue to seriously question the effectiveness of little pointy weapons against targets made of steel. Unless it can get serious force behind it and get solid impacts, it’s going to do little more than leave scratches.

Chomp gets the first blow, which does negligible damage. Bale Spear pushes Chomp around. Chomp fires away, getting one hit which more or less just glances off. (See my comments on Captain Shrederator vs. Shatter in post #27). Bale Spear, which has yet to display evidence of any “weapons”, casually shoves Chomp into the corner, and could someone KINDLY explain to me how a 500-pound machine is getting shoved all over the Battlebox? Like, what is even the point of this clunker’s existence? Chomp tries to answer with some furious flames…which…roast itself, absolutely nothing even singing Bale Spear. Haaaahhhhhhh… Undaunted, it continues swinging away with that hammer, which promptly gets stuck. And…Chomp…develops major mechanical problems …and…stops…moving. On its own. Completely undamaged by Bale Spear. I feel that I need a ##, a la Sm#e#, to properly illustrate the sheer level of exasperation of a Chomp match.

In the postmortem, Florian praises Bale Spear’s “top armor”, while Rose speculates that one of Bale Spear’s attacks that I completely failed to see at all damaged Chomp’s flamethrower. Being a good soldier is a truly thankless job sometimes.

Highlights of the ’18 match between Bronco and Duck, a bot which never had any weapons and whose entire strategy was basically “take the hits wait for the other bot to kill itself”. Which is about the worst possible strategy to take against Bronco, which can fire at will all day without a hitch, and it doesn’t matter how tough your bot is once it’s stranded helplessly outside the box. Which was the sadly predictable fate of the metal mallard, taken for a long ride before being sent spinning to its doom.

Rotator vs. Axolotl
The good money is on Rotator. As is the decent money, the mediocre money, and the at-least-it’s-trying money. They juke around a bit before the first big hit…which knocks multiple belts off of Axolotl and stops its weapon. Its driver stammers “Waiting for drive, waiting for drive”, which does not help matters in the slightest. Axolotl continues to charge fearlessly in, at least until it comes to a stop. “Stop”, not coincidentally, also being the thing I want this Bounty Hunters to…three matches of eight in, I remind you…make it.

Highlights from Broncos’ brutal…’19?..season. It’s handlers are thinking of retirement. The bounty is a “pride thing”, but they’re full resigned to the possibility that they’re going to go out on their backs. It’s great to see this kind of maturity after being subjected to the likes of Martin Mason, and it’ll be a sad day when they finally go.

Sharko vs. Captain Shrederator
The shark bot’s new owner, being more of a no-frills guy, did away with the “prion”. We’ll see if changing its name changes its luck. They circle around a bit. CS nails Sharko in the lower jaw, knocking it back a bit. Then a big head-on collision which sends both flying back. CS moves back in, and Sharko…uh oh. Spinning around in circles, meaning that it’s drive has been banged up. CS goes for the tail and…yow…knocks off a big chunk of it, and that’s officially the beginning of the end. The end of the end comes quickly afterward, Sharko losing all movement in seconds.

REMAINDER OF EPISODE POWER RANKINGS

1. The actually good one - Madcatter
2. Honorable bridesmaid - Rotator
3. Living on borrowed time - Captain Shrederator
4. Cannon fodder - Bale Spear
5. Shmuck that only has to fight once and is still going to get slaughtered - Bronco

++ Semis ++

Rotator vs. Captain Shrederator
No subtle strategy here; this one’s an all-out slugfest with the bots dealing shot after shot. Neither is taking much damage, but CS has the better offensive, knocking around and even flipping Rotator. With slightly over a minute to go, it looks like Victor Soto is running out of…CS is smoking. Here we go. And now it’s stopped spinning, merely rotating weakly. It looked like CS simply ran out of juice. Meanwhile Rotator’s weapon continues running full blast, and it scores hit after hit. Yow. Had CS manage to keep it up for the full three minutes, it’d have an easy decision, but being on the receiving end for that long definitely cost it some points. Ultimately, it’s a pretty predictable yooner for Rotator.

Madcatter vs. Bale Spear
The “fight”: BAM BAM CRUCH BAM WHAM TENIESESIFIFFOTETU ONE ARE YOU SURE SM#E# WASN’T AVAILABLE?

++ Final ++

Madcatter vs. Rotator
Plenty of shots traded. Madcatter is…having weapon issues? Oh dear, maybe it really wasn’t built to make it through a whole tournament. Rotator is still humming and presses its advantage. A countdown for Madcatter! It manages to get moving again, but it looks like it can only make left turns. The count quickly starts again, and ends. Works for me. I like watching Madcatter and its configurations, but I cannot stand to listen to Martin Mason for an entire evening.

++ Bounty ++

Rotator vs. Bronco
Bronco presents its heavily-protected back wedge, inviting a shot. Rotator obliges and gets sent spinning, cutting into the floor. If Bronco can keep this up for 150 more seconds, it has this in the bag! Rotator recovers and delivers to solid cuts to Bronco’s front and rear. Then it rides up the front wedge and appears to get a piece of the arm. Bronco fires and…immediately gets stuck! It listlessly drops back into place, whereupon Bronco’s driver says “Oh, our pin is out.” Rotator’s saw knocked a vital part of the launch mechanism out of alignment, and now it’s completely dead. Let’s be perfectly clear, Bronco’s chances were slim and none no matter what, but that lucky shot just got slim deported. Rotator struggles to do any real damage, only managing to get part of a side panel and a lot of marks here and there, but it’s more than enough. For some reason the announcers refuse to ever, ever, ever shut up about the Beta match, this despite Rotator already winning a decision against Madcatter. Geez. On the plus side, I now know for certain that this is after the ’20 season. It makes no difference, as Rotator claims a second yooner.

Justice is served: 25 grand-ish to Rotator, and Team Bronco now has to ask some hard questions. Mason’s previous drivel about dinosaurs going extinct turned out to be true, it just wasn’t him doing the extinctifying. Extinctation. Whatever.

That ended well! Much more to come, of course.