CHAMPIONS - FINAL DAY
The past five weeks were about separating the men from the boys. Today we separate the best men from the…highly disappointed men. Yeah. Both excited and ambivalent about what’s going to happen tonight.
++ First round ++
Ribbot vs. End Game
End Game is a very sturdy, very stable box with a very powerful spinner that wins a very high percentage of the time. That’s pretty much all you need to know.
In a bit of…gamesmanship?..Ribbot is going with the undercutter for this match when everyone was expecting (for some reason) the vertical spinner. In response, End Game’s driver deliberately breaks off the front forks before the match even begins. Making adjustments is fine, but spotting the opponent at least a point on the judges’ cards strikes me as dubious.
After a bit of sizing up, Ribbot decides to rush right in and is rewarded by (STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS BEFORE 
) getting its cosmetic top knocked clean off. It’s also sent spinning skyward and tumbles around on the floor. The action quickly spills to the left short corner, where EG viciously chews away at its hapless foe. Then the clown hammer, and any time it’s that effective you know this one’s over as a contest. A coup de grace to the right rear puts this to bed.
Ribbot is a much better than you’d expect a machine that looks like a cute animal to, but let’s face it, it’s never going to win anything meaningful. Put in a bracket, where the competition keeps getting tougher, and it inevitably finds itself in over its head. Or in apart from its head, as the case may be.
Rose: “Did it tick you off when they came out in shades, thus blatantly mocking you?” Jack Barker: “Well, the last time they pulled that crap we wiped the floor with them, so it doesn’t bother us.” 
Awesome. And, ouch.
Skorpios vs. Hypershock
Dear lord. Zack Lytle sounds downright scared. It’s as if he knew he got here with smoke and mirrors (fifty-percent-plus-one over Bloodsport, you’ll recall) and has absolutely no prayer against the newly hulkified Hypershock. The match, sadly, never even reached the level of the slaughter I was expecting; Hypershock knocked Scorpios around a couple times before sending it flying into the better-luck-next-time box. Rose cries “It’s over! It’s over!” before Scorpios has even landed, and it’s truly reassuring to find that there’s no horse race narrative garbage on this show. 
“Bouncer”. That’s actually a not-bad comparison.
Witch Doctor vs. Glitch
Throughout the night Rose and Florian never let us forget about how 1. The Gellatlys have two 2nds and no 1st 2. and are really ticked about it. Of course they have a Bounty Hunters (there’s actually an award for that, a medal thing), and prior to that a Giant Bolt (There’s an untelevised ceremony for giving out various non-The Championship awards every season, something I’ve been railing for Dancing With The Stars to have since forever, incidentally.), but they know that they’ll never be considered the elite without the big prize. There’s an old saying that nobody remembers who finishes second, but the truth is, we do remember; the problem is that we never let them forget. Notice how there’s a lot of hype for the Buffalo Bills right now and it seems that a great many people are hoping beyond hope that this is the year? There’s a reason for that urgency. The Jacksonville Jaguars are an ignored irrelevance. The Bills are a national laughingstock. The Cleveland Browns went 1-15 and 0-16 in consecutive seasons; everyone had a good laugh and got on with their lives. Freaking sitcoms were throwing shade on the Bills years after their last Super Bowl. It is infinitely worse to be always second than always in the cellar. Add to the fact that there are no conference championships in reality TV, so they can’t even put up that banner. I was pretty hard on this couple the last time, but I definitely don’t envy them now.
Glitch’s seven wins to date: Ghost Raptor, Hydra, Kraken, Gruff, Retrograde, Uppercut, Rotator. That includes one completely undeserved gift and two coin-flip decisions, and I never got the impression that it’s as good as its record. We all know that it has a powerful weapon and is agile (maybe a bit too agile, as we saw in the Gruff match), but does it have the staying power to make it to the end of the bracket?
And man, did you think the producers are eager for this one or what? WD, you’ll recall, was the opponent it was supposed to face in the first round of last year’s tournament, but pulled out due to never-specified mechanical issues. WD ended up scoring a very easy stoppage over Mammoth, which led to grumbling on Facebook that it’s next opponent would be “a trash can lid” (which I thought was incredibly insulting to Team Copperhead, but that’s a separate issue) and generally cast a pall over WD’s entire season. Now there’s no more running, no more excuses. We’re going to see who’s the chump and who’s the…at least one better than chump. 
(Hey, I don’t make the rules.)
The Gellatlys finally caved and put two tiny forks on the front of WD. Meanwhile, Glitch is going forkless. Keep that in mind as it’ll make the match less confusing.
Cautious approach. Both bots keep their distance. Maneuvering. More maneuvering. The crowd is getting antsy at the lack of action, not approaching the level of booing (See? It is possible!), but the excitement has definitely dimmed. Mike Gellatly has seen what happens to drivers who get impatient with Glitch and try to force the issue, and he adamantly refuses to play the fool. Actually, the ideal strategy seems pretty clear to me: Make lots of unpredictable movements so their driver has a hard time keying in on you, and as soon as he guesses wrong or loses control, attack. WD grazes by Glitch’s front, maneuvers some more, and gets briefly caught in a floor slot. 45 seconds have gone by without any engagement. WD briefly has its back turned dangerously close but scoots away. Suddenly, there it is! Glitch leaves its left side open, and WD strikes, drawing a lot of sparks. It’s driving ahead but is halted when it trips over a floor slot. 
(Seriously, these teams seriously need to start looking at alternatives to floor-scraping forks.) Glitch looks squirrelly in the corner but recovers before WD can press the attack. More circling, more slot canoodling. Suddenly Glitch stops for no reason, and WD punishes its laziness with a shot to the right which knocks it into a screw. It doesn’t look damaged but is losing control…and it’s stopped! And WD goes for its right…AND HAS ITS BACK! AND…just kinda pushes it; too low-set to do more. But then WD knocks it over the screw! It lands on its feet but…is it dead? It looks that way, but the ref, clearly remembering the Minotaur match (don’t you? 
), decides he’s going to take his good, sweet time starting the count. Moment of truth! Can Mike Gellatly swallow his pride, accept the reality of the situation, and finish the damn job this time, or is he…ram from behind, then another, and one final blast over the screw. And the ref has finally seen enough.
Shot of Mike behind the controls, clearly exasperated as to how much work he had to do but deciding to fume quietly and not raise a stink over it. Folks, I’ll say it: This was the night he finally grew up and joined the real world. He was up against a fan favorite riding a white-hot streak, one which would get hideous favoritism from the refs, and he’d have to kill it three times over before it would count, and it was grossly unfair and an absolute mockery of the game and that’s just how it was and how it’s always going to be and he just has to freaking accept it. Congrats, big guy. You are now officially a Battlebots driver. 
As for Team Glitch, they got a heaping dose of reality as well. They’re young, so time will tell how they react to defeat.
Tombstone vs. Tantrum
Tombstone completely took apart the then-scrappy rookie in ’18, and man, have these two machines gone in completely different directions since. Tantrum made it all the way to semis in ’20 before losing to eventual Giant Nutter End Game, then claimed the ultimate trophy the following the season. In the same span Tombstone took a bounty (over Gruff) and was a thoroughly lackluster 4-5 the rest of the way. I compared Ray Billings to Mike Tyson, but he’s really more the Bob Knight of Battlebots, in that something worked perfectly for him a long time ago, and he refuses to ever give it up even as his results get worse and worse. Tombstone has been figured out. Against any opponent that does not succumb easily to charge ‘n smash, it’s almost helpless. And now, as a past champion, it got tossed right into the fire against the most lethal giant killer in the game today. Florian, of course, dances around the issue, giving the usual weaselly stuff about “questions are being asked” and “fans are starting to doubt”, but there’s zero doubt in my mind that the crown has already been well and truly passed, and this match is just going to put a framed photo on it.
Ray Billings admonished everyone not to underestimate it. Ray, to underestimate your machine would require it to still be good in the first place, which it very clearly is not. 
He reportedly tried to put more power into the weapon and also make the blade sharper to “cut directly into the armor of Tantrum”. Oh boy.
Tantrum uncharacteristically rushes straight in and pulls to a halt. Tombstone makes light contact, then again. Then a less-light shot which sends both of them spinning away. Tombstone catches a blade in the floor and gets knocked to the wall. It recovers and flees to the short corner, chased by its opponent. Another small hit, and a couple more; some sparks but not much damage. Apparently the strategy is to take the hits but make them as small as possible to throw Tombstone out of whack. Well, THAT…is working like a charm! 
Tombstone gets unbalanced again and goes completely out of control in the corner! The blade cuts into the floor, then a wall, then the floor again, not even sending a breeze to its opponent! Look, it’s pretty simple…if the body is designed to control X amount of power, and you increase the power to X+1, or X+5, or X+88, whatever, without changing the body, it’s going to make the whole bot way harder to corral. Tombstone finally gets settled down, but it’s vibrating badly…and is now starting to smoke. Ref warning. Tantrum does a little pushing for control bragging rights or whatever, then backs off. Tombstone’s left wheel has gone down. Count. Over. Oh geez…after Duck’s utter demolition by Riptide killed break-fist-face as a viable strategy for good, Tantrum tweaks it a bit and…after scoring precisely zero weapon hits on Tombstone…it works like a charm.
Ginger Schmidt sounds like a good person to know. 
Man, seeing Billings struggle to put a good face on tells the whole story. Seriously, how much more of this can he take? He’s stated in no uncertain terms that he wants to get another trophy; now that it’s clear that this is never happening, what does he have left to fight for? He’ll stick around, of course, but at this point it looks like there are only two ways his career can end, a catastrophic collapse or an indefinite continuation of the slow burn. I’m not looking forward to either.
Hey, did someone say something about horizontal spinners being dead? Granted, as long as bots like Overhaul are in this, they’ll always have winnable matches, but it looks like their time at the top really is over.
++ Semis ++
Witch Doctor vs. Hypershock
Lots of counterclockwise circling to begin. Both have powerful weapons and are not just going to charge in. WD stops running and is rewarded with a wepper which sends it airborne. WD attacks Hypershock’s front corners; that, combined with Hypershock’s own weapon, flips it over. Hypershock goes to the wall and WD strikes hard, taking off its right rear tire…and getting it wedged between its own spinner and righter! Hypershock is compromised but not out, while WD can’t get its weapon going. The righter flaps several times trying to get the tire free, to no avail. Will Bales struggles for controlled movement with three tires, while Mike Gellatly does whatever he can to free his spinner. Hypershock inverts itself, and there’s a head-on collision which doesn’t do much. Then Hypershock does this amazing wheels-on-edge move to flip itself over…no mean feat with just three tires! Hypershock smokes a bit. It knocks WD over, and that finally knocks the tire free. 1:30 to go. More circling. WD tries to find the angle…and can’t, Hypershock wepper, WD sent flying back. If it can keep this up for just one more minute… Less than a minute to go, and another head-on collision which takes off part of WD’s righter. Hypershock…loses control and inverts itself again. WD rushes in and sends it flipping back. And another hit onto the screws. And…that’s it! Hypershock has come to a dead stop! Man. The Gellatlys opponents make them earn it, but earn it they do. All the credit to Mike for coming back from an incredibly unlucky break to score a convincing win. Consider his penance for ’21 completed!
Ooh, loser interview, you know this was a good one! “I’m fine…you know, I’m happy someone finally gave us some damage in this competition…” Negative crowd reaction, and then he hastily clarifies that he’s praising Team Witch Doctor for doing what all his other opponents didn’t. Bales…buddy…okay, I know you meant well, but after ’21 everyone’s a bit skittish on the PR front right now, so maybe take a little time to work out what you want to say so it doesn’t come out wrong. That’s all. 
Tantrum vs. End Game
Tantrum weaves around looking for an opening, not finding one. They lock up, front to front, neither weapon being able to reach anything on the opponent. EG has more muscle and pushes Tantrum around. Tantrum thinks better of it and backs off. EG very briefly gets caught in something but immediately gets free. Tantrum tries going after EG’s corners, with no success. (Having a weapon that can’t attack in front will always limit what the bot can do.) EG drives forward, Tantrum is against the wall…and THERE’S the first good shot of the match! Tantrum is sent skyward and lands inverted; it rights, but EG drives it to another wall and delivers another shot. Tantrum rights again, escapes, approaches…and EG nails it on the front left corner. Tantrum is looking battered and losing more and more bits of metal. By now it’s clear that all EG needs to do to win this is keep it up; does Dillon Carey have a backup plan? EG right side lifts off…and Tantrum zips right under…all the way; no contact. In the ’21 tournament we saw it demolish Cobalt by taking it from below; this may have been its best chance, but of course there’s no way the driver could’ve reacted that quickly. As the clock runs down, it’s just more of the same, EG manhandling its foe and Tantrum unable to get any offense whatsoever. Tantrum goes the distance and doesn’t lose anything major (it really is that tough!), but that’s all it’s able to accomplish. Formality yooner for End Game.
Jack Barker says that he never expected such a brutal fight, which is simultaneously a compliment and an insult to the Tantrum camp. Don’t hear those very often. Rose informs Alex Grant and Ginger Schmidt that this is their first loss as co-captains, and good to get it over with, I guess. 
This is a fantastic team and one of the very best in the sport right now, make no mistake, but the hard fact is that there will always be limits to what a small bot with a top-mounted spinner can do. Time will tell, but it’s looking like that one miracle season in ’21 is the most the little jabber is going to get for a while.
Ooh, ’21 season…special awards? Extra awards? Complementary awards? I’m tempted to compare them to the Outstanding Performance, Best Technique, and Fighting Spirit awards in sumo. Rookie of the Year went to Glitch and Riptide, each receiving a decommissioned clown hammer. Most Destructive went to Hypershock, Best Designer went to Aren Hill and Blip, and the Founder’s Award (“The person who best embodies the spirit of Battlebots inside and outside the Arena”…your guess is as good as mine) went to Jameson Go, owner of Sawblaze. All three got bolts. (I’m fairly certain this is what the Gellatlys got that one time.)
===CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH=== Witch Doctor vs. End Game
Maneuvering. WD ducks and weaves, waiting for an opening, like we’ve seen so many times before. EG gets a bit sloppy and leaves its left side open…BANG, first blood! Or whatever the electronic equivalent is! That took out EG’s leftmost fork. WD moves in for…a wepper? Tons of sparks, WD has to back off. WD locks up again. This time the spinners don’t meet…and EG rushes ahead, shoving WD to the wall…ooh, that was a big hit. If Mike’s strategy was to “break End Game’s weapon” as Rose suggested, that strikes me as a really bad idea, and we all just saw why. WD is inverted and struggling to get the rubber side back down. EG is unable to capitalize, but it delivers another mighty head-on blow nonetheless. A brief wepper before EG goes after WD’s right front and launches it again, this time taking of some of the armor. EG goes for one more wall-smash-flight thing…and…WD isn’t moving. It’s just so bizarre to watch Mike Gellatly show patience and skillful driving against Glitch and Hypershock and then try to brute force his way to victory with End Game, which is not happening. WD continues to not move, and the count ends it.
Damn. 
I remember one of the last Sumo Digests I ever saw, where Musashimaru and Takanohana were (I think?) tied going into the final day, they met, and Takanohana won easily to take the yusho. And one of the commentators summed it up as such: “Unless Musashimaru can find a way to beat Takanohana, he will never make yokozuna.” I’m starting to feel the same way about Witch Doctor. It’s inarguably one of the best, but unless it can beat the best when it counts, it’s never going to get over the final hump. That’s two seconds in the tournament, and now a second in the Champions tournament. The comparisons to the Buffalo Bills are looming large now, and this is a squad that’s very unpopular in some circles. It’s looking to be a polarizing, drama-filled ’22 season for them. How will they take it? Dunno, but you can bet I’ll be riveted.
Oh yeah, the winner. Man. That is a damn strong machine, and it looked every bit like the indomitable juggernaut that won eleven straight fights. It has become the Kaden Lebsack of Battlebots, just so dominating that I’m running out of things to say about it. Don’t be surprised if this team makes a run at Paul Ventemilia’s Giant Nut record.
Good tournament! 
Hope this becomes a regular thing!
Geez, you don’t have to use your bot’s maximum turning radius every goddam turn! For whatever reason the driver has no precision whatsoever, which culminates in Valkyrie very gradually battering Sm#e# into a condition that could reasonably pass for “submission”. (And Sm#e#’s driver was doing a pretty lousy job himself!) I’m getting the feeling that it’s not making the finals.
Also there’s a picture of a baby kitten on the underside of Madcatter for some reason.
Seriously, just stop.
look…the problem isn’t that he’s acting a heel. The problem is that he’s acting an incredibly stupid heel. It comes across like Sid Vicious trying to do an impression of Strong Bad. Just so completely stiff and forced that I honestly can’t even get annoyed at it; it’s just so much meaningless noise. I mentioned this before with Jake Ewert, that unless he actually knows how to play the villain, it’s only going to make him look ridiculous. Bottom line, he needs to stop trying to force this and find his own thing, or he’s only going to get a ton of needless frustration.
WITCH DOCTOR/MINOTAUR! IT WAS A SHORT TIME AGO! GAAAAAAHHH!! 
Well, it looks like once again we’ll just have to wait and wait and wait and…
=BAM= 
Hammerbots are just frustrating. Uh oh…one of those approximately three swings that actually found the mark took its toll, and PT’s weapon looks very weak. And, inevitably, it stops working altogether. The remainder of the match looks like seppuku if the cut-head-off guy put on rollerblades, strapped water bottles to both of his arms, and then drank about two liters of vodka. Shatter claims the no duh yooner.
And that’s it. Well, that certainly was an…unorthodox strategy from David Jin. It seemed like he took never winning a decision personally and decided to finally get rid of that monkey for good with an opponent that didn’t have a serious chance of beating him. Or else he was just getting creative. Whatever, he clearly dominated every way it mattered, so there’s no risk of this backfiring on him. Sure enough, Ribbot yooner. Man, it’s been a relaxing night for the judges! 
) tactics even harder to execute…how exactly is a couple of long skinny pointy sticks going to lift anything in the first place? You need torque. You need to be able to channel a huge amount of force through the entire length of the arm…without damaging it!..something which BD simply isn’t capable of. As for Bloodsport, the rap against it is the same as for most of the wide-area spinners; it can’t get force to where it needs it, so you see a lot of fights where it pounds away at the opponent but can’t do any real damage. It’s going with a “fancy cross” spinner for this match, while BD has a couple of…little wedge-mounted protrusions to block the spinner.
Keiki Haniyasushin’s palette, this field…
It’s rare that we actually get to see break-fist-face in action!
