Battlebots '21

[DKW]

BOUNTY HUNTERS - ICEWAVE 3/25/21

When it comes to raw energy, few bots can match the furious bar spinner of Icewave. That’s because it runs on…gasoline! And…no, really, that’s it. That’s what’s supposed to be so amazingly dominating about it. Call me cynical, but I think if gasoline was really that bit an edge, more teams would be using it.

++ First round ++

Tracer vs. P1
Let’s see, what are these again? Tracer is a vertical spinner-er that’s had little success, while P1 has a reverse lifter and superficially resembles the world’s squarest car. And is looking pretty banged up before the fight even begins. This has all the trappings of a “bad beats abysmal” situation. P1 begins by shoving Tracer back, the spinner seemingly too high to hit it. P1 uses the lifter. P1 gets beneath Tracer. They come to a halt. It’s like that for a while. Tracer is hung up on the wall! It’s going to…no, P1 does the [word they use in place of “moronic”] thing and sets the opponent down. I’m not even going to speculate as to why they do this anymore, I’ll just mention that it’s usually the teams that don’t have a prayer. And then Tracer’s spinner finally works, taking several chunks out of P1., indicating that I don’t even know what the appropriate emoticon is here. They get at it, Tracer getting a bunch of teensy-damage shots and P1 not achieving much of anything. Wake me when it’s over, all right? Time is up, and…it’s a splitter? Lisa-Tracer, Derek-P1, Jason-P1. Whatever.

Highlight reel of Icewave. I’m always ambivalent about these, especially when the losers are mostly has-beens or never-weres. Remember watching those old clips of Tank Abbot’s spectacular knockouts (he had eight wins in his MMA career), and every single of them was “Who was that bum?” or “Yeah, I remember that bum.”? (Friggin’ Steve Jennum…) I felt the same thing when Florian held up a part from the defeated Razorback. Is this a bot we were supposed to be impressed by? ‘Cause I sure as hell don’t remember anyone talking about it, like, ever.

Ghost Raptor vs. Deadlift
Seriously, screw these weaksauce lifters. I don’t care if it also has a glorified blowtorch. GR gets the first blow, and Deadlift tries to cook itself free, to questionable success. And now GR’s spinner no longer works, and we’re going to get treated to 2 1/2 minutes of Deadlift rolling and chucking around its foe like a baby playing with blocks. Rose bleats about how “for the uninitiated, matches like this are a fascinating part of Battlebots” (all together now: ), and I supposed good soldiering is easier when you don’t have to do as much of it.

Huh? Oh, crap, Deadlift is not moving. And of course Ghost Raptor’s driver cannot freaking leave well enough alone; it has to get a crushing death blow, by which I mean clumsily nudge its completely freaking immobile, I remind you enemy under a friendly “pulverizer”, whereupon the 100-pound weapon drops on the offender’s lifter arm and…causes it to bend slightly. I think. I’ve had more lethal tacos.

Hypershock vs. Sporkinok (highlights only)
Sporkinok! How’s it going, old pal? Figured out how to do something that might adversely affect the operation of an opposing steel warrior? No? Ah, no worries, what matters is that you get in there and give it your all. Salute! This one was relegated to “waiweewuwwaweiland”, and it’s pretty obvious why. Not only did both machines have trouble just getting across the surface (imagine a hockey player who doesn’t know how to skate), neither of their weapons even FRIGGIN’ WORKED, which meant that the fans were treated to a rollicking sloppily-run-into-each-other duel where both tried to, ahem, use the box hazards to their advantage.

OKAY, TIME OUT - I’ve danced around this issue long enough. The box hazards are useless. There, I said it. The “pulverizers” couldn’t crack a walnut, the “killsaws” are duller than a Presidential speech, and the screws not only do jack squat, they’re designed to prevent bots from getting tossed out! They have as much of an effect on a match as Faruq Tahueed’s hairstylist. Anyone who depends on them for victory is absolutely hosed. In all the time I’ve been watching this show, I have never…NEVER…seen any of these hazards decide the match in any way. That’s why I’ve barely ever mentioned them, and effective immediately I will continue to barely ever mention them. Whew. That was good to get off my chest.

Anyway, Hypershock’s spinner works a bit late, something beats nothing, etc.

More stuff about Icewave. Opponents look completely lost, even begging for mercy. The driver rattles on a bit about the specs. Uh oh. You remember this little manga called Initial D? How every time one of Takumi’s opponents started yammering about horsepower or turbocharged this or 0 to 100 that, just burying himself in numbers and specs and configurations, it was a lead pipe cinch that Takumi was going to absolutely mop the floor with him? Battles are not won with numbers. I’m sorry, they’re just not.

Skorpios vs. Black Widow
Black Widow is a walker sporting 8 comical-looking, completely cosmetic legs. I’d was about to say “please do better than Chomp”, but then I realized that I really should set the bar a lot higher than that. Black Widow kicks things off by shooting out a bit of…Silly String. Can we get a “headdesk” emoticon? Oh, its main weapon is a little wedge with a little double-vertical spinner behind it, neither of which looks all that effective. Skorpios spends the bulk of the match casually pushing Black Widow along and jabbing into it with…what appears to be a couple of nails with a cigarette lighter behind them. Skorpios yooner.

This field sucks. Couldn’t we have something at least the caliber of, say, Valkyrie?

We’re backstage, where a crowd has gathered to see Icewave…spinning around and making a lot of noise. Jenny Taft, the on-site reporter, reiterates how much noise it makes. Uh, guys, ever hear the expression “The weaker the dog, the louder it barks.”? This is looking worse by the minute.

++ Semis ++

Hypershock vs. Ghost Raptor
Hypershock goes right after Ghost Raptor’s weapon and breaks off a huge part of it, then a second, and that’s officially the end of the “Ghost Raptor looking like anything other than a practice dummy” segment of the show.

Wait…need to turn on captions. Ahem. Ghost Raptor’s driver: “Well, at least we broke the bar in the process.” Gallows humor is still humor, I suppose.

Flashback to Icewave’s match against Huge in ’18, the famous one where Huge got split in half. Geez, not to rain on your parade or anything (this episode’s already a thunderstorm as it is), but as impressive as that was, the fact remains that Huge is still competing in tournaments and Icewave isn’t. There’s something to be said for sticking power, especially in an event constantly needing to justify its very existence like Battlebots.

Skorpios vs. P1
Oh, crap…Team Skorpios was just messing with Black Widow with that double-pick thingy and have gone back to their proper saw arm. It’s not a perfect weapon, as we saw against the likes of Rusty, but it definitely can carve up the opposition given the chance. Damn, and against P1? This looks more like a mercy killing than anything. P1’s is using the classic “Punch-Out” strategy, which is to run around and around and around and around until time runs out and win the decision. The flaw in this is that it requires nakedly corrupt judges, and whatever one may say about Derek Young, Lisa Winter, and Jason Bardis, they are neither corrupt nor naked. (Good thing, too; this is a PG show last I checked. ) Skorpios finally traps P1 against the screws from behind, and here it comes, bap, bap, bap, and that’s a wrap, folks. Yeah, Team P1 can be grateful they weren’t in the FIRST Bounty Hunters, if you catch my…

SKORPIOS GETS FLIPPED ON ITS TOP! CAN IT SELF R…

…doesn’t matter, time’s up. Skorpios takes a royal snoozerama of a yooner.

++ Final ++

Skorpios vs. Hypershock
Now that we got the crappy 75% of the matches out of the way, let’s move on to the good stuff. The bots enter the arena. They run around. They run around some more. Skorpios gently presses its saw he to Hypershock’s body, to minimal effect. More maneuvering, more running, more dancing. Did I say “good”? I meant “not horrible, though it’s teetering dangerously on the edge”. I’ll just wait until something interesting happens. Mmm. Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Mmm? Huh. Mmmmmmmmm. Yeah. Uh huh. Eh. Huhhhh. And, time. Unsurprising yooner for Skorpios. Bumblebee’s transmission fluid, is Icewave going to take the reasonably-close-to-twenty-five-grand by beating this creampuff? It hits like a girl with a massive hangover.

Ooh, bit of history. There was a previous meeting between Skorpios and Icewave. Skorpios won the decision besides taking some damage (I wasn’t able to find the full match, so I have no idea how unjust this decision was), for which there was a big outcry…and Zack Lyttle, Skorpios’ driver, is sick of hearing about it. That was actually his motivation for being here tonight. He wants to win for real, dangit!

++ Bounty ++

Skorpios vs. Icewave
Icewave gets a few hits which don’t really do much damage. Icewave closes in and gets a-tappin’. Icewave is…having a bit of trouble. Worse, Icewave is crowding it constantly, denying it any opportunity to spin up. Hit after hit lands. Icewave runs to the corner…the corner with one of Team Skorpios’ “pulverizers”. The “pulverizer” goes bap, bap, bap, and the hammer saw goes whap, whap, whap, and then another bap, and another whap, bap, whap, and aside from Skorpios having complete, absolute, wholesale domination of the match, hey Icewave, the clock’s ticking, dude! Ohhhhh dearrrrr, it looks like the vaunted 50 pound spinner has stopped. Run, retreat…back to the hostile pulverizer. Icewave looks really beat up; I think Skorpios is doing more damage here than in the previous three matches put together! Lyttle is licking his lips now. Icewave runs away and…keeps running away; that’s all it can do. (Where was that control bot thing you mentioned earlier, bot whisperer? )

Absolutely no doubt this time: Scorpios yooner. The money’s probably going to a good cause, so we can be at least fairly happy at Lyttle’s triumph.

Yeah, I think we can put Icewave out to pasture now. This is exactly what I feared would happen, the old champ that gets hype upon hype upon hype and completely fails to deliver. It’s become painfully clear (and even more so after Tombstone’s forgettable ’20 outing) that, much like the split-fingered fastball, “big, heavy whirling bar” is no longer an automatic ticket to success. Opponents have watched the tapes, learned to defend against it, and learned to beat it. It had its time as the undisputed champ, and now that time is gone. (Wow, the Tyson comparisons just keep cropping up, don’t they? )

Bounty Hunters episode 2! It happened! Next one should be better, hopefully.

[bobsmom101]

@DKW

I’ve danced around this issue long enough. The box hazards are useless. There, I said it. The “pulverizers” couldn’t crack a walnut, the “killsaws” are duller than a Presidential speech, and the screws not only do jack squat, they’re designed to prevent bots from getting tossed out! They have as much of an effect on a match as Faruq Tahueed’s hairstylist. Anyone who depends on them for victory is absolutely hosed . In all the time I’ve been watching this show, I have never…NEVER…seen any of these hazards decide the match in any way.

Well I certainly agree with you about the pulverizer & killsaws (which are only effective when low-slung bot forks get hung up on the slots) but I seem to recall a not-insignificant number of bots getting flung into the screws and not being able to extricate themselves before the count out.

Also IMO shooting fire, hammers, pokey things, grapplers and saws are all destined to be inferior weapons because they require the victim to sit still while they’re being applied. A spinner, either vertical or horizontal, or a fast-firing lifter just needs to get close for a fraction of a second to do damage. I can’t think of any other kind of weapon with that property (apparently throwing a net over your opponent is prevented by the rules – see the infamous Complete Control vs Ghost Raptor match: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVxB8t68UvE)

And I’d like to see Faruq lose the neck beard. Yuck.

Anyhow, thanks again for the commentary!

[DKW]

Geez, you had to remind me of that sickening farce. I’ll keep this as short as I can: Whatever petty, meaningless vendetta Team Complete Control had with Team Ghost Raptor, they should have dealt with it like men, face to face, outside the Battlebox. There was NO excuse for making a complete mockery of the game with this bush league penny-ante chickenscratch little boy cheapo dirtbag punk move. And might I add, any competition that expects even a soupcon of legitimacy has to eject these underhanded gutter trash worms with a damn catapult. Good freaking riddance.

My DVR counts three BH episodes remaining, and another about two weeks from now. All right, I’ll try to get a couple more in before Monday to see if this gets any better. Also, since the show insists on not telling, from now on I’m referring to the prize as “LS25K”.

BOUNTY HUNTERS - TOMBSTONE 4/1/21

A bot which needs no introduction. You know the drill by now: Run, spin, destroy. With zero cosmetics, a single truly devastating weapon, and just the two wheels, this is truly a machine designed for one purpose - winning. And for a long time, that’s exactly what its master Ray Billings did, racking up, according to Florian, “a stunning twenty wins”.

Wait a minute…just…excuse me, I gotta do something. [goes to Battlebots.com, looks up “teams”]

Huh…surprisingly astute, given reality TV’s predilection for endlessly fudging, hiding, and in some cases completely trashing the numbers. It would seem that the “stunning twenty wins” is based on the end of ’19 (20-4, to be exact, a win percentage of .833) and thus does not include the recently completed ’20 season. HOWEVER! The current record shows a total of 30 matches, which would have to include ’20 (where it went 2-3, as you’ll recall) AND tonight’s one-off BH duel. It’s things like this that really nail home the necessity of just enjoying the spectacle for what it is, because if you try to make any sense of Battlebots continuity your head is going to explode. As a side note, thanks a heap guys for giving me no freaking clue of which BHs took place before the ’20 Giant Nut and which took place after.

++ First round ++

Gemini vs. Gruff
Gemini is now going the “single bot with more armor” route. No doubt something had to change after (?) the previous tandem got their bolts handed to them by Uppercut, but a change this radical is a clear sign of desperation. The bots take a bit to leave their blocks and cautiously approach each other. The first shot lands on Gruff, then the second, then the third. Gruff responds with…fire. A bunch more shots, and then Gemini’s back gets stuck, allowing Gruff to roast away. And more whapping, and more cooking. And then Gruff shoves Gemini onto a friendly hammer, it can’t free itself, dead. The word “perfunctory” comes to mind.

A few drivers talk about Tombstone.

Mammoth vs. Sm#e#
Okay, that settles it, I am now completely 100% stone cold certain that a majority of the teams here are just fulfilling their boyhood fantasies and don’t give a rip about oversized fasteners. (Just as well, since there’s, y’know, ONLY ONE, but I’ve harped on that injustice long enough.) Mammoth gets things cooking by lightly tapping Sm#e#’s long belt, which immediately causes bits to come off. And…jeeziz. You know the drill by now, folks. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. Mmm. Huh. Mmmmmmmm. Okay. (Florian, I know boxing isn’t your discipline, but you do know that “jabs” are supposed to lead to something, right?) And, apparently Sm#e# knocks Mammoth on its side somehow…seriously, I have no idea how it happened. Mammoth can’t recover, and that tears it; even if it survives to the end, no way in hell is it winning. The ref finally decides to spare the judges the unnecessary formality with 15 seconds to go.

Jackpot vs. Deadlift
I can’t shake the feeling that these squads are in it for bragging rights more than anything else. On one side is the pride of the bargain basement, on the other, a lot of flexing and preening and posturing. Neither machine is the kind that’s going to win a lot of tough matchups, so they have to get their triumphs wherever they can. Jackpot goes for chippy hits, which are all its narrow, high-set blades are really good for, while Deadlift is working for the big…lift. Ahem. Deadlift shoves Jackpot into the wall, and…crap. That one little hit and the spinner is dead. Then Deadlift knocks it over, and it’s the largely cosmetic weapon of the season, folks! (One more time: if you want it to be effective, maybe use it aginst something that actually freaking burns.) Jackpot is on its side…and…it has no righter. Yeah, if your budget ever increases to, oh, $4,100, might want to look into that.

Comments from Ray Billings, along with the usual bum-of-the-month parade. Much has been said about the “heel” role he’s taken up since the return to television in ’16. Listening to him, and especially given a full segment like he has now, he doesn’t come across as evil so much as tactless. He spells out his plans to wipe the floor with this bot or smash this driver’s dreams to bits with the nonchalance of writing a grocery list. It’s corny, but honestly, it’s not the kind of thing I can really hate him for.

Claw Viper vs. Kraken
It’s grappler against grappler, and you know what that means…CLINCHAMANIA, BAY-BEE!!! Billings’ chances are looking better and better all the time. I’ll spare you the tedium and just skip to the part where Kraken gets the yooner.

++ Semis ++

Gruff vs. Deadlift
[watches for a few seconds] Yeaaahhh, pretty sure I covered this territory before. Eventually Deadlift gets upended in jeeeeuhhhhhsssttt the right position to freaking end this borefest, thank goddesses.

Kraken vs. Sm#e#
The match, predictably, is three minutes of two poorly-designed fighting machines attempting to negatively affect the operation of the other and failing miserably. I’ve seen more vicious yoga classes. Kraken with the totally meh splitter. Billings is going to swallow whichever sorry excuse for a Bounty Hunter that comes out of this whole.

Live interview with Billings, because he’s the kind of person who gets live interviews. And lo, more controversy and another lingering grudge! This one’s Tombstone winning a decision over Gruff. Billings reassures him that he’s happy to clobber anybody, but it’d be nice to decisively smash Gruff. ‘Nuff said.

++ Final ++

Kraken vs. Gruff
Kraken tries its usual bore-the-opponent-to-death strategy, but once again those accursed rules force it to let go, and Gruff fires back with a near-kill. The rest can be best described as that YouTube video you saw that one time. Gruff by something-or-other. Man, I haven’t worked at this blistering a pace since Sizzler’s dinner buffet.

Flashback to the fateful Gruff/Tombstone match in ’19. Tombstone got the yooner, which the fans hated. Now, they’re only showing flashes, so my obvious assumption, of course, is that I’m getting an extremely butchered cut with every millisecond shown completely out of context to support Discovery’s nakedly propagandistic slant (hey, it’s reality TV, whaddya expect ), but even taking that into consideration, I really don’t see how Gruff ABSOLUTELY BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT deserved the win. I saw two machines being knocked around a lot and Gruff getting a nice shove or two. Not exactly a slam dunk. Still, if nothing else, this showed that Gruff can go the distance with Tombstone, so it should be a good match. Which would make it the only good match of the day. Still better than last week, peeps!

Gruff is now sporting a spear attachment in the hopes of getting to Tombstone’s chain. The drawback is that it’s a big target for Tombstone’s spinner. Driver Sam McAmis better be precise with that thing.

++ Bounty ++

Gruff vs. Tombstone
Tombstone gets the first few shots; lots of sparks, but not much damage. They get tied up…ooh, Tombstone is not a bot you want to wrestle with…and sparks fly. Gruff…bullrushes Tombstone against the wall, and more sparks fly. Memo to Billings’ opponents…Tombstone’s spinner does not take forever and a weekend to get up to speed, which means that smothering will not work against it. You will come out on the negative side of every wall slam. Okay? Okay.

Oh, look, that spear is now bent to the right and all but useless. Great job, McAmis! The next hit warps it almost completely around. And another shot which knocks out Gruff’s flamethrower. Billings is licking his lips now. This is exactly the kind of fight he loves the most, where he gets to systematically dismantle the opponent’s hopes one piece, component, and offensive option at a time. Now Gruff’s drive is going down. More little hits. The ref sees only right turns and starts the count, and ten ticks later, it’s over.

The lesson, once again: No matter how old and battered he is, you cannot get cute against Ray Billings. Yes, there are ways to beat Tombstone, but “stick a gimmick weapon on top of there and wave it around a bit” is not one of them. He’s made a career out of trashing bad ideas, and as he proved tonight, he’s still got it.

First bounty win! I have a feeling that should be worth something, if not LS25K.

[DKW]

BOUNTY HUNTERS - BETA 4/8/21

Beta, as you all know by now, is the hammering hammerer powerful enough to smash through the competition, which it rarely actually does. Someone even reinforced the floor to protect it from those hammer shots, which I think says more about the accuracy of the driver than how effective it is in a fight. I dunno…whatever merits it may have, this bot hasn’t really accomplished enough to earn the honor of THE BOUNTY. Unless of the course the producers are deliberately attempting to humiliate Team Beta for some real or imagined slight. I don’t know about you guys, but I’ll definitely be paying close attention to the bracket.

++ First round ++

Axe Backwards vs. Lock-jaw
I’ve been looking up results for some of these machines, and there’s no way to sugarcoat it…some of them are just plain atrocious. Axe Backwards’ record going into ’20? 1-8. Point one two five, folks. Lock-jaw has been around for a long time, not overwhelmingly dominant but generally on the positive end of the ledger, and it’s driven by one of the savviest veterans around. You could argue that the only real legend here tonight is Donald Hutson. In all, this is a majorly iffy matchup that makes sense only if Axe Backwards is the “#8 seed” and Lock-jaw is the “#1 seed”, which would require that two reality show programs that have seedings to exist at the same time, which is of course impossible.

(Three wins to become the bounty hunter, Rose! Three! Not four! I’m trying to be nice to you, dammit, could you please make a little effort? )

The fight. Axe Backwards gets smashed around, catches fire, smokes, loses a part, loses the left wheel drive, loses the right wheel drive. Next!

Highlight reel; short one since Beta hasn’t actually competed in Battlebots that much. Apparently it’s made something of a reputation in…some other bot-fighting event? I’m not a big fan; I wouldn’t know.

Bloodsport vs. Aegis
I’m pretty sure Bloodsport is going to win this. Just not seeing a path to victory for the Kevlar flipper. And…ugggghh. This definitely merits a ##. Bloodsport inches out, the spinner not even firing up for a few seconds, while Aegis sits there and does nothing, Bloodsport’s spinner finally comes to life, Aegis continues to do nothing, Bloodsport tentatively approaches, there’s the first hit, and Aegis…makes a few feeble turns. The rest is a predictable one-sided squash curbstomp slaughter massacre floor-wiping butt-pulverizing destruction demolition vaporization. They should’ve matched Axe Backwards against Aegis! I’m dead flippin’ serious!

Fusion vs. Rampage
Are two weapons better than one? That’s always the big question with Fusion, and so far the results have been decidedly mixed. Rampage is yet another middle disk spinner, only this one has…wait for it…right angles! Uh…we’ll see. They meet head on, sending them both spinning away. (Against a standard frontal-weapon construction, some kind of flanking or feint maneuver would appear to be the optimal strategy, but I imagine that not a lot of drivers would have the skill to pull it off.) They recover and rear up for another pass. Bam…and I saw metal go flying, but whose? Another hit and more shed parts, and now Rampage has obviously taken the worst of it. Shot of two boys who looked like reality just smacked them in the face hard. I’ll just use Rose’s words: “The good news for Rampage…the…well, there is no good news.” Rampage is completely immobile, so you know what that means…COMPLETELY GRATUITOUS EXTRA SHOT!

Comments from Beta’s masters. The last time they were here, ’16, was remarkably similar to their ’20 campaign, getting three wins over questionable opposition before getting sent packing by a real opponent. That time it was Tombstone. Now Beta has switched from an electric to a hydraulic system, which…should…work better?

Hijinx vs. Slammow
Ugh. Didn’t like grabbers in ’15, don’t like them now. Their entire strategy can be summarized as “choke out the clock”. Get a hold, manipulate the opponent around the box, keep it from hitting back for as long as the rules allow, pursue, repeat, win over the judges and win the decision. Not entertaining however effective it is, and it’s highly questionable if it even is effective (check out Kraken’s record sometime). Hijinx gets off lots and lots of hits that do slight damage. Slammow shoves it into the corner, right under the hammer, and…here it comes!..THROW THAT’S ESSENTIALLY USELESS FOR REASONS I ALREADY EXPLAINED!

Hijinx struggles a bit, its long body getting caught on the screws, but Slammow lacks…well, any means of capitalizing on this, and Hijinx escapes. The blade spins, another hit…and a piece of it comes off. This…more on this in a bit. Hijinx is wounded, the drive getting increasingly shaky. Slammow’s driver, Craig Danby, shows the kind of aggressive fighting spirit that is the true mark of a Battlebots champion by whining at the ref to start counting. Hijinx, not content to die slowly, throws itself into the screws. (Ye gods, make it stop…) Danby decides to back off and wait for his foe to finish self-destructing, and it’s just so sad that this actually is the smartest move for him.

Or maybe he doesn’t have a choice! Slammow is having serious trouble, which Hijinx owner Jen Herchenroder wastes no time point out. Hijinx gets going again but can only make left turns! If this ends in a double knockout, it goes to the judges, who’ll have quite a task on their hands. The count starts. The count ends. And…no double, Hijinx wins! It turns out that if neither bot shows controlled movement but one shows more uncontrolled movement than the other, it wins.

Cripes, I’m just glad it’s over. If you looked up “pathetic” in the dictionary…it’d be a better use of time than watching this match, that’s for certain.

Of course there have been all kinds of debates on what the keys to success are. What weapon works best, how much armor do you need, how to best protect the batteries, speed vs. power, go for the knockout or go for control, etc. From everything I’ve seen, the key factor is the quality of the bot. The materials, the construction, the horsepower, the safeguards, the entire package. It doesn’t matter how flashy its spinner is or how many suplexes it can pull off, if it can’t deal damage and keep going, it’s doomed. The mark of a truly hopeless machine isn’t that it looks ridiculous or can only do one thing, it’s that it can’t even last three minutes. I’d pick a clownbot like Rusty over the likes of Aegis or Rampage any day…at least Rusty doesn’t beat itself!

++ Semis ++

Fusion vs. Lock-jaw
And speaking of which, this happened. Lock-jaw starts off by attacking Fusion’s drum spinner. Lock-jaw shoves Fusion to the screws. This turns it to the left, and Lock-jaw get as terrific shot on the left flank…which causes it to smoke heavily. Again, one solid hit. Fusion manages to extricate itself, but the drum spinner slows to a halt…as does the horizontal triangle spinner. It would seem that two weapons are neither better nor worse than one, because when you allow yourself to get smashed like Fusion did, everything goes kaput. A few taps later, Fusion catches on fire, and its Bounty hopes go up in smoke.

Some chest-thumping from Team Beta.

Hijinx vs. Bloodsport
Another floor-mopping for Bloodsport in the works, am I right? With the weapon designs, you can pretty much a wepper duel from start to finish. Bloodsport’s, shorter, thicker blade takes less time to spin up, and it quickly gains the upper hand. And now Hijinx’s left wheel is down and it can only make left turns again. Bloodsport’s driver wants to make sure of it, getting one last big hit. This breaks part of Hijinx’s top, and it grinds to a halt soon after. Too fragile!

Some alleged humor from Team Beta.

++ Final ++

Lock-jaw vs. Bloodsport
Two big shots to Lock-jaw’s back wedge, which send Bloodsport flying and knock off both its wedgelets. I know they’re not its primary offensive, but it’s bad to be taking this kind of damage right off the bat. Another deflection with the back wedge. Now Donald Hutson finally gets Lock-jaw’s spinner up to speed and responds with a hard shot. Numerous more shots follow; Bloodsport is on the defensive but hasn’t taken heavy damage. A short part of the blade comes off, but it’s still spinning. Now…BAM …and Bloodsport is sent flying! It lands on its wheels, but you have to believe it got rattled by that. And another hard shot, and now Bloodsport is looking in bad shape, wobbling and having trouble firing up. Bloodsport gets flipped on its top! It has a self-righter, but it takes much longer than it should to work. So far Lock-jaw has been doing all the dishing and Bloodsport has been doing all the taking, and time is running out. Bloodsport limps to the finish, but there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind who won this. Judges make the painfully obvious call.

All things considered, this was a pretty good fight (unquestionably the best of the day) even if it was one-sided. We got to see a smart strategy and plenty of big hits. Even Team Bloodsport gained a small measure of victory by going the distance with a functioning weapon despite the pounding it took. The best part was that the bracketmakers did the right thing by putting the best two competitors on opposite ends of the bracket. That’s a bit of common sense that’s rare to see these days. (Yes, I’m still bitter about American Ninja Warrior Junior, why do you ask?)

(Crap, why are there so many commercials today?)

++ Bounty ++

Lock-jaw vs. Beta
Lockjaw pushes Beta back. A few grazing shots to the steel skirt. Lock-jaw is right in front of Beta…no swing. Obviously don’t want to risk getting its hammer head getting snapped off (again). Lock-jaw presses the attack and gets a few more scratches in. A good shot…and Lock-jaw has taken off some steel and is under Beta! And Beta is flipped over! Y’know, I bent over backwards to give this team a fair shake in the Rotator fight, and with each successive outing I’ve regretted that decision a little more. Beta gets upright, seemingly no worse for wear. Lock-Jaw resumes the attack. Finally, hammer swing #1, and I don’t have to tell you that it missed everything, do I? Beta gets sent flying. It’s definitely looking a bit wobbly now. Another small hit, then another, then…wow, that was a high launch! And Beta is definitely missing some important stuff now. Can it right again? Hutson, not wanting to take the chance, smashes it back on its wheels. Beta can still move, but does the hammer still work? YES…it’s another miss. This is just getting aggravating now. Lock-jaw upends Beta again, and this time Hudson is satisfied. Someone on Team Beta laments “We missed our only opportunity to hit him then”, and I’m not sure what’s worse, these Brits’ unbelievable hubris or the idea that they could go 0 for 2 and still think their club fighter of a bot can hit the broad side of a Pottery Barn. Protip: If your bot’s weapon can only attack a tiny space directly in front of it, it’s not going to be very effective.

Did I mention something earlier about humiliating Team Beta? I’m certain of it now. This has all the earmarks of the producers putting a ringer in a field that had absolutely no one with any realistic shot of hindering him for the express purpose of putting one over a bunch of good-for-nothing Brits. Donald Hutson was their sword of vengeance and he played his part to perfection. I guess I should be upset at this, but in all honestly, I’m more disappointed in Team Beta for letting it happen. They should have known that their design wasn’t the greatest and that the only beat inferior opponents, and that if they had to face only the best opponent in a field of eight, it would end badly for them. They went in with their eyes open, and for that reason I can’t muster any sympathy.

[DKW]

BOUNTY HUNTERS - WITCH DOCTOR 4/15/21

Rose: “Witch Doctor is an undeniable icon. This team has reached a level of fame few bots can hope to achieve. If you don’t believe me, go get yourself a Witch Doctor toy ‘cause they ain’t hard to find. Fans all over the world love this bot and the crippling chaos it leaves in its wake.” Proof that being a champion of the common folk doesn’t require being…well, a champion.

What do I think? It’s built well; a dual-edge spinner, one of the most successful weapons we’ve seen here, and a simple, quick, lightweight righter. It’s up there, and that puts it above a lot of bots in this event. It actually struck me as more an above average, don’t-lower-your-guard gatekeeper than a dominator…of course, the crushing domination of Bite Force and the ever-present threat of powerhouses like Tombstone and Hydra have a lot to do with that. The breakthrough ’19 run was as much about a favorable draw and catching a few breaks as the bot’s abilities. Still, the fact remains that it’s agile and can do plenty of damage, which will make it a challenging bounty tonight, especially since it has just the one match.

++ First round ++

Valkyrie vs. Extinguisher
Valkyrie is sleek and efficient, a solid second-tier scrapper which I think could have a real breakthrough if it could only stay out of its own way. Team Extinguisher has swapped out the ineffectual hammer for a bar-style vertical spinner, and the expression “often imitated, never duplicated” comes to mind. First clash, and Extinguisher loses its left wedgelet. Another bump, and its right wedgelet is toast. Did I say something earlier about the quality of the build mattering? After a few little bumps to the bare steel in the front, Valkyrie goes after the tires…and…yeah. After completely eviscerating six of eight tire layers, Extinguisher is reduced to right turns, and that does it. You know you’re in trouble when the announcers back-pat your bot for taking longer than expected get wrecked.

Sub Zero vs. Pain Train
Lots of maneuvering. Lots more maneuvering. Sub Zero slams Pain Train against the screws. Seems like the flipper got into position for a second, but still no flip. More maneuvering. They get locked up. Pain Train gets a hit; no damage. Finally Sub Zero lets fly…a few spins through the air and Pain Train lands unharmed. Another shove into the corner and a flip which knocks Pain Train around a bit. And its spinner has stopped, and commence the boring part of the match! Sub Zero sllloooowwwwwllllllzzzzzzzzzz …Pain Train loses most of its movement and loses. “Pain” must refer to what it feels like waiting for it to do something.

Malice vs. Tracer
Malice hits Tracer from the side and spins it around. Maneuvering. What looks like an inadvertent wepper, and…Florian announces that Malice has lost a belt. Uh oh. Tracer bullrushes Malice, knocking it over…and also sees its weapon grind to a halt. I know how Duck has been widely ridiculed for being able to do little more than take punishment and shove a pointy part into the bots, but given how a lot of them reach that state early in the match, designing the bot to fight that way is certainly far from the worst idea. Now, in any shoving match, it’s vital to use the Battlebox to your advantage, because it’s the only way the fans aren’t going to get bored to death. Well, I’m already bored with Rose and Florian’s gotta-earn-our-pay lecturing, so I’m going to skip to…Tracer spinning in circles? To Bunny Soriel’s credit, she sees that Tracer’s toast and immediately orders the driver to back off. This one ends in a stoppage with well over a minute left. Huh.

Highlights of Witch Doctor’s ’19 match against Gigabyte, which was pretty much a slaughter in the favor of the former. Lesson learned: If your bot isn’t up to the task, Witch Doctor is going to be absolutely merciless.

Slap Box vs. Huge
I’m coming around on Huge. It’s never going to be anything but a knuckleball, but knuckleballs can be devastating against the right opponent. Basically, the tactics you think would demolish it don’t. Go for the wheels? They’re super-dense plastic polymer and can absorb an incredible amount of force. I’ve seen them taken apart like, three times, ever. Go for the exposed spinner joint in the middle, snap it like a twig like Tombstone did once? It’s about two feet above the floor; how high does your weapon reach? Knock it off balance? It’s like trying to flip a manhole cover. Some of the strongest lifters in the competition could barely budge it. Any opponent that goes in cocky or with the wrong strategy stands a very good chance of getting beaten, and in my book a bot that keeps the opposition honest always deserves a spot here.

Anyway, I’m anticipating a very easy win over Slap Box, which is this weirdo box…thing that looks like it’d have trouble fighting the artificial steel equivalent of a mother. Fight begins. Huge gets one modest hit which…knocks off a wheel. Slap Box lifts Huge by the wheels a few times, which is allegedly something that is conducive toward victory. Huge gets a bunch of hits which don’t do as much damage as the initial one. And now some black stuff comes off of Huge’s wheel. As the clock winds down, Slap Box seems to have stopped, but it’s too late for a count, so Huge obligingly takes off another wheel. I’m not seeing how anyone can call it for Slap Box, and the judges concur; yooner Huge.

++ Semis ++

Valkyrie vs. Sub Zero
Ohhhhh, crap…Team Valkyrie is brandishing a piece that broke off of Sub Zero, which they’ve autographed. Bear-poking moments like this tend to backfire big time. Things immediately go south for Valkyrie, running into Sub-Zero’s wedge, getting pointed upwards, and then getting shoved over the screws, whereupon its blade catches the wall and sends it tumbling around. Valkyrie gets pinned under the hammer arm, and Sub Zero capitalizes by flipping itself. Finally it gets a flip on Valkyrie, then a second, and a little knock from the hammer for good measure. Valkyrie desperately tries to fight out of the corner, sending Sub Zero spinning away. Sub Zero charges right in, and Valkyrie…can’t keep it at bay. Then Sub Zero backs off; Sub Zero’s wingman yells “They’re not moving, they’re not moving!” Valkyrie can only make right turns, and that’s it. It doesn’t matter how many blades you have, if your bot can’t take even a little beating, you’re not going very far.

Oh gods. Postmatch taunting? Please keep it classy, guys, this isn’t the NFL.

Flashback to the ’19 final, where Witch Doctor lost to Bite Force. Andrea Galately accepts that she’s a target now and Witch Doctor is going to have to be aggressive. She also admits that it’s going to be a challenge facing the best of an 8-bot field.

Huge vs. Malice
It starts with a wepper, both bots testing each other out. Malice’s driver moves better and gets a clean shot to Huge’s huge wheel, sending it spinning. A second wheel shot follows. Two more hits send tread flying. Those wheels may be sturdy, but nothing is indestructible. Unfortunately for Malice, neither are weapon components; it’s drummer has stopped. I’ve seen it so many times that I can’t even facepalm anymore. Huge did lose one of its stability arms and the other is bent, so it’s going to have difficulty capitalizing. Malice goes into chaaaarrrrge mode, hounding Huge every step of the way. Huge gets a wheel caught on the screws. Huge is getting bullied, and its chippy weapon can’t keep its stubborn foe at bay. A whole lot of shoving ends with Huge getting a wheel caught over the screws again. A little closer than the usual Huge scuffle, but in the end I just don’t think that it did enough. And it’s a yooner for Malice. Wow, I didn’t know Bunny Soriel got this excited with two wins to go.

Closed-door interview with Andrea and Michael Galately. Strategy ‘n stuff.

++ Final ++

Malice vs. Sub Zero
They meet in the center, little bump. Malice goes on the attack and…one hit in, the left front wheel comes off of Sub Zero. Followed quickly by a the left rear wheel. Sheesh, we’re like 15 seconds in. A third hit tears off Sub Zero’s front armor. I haven’t seen a more one-sided…

This…cannot…be…happening. Malice gets unstable…hits the ground twice…rears up…and lands perfectly balanced on its perfectly flat back! Yeah, just like in the Madcatter match in the ’20 season! Sub Zero’s wingman shouts at the driver to back off, which he does. So bizarre to think that nonaggression is the thing he’s done best all night. Malice is still on its back…Malice…can’t escape! What should’ve been a curbstomp turns into a loss for a team that previously suffered the most bizarre defeat imaginable and LEARNED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM IT!!!

Gah…I can’t even begin to wade through all the BS that’s going to be flooding for the next few minutes. Instead I’ll pony up a little analysis. Thus far we’ve had three bounty matches where the hunter won, Rotator over Bronco, Skorpios over Icewave, and Lock-jaw over Beta. In each case the hunter was sturdy enough to go the distance and its weapon, while not super-powerful, could rack up the damage, whereas the bounty wasn’t as good as advertised and had a significant weakness. The one match thus far where the bounty won, Tombstone over Gruff, the hunter had taken a beating in the previous matches and lacked a solid offensive option, while the bounty was rock-solid and ready to demolish. Looking at the upcoming bounty match, it resembles the latter scenario far more than the former. All I’m saying is that all the talk about “house money” and “pressure” is most likely wishful thinking…the ever-dependable horse race narrative which has plagued American Ninja Warrior for years and now seems to be finding a home in Bounty Hunters.

Ah, if you avoid pushing the button for too long, the technical crew gets impatient and activates it for you. Got it.

++ Bounty ++

Sub Zero vs. Witch Doctor
Some circling. Witch Doctor gets up in Sub Zero’s grill, then slips to the left. Sub Zero gets tagged in the flank and knocked over. It rights immediately, but Witch Doctor gets under it and takes a hard shot at its belly. And it happens again. Sub Zero is motionless for the moment, giving Witch Doctor a shot at its back. Sub Zero fires the flipper…flipping itself over. (This stuff just gets old after a while.) Witch Doctor immediately goes for the flipper arm.

At this point I would like to mention that Sub Zero has a minibot, Spitfire. I usually never talk about minibots because they look silly and have at most a marginal impact on the match, but I feel compelled to mention Spitfire now, particularly how the chunk of metal that just came flying off of Sub Zero was launched at the perfect angle to slam into it and send it crashing down. If these bots met a hundred times, I don’t think they could have created a more perfect moment. Sub Zero manages to get upright but has all the mobility of a burning wheel-less car not in Cyberpunk 2077. It’s finished. Finally.

Let’s be honest, Witch Doctor would’ve been the favorite over anyone in tonight’s field, but once Sub Zero scored its ridiculous win over Malice, the outcome was written in stone. There was absolutely no way the team could’ve gotten it anywhere close to the shape it was at the start of the night, much less formulated any counter to that dual-edge spinner. It’s tough enough to beat a top-tier machine without giving it a big break!

[DKW]

BOUNTY HUNTERS - SON OF WHYACHI 4/29/21

Whyachi! A Battlebots dynasty! In an event that started in ’01 and is still struggling to find its footing! And hasn’t won a Giant Nut since ’01, so it’s questionable as whether it’s even a dynasty in that sense! But let’s not quibble about such trivialities when there’s a far greater concern…namely, what the frig “Whyachi” even means. Seriously, I couldn’t find the answer anywhere. I really don’t like mystery for the sake of mystery. C’mon, what’s the most dominant machine of the Discovery Channel era? Bite Force. Don’t tell me that dumb ‘n obvious is any kind of hindrance.

Looking over the field, I’m seeing…a great big heaping of “meh”. I understand that the matchmakers want to pit bottom feeder against bottom feeder, but there’s gotta be something in there that knows its battery compartment from the 50 yard line, which means that at least a couple of clubots are going to get clobbered. As I alluded to in my American Ninja Warrior Junior 2 writeups, it’s tough to prevent curbstompage without causing other, much bigger problems. (I helpfully remind you all that the powers in charge of that travesty put Blake Feero and Kaden Lebsack in the same freaking group, and it was sheer dumb luck that neither was royally screwed.) If you’re stuck with a bottom-heavy field (and I hate to slag women’s tennis yet again, but it really is the perfect example), you just have to bite the bullet, stick #1 and #2 where they belong, and let the chips and bodies fall where they may.

++ First round ++

Kraken vs. Rusty
Say what you will about Dave Eaton’s pitiful contraption, it’s served one vital function in its short career…idiot test. If you lose to this, it’s a sure sign that what you have can’t compete. It still bears the scars of its ’20 campaign…apparently mailboxes and salad bowls don’t come cheap…which will make losing to it even more humiliating. As for Kraken, Matthew Spurk (who’s always in an oldtimey captain’s hat for some reason) has gone on record as saying that Kraken doesn’t get knocked out…which is an extremely bad mentality to have. You have three minutes. A lot of fights are going to go the distance. A decision loss is a loss. If you’re fine with dropping a decision, you’re just going to drop one after another after another.

On to the fight. Kraken is able to get a hold on Rusty’s left flank. A little fire which does nothing. Time passes. Rusty gets hit by a hammer, which doesn’t bang up the bowl any more than it already is. Some running, or rather trotting around. Kraken makes the mistake of getting in front of Rusty, allowing it to dig it’s spike in. It’s only a spike…no drill or chemical injector or anything…but it seems to be hurting Kraken just a bit. They separate. Kraken is chasing down Rusty from behind. It’s big and unwieldy, making it hard to get any kind of hold on. Rusty gets another spike in. Hammer gets back the action, but Rusty’s able to escape. And a good hit by Rusty which takes off Kraken’s jaw! More bitty fire that does nothing. And that’s how it ends. It looks very bad for Kraken, which took damage and did very little to Rusty that wasn’t already done. It’s a yooner for…Rusty! An unexpected result, but certainly deserved in my book…

Oh. Ohhhhhhh crap. Rusty is officially The People’s Champ, meaning that the entire arena is going to be absolutely savage against its next opponent no matter what happens. Keep that in mind.

Chronos vs. Copperhead
I remember Chronos not being very good and Copperhead being powerful but having trouble with size (remember that it was Mammoth that knocked it out of the ’20 tournament). The latter may still be true; the former is most definitely understated as Copperhead sends Chronos flipping away and killing it cold roughly 20 seconds in. And now Dave Eaton is about to learn the folly of entering an event where getting a hard-fought win means he gets to face a much tougher opponent. Yeesh.

Gigabyte vs. Grabot
Gigabyte, as you’ll recall, got absolutely creamed in its opener against Copperhead but seemed to get better with each successive match. As there’s no strong flipper in today’s field, I actually think there’s a chance of a good outing. It shouldn’t have any trouble dispatching Grabot, which…

BAM

…takes one hit to the wedge and gives up the ghost. Byakuren Hijiri on a sembei, this field…

Big Dill vs. Perfect Phoenix
Big Dill’s robot type is best described as “annoyance”, while Perfect Phoenix strikes me as a very poor man’s (or poor boy’s, in this case) Tombstone. Looks like a good a matchup as any for either. PP sloooowly approaches BD, which is unable to get close enough to use those forks. BD retreats to the corner and bumps into the wall. Meanwhile PP isn’t moving. BD tries to flip it and fails. PP finally gets in gear and runs around. BD tries another lift which doesn’t go anywhere. PP finally gets its first hit. BD goes for another lift; this one seems to get more force under it, and PP is inverted. Now…

…awww, crap. PP can only move while upright, and…wait for it…it has no righter. Emmanuel Carrillo, he of the single hand, does the honor pity respect entertainment good sportsmanship thing and tries to flip PP back over…and…he can’t! Every time it gets close but remains inverted! I’ve never before seen a driver try to do the wrong thing again and again and fail! The ref finally runs out of patience, and whiz kid Tyler Wynn gets another cold shower. At this rate he’ll have to find a practical use for his technical knowledge!

And of course Rose has to remind us that “Ehh yeh duhh habba sehh rarahh, yehh reh reh rah rah reh reh reh reh REH reh reh!” Ugh…too many words, Rose, too many words. “Self righter!” That’s all you need. Three syllables, no muss, mo fuss.

Predictions! Copperhead smashes Rusty and Gigabyte mangles Big Dill. And…there’s actually a microscopic at best chance that I’ll be wrong. Goddesses, this field is depressing.

Stuff about Son of Whyachi. It won the inaugural Giant Nut in ’01, kicking off the “Whyachi Dynasty”, which hasn’t accomplished a great deal since. Bounty Hunters seems the perfect contest for them, since they can fine-tune what looks like a powerful machine to let it all out in a single match.

Wow, I had no idea capturing the opponent was an option, Rose. If you’re going to spew out nonstop cliches, can you at least try to make them fit?

++ Semis ++

Big Dill vs. Gigabyte
And…we’re doing the bottom half first? Unusual direction, and I have an uneasy suspicion that someone’s trying to ramrod a narrative through. BD streaks at Gigabyte, knocking it to the side; a bit wobbly but quickly settles down. And…BD is now making only left turns. Gigabyte spins up but isn’t moving. BD makes another lunge, hitting with its left wedge. Gigabyte runs into the right wedge and is briefly sent skyward. A little bump, no damage. Then a massive hit sends both bots careening into the wall…uh oh, I definitely see something white on the floor. Gigabyte takes a couple more bites; it tastes the wall again and gets very wobbly but settles down again. Meanwhile it looks like a lot of stuff’s coming loose on BD. The lifter finally lowers into position…to no avail, as BD can only make left turns again. Durability! Durability! More maneuvering and sizing up. Another chippy shot to the right wedge. A couple more swipes, and another. And another hit, and more metal comes off of BD! Just past the halfway point, Gigabyte continues chiselling away and claims another piece of wedge. Thus far Gigabyte has suffered no visible damage; if Carrillo wants to win this, he needs to do something drastic right now. And now BD is starting to smoke, it’s spinning in circles, and this time there’s no recovery. The count starts, and it ends, and BD is defeated without being able to do anything with its vaunted forks. Excellent fight from the full body spinner!

Even John Mladenick seems surprised at how well his machine performed. Granted he (correctly) fought like a veteran martial artist, using only as much force as he needed to secure victory, but anyone can see that this is a much tougher, sturdier Gigabyte than we saw in the ’20 tournament. This is a team that took notes, made the corrections, and did the hard work to turn their bot into a viable competitor, and however their night ends, they deserve major kudos for that.

More cheerleading about Son of Whyachi from Dave Ewert. Ominous clip of it obliterating Copperhead. Will history repeat itself?

Copperhead vs. Rusty
Oyyyyyy. Y’know, I was about to say that Dave Eaton had the thankless task of a fighting a fight he had zero chance of winning. Then I was going to say that Zach Goff had the thankless task of having an entire arena jumping down his throat and being forced into a villain role for something 100% out of his control. Then I was about to say that Kenny Florian had the thankless task of doing a straight-man horse race narrative for an absolute mismatch. And then I realized who was saddled with the most thankless task of all…me, for chronicling this vomit-inducing drama bomb of a match.

Copperhead swoops around and gets the first hit, knocking Rusty onto its side. Rusty, thankfully, has some righting mechanism I can’t see on its underbelly and gets back on its treads. And then…goddesses, you hate to see this. Copperhead’s driver, knowing that her machine has the advantage in speed and maneuverability, decides to CHARGE RUSTY HEAD-ON WHERE ITS WEAPON IS. Eaton naturally fires away, drawing stunned looks from Team Copperhead, who apparently expected Eaton to just curl up and die. (And now Rose is bleating about how stunned they are. ) That unexpected resistance rattled them, as Copperhead is now swerving erratically; unfortunately Rusty’s past wear and tear has taken its toll, and it’s unable to muster a counteroffensive. Finally, Copperhead does what it should have and continued its flank offensive; it lands a hard shot that sends Rusty skidding to the wall. And…it’s not righting? It looks like that contraption has finally reached its limit. Now it’s righting, but extremely slowly, and of course Rose has to take this time to throw away his last shreds of dignity and openly cheer for Rusty to recover. Meanwhile Team Copperhead, no doubt fearing the flood of hate mail it’s going to receive if it does the extremely natural thing (), hangs back, watches, and anticipates. It seems to take half an hour for Rusty to get uprighted, but it does. All right!..no, this truly is the end of the line; it’s stopped moving. The referee starts counting, of course, whereupon Rose shrieks “Somebody tell that ref to shut up!"

OKAY, TIME OUT - Holy mother did he just of all the that little Unforgivable. Absolutely unforgivable. I don’t care what sport it is. An announcer cannot show favoritism, he cannot get emotionally involved, he cannot lose control. I need pep rallying from neutral parties like I need a sledgehammer to the knees. Holy crap. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to mute all of Eaton’s matches from now on. You are dead to me, Rose.

Copperhead wins, fast forwarding.

++ Final ++

Copperhead vs. Gigabyte
The last time they met, Copperhead took one of the most crushing victories you’ll ever see, but this is a much different Gigabyte now. Initial clash, and WOW, Gigabyte is spinning like a coin! It lands topside, but the bent-bar righter immediately puts the rubber side back down. Copperhead seems to have taken the worst of it, getting air under one wheel, then the other. A second hit sends Gigabyte spinning into the screws, which rebound it against the wall. Big cheers from Team Copperhead, a bit premature, in my opinion. And Gigabyte is still running. Two more head-on shots, and Gigabyte is sent spinning around…and still works just fine. By now it’s clear that simply knocking around Gigabyte isn’t going to beat it, but does Copperhead have any other options? Copperhead more tentative now, pawing away. It gets turned around, and the next instant Gigabyte strikes, damaging a tire! Copperhead is wounded, and Gigabyte wounds it further with a shot to the right tire. Copperhead has stopped! Gigabyte moves behind it, ready to deliver the final blow…but it doesn’t have to, as Copperhead is truly dead in the water. Now THAT’S how you get revenge!

Wild celebration in the Gigabyte camp…you’d think they’ve already won the bounty. Granted, this is a much stronger Gigabyte than in events past, but premature partying is never a good sign. I’m really hoping they settle down and pull it together quickly…after Sub Zero, I don’t want another bounty bust.

Boy, Jake Ewert sounds really confident, doesn’t he?

++ Bounty ++

Gigabyte vs. Son of Whyachi
Both bots take a few seconds to get up to speed. They meet…SOW rides up the edge of Gigabyte and hits in right in its bent-bar righter! Gigabyte hits the wall AND THE RIGHTER COMES OFF! With the bounty hunter badly compromised from the get-go, does it have a chance? Another hit, and SOW gets chucked into the screws. It’s spinner momentarily stops, but Gigabyte doesn’t press its advantage and SOW is soon up to speed again…tactical error. Gigabyte moves in to attack nonetheless, dealing two hits which flip SOW over. Now we see…

…that SOW has no righting mechanism. Apparently the Ewert clan didn’t think that it needed one. This… Unbelievable. SOW’s spinner twitches weakly, to no avail. And to add an entire book of insults to this particular injury, Mladenick repeatedly bumps into SOW in an attempt to tip it back over. The camera catches Ewert shouting “Flip me over, hit me, hit me!” which, trust me, is even more ridiculous than it sounds. The efforts come to naught. Finally the ref, who had shown incredible restraint through the whole mess, does his duty, and SOW is officially mercy-killed.

Tonight marked a true passing-of-the-crown moment, with Son of Whyachi’s design being exposed as obsolete and Gigabyte cementing its status as the premiere full body spinner. Could we be seeing the start of a renaissance? Could we be seeing a challenger to the vertical spinner hegemony? Gosh, I hope so.

All right, as far as I can tell this is the end of the initial run of Bounty Hunters, so nothing doing until the ’21 tournament. You’ll hear it here first! Y’know, unless someone else says something first. Which could happen.

[DKW]

Heads up: Actual '21 season has finished filming and should be aired…any month now. (According to Primetimer, we’re looking at January.) I’ll continue to use this thread, but if it turns out that Battlebots has staying power, I’ll definitely be making new threads in the future.

Website, with results that no one should spoil here, of course. Here’s an excellent overview of the machines by mystrsyko2.

I am very eager for this. It’s not the slightest exaggeration when I say that this is the only reality show besides Shark Tank or The Titan Games that I’m willing to watch at all anymore. Everything else has degenerated into, in varying quantities, unbearable hosts, nauseating judges, brazenly slanted judging, ridiculous rules, glurge-soaked profiles/previews, ear-bleeding contestant speechifying, contrived drama, completely nonsensical themes/challenges, and moronic voters holding way too much power. (Why yes, I am going to add Dancing With The Stars to my “never talk about again” list in about a week, how did you know?) Battlebots, despite a few very small hiccups, has always been a clean competition, and I’ve yet to encounter anything I’d consider unbearable. I need this to succeed, dammit. And if I can’t buy DVDs of the past seasons, following it here is the next best thing.

[lobotomyboy63]

@DKW

Heads up

Thanks, we’ve been waiting for it!

BTW Mrs. L and I were looking at buying tix to see it live. It seems that you’re sworn to secrecy if you spectate.

[BrickBat]

Thanks very much for the heads-up.

( Everything you mentioned about the other “reality” shows are true )

[DKW]

Yeah…I know I should’ve gotten this out sooner, but…just hear me out, please.

It happens every time. A reality TV regular who I find somewhat annoying but generally tolerable (and therefore not ruinous to the show) over time, always…GODDAM FREAKING ALWAYS…becomes utterly annoying and intolerable. No one can ever moderate their repulsive, aggravating habits for any appreciable length of time. Howie Mandell, Simon Cowell, the Dancing With The Stars judges (Come back, Erin Andrews! All is forgiven!), Matt Iseman, Kelly Clarkson, all of them, EVERY SINGLE ONE, drops straight into the sewer. So it’s soon to be with Battlebots’ announcers Chris Rose and Kenny Florian. Allow me to do something I rarely do:

From post #1
The announcers, Chris Rose and Kenny Florian, demonstrate a quality I’ve rarely ever seen in the profession, restraint. Sure they crack bad jokes and belabor points more than they should, but they have a remarkable ability to ease off the gas just before it gets unbearable. I did not think that “a little annoying” was even possible in reality TV anymore, and they pull off that delicate balance perfectly. It’s truly remarkable to watch.

Tonight I fear that balance is about to get spinning into a canyon. I’ll point out each instance of what I’m talking about with “THEY WENT THERE! THEY ACTUALLY FREAKING WENT THERE!” and you can judge for yourself.

PRELIMS DAY 1 1/6/21

Intro, where Faruq Tauheed implies that frequent losers on this show fade into obscurity. This is pure hype, of course, because this most emphatically does not happen (Rusty’s going to be in this season in case you needed any proof), and furthermore, I’m convinced would be extremely bad if it did. As I’ve stated before, this show needs contestants, and it needs them to stick around. If keeping Atom 94 and Axolotl and Slap Box and Sm#e# is what it takes to have a full card for ten days, do it. The other thing is that fire is apparently going to play a very big part in this new season. Keep that in mind.

Quick recap of last season’s champion (and due to Team End Game being from New Zealand, a bit of nationalist chest thumping…I’ll let it slide, this sort of thing is practically required nowadays), followed our first look at the remodeled Battlebox. The big difference is a small raised platform on one end with two water screws in front. Florian claims that it will provide “a whole new set of challenges”, and we’ll find out when he does, I guess. Also, it looks like the gaps outside the walls have been filled in. Someone apparently hates “ring outs” and wants more clean stoppages inside the box.

Then a look at the “stacked” card, which has…seven fights. Which is precisely one less than the ’20 opener. One of them is between two returnees, Free Shipping and Blacksmith, both noted for their fire weapons.

Sawblaze vs. Minotaur
Dunno what that “say his name” thing was about. If I was in the crowd, I would’ve tempted to shout “Kenshiro!” (I wouldn’t have DONE it, but I would’ve been TEMPTED, okay? ) My most recent familiarity with Hercules was the Kevin Sorbo TV series, so don’t ask me about that either. Sawblaze wields its familiar mobile saw-arm and three front forks, where Minotaur, was not in the ’20 season, has a compact drum spinner. Bot Whisperer Pete Abrahamson makes a cornball show of not being able to find a seat belt on his chair, and I’m sure these kind of antics will be absolutely endearing to watch over the course of the season.

Bit of circling before Minotaur gets the first hit which completely flips its foe. Sawblzae rights immediately and takes a few more sharp blows but doesn’t show any real damage. It looks like Minotaur’s spinner shuts down for a split second, enough for Sawblaze to scoop it up on the forks and shove it hard into the wall. Minotaur is inverted and hung up, its spinner to the side, and Sawblaze cheerfully racks up several free hits…uh oh. Orange. Bright. Minotaur has caught on fire. Another hit, and that’s a big puff of smoke, and now the fire is raging. The action briefly goes to the upper deck, but Sawblaze almost immediately tosses Minotaur off. Incredibly, despite burning out of control, Minotaur can still move…clearly some teams learned from Black Dragon’s astonishing victory over Ribbot in last year’s quarters. But its weapon has stopped, and it’s not exactly endearing itself to the judges, if you catch my drift. Sawblaze continues pursuing and chopping away at its stubborn opponent, adding a flamethrower to the mix, which really seems just pointless. Something breaks on Sawblaze’s saw and it stops spinning, but its arm can still move and it whacks away with aplomb. The slow, painful death gets a bit more painful when Minotaur tastes the screws again.

THEY WENT THERE! THEY ACTUALLY FREAKING WENT THERE! - “Instant classic,” Florian? You’re ripping off ideas from ESPN now?? Geeeeeeeeezzzzzz.

Easy yooner for Sawblaze and a respectful chant for Jameson Go.

Some pseudo-slot machine thing because this is Las Vegas and they kinda have to do that.

Previews of Uppercut and Gigabyte, and in the grand tradition of American Ninja Warrior, this show is completely ignoring Gigabyte’s remarkable Bounty Hunters triumph…this despite BH being shown on Discovery Plus AND television. Apparently if something doesn’t “count”, you should pretend that it never existed. Good gods. Gigabyte has two minibots by its side, a dubious addition that’s more than likely just going to get in the way.

Uppercut vs. Gigabyte
Uppercut gets the first hit which unbalances Gigabyte, which obligingly wobbles all the way into the nearest water screw. A second shot bounces it off the wall and into one of the “short corners” created by the upper deck. Uh oh…whatever strengths Gigabyte may have, it needs room to run; the corner is not where it wants to be. And just as I think that, it touches a wall and gets bounced like a pinball. Another collision throws Uppercut around, but it lands on its feet and rushes right back in. And it’s a reversal, Uppercut pinned in the corner! But instead of running to open air, John Mladenick decides to continue infighting. Which turns out to be a poor decision as Uppercut re-reverses and flips Gigabyte completely over. The self-righter does its job, but Uppercut delivers another monster shot, and now Gigabyte is ailing. The coup de grace comes soon after; Gigabyte is inverted and nothing is moving; victory to Uppercut.

THEY WENT THERE! THEY ACTUALLY FREAKING WENT THERE! - Goddammit, Rose, what is this BS? “Just like how you drew it up, huh?” “What, you don’t just sent Uppercut down the street and smash random things with it?” What, too good for “How do you feel?” now??

Driver Greg Needel is an ambitious rookie going with a design that’s never been seen in the Battlebox before. Switchback has a big, big drum that can move 180 degrees. It should be capable of big hits, but all that torque is going to make it a challenge to handle. Gruff brings its familiar forks and flames, and Sam McAmis’ strategy: “Run into them until something breaks; hopefully it’s them.” Makes as much sense as anything.

Switchback vs. Gruff
The more agile Gruff slips behind its adversary but can’t find a flank, and it’s a head-on collision. Two more follow, and Gruff shoves Switchback to the wall. The way to beat a lifter is simple…get the arms, then get everything else…but Needel can’t seem to get the drum on target. And now Switchback has slowed a bit. Gruff finally catches the right flank and flames on; if nothing else, this makes it a lot harder for Needel to see his machine. They separate, and Switchback gets a couple more hits, neither of which does much, and Gruff promptly takes it on another ride. Gruff gets Switchback’s back, and you’d think that the 180 degree arm would promptly teach it a harsh lesson, but it remains put…is it stuck? Another big blow…and Switchback is flipped on its top! I’m pretty sure the arm was supposed to function as its righter; since it can’t move, neither can Switchback. Gruff delivers a parting blast with its flamethrower before the ref makes it official.

They’re still trying to build up Ray Billings as this terror. After being figured out by an increasing number of builders. After leaving ’20 with his first losing record ever. Boosterism is a thankless job sometimes. At least he has what should be an easy first opponent in Brian Nabe and the hapless Captain Shrederator. CS has “a second weapon motor for redundancy”. Tombstone has “a weldless unibody frame that withstands impacts better than ever” and something-something power system. Nabe said that he wanted this fight and likes his chances because “The fights are rock paper scissors; we’re the rock to his scissors”. Uh… Let’s just get on with it.

THEY WENT THERE! THEY ACTUALLY FREAKING WENT THERE! - Rose: “Judges, put your pencils back in your Trapper Keeper, because this one has KO written all over it.” One, stop dissing the judges. Two, stop with the unpaid product placement. Crap.

Captain Shrederator vs. Tombstone
Hit…hit…more hits…it’s a full body spinner, there isn’t going to be much happening that isn’t “both of them get nailed”. CS loses a tooth. And another big blow traded. CS seems to be holding up fine, all things considered, but given its dismal history, you have to think…Tombstone is smoking! And wobbling! Another collision, and it definitely took the worst of that one! And the one after! And it just caught on fire! This was exactly what took him out of the tournament two seasons ago; can he avoid repeating bitter history? CS has stopped spinning but can still move in the four vital directions; now that Tombstone’s spinner is down and the clock’s ticking, does it have a prayer of winning? They bump. They bump some more. More running and bumping. And that’s it; Tombstone stops moving, shocking upset in the books.

The expression on Billings’ face says it all. That is the look of a man who lost all his swagger and panache and has just had enough. When he accepted the heel role, he should’ve realized that a face who loses all the time is a joke, but a heel who loses all the time is a nonentity. Now, having just been upended by one of the least successful machines in the history of this event, he probably just wants to disappear right now.

I didn’t know that it was a tradition to swap destroyed robot parts after the match. I’d think after a couple seasons they’d just want to scrap them.

Al Kindle, driver of Blacksmith, took off a season for some unspecified reason (I have the inkling the word “money” was part of it), while Gary Jin is bringing Free Shipping out of mothballs. The latter is a lifter, where the tips of its forks barely extend past the big front wedges. The former has a hammer/ax/flag thingy. And fire. Lots of fire.

And of course Kindle has to slag “judges’ decisions” due to his inability to “do visible damage”.

OKAY, TIME OUT - Jeeziz…look, you lost, freaking deal with it, all right?? A decision loss is a loss. A loss because you had the wrong part is a loss. A contentious/silly/wacky/unexpected loss is a loss. They all count! The judges have been part of this from the very beginning and are not going away. And might I add, could everyone please stop ripping them? In all the time I’ve watched Battlebots I have never…nev-er, ev-er…seen a bad decision. I’ve seen some that could’ve gone either way, but I never saw them pick a winner that clearly did not deserve to win. Suck it up and hope for better luck next time. Damn.

Free Shipping vs. Blacksmith
FS charges straight in, and Blacksmith, like many past recipients of this exact bumrush, isn’t keen on avoiding it. They collide head on and Blacksmith gets to work with the fire-ax thing (which can also spin, apparently, although not very fast). Whole buncha fire making it hard to see what’s happening. More playful jousting. It doesn’t look like either bot is doing much damage. Obligatory love tap from the clown hammer. Finally the first significant offensive, FS flipping Blacksmith onto a water screw. Blacksmith gets right back on its wheels, and they slug at each other some more. FS does another flip which achieves nothing. Rose mentions that a chain is broken on the back of FS…and just then, Blacksmith starts smoking. (“Injx?” “Nxji?” ) Blacksmith tries to take advantage of its foe’s defunct weapon, but that hammer-chopper thing keeps finding air. It’s tough to hit a moving target with a swinging weapon!

And, time. Man, if Kindle eats a JDDTITDVD here, he is going to be doing soccer practice on some handy garbage cans. It’s…a yooner! In favor of Blacksmith! They showed the scores for some reason; it was 6-5 across the board, so yeah, pretty close. Guess that broken weapon on FS was the difference-maker. Kindle is all business, keeping his win in perspective and sticking to his plan of doing damage.

Pain Train made its debut in the ’20 season, during which it took much more pain than it dished out. Here’s hoping for better construction this time. Deep Six is another bot coming off of a hiatus; it has a large high-set vertical bar spinner, which hasn’t had a great track record here. Highlight of a match where it smashed a ceiling light…

THEY WENT THERE! THEY ACTUALLY FREAKING WENT THERE! - I do accounting work for a public housing project. Most of the people here either are or have been desperately poor, and many of them have been living paycheck-to-paycheck for so long that they consider it completely normal. Many of them are in serious debt, and the recent pandemic has only made it worse. Having seen people deal with crippling debt for many years, what a titanic albatross it is, I see absolutely zero humor value in it. Furthermore, anyone involved as public housing, whether a tenant or employee, has to have a certain level of knowledge of federal law, and in my case I absolutely must know how debts work, how they are collected, and what exactly are the consequences for not paying them. In short, debt and collection is A VERY SERIOUS MATTER for me, and I do not appreciate the ludicrous idea that it’s possible to charge monstrous interest on the incidental damage Team Deep Six. Good grief, this was barely tolerable in Upgrade Complete 2 (which also included an implied threat of violence, because that’s always a laugh riot ). Furthermore, do you even realize that you are glorifying both credit cards companies and loan sharks? Is this really the road you want to go down, Chris Rose, YOU ABSOLUTE FLAMING PIECE OF CRAP??

Deep Six vs. Pain Train
DS spins up. PT charges fearlessly…into the corner. Yeah, looks like those control issues still haven’t been ironed out. DS is hopping around, seemingly unsure of which shot to pick. Finally it commits, knocking a big piece of metal off of PT. PT responds with a wepper. DS catches its blade in the floor and is sent skidding to the water screw, but it lands on its feet. The maneuvering battle continues. PT gets on one wheel, lands, and loses a bit more rubber. DS creeps ahead, slowly, sllloowwwwlly…then delivers a blow that completely wrecks PT and leaves it lifeless on the water screw. And PT’s battery compartment is off and burning.

THEY WENT THERE! THEY ACTUALLY FREAKING WENT THERE! - Accents, Florian? You’re doing goddam accents now?? What is WRONG with you???

Driver Dustin Esswein is surprisingly humble in his victory interview; he seems genuinely happy just to be here and has high hopes for his remaining matches.

THEY WENT THERE! THEY ACTUALLY FREAKING WENT THERE! - And then, after bringing up the “debt”, the natural follow-up is to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on about the fricking “debt”. Goddess save me…

And just like that we’re at the first main event of the season, and it’s a doozy, Hydra vs. End Game. End Game, of course, was last season’s champion, and except for an early stumble to Bloodsport won every match in convincing fashion. Of particular note is its potent disk weapon, which seemed to strike all the right balances; not too thick, not too thin, not too large, not too small. It looked exactly like the powerful bar-setter this sport needed since the departure of Paul Ventemilia and Bite Force, and took another vital step toward internationalizing robot combat (they’re New Zealanders, doncha know!). They’re flying high and not afraid of anybody. Meanwhile, Jake Ewert, master of the fearsome flipper Hydra, doesn’t have a chip on his shoulder, he has the whole damn tree. He laments as to how Whiplash barely beat them (true, it was 6-5/5-6/6-5, as you’ll recall), it was “such a fluke” (I wouldn’t say that), if he beats last year’s champ tonight it’s going to intimidate the rest of the competition (doubtful) and that beating the bot that beat Whiplash will prove that Hydra is better than Whiplash (BS). Then we get some alleged fun with Ray Billings, who hands a plate reading BATTELBOTS VILLAIN to Ewert. This… Crap. Remember what I said earlier about heels who lose all the time? Trust me, pal, once that’s you, the thrill of coming up with a creative means of beating Huge is going to fade pretty quickly.

Also he calls Team End Game chumps, because bear-poking moments like that never backfire!

Hydra vs. End Game
EG is now sporting six long forks in the front in hopes of keeping Hydra properly at bay. The self righter has also been modified.

Hydra begins by…backing off and shifting to the side. EG shuffles a bit but doesn’t advance. They slowly advance. Hydra moves forward and gets tripped up by a floor saw notch. It recovers, and they advance again. Hydra lunges, goes underneath EG, then catches its side for a moment…bang, flip #1 taking out one of the forks! Good start!

Which would be the only good thing for Hydra this match as the flipper is stuck. Dangit…the most basic thing…Florian says that Hydra’s only chance is to use its wedge to upend EG, meaning that it has no chance whatsoever. To its credit, it manages to stay alive for a few more seconds…before it takes a little more punishment and just dies.

Not going to sugarcoat it: Jake Ewert looked like a complete schmuck tonight. He simply was not prepared at all. Fortunately he seems to realize this and promises to fix what went wrong. If he takes his medicine, tosses that goddam plate in the trash, and puts his complete focus on beating his next two opponents, he’ll be a force to be reckoned with in the tournament.

And that’s day one. I cannot believe how long it took me to finish this. Still on the fence as to never waste another keystroke on Rose and Florian again.

[BrickBat]

I was eagerly awaiting your commentary since I got around to watching 8 hours of BB that I recorded on my DVR, and you did not disappoint.

Looking forward to the rest…

[DKW]

I’ve been trying to figure out just what Rose and Florian’s deal is now. After this episode, I’ve decided to go with “Both trying to be the face announcer and heel announcer at the same time and somehow failing even worse than actual face and heel announcers.”

Bit of pyro from the floor saws to kick things off, which will most likely be the most action they get tonight.

Yeti has a wide drum in the front, Madcatter a big wheel spinner. The latter, of course, is owned by Martin Mason, described by Rose as a “madman”, which on this show means “cliche spewing moron”. Maybe he’ll have something interesting to say come playoff time, but I’m muting him for now.

The weekly dose of I-can’t-believe-he-gets-freaking-paid-for-this from Pete Abrahamson, who predicts a deep run for Yeti.

Yeti vs. Madcatter
Madcatter skips by Yeti, they circle a bit, and it’s a wepper. Little more tangoing, followed by another wepper. Maneuvering, flanking, anticipating the moment… wepper. And… another wepper. Really don’t see what the point of all this dancing is if they’re just going to do the same dumb thing every time. Yeti gets upended but quickly rights; Madcatter gets under it and drives it around. Then…another…wepzzzzz. Finally, the first non-wepper shot which sends Yeti spiralling through the air! That took out its weapon, and Madcatter obligingly follows with a second blast which removes a tire. That’s the death knell, and though Yeti hangs in there for a few more seconds, it’s a lost cause. Madcatter still looks sturdy despite all the weppers it took; it’s going to be tough to beat.

The second match features one of today’s two newcomers to the Battlebox, Defender, a complicated-looking structure with a bunch of forks and a claw. This is supposed to make it…defensive. Somehow. It’s driven by Jason Vasquez, a member of a family I definitely do not remember having very many good results in this contest. Florian informs us that it has six separate functions, and now I have even more qualms. Ribbot is sporting conspicuously less useless cosmetics and a tonguelike wheel spinner. I’m thinking it’s going to look a bit dumb but win pretty easily, because that’s what it does.

Defender vs. Ribbot
They meet head-on. Defender pushes Ribbot to the edge of the upper deck, just right of the screw, and they lock up. Sparks fly as Ribbot grinds away, but Defender’s long forks prevent it from making solid contact. Defender backs off, and Ribbot immediately punishes its cowardice by knocking off a bit of metal. Defender skirts around and fires off its amazingly weak flamethrower; Ribbot responds by another shot which bends a fork. Beginning of the end, and the end of the end soon follows when Ribbot knocks Defender onto a wall and leaves it there to die. Defender can’t extricate itself, and that’s the end of this rookie debut.

Profile of “weird” robot designs. I’m all for creativity in this subject, and I definitely agree with the builder that every machine designed for one thing, in this case getting under the opponent, is bad for the sport. I absolutely would love an “Unlimited” or “Innovative” division, where all those boring ‘ol drum spinners and saws were prohibited, and the only reason I do not support it now is that this sport just does not yet have enough warm bodies. If bots like Jackpot and Rusty inspire a surge of new competitors, then let innovation take the forefront. Also a brief clip of last season’s Mammoth-Huge fight, which I want to see more of, dammit.

Up next is the battle of the weapon radius kings, Hijinx and Mammoth. Hijinx, sporting long fan blades, is one of those “better than bad, worse than good” midcarders where the biggest problem is not dying prematurely. Mammoth has undergone a redesign: The spinning club is wide at the rotation point but tapers down to a thin wedge at the ends, and it’s made of lightweight plastic. Owner Ricky Willems hopes that this will allow it to take more punishment. There are also now two weapon chains instead of one.

Hijinx vs. Mammoth
Mammoth charges right in and stumbles to the side. Hijinx retreats and gets spun up. Mammoth stays on its enemy, herds it into the corner, and gets on top. They get locked up and wrestle a bit. Mammoth gets a bunch of hits that look like highly aggressive slurping. Just then Hijinx gets upended! Owner Jen Herchenroeder says something bad. And Hijinx loses a wheel, which is extremely bad news as it only had two. Willems loudly offers to deliver another hit, then immediately rescinds it as Hijinx is clearly helpless. Match over.

Kraken on deck. I stand by everything I’ve said about the folly of trying to overcome the serious handicap of forced releases, and the longer grabby fangs does nothing to change my opinion. Brief clips of Rotator’s matches against End Game and Bronco last…wait a minute, they can reference Bounty Hunters? So…ugh. Don’t want to think about it. Rotator had a forgettable ’20 tournament but came back strong in the Bronco Bounty Hunters, so it’s tough to tell how it will do in any one event. It’s sporting a dual-tooth disk.

Kraken vs. Rotator
Rotator gets a few blows to Kraken’s jaw that don’t do much. Kraken swallows up Rotator, and driver Matt Spurk shouts in joy. Kraken’s flames go on…and…completely burn up Kraken, nothing coming anywhere near its opponent. If you have to have an almost purely cosmetic weapon, could you make sure it at least works properly? The foolhardy pyrotechnics continue as Kraken hauls Rotator around and around and around. And the ref reminds Spurk of the inevitable. Kraken isn’t releasing Rotator. Another warning goes out. Still no release. Something is wrong here; whatever Spurk’s faults, he does not callously flaunt the rules. Spurk finally admits that Rotator is stuck…and for the first time, the ref shouts “time out”!

Okay, here’s what’s going on here. The crew is going to try to disengage the two machines. If they can’t…the fight’s over and it goes to the judges. I…gah. I’m sorry, but that is absolutely bogus. Inability to comply with the rules of the arena should result in disqualification. If I’m a judge in that situation, I’m voting Kraken the loser 100 times out of 100. All right. Commercial break. Working on it…and relax, folks, they’re separated.

All right, where were we? (Yes, Rose, “resume” is indeed the correct word. Have a cookie. ) A little maneuvering, and Rotator finally gets its first good hit…which removes both of Kraken’s teeth. And then the left wheel joins them on the floor. And…are we really going the decision martyr route this season? Because it’s looking like Soto learned some things in the offseason and has actually figured out what it takes to win. Rotator continues carving away, and Kraken’s powerless to do anything to take it. Ultimately it’s a textbook yooner for Rotator. Soto says that this is the first opening match he’s ever won. Another monkey excised!

And here comes the man of a dozen pretentious titles himself, Dave Ewert, and his fabulous contraption Rusty. I…haaahhh. All right, real talk here. I’ve said it so many times: Battlebots needs contestants. If he wants to be a part of this, let him. If the crowd loves him, if the announcers consider him an inspiration, fine. The question is, how long is he willing to do this? In ’20 he got two tight wins over Sporkinok and Kraken, both dismal in their own right, and got soundly clobbered by Beta, Sawblaze, and Copperhead (although they all took way longer than they needed to). That 2-3 almost certainly represented the absolute best this pile o’ junk could have been expected to do. Now it’s his sophomore outing, and he’s not going to surprise anyone anymore. Once the losses start piling up, once he realizes that there are more and more opponents he doesn’t have a prayer against, will he keep going? The opponent is tonight’s other first-timer, Blip, controlled by former Tantrum driver Aren Hill. It’s a flipper which works like a trebuchet (basically a hinge which the bot pulls on the front end to spring up the back).

Rusty vs. Blip
Blip shows some impressive mobility as it zips by the sluggish Rusty. It gets the first shot, sending Rusty spinning into the corner. Blip holds back, but Rusty has trouble pressing the attack and takes another big flip for its trouble. Rusty is on its side, allowing Blip two more hits. Finally Rusty is back on its treads but not working. Part of its side panel is off, which Blip knocks off. And…that’s it; Rusty is immobile, Blip wins. Hill immediately does the diplomatic thing by revealing that he said sorry to Rusty, and how freaking long does is this lovability crap going to last? And we have an Ewert interview. This show rarely interviews losers because there simply isn’t enough time, but Ewert’s still this people’s champ, so we get to hear him ramble about something or other.

Bit of info about Tantrum: The reason the spinner is on the top is that it’s supposed to get under the opponent. Still not sure if this is the key to victory, but we’ll see. The new co-captains are Ginger Schmidt and Alex Grant. Malice’s owner, of course, is Bunny Soriel, for whom the best that can be said about her is that she isn’t as obnoxious as the announcers. Yet. Malice is now sporting a little wedge on the back to prevent that utterly embarrassing getting-stuck-on-the-back problem that, I remind you, happened twice.

Tantrum vs. Malice
Tantrum… Man, that was a big hit from the little bot. Malice is sent flying…and…crap…it’s weapon is inoperable. The rest of the fight can be described as The Not Making The Greatest Hits DVD Part. Team Tantrum has the nod; Team Malice has another headache.

Wrapping things up are two machines I consider among the best of their respective types, blade spinner Bloodsport and arm sawer Whiplash. Whiplash’s driver, Matt Vasquez, openly declared his intention to put Bloodsport on the upper deck. In fact, he seemed pretty adamant about it. He’s so adamant, in fact, that…he’s not going with a saw? His machine is a pure lifter now? Oh, geez…

(There should be a prize for second, Faruq. It’s a damn travesty. )

Main event - Bloodsport vs. Whiplash
Bloodsport gets a bunch of hits, doing no visible damage. Another hit; just scratches. More hits, more scratches. A bit of debris on the floor. And Bloodsport just lost a wheel. Bloodsport is getting completely manhandled. Now come the weppers, neither machine gaining an advantage. Whiplash puts Bloodsport on the screws inverted. Bloodsport recovers, but Whiplash goes right back to work and…and…Bloodsport is inverted on the upper deck. It has a righter, th…and it’s not working, and the count of shame puts an end to its foolish hopes.

HE DID IT!!! MATT VASQUEZ HAS SCORED THE FIRST!!! EVER!!! STOPPAGE!! ON THE UPPER zzzzzzzzzzzzz

So far it’s been pretty brutish, not much in the way technique, but it’s still early. Things should pick up when the likes of Sm#e# and Huge hit the floor.

[lobotomyboy63]

@DKW

HE DID IT!!! MATT VASQUEZ HAS SCORED THE FIRST!!! EVER!!! STOPPAGE!! ON THE UPPER zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I hoped they would incorporate some things like “Robot Wars” had. The pit of oblivion—robot hits target, part of floor descends, push the bot in and he can’t get out. Or house robots defending their corners, teaming up if you wander into that area.

So I guess it’s a copyright issue or something.

Robot Wars (TV series) | Arena and hazards

[mixdenny]

What’s a :wepper"?

[Zakalwe]

When the two bots’ main weapons clash directly. If either or both of the weapons is a spinner of some kind, this usually results in both bots flying apart in various random directions - violently.

[DKW]

lobotomyboy63 - From my understanding (which is necessarily limited, as I don’t have any way of watching the early seasons), the Battlebots staff doesn’t want the in-box annoyances to play any major role. They’re just there to spice things up a bit. The main problem, I think, is that if you incorporate match-ending hazards like pits or dead zones, you’re going to see machines designed specifically to exploit those hazards, not to damage the opponent directly.

As it is, I’m not seeing what the upper deck is supposed to accomplish. I guess if the match got to the pushing stage the driver could attempt a divebomb off of it? Again, it’s still early, we’ll see.

Zakalwe - I can deal with my made-up words myself, thank you.

@From post #12

A wepper (my shorthand for “weapon to weapon hit”…hey, I like this show, may as well get started on these now!

I don’t feel like cranking out twenty characters for something that’s going to happen that often. I’m surprise Rose and Florian haven’t come up with their own term by now.

[Zakalwe]

@DKW

Zakalwe - I can deal with my made-up words myself, thank you.

Sorry, once it’s posted in the thread, it’s group property. SDMB rules.

[DKW]

On vacation this week, getting this out early.

Hypershock still has its small dual disk spinners. It finished 1-3 last season, but I wasn’t really able to detect anything bad about it; it was just overmatched. It shouldn’t have much trouble dispatching Slammo, the one-trick lifter. Basically, if your machine isn’t made of glass and you don’t allow Craig Danby to completely dictate the entire fight, you’re beating it. Eliminating the outside-the-box area (which was the best chance for any lifter) hurts it even more.

Hypershock vs. Slammo
Lots of rapid maneuvering to begin. Hypershock gets the first hit which knocks Slammo around. Then the second hit. Then the third. More tumbling, but still no visible damage. Then a fourth it, and I definitely saw metal come off. Someone in the Danby camp calls out encouragement; anytime a team plays the “They haven’t reduced our bot to a pile of debris yet!” card, it’s doomed. More bits come off of Slammo, which has yet to get any kind of hold on Hypershock. And then Slammo craps out…still not showing a great deal of damage, I note…and that’s it. Hypershock looked unimpressive, but Slammo appears to be completely hopeless. It’s going to be tough to find a decent matchup for it.

And now Hypershock’s owner, Will Bales, now has a bet with the announcers: If he makes the tournament, at least one of them has to dye his hair an unnatural color. Eh, whatever, that stuff’s easy to wash out.

Valkyrie is one of those machines that illustrates the old adage “Power is nothing without control.” Its low-set horizontal disk spinner is tremendously destructive and can really carve up its opponents where it hurts; the problem has always been getting the blade on the opponent and not the floor or walls. We’ll see which Valkyrie shows up against P1, a strange “swatter” bot (like a lifter but with the hinge on the front). Driver Bradon Zaliksky was disappointed last season when he beat Chronos and Sm#e# but was denied the tournament; he’s hoping beating tougher opposition will get him in this time.

Valkyrie vs. P1
P1 gets under Valkyrie. P1 gets under Valkyrie again. Valkyrie is doing a sadly familiar number on the floor. P1…just lost a tire. And there’s Florian with an old familiar friend, the horse race narrative. “P1 still getting under Valkyrie at will!” Believe me when I say that I do not like American Ninja Warrior bullcrap in American Ninja Warrior, much less anywhere else. A few more chip shots which do no damage; P1’s a lot sturdier than I remember it, if nothing else. Now…

…Crap. Those were definitely flames which shot out of Valkyrie. What’s with all these overheating issues? Much like the classic Atari game Surround (look it up, I’m on vacation), it’s coming down to who dies first. Valkyrie smokes and does a lot of Taz spinning before landing inverted, and now its blade may be too high to effectively attack P1…and it becomes academic as the disk stops spinning. The clown hammer operator tries to get it right-side up by pounding the disk; close but no cigar. More humiliation as the second attempt barely makes it halfway. You know that bully taunt “Stop hitting yourself!” In this case, this is quite literally what I desperately want Team Valkyrie to do. Owner Leanne Cushing shouts orders, struggling mightily to bring her crew back to some semblance of competence. And the ref just issued the “controlled movement” warning. P1 is looking really shaky as well; is this one going to be a double knockout? P1’s swatter raises weakly, merely a symbolic gesture at this point. Still no count as the match passes 2:50, so this one, highly improbably, goes the distance.

Zalinsky celebrates like he has it in the bag, and, well, can’t really argue. P1 has lots of little dents and scrapes but clearly looked better for three minutes. It’s a yooner…and the upset bid is complete; P1 wins. And…no interview, time’s a-wasting. Huh.

Riptide is making its debut. Its main feature is a massive “eggbeater” spinner, basically a hollowed-out rectangular panel. Much like Tombstone, it’s essentially a mobile platform bearing a single, devastating weapon and minimal cosmetics, which should be devastating…IF the weapon remains functional (and that’s the hard part). All that bulk should help against Huge, which has returned to its familiar spoke-wheel design and sports a shorter, broader spinner. The closing up of the space outside the walls should help it; remember that getting a wheel stuck there cost it a match against Mammoth.

Huge vs. Riptide
The match begins, and Riptide immediately goes for a wepper, then backs off a bit…and another wepper. Huge reels, allowing Riptide to push one of its wheels over a screw. Where it stops. The screw reverses, to no effect. Riptide goes after the other wheel, which just bends inward a bit, and the ref orders it to back off. The screw continues reverse-grinding, to absolutely no avail, and it’s all over but the counting.

Ethan Kurtz: “Our weapon is freaking powerful, that’s what’s running through my veins!” Uh, sure, you do you…

Reese Ewert has High Expectations due to his Family Name, which of course means that he’s Doomed to be Completely Screwed Forever, but in the meantime he’s going to do his darndest to get on the good side of .500. To this end, he’s installed new speed controllers in his double-threat machine Fusion in hopes of preventing overheating. Given how many fires we’ve seen so far, that’s a wise move. Cobalt is a returnee which has changed hands a number of times between then and now. It’s a tall bot which has what appears to be a wide jigsaw which is set very high on the top. The idea, as far as I can tell, is to either get under the opponent (a strategy which has had questionable success so far) or use the steeply-angled wedge in front to throw it into the front of the weapon. This strikes me as a poor design. Its high center of gravity will make it easy to upend, and if a bot can stay grounded, it can carve away without ever having to worry about taking damage.

Ewert: “I am incredibly tired of losing for Team Whyachi.” Uh oh, he’s thinking of bailing on the team!

Fusion vs. Cobalt
They slowly approach each other. Fusion’s drum makes contact with Cobalt’s wedge, sending the latter fluttering back. More maneuvering. The drum contacts the front left corner of Cobalt, sending it tumbling skyward. And a third hit which does the same. Fusion backs off a bit before giving its foe a taste of the triangular spinner, firing off a few jabs. Cobalt hops a bit, briefly gets its weapon caught in the floor, and skitters backwards. Fusion presses the attack again with the spinner, drawing sparks…and…geez, did I call it or what? Fusion is doing all the dishing, Cobalt is doing all the taking…AND THEN A BIG BREAK! EWERT STUPIDLY RUNS INTO A SCREW WITH THE TRIANGLE!..but this just throws it off for a bit, and it’s right back to chewing up the bottom of Cobalt. Finally, inevitably, it ends; Cobalt, which scores a grand total of zero hits during the match, ends up inverted with a nonfunctional weapon. Guess mutiny will have to wait another day.

Bonus! Based on Ewert’s postmatch snark, it’s apparently acceptable to not endlessly slobber over Donald Trump’s boots on a television show in late 2021! That’s a welcoming development!

Next up is Black Dragon, which scored an unbelievable refuse-to-die win over Ribbot in the quarters of last year’s tournament, against Icewave, which unbelievably has not been retired. Getting completely undressed by Skorpios in Bounty Hunters…Skorpios, ye gods…should’ve been the end, and yet here it is. Three seasons past its last full event, with a design that Florian thinks is outdated. I think that says it all.

Dave Abrahamson blah blah redesign something more efficient.

Black Dragon vs. Icewave
Let’s get this over with. Wepper…corner shot…Icewave’s weapon stops…Icewave’s everything else stops. Yeah, definitely a bot Nobody Wants to Face.

With fluke champions, it’s usually pretty predictable how their futures will go (Buster Douglas, Steve Jennum, Paul Lawrie, Jim Courier, Kirishima, Matt Serra, Isaac Caldiero, and pretty much every Olympic boxing gold medallist ever, just to give a few examples), but fluke runners-up are a different story. They’re still hungry, they still think they can win it all, and they see any regression as an anomaly that’s going to be corrected. Even if the stars never align for them again, they stubbornly plug away long after their championship aspirations have faded. So it appears to be with Team Witch Doctor, who did considerably worse in ’20 than their dream 2nd place (gods, it feels weird to write that…) in ’19 but is more fired up than ever in ’21.

While it had a easy win over a half-dead Sub-Zero in Bounty Hunters, now it faces a much bigger test in Duck. A little bit about the notorious metal mallard. It’s a solid rectangular block of steel with four wheels and a bill-like movable wedge in the front. That’s it. Its whole strategy is “let the other bot break its fist on its face”, which is apparently something that everyone involved in Battlebots is expected to say with a straight face. The only time it ever gets knocked out is when its gets flung over a wall, something which obviously won’t happen anymore with the new Battlebox. All right, straight talk here. The problem with a bot that’s “IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOCK OUT!!!” is that eventually everyone stops trying, and once they learn to stay calm and win the control game, it’s doomed. And when it faces a machine like Grabot or Kraken or Sawblaze, which isn’t designed to deliver crushing knockouts in the first place, its lack of any real weapon makes it pretty damn hard to mount a counteroffensive, much less win. The end result is that Duck is…yes, I’m going there…just plain boring. Every match is going to a decision, and the vast majority of the time it’s going to be on the bad end of it, because incredibly enough, we’re still not playing by Super Punch-Out rules.

Witch Doctor vs. Duck
Flanking. Duck retreats to the screws, gets turned around. WD strikes…and knocks off Duck’s right fork. With the first blow of the fight. WD goes for the flank and knocks it around, then sends it flying across the box. And…geez, just like clockwork, WD’s spinner goes down. Well done, birdie, but you’re going have to do a bit more than that to make up for that early pounding. It manages one decent wall-press but nothing else, and it’s pretty obvious WD got the best of the shoving match. Yooner WD. The Galatelys struggle on.

We close out with two drivers who have had plenty of success but are prone to bizarre mental errors. Copperhead features a compact drum spinner, whereas Lock-jaw has offense on one end and defense on the other. It won Bounty Hunters in dominating fashion, but none of its opponents were any good; does it have a chance against the furious anklebreaker?

Main event - Copperhead vs. Lock-jaw
Copperhead goes for the now-familiar get-under maneuver, with limited success. The spinner goes to work, churning against Lock-jaw’s wedge end. Lock-jaw turns around for the inevitable wepper; sparks fly but neither machine takes a bit hit. Another wepper, this one with more authority. Copperhead retreats briefly before delivering another exchange. And both drivers say the hell with it, we never liked this “driving” thing, let’s just slam into each other until something happens. (). Lock-jaw is taking the worst of the exchanges, and Copperhead capitalizes on its foe’s compromised mobility by getting under and flipping it around. And there it is, a flash of fire at the front of Lock-jaw, and that weapon is toast. Copperhead’s isn’t, meaning that it has a minute and a half of unanswerable offense coming up. Cruelty! When it’s over, Lock-jaw is a total mess, the right front tire hanging by a thread, whereas Copperhead still looks okay and its weapon is 100% functional.

And of course it’s a splitter, what the hell did you expect? Jason - Copperhead, Derek - Lock-jaw, Lisa - Copperhead. Stupidly or not, they get the job done. Just have to be grateful for that.

Phew. I’m hungry now. Time for some… [checks fridge] chicken.

[DKW]

Heads up: The official website has a few bonus matches which didn’t make the broadcast. I’m guessing that there were supposed to be eight matches an episode but it had to get cut down due to, ahem, time constraints. (This is the exact crap I saw with American Ninja Warrior right about the time Akbar Gbajabiamila became a regular… bad, bad sign. ) Anyway, I comment on them there, so definitely check them out.

[BrickBat]

Thank you, thank you for that link.

I’m not into spectator sports, or even sports at all, but I can’t get enough Battlebots.

Go figure.