FINAL DAY 5/25/23
Sawblaze (5-1) vs. Minotaur (6-0)
I said it earlier about Team Minotaur this season…well, actually, last season as well, but it’s more accurate this season. This HAS TO be the year. Absolutely, positively has to. They have the design, they have the parts, they have the drive, the motivation, the energy, they’re focused, loaded, and fired up, they’re on a roll, their toughest competition has been shown the door…the stars are NEVER going to be more aligned for them. Sawblaze? Just doing the best a hammer sawer can do.
Minotaur slow out of the blocks. Sawblaze hits its drum with its forks, knocking it over. Minotaur retreats and Sawblaze gives chase. Minotaur gets backed to the upper deck and briefly climbs on the forks…negligible damage. The action spills to a side screw, where Sawblaze has Minotaur by the left. Minotaur draws some sparks from the left fork; Sawblaze counters with a chop to the top, making a little dent. Minotaur escapes and attacks the forks. Sawblaze retreats and suddenly turns around. Minotaur’s back on the forks, churning at the arm’s pivot point; Sawblaze, undeterred, powers forward to the upper deck screw and flips Minotaur over, momentarily helpless. Sawblaze gets one nice shot to the underbelly before Minotaur escapes…hoo boy, side-wheeling, there’s that control issue again. Sawblaze scoops it right back up and sends it into another wall…ooh, that’s a nice jolt…and Minotaur is smoking! And…oh yeah. 
Incredibly, it manages to fight back, delivering several nice shots and disabling the saw arm. But Jamison Go is a veteran and sticks to the gameplan, shoving Minotaur into obstacles and waiting for the fire to finish its work. Minotaur ends up against a screw and struggles mightily to extricate itself. It does…but that seems to be its limit; it’s not moving! There’s still over 25 seconds to go; there’s not going to be any obsolete boxing term here! 
Go cheers wildly as Minotaur’s time, once again, runs out.
Replay shows that seemingly innocent shot to the underbelly badly damaged Minotaur’s battery case, which turned out to be the death blow. That…that was great. 
I’ve gotten so used to matches being won with pure power that a smart, skilled driver taking out a big favorite with strategy and precision is an incredible breath of fresh air. Did I mention how good it feels to have someone like Jamison Go make a deep run? He’s so happy just to be there and has a fantastic attitude.
On the other end…damn. 
You could see it on their faces in the end; this was just crushing for Team Minotaur. Another dream season gets booted to Tartarus. And I have exactly the same question for them I did after last season: Now what? Of course they’ll be back, and of course they’ll keep working hard, but just how many more heartbreaks can they endure? The next couple years are when we find out what they’re truly made of. I have a feeling it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
And…the announcers just got word that Ethan Kurtz…won’t be here for some reason? Shot of a smattering of booing and the Riptide guys, one of them talking on a phone…
…Ethan Kurtz has Covid. 
Damn. After all the effort the Battlebots producers made to shield him from consequences, reality slams a battering ram into him. I’ve known people who’ve been faced with serious health conditions…heck, I’m dealing with blood pressure right now…and it is a stone-cold ironclad fact that once you have one, either you deal with it like a mature adult or it completely wrecks you. Yeah, I’m thinking it’s going to be a pret-ty interesting ‘23 for the entitled little snot.
Huge (6-0) vs. Witch Doctor (5-1)
WD a little slow out of the blocks, but it gets going. Some maneuvering before Mike Gelatly…who said before the fight that WD couldn’t reach Huge’s body so he’d go after the wheels…goes for weppers. 
Florian says that a belt has come off, probably WD’s, and Rose notes that WD is giving off smoke. (They can be excellent commentators when they want to be! I don’t understand why they need all those horrible jokes! 
) WD goes after Huge’s spinner a couple more times…and…oh crap…WD’s weapon is down. 
It starts rotating again but with all the energy of a cake display. Meanwhile Huge’s weapon is still fully operational and its wheels are pristine. Two big shots send a chunk of WD’s armor flying, and, welp, this one’s over as a contest. Jonathan Schulz does a bunch of golf practice before the inevitable clock de grace. The crowd knows it: yooner Huge.
I’m left with one burning question. Why? Why does Mike Gelatly ALWAYS implode like this? Time and again the machine looks powerful, he’s totally focused on winning, he’s riding high, and then he gets to the tournament and puts his brain in layaway. The first step to beating Huge is to get the wheels! He said it himself! Then when the match actually begins, it’s “Brehkk dehh weppuhnn! Brehkk dehh weppuhnn! Rraaaaggghh!” There was no reason to go straight to that desperation play! I’ve been looking at all the near-misses, all the pain, all the frustration, and the more I see, the more convinced I am that HE is the problem.
Ribbot (3-3) vs. Hydra (5-1)
Ribbot versus Hydra in quarters. Ribbot…versus…Hydra…in…quarters. 
This season, man. Both bots shuffle and stutter-step (I’ve noticed there’ve been a lot fewer full-burner blitzes this season). They pause a few feet apart, each waiting for the other to make the first move. Hydra inches forward and takes a grazing shot from the spinner. An affirmative “Touched my tip!” from David Jin. 
Obligatory practice swing from Hydra. More inching, more shuffling. Hydra flips a few more times, catching nothing but space. Both machines are barely moving; I’m getting uncomfortable flashbacks to Royce Gracie’s first ever UFC fight. Finally, Hydra makes contact…briefly lifting Ribbot’s front off the ground. A few sparks and another miss. Oh, oh, Hydra is almost under Ribbot…and backs off. 
Man, this isn’t like the opener at all. Ribbot creeps forward, another grazing hit. Hydra gets turned slightly to the right, and Ribbot goes after the left front…not much, but it was solid contact! 
Ribbot sweeps…not particularly quickly, I might add…over to Hydra’s left and takes another piece. There’s now a hole in Hydra’s left, which Jin acknowledges with “[beep] blin worr!” 
Uh oh, Hydra is even more sluggish now. The flipper defiantly fires away, but nothing else on it is working! That’ll do it!
Sweet Georgia Suwako Moriya, it’s happening again, ONLY WORSE. Remember two years ago when Ribbot looked so ridiculous, so out of place, then cruised all the way to quarters after basically watching Beta and Jackpot blow themselves up, and it took a freaking Ivarr The Boneless comeback by Black Dragon to end its completely ridiculous run? Well, this time it not only barely made the tournament with a much worse record (.250 as opposed to season 5’s .667), it’s now DONE ONE BETTER. Ribbot, one of just three teams to get a 1-3 pity pass (which, I remind you, wouldn’t have been even theoretically possible in the pre-Covid 16-bot tournaments), has an actual, honest-to-goodness shot at the Giant Nut. Oh yeah! 
On the other end, it’s going to be another long, bitter winter for Jake Ewert. He’s made it very clear that he wants to take his place alongside his father as a champ, and with each passing season that dream just slips further and further away. The weird thing is that the way to beat Hydra is so obvious: Don’t drive onto its flipper! That’s it! And yet so many drivers keep doing it again and again and again. But at some point in the tournament he’s always going to run into someone who’s not stupid or macho, and then he’s sunk. I don’t know if he can reach the top, but it’s not happening with Hydra.
All right, for the first time ever, Team Riptide has to make an adjustment on the fly. And their substitute driver is…17 year old Felix Jing. He is the most recent Vex Robotics skills champion, so the credentials certainly are there. The rest of the team is completely behind him. “They’ll never know what hit them!” 
Copperhead (5-1) vs. Riptide (6-0)
Loud, forceful “Copperhead” chant, and I can only presume they’re thinking the same thing I am.
Riptide very briefly goes sideways, but recovers; wepper, and Copperhead gets punted onto the upper deck. Copperhead descends and eats another big shot. Then another. Copperhead does another head-on collision which slams it around, then another… 
GAAAAAHHHH!! WEPPER, WEPPER, WEPPER, WEPPER, WEPPER, WEPPER!!! IS THAT ALL YOU INSECT-BRAINS KNOW HOW TO DO??? 
Hahh…sorry, long, frustrating season. Copperhead is now spinning on one wheel. Rose notes that Riptide’s spinner just got split in half. Oh Marisa, it’s official: Riptide’s weapon has stopped. Copperhead, its drum still functional, continues grinding away at Riptide’s front. Now the only question is if it can finish the job…and just as I write this, Riptide shoves Copperhead all over the place…Riptide is inverted! Copperhead hits the wall and its spinner does its job! 
Now Copperhead, with a clear damage advantage, just needs to tack on a little more…Copperhead just righted it. Riptide loses more of the drum…Copperhead lost its right wheel! Goddammit! How many breaks can one freaking bunch of misfits get in one lifetime???
Freaking finally!! I gotta tell ya, no matter how this one shakes out, this was absolutely damning for Luke Quintal. Terrible, terrible look. With a smaller, quicker, tougher bot, he could think of no better strategy than to PLOW STRAIGHT INTO RIPTIDE’S WEAPON OVER AND OVER AND OVER, which this season has repeatedly proven to be complete folly. And when he catches a break and has his foe helpless, does he carefully work his advantage, go for the wheels, run out the clock? NO! He continues running blindly at the most durable part of Riptide (I really wasn’t expecting to bring up Headbutt Man again, really!) and damn near kills his own bot! He had at worst a clean yooner in his hands, and thanks to his trash can lid for brains bungling it’s now a nerve-shredding nail-biter. Oh, look, a splitter, whoda thunk? Winter - Copperhead, Young - Riptide, Davis - Copperhead.
All right, I’m just going to say it (as opposed to my usual practice of keeping everything bottled up ). I would’ve been 100% fine with Felix Jing winning. I know he’s on a team of punks and twits that’s gotten way too much undeserved success, but I judge people as individuals. And he stepped up in the most pressure-packed situation imaginable, stayed completely calm, and fought his heart out. He took advantage of every one of Copperhead’s mistakes and did everything he possibly could to win. It’s one of the most impressive rookie debuts I’ve ever seen on this show. He deserved this more than Quintal, dammit. I had a feeling this match was going to break my heart, but never like this.
Rose points out that the #1, #2, #3, and #4 all went down in quarters, further proving that seeds are for gardeners.
Ribbot (4-3) vs. Sawblaze (6-1)
All right! Highly unfamiliar territory here! Let’s boogie! 
Sawblaze gets a fork under Ribbot’s right front wheel, and they spin in clockwise circles. Lots of clockwise circles. Lots and lots and lots of clockwise circles. 
Jamison Go states the problem as such: “If I stop turning they’re going to hit me.” They slow down a bit…and continue circling. David Jin stammers something I have no idea what. (Rose and Florian really ought to do a “Jin-isms” compilation; it should be interesting.) Something hits a saw notch, and they’re finally separated; I’d call that little dance a wash in the control department. Ribbot’s running around looking for an angle, Sawblaze not providing an easy target. Ribbot gets a shot in passing, but Sawblaze scoops it up on those forks from the left. One chop later…I’m not going to bother digging up that stupid acronym again…the usual happens. Drive to the wall; no further damage, but Ribbot is smoking…and the weapon has stopped. Oh yeah, this is where Go smells blood. Sawblaze puts Ribbot, now smoking really badly, on the upper deck screw and takes another chop. Ribbot drives hard…no, it doesn’t have the muscle, and Sawblaze pushes it back to the wall! Kinda hard to stupidly bumrush when your power source gets banged up, isn’t it? With less than a minute left… And there’s the coffin nail. Go, who suffered little more than scratches to his machine, calmly runs out the clock, knowing that the battle is his. Sawblaze yooner.
Go explains that while the opening dance was pretty, that’s not why he did it. He knew that Ribbot had a powerful spinner and was making very sure that he didn’t take the worst of it. Wow…a driver who respects his opponent’s power and works to avoid damage, what a concept!
And of course, Team Riptide had to stay true to type by challenging the decision, but all this accomplished…you see this coming, don’t you?..was Young reversing his decision, turning a Copperhead splitter into a Copperhead yooner. After Sauriol successfully argued her case in week 9, all other challenges this season have netted a big fat goose egg. That’s pretty big. I’m really tempted to compare this to American Idol somehow.
Copperhead (6-1) vs. Huge (7-0)
Forget it. Copperhead was toast from the opening bell. Just way too beat up from the Riptide match to have a prayer. Wepper, wepper, wepper, right side drive meat, Huge pounces, ballerina, smoke, ballgame.
All right, the finallists.
-Sawblaze- Beat: Hypershock, Lock-jaw, Skorpios, Blip, Monsoon, Minotaur, Ribbot / Lost to: Hydra
-Huge- Beat: Shatter, Blip, Fusion, Starchild, Skorpios, Madcatter, Witch Doctor, Copperhead
… Seriously, I’m almost at a loss for words. How did these two make it this far? The book on beating Huge has been written in stone for at least a season; the idea that it could best even two foes in the tournament, much less four, was absurd. And while Jamison Go is an outstanding driver when his head is in the game (which it regrettably wasn’t against Hydra), I’ve never been impressed by Sawblaze. It can win a bunch of matches, sure, but go the distance? A nice dream, but that was seemingly all it was. And look at them now. I guess I’d say Sawblaze looked better based on strength of opposition, but no way would I ever be so arrogant as to pick a winner.
Huge is switching to the Tegris wheels. Sawblaze has a…plow? The intent is to catch Huge’s weapon. We’ve seen specialized configurations for Huge, but this has to be the most elaborate yet.
Very strange history gets made tonight!
===CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH=== Huge (8-0) vs. Sawblaze (7-1)
Sawblaze rushes straight at Huge and part of that contraption knocks it off balance. Huge gets the first hit which knocks around Sawblaze. And a second. And another one, this one bigger. And a fifth one which definitely took something off. Seriously, does ANYONE have a goddam strategy against this thing?? Sawblaze drives ahead, putting Huge against the wall. It looks like Go’s going after Huge’s weapon belt (as Florian states), but it’s an elusive target. Huge slips away and delivers a couple more shots. They’re not doing heavy damage, but if Sawblaze doesn’t start doing something, it’s finished. Sawblaze finally gets Huge against another wall and takes a shot to the spinner housing. Two more shots which draw sparks. Halfway mark. Sawblaze continues hounding Huge, and it looks like that spinner’s lost some juice. Now it’s on the offensive, chomping away, and Huge is getting pushed around. Sawblaze is shoving around Huge by the wheels, then slipping in to attack, and Huge has no answer. Under a minute to go! Sawblaze gets another hit, and Rose notes a plume of smoke! Two more blows land to the left of the spinner, and now Huge definitely has some dents.
Oh wow. After the first minute, where Sawblaze was basically the world’s most misshapen soccer ball, I was certain that Jonathan Schulz was going to cap off the most ridiculous perfect season in the history of human competition. It’s a testament to Jamison Go’s astounding veteran mettle that he was able to weather the storm and come up with an effective counteroffensive. He has the edge on damage, but not a massive one, and now the question is if he did enough in the latter half to make up for the humiliation in the early going. The Sawblaze camp is already celebrating. And now the judges are going into the box to assess the damage, meaning that this one’s going to be super tight. Someone hugs Schulz and says “We did it, bro. We made it.”
Much time passes.
It’s a…yooner! For Sawblaze! 
Schulz, to his eternal credit, decides not to waste everyone’s time with an appeal. Cut to Florian grilling Schulz in a quiet place. He’s emotional but reiterates that Go fought a better fight and deserved the victory, and he’s grateful to have made it this far. Whoa mama. I am so glad he didn’t give up the sport after last season. 
Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. Jamison Go did it. He freaking did it. One of the classiest, most likable, most deserving personalities in the sport won the Giant Nut. I’m not sure I can even process this level of awesomeness right now.
Final thoughts sometime this week! I gotta learn to breathe again first!