I think minibots are a way to keep younger family members engaged. The only ones I’ve seen do anything useful are wedges that can get under opponents and inhibit wheel to ground contact.
Ah, keeping the kids happy – thanks, it finally makes some kind of sense, and I daresay the loss of some weight allowance for the main machine is negligible. I’ve only seen one case of a wedge tactic actually working, though, and even there it seemed accidental.
Yeah, that too. Lots of them, though not all, seem to be operated by the youngsters.
I recall in one match ( forgot who/what the match-up was ) where the minibot actually ended up damaging “the mother ship” by a freakish turn of events during a pitched battle. Seems the minibot got such a walloping from the opponent that it was sent flying like a hunk of huge shrapnel and was flung right into its friendly mother ship, was was in turn damaged badly.
FINAL DAY 5/25/23
Sawblaze (5-1) vs. Minotaur (6-0)
I said it earlier about Team Minotaur this season…well, actually, last season as well, but it’s more accurate this season. This HAS TO be the year. Absolutely, positively has to. They have the design, they have the parts, they have the drive, the motivation, the energy, they’re focused, loaded, and fired up, they’re on a roll, their toughest competition has been shown the door…the stars are NEVER going to be more aligned for them. Sawblaze? Just doing the best a hammer sawer can do.
Minotaur slow out of the blocks. Sawblaze hits its drum with its forks, knocking it over. Minotaur retreats and Sawblaze gives chase. Minotaur gets backed to the upper deck and briefly climbs on the forks…negligible damage. The action spills to a side screw, where Sawblaze has Minotaur by the left. Minotaur draws some sparks from the left fork; Sawblaze counters with a chop to the top, making a little dent. Minotaur escapes and attacks the forks. Sawblaze retreats and suddenly turns around. Minotaur’s back on the forks, churning at the arm’s pivot point; Sawblaze, undeterred, powers forward to the upper deck screw and flips Minotaur over, momentarily helpless. Sawblaze gets one nice shot to the underbelly before Minotaur escapes…hoo boy, side-wheeling, there’s that control issue again. Sawblaze scoops it right back up and sends it into another wall…ooh, that’s a nice jolt…and Minotaur is smoking! And…oh yeah. 
Incredibly, it manages to fight back, delivering several nice shots and disabling the saw arm. But Jamison Go is a veteran and sticks to the gameplan, shoving Minotaur into obstacles and waiting for the fire to finish its work. Minotaur ends up against a screw and struggles mightily to extricate itself. It does…but that seems to be its limit; it’s not moving! There’s still over 25 seconds to go; there’s not going to be any obsolete boxing term here! 
Go cheers wildly as Minotaur’s time, once again, runs out.
Replay shows that seemingly innocent shot to the underbelly badly damaged Minotaur’s battery case, which turned out to be the death blow. That…that was great. 
I’ve gotten so used to matches being won with pure power that a smart, skilled driver taking out a big favorite with strategy and precision is an incredible breath of fresh air. Did I mention how good it feels to have someone like Jamison Go make a deep run? He’s so happy just to be there and has a fantastic attitude.
On the other end…damn. 
You could see it on their faces in the end; this was just crushing for Team Minotaur. Another dream season gets booted to Tartarus. And I have exactly the same question for them I did after last season: Now what? Of course they’ll be back, and of course they’ll keep working hard, but just how many more heartbreaks can they endure? The next couple years are when we find out what they’re truly made of. I have a feeling it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
And…the announcers just got word that Ethan Kurtz…won’t be here for some reason? Shot of a smattering of booing and the Riptide guys, one of them talking on a phone…
…Ethan Kurtz has Covid. 
Damn. After all the effort the Battlebots producers made to shield him from consequences, reality slams a battering ram into him. I’ve known people who’ve been faced with serious health conditions…heck, I’m dealing with blood pressure right now…and it is a stone-cold ironclad fact that once you have one, either you deal with it like a mature adult or it completely wrecks you. Yeah, I’m thinking it’s going to be a pret-ty interesting ‘23 for the entitled little snot.
Huge (6-0) vs. Witch Doctor (5-1)
WD a little slow out of the blocks, but it gets going. Some maneuvering before Mike Gelatly…who said before the fight that WD couldn’t reach Huge’s body so he’d go after the wheels…goes for weppers. 
Florian says that a belt has come off, probably WD’s, and Rose notes that WD is giving off smoke. (They can be excellent commentators when they want to be! I don’t understand why they need all those horrible jokes! 
) WD goes after Huge’s spinner a couple more times…and…oh crap…WD’s weapon is down. 
It starts rotating again but with all the energy of a cake display. Meanwhile Huge’s weapon is still fully operational and its wheels are pristine. Two big shots send a chunk of WD’s armor flying, and, welp, this one’s over as a contest. Jonathan Schulz does a bunch of golf practice before the inevitable clock de grace. The crowd knows it: yooner Huge.
I’m left with one burning question. Why? Why does Mike Gelatly ALWAYS implode like this? Time and again the machine looks powerful, he’s totally focused on winning, he’s riding high, and then he gets to the tournament and puts his brain in layaway. The first step to beating Huge is to get the wheels! He said it himself! Then when the match actually begins, it’s “Brehkk dehh weppuhnn! Brehkk dehh weppuhnn! Rraaaaggghh!” There was no reason to go straight to that desperation play! I’ve been looking at all the near-misses, all the pain, all the frustration, and the more I see, the more convinced I am that HE is the problem.
Ribbot (3-3) vs. Hydra (5-1)
Ribbot versus Hydra in quarters. Ribbot…versus…Hydra…in…quarters. 
This season, man. Both bots shuffle and stutter-step (I’ve noticed there’ve been a lot fewer full-burner blitzes this season). They pause a few feet apart, each waiting for the other to make the first move. Hydra inches forward and takes a grazing shot from the spinner. An affirmative “Touched my tip!” from David Jin. 
Obligatory practice swing from Hydra. More inching, more shuffling. Hydra flips a few more times, catching nothing but space. Both machines are barely moving; I’m getting uncomfortable flashbacks to Royce Gracie’s first ever UFC fight. Finally, Hydra makes contact…briefly lifting Ribbot’s front off the ground. A few sparks and another miss. Oh, oh, Hydra is almost under Ribbot…and backs off. 
Man, this isn’t like the opener at all. Ribbot creeps forward, another grazing hit. Hydra gets turned slightly to the right, and Ribbot goes after the left front…not much, but it was solid contact! 
Ribbot sweeps…not particularly quickly, I might add…over to Hydra’s left and takes another piece. There’s now a hole in Hydra’s left, which Jin acknowledges with “[beep] blin worr!” 
Uh oh, Hydra is even more sluggish now. The flipper defiantly fires away, but nothing else on it is working! That’ll do it!
Sweet Georgia Suwako Moriya, it’s happening again, ONLY WORSE. Remember two years ago when Ribbot looked so ridiculous, so out of place, then cruised all the way to quarters after basically watching Beta and Jackpot blow themselves up, and it took a freaking Ivarr The Boneless comeback by Black Dragon to end its completely ridiculous run? Well, this time it not only barely made the tournament with a much worse record (.250 as opposed to season 5’s .667), it’s now DONE ONE BETTER. Ribbot, one of just three teams to get a 1-3 pity pass (which, I remind you, wouldn’t have been even theoretically possible in the pre-Covid 16-bot tournaments), has an actual, honest-to-goodness shot at the Giant Nut. Oh yeah! 
On the other end, it’s going to be another long, bitter winter for Jake Ewert. He’s made it very clear that he wants to take his place alongside his father as a champ, and with each passing season that dream just slips further and further away. The weird thing is that the way to beat Hydra is so obvious: Don’t drive onto its flipper! That’s it! And yet so many drivers keep doing it again and again and again. But at some point in the tournament he’s always going to run into someone who’s not stupid or macho, and then he’s sunk. I don’t know if he can reach the top, but it’s not happening with Hydra.
All right, for the first time ever, Team Riptide has to make an adjustment on the fly. And their substitute driver is…17 year old Felix Jing. He is the most recent Vex Robotics skills champion, so the credentials certainly are there. The rest of the team is completely behind him. “They’ll never know what hit them!” 
Copperhead (5-1) vs. Riptide (6-0)
Loud, forceful “Copperhead” chant, and I can only presume they’re thinking the same thing I am.
Riptide very briefly goes sideways, but recovers; wepper, and Copperhead gets punted onto the upper deck. Copperhead descends and eats another big shot. Then another. Copperhead does another head-on collision which slams it around, then another… 
GAAAAAHHHH!! WEPPER, WEPPER, WEPPER, WEPPER, WEPPER, WEPPER!!! IS THAT ALL YOU INSECT-BRAINS KNOW HOW TO DO??? 
Hahh…sorry, long, frustrating season. Copperhead is now spinning on one wheel. Rose notes that Riptide’s spinner just got split in half. Oh Marisa, it’s official: Riptide’s weapon has stopped. Copperhead, its drum still functional, continues grinding away at Riptide’s front. Now the only question is if it can finish the job…and just as I write this, Riptide shoves Copperhead all over the place…Riptide is inverted! Copperhead hits the wall and its spinner does its job! 
Now Copperhead, with a clear damage advantage, just needs to tack on a little more…Copperhead just righted it. Riptide loses more of the drum…Copperhead lost its right wheel! Goddammit! How many breaks can one freaking bunch of misfits get in one lifetime???
Freaking finally!! I gotta tell ya, no matter how this one shakes out, this was absolutely damning for Luke Quintal. Terrible, terrible look. With a smaller, quicker, tougher bot, he could think of no better strategy than to PLOW STRAIGHT INTO RIPTIDE’S WEAPON OVER AND OVER AND OVER, which this season has repeatedly proven to be complete folly. And when he catches a break and has his foe helpless, does he carefully work his advantage, go for the wheels, run out the clock? NO! He continues running blindly at the most durable part of Riptide (I really wasn’t expecting to bring up Headbutt Man again, really!) and damn near kills his own bot! He had at worst a clean yooner in his hands, and thanks to his trash can lid for brains bungling it’s now a nerve-shredding nail-biter. Oh, look, a splitter, whoda thunk? Winter - Copperhead, Young - Riptide, Davis - Copperhead.
All right, I’m just going to say it (as opposed to my usual practice of keeping everything bottled up ). I would’ve been 100% fine with Felix Jing winning. I know he’s on a team of punks and twits that’s gotten way too much undeserved success, but I judge people as individuals. And he stepped up in the most pressure-packed situation imaginable, stayed completely calm, and fought his heart out. He took advantage of every one of Copperhead’s mistakes and did everything he possibly could to win. It’s one of the most impressive rookie debuts I’ve ever seen on this show. He deserved this more than Quintal, dammit. I had a feeling this match was going to break my heart, but never like this.
Rose points out that the #1, #2, #3, and #4 all went down in quarters, further proving that seeds are for gardeners.
Ribbot (4-3) vs. Sawblaze (6-1)
All right! Highly unfamiliar territory here! Let’s boogie! 
Sawblaze gets a fork under Ribbot’s right front wheel, and they spin in clockwise circles. Lots of clockwise circles. Lots and lots and lots of clockwise circles. 
Jamison Go states the problem as such: “If I stop turning they’re going to hit me.” They slow down a bit…and continue circling. David Jin stammers something I have no idea what. (Rose and Florian really ought to do a “Jin-isms” compilation; it should be interesting.) Something hits a saw notch, and they’re finally separated; I’d call that little dance a wash in the control department. Ribbot’s running around looking for an angle, Sawblaze not providing an easy target. Ribbot gets a shot in passing, but Sawblaze scoops it up on those forks from the left. One chop later…I’m not going to bother digging up that stupid acronym again…the usual happens. Drive to the wall; no further damage, but Ribbot is smoking…and the weapon has stopped. Oh yeah, this is where Go smells blood. Sawblaze puts Ribbot, now smoking really badly, on the upper deck screw and takes another chop. Ribbot drives hard…no, it doesn’t have the muscle, and Sawblaze pushes it back to the wall! Kinda hard to stupidly bumrush when your power source gets banged up, isn’t it? With less than a minute left… And there’s the coffin nail. Go, who suffered little more than scratches to his machine, calmly runs out the clock, knowing that the battle is his. Sawblaze yooner.
Go explains that while the opening dance was pretty, that’s not why he did it. He knew that Ribbot had a powerful spinner and was making very sure that he didn’t take the worst of it. Wow…a driver who respects his opponent’s power and works to avoid damage, what a concept!
And of course, Team Riptide had to stay true to type by challenging the decision, but all this accomplished…you see this coming, don’t you?..was Young reversing his decision, turning a Copperhead splitter into a Copperhead yooner. After Sauriol successfully argued her case in week 9, all other challenges this season have netted a big fat goose egg. That’s pretty big. I’m really tempted to compare this to American Idol somehow.
Copperhead (6-1) vs. Huge (7-0)
Forget it. Copperhead was toast from the opening bell. Just way too beat up from the Riptide match to have a prayer. Wepper, wepper, wepper, right side drive meat, Huge pounces, ballerina, smoke, ballgame.
All right, the finallists.
-Sawblaze- Beat: Hypershock, Lock-jaw, Skorpios, Blip, Monsoon, Minotaur, Ribbot / Lost to: Hydra
-Huge- Beat: Shatter, Blip, Fusion, Starchild, Skorpios, Madcatter, Witch Doctor, Copperhead
… Seriously, I’m almost at a loss for words. How did these two make it this far? The book on beating Huge has been written in stone for at least a season; the idea that it could best even two foes in the tournament, much less four, was absurd. And while Jamison Go is an outstanding driver when his head is in the game (which it regrettably wasn’t against Hydra), I’ve never been impressed by Sawblaze. It can win a bunch of matches, sure, but go the distance? A nice dream, but that was seemingly all it was. And look at them now. I guess I’d say Sawblaze looked better based on strength of opposition, but no way would I ever be so arrogant as to pick a winner.
Huge is switching to the Tegris wheels. Sawblaze has a…plow? The intent is to catch Huge’s weapon. We’ve seen specialized configurations for Huge, but this has to be the most elaborate yet.
Very strange history gets made tonight!
===CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH=== Huge (8-0) vs. Sawblaze (7-1)
Sawblaze rushes straight at Huge and part of that contraption knocks it off balance. Huge gets the first hit which knocks around Sawblaze. And a second. And another one, this one bigger. And a fifth one which definitely took something off. Seriously, does ANYONE have a goddam strategy against this thing?? Sawblaze drives ahead, putting Huge against the wall. It looks like Go’s going after Huge’s weapon belt (as Florian states), but it’s an elusive target. Huge slips away and delivers a couple more shots. They’re not doing heavy damage, but if Sawblaze doesn’t start doing something, it’s finished. Sawblaze finally gets Huge against another wall and takes a shot to the spinner housing. Two more shots which draw sparks. Halfway mark. Sawblaze continues hounding Huge, and it looks like that spinner’s lost some juice. Now it’s on the offensive, chomping away, and Huge is getting pushed around. Sawblaze is shoving around Huge by the wheels, then slipping in to attack, and Huge has no answer. Under a minute to go! Sawblaze gets another hit, and Rose notes a plume of smoke! Two more blows land to the left of the spinner, and now Huge definitely has some dents.
Oh wow. After the first minute, where Sawblaze was basically the world’s most misshapen soccer ball, I was certain that Jonathan Schulz was going to cap off the most ridiculous perfect season in the history of human competition. It’s a testament to Jamison Go’s astounding veteran mettle that he was able to weather the storm and come up with an effective counteroffensive. He has the edge on damage, but not a massive one, and now the question is if he did enough in the latter half to make up for the humiliation in the early going. The Sawblaze camp is already celebrating. And now the judges are going into the box to assess the damage, meaning that this one’s going to be super tight. Someone hugs Schulz and says “We did it, bro. We made it.”
Much time passes.
It’s a…yooner! For Sawblaze! 
Schulz, to his eternal credit, decides not to waste everyone’s time with an appeal. Cut to Florian grilling Schulz in a quiet place. He’s emotional but reiterates that Go fought a better fight and deserved the victory, and he’s grateful to have made it this far. Whoa mama. I am so glad he didn’t give up the sport after last season. 
Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. Jamison Go did it. He freaking did it. One of the classiest, most likable, most deserving personalities in the sport won the Giant Nut. I’m not sure I can even process this level of awesomeness right now.
Final thoughts sometime this week! I gotta learn to breathe again first!
Oh, yes! What a final! Aren’t you glad you came back for it? I was tremendously impressed not only by the quality of the fight but also by the quality of the opposing teams – so much class in losing, AND in winning.
Before I wrap up Sawblaze’s jaw-dropping triumph, I’d like to elaborate a bit on an ongoing peeve I’ve had throughout the season.
- Free Shipping vs. Gigabyte - Glad it’s free, because I sure as hell wouldn’t pay to watch it.
- Big Dill vs. Hijinx - Janky machine beats complete pile of junk.
- Jackpot vs. Skorpios - The softest curbstomp you’ll ever see.
- Shreddit Bro vs. Horizon - Bunch of nothing…WHAMMO! …bunch more nothing.
- Doomba vs. Double Tap - “Double Tap” refers to what it takes to beat Doomba.
- Banshee vs. Valkyrie - Death By As Many As Four Cuts.
- Lucky vs. Kraken - Shades of Royce Gracie choking out that geezer.
- Terrortops vs. Slammo - Slammo rapidly becoming the Brooklyn Brawler of robot combat.
- Ripperoni vs. Hijinx - Janky machine gets reduced to complete pile of junk.
- Ominous vs. Shreddit Bro - Battlebots’ answer to Greco-Roman wrestling.
- Captain Shrederator vs. Jackpot - Jackpot fails to get a knockout! Captain Shrederator just fails!
- Shreddit Bro vs. Lucky - Shreddit Bro somehow manages to look even dumber than usual.
- Dragon King vs. Terrortops - Both rookies prove they’re not ready for two matches, much less four.
- Valkyrie vs. Glitch - Former soaring phenom hits rock bottom.
- Slammo vs. Double Tap - More boring than an American Ninja Warrior profile.
Wow. I didn’t even start noticing until about week 9, but this season’s semi-mains were totally, universally, unequivocally BAAAAAADDD. And I’m not even that all that surprised; any sample that includes stalwarts such as Slammo, Captain Shrederator, and Free Shipping, as well as all but one of the exhibition matches, is guaranteed to produce plenty of clunkers. You’d think that the second to last match would serve as a buildup to the main event…or at least the schedule makers would try to make it that way…and it never came close to happening. What’s especially puzzling is that the openers have been generally good, and at least a couple were great (Week 6’s Ripperoni vs. End Game was an instant classic). It’s as if the schedule makers got a directive to put the best match last and the other six in descending quality starting with the opener. Looking back on it, I really can’t see any better explanation.
So what does this mean? I’m no insider, but I welcome your guesses.
We all know the Riptide crew is going to be back and as annoying as ever. All season long I had the sinking feeling that we’d be getting the second worst case scenario with them (they lose an iffy splitter in the tournament after some one-in-a-million monkey wrench bombshell, meaning they receive zero humility and their bot’s just as strong so we’re going through this exact same crap again next time), and guess what happened. I’d be a reasonably happy man if someone, ANYONE, ANY-FREAKING-ONE AT ALL, started calling out Kurtz on his repulsive attitude…I still can’t believe Rose and Florian never even discussed the constant bleating over having to share Rookie of the Year…but for now I just have to keep my fingers crossed, and I’m resigned to the fact that it’s going to be like that for a very long time.
And just to end on a positive note…hail Sawblaze! 
It is no exaggeration when I say that I never expected this machine to win the Giant Nut. Deep runs, sure, but not the top prize. There was no surprise at the first three Nut winners after seeing how they utterly demolished their foes. (I thought Ray Billings got a little lucky but he was certainly no fluke.) But I simply could not see how that little bitty saw was supposed to do any damage, much less score knockouts. Well, guess what: It turns out that a massive spinner has certain drawbacks, such as potentially damaging its own bot (equal and opposite reaction, remember?), that a small, precise weapon doesn’t. The keys are staying on the move, avoiding the big shots, and hitting them where it hurts. That requires a driver with skills, smarts, and guts, which has proven to be a rare combination. And Jamison Go, after quite a few attempts, did it. He outdrove, outlasted, and outfought everyone all the way to the top. Yeah, you can say the stars aligned for him, and I’d agree (Riptide and Witch Doctor falling in quarters was pretty big). But it’s never enough just to get the chance, you have to make good on it. And Go made sure of it.
Brains won over brawn. Awesome.
So after the hegemony of the big spinners, we’ve had Tantrum and Sawblaze winning in consecutive seasons. Has the tide turned? Is controlled strength and precision now the way to go? Is Quantum poised for a breakthrough? Find out…a very long time from now! (Oh, and there’s another Champions coming up whenever.)
Likewise kudos to HUGE, a personal favorite of mine but I never thought it would be runner-up to the championship, and Ripperoni which IMO is this season’s most promising rookie bot.
And a rousing YEH! What you guys said!
Hey hey HEY!!!
There’s a BattleBots marathon on Discovery today, and TONIGHT! starts a six-week tournament!
WooHoo! Something to watch besides the meltdown in the US House of Representatives!
Although, now that I think about it, there are certain similarities-----
At least the Battlebot crews generally display classy generosity when losing as well as productive intelligence.
I’ve known about this for some time (preview here). My DVR says that “season 8”, but as it’s a special event I don’t have any problem talking about it here. (I’ve really got to get a handle on the timing of these things sometime. I may have to just go by season number.) I heard “Sin City Slugfest” somewhere, so I’m thinking it’s going to follow the same format as the first Champions event.
Full recap Saturday! Time permitting!
Yes, this is the Golden Bolt tournament, with teams working through brackets to the final showdown. And yes, it’s called the “Sin City Slugfest.” There were some good, exciting matches last night.
Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Not sure if we’re doing spoilers but just in case I’ll blur it out
The contest between Evan Arias’s high-testosterone team and Lucy Du’s mostly female crew in the finale added an extra dimension. I was kinda rooting for Valkyrie because female solidarity & all, but it was great to see Evan Arias from the 'hood take his place with all those high priced engineers. One of the better shows.
Yes, indeed! I hope we see both of those teams in future Battlebot series. They both deserve it.
This is going to follow the same format as the first Champions (single elimination for five weeks; winners face three handpicked former champs) except no cheapo ringers in the Sin City Slugfest. That’s all I have for a preview since I’m still a bit wobbly over how season 7 ended.
CHAMPIONS 2 - SCS DAY 1 10/5/23
++ First round ++
Shreddit Bro vs. Skorpios
Swerving at the onset, and they lock up. The usual front-to-front grindfest.
Disengagement, SB goes into a screw, but they’re right back on each other. Skorpios is having trouble finding the mark with its hammer saw, and SB punishes it by knocking it over…and now Skorpios is smoking. I don’t really recall much about its history, but this doesn’t particularly surprise me. Skorpios attempts a pancake offense, but SB quickly regains the initiative. Rose mentions that SB has struck Skorpios’ weapon coupling, and just like that the saw is now a decoration. (Protip: Even if you don’t use your weapon, you’re still going to lose out on damage after it gets wrecked.) SB launches Skorpios to the wall, and it’s definitely garbage o’clock now. Skorpios hangs in there for a little while before accepting its fate.
Uh, Rose, just because Evan Arias put on dark glasses doesn’t mean that you have to regale us with an incredibly old and done to death pun. 
Rotator vs. Terrortops
Terrortops honcho Ben Burton says that Rotator is one of the top 3 bots that he wanted to fight. Given Victor Soto’s penchant for coming back from disappointments by slicing up an overmatched foe, he may not think that much longer.
Rotator get things cooking by slamming into Terrortops’ spinner. Lots of rapid sweeps, followed by…another wepper. 
Y’know, that thing I said about fast bots and weppers for what seems like the fifteenth time. Rotator does a couple sweeping shots which unbalance Terrortops, and its right side drive is now hampered. Shortly before its spinner grinds to a halt. It starts up again, but not before Rotator gets under it and introduces it to the upper deck screws. At this point all Soto needs to do is keep moving the chains until one of the victory conditions falls into his lap. After Terrortops gets its forks tangled up in a clown hammer, it’s all but immobile…which soon becomes plain old immobile. It can still vibrate feebly by thrashing its forks, but that’s not enough for the ref, who declares its time up.
Switchback vs. Kraken
Kraken looks squirrelly as Switchback tries to draw a bead on it. Switchback drives forward and gets Kraken unbalanced. A second hit knocks it over, and while its helpless Switchback sends it inverted over a screw. Oh goddesses, could it end right here? Kraken manages to find the floor but has lost a weapon belt, and with its weapon junked Switchback cheerfully sends it right back up. Florian mentions that since World Championship 4 Matt Spurk has only had 3 fights not go the distance, and take your trivia notes where you can because he certainly doesn’t have anything else. Switchback, which isn’t very strong offensively, can’t do any more damage, and Greg Needel is content to headbutt away and let nature take its course. Father Time does his job as always, and the judges’ first job of this event is a simple one. Switchback yooner. NINE losses in a row for Spurk now. I may have to stop counting soon simply because it’s just so depressing.
Valkyrie vs. Ominous
Much like Rotator, Valkyrie’s been underachieving lately and needs a win over a very beatable opponent to get back on the plus side of the ledger. (Ooh, Valkyrie is -120, in case any gambler on the planet is that much of a freaking degenerate.) They begin with, what else, plenty of frontal jabs. Ominous’ spinner shuts down but starts back up almost immediately. Valkyrie…I hate to sound like a broken record, mainly because most of you are too young to know what that means, but its over-rotating problem has gotten way out of hand. More jousting, and little bits come off of Valkyrie. It carves a little bit off Ominous in response, and ooh, nice combination which sends it back! Rose compares Valkyrie driver Lucy Du to Ray Billings, which I find a tad presumptuous. And more and more and more swerving and more and more and more and more little sho…
WHAM A big wepper sends Ominous spinning across the box…and that’ll do it! One wheel is dead and the other can’t find any purchase! Stoppage, Du takes care of business, and Valkyrie is guaranteed of leaving tonight no worse than .500. Baby steps!
++ Semis ++
Shreddit Bro vs. Switchback
Slow moves by Switchback; stutter-step approach by SB. Grazing shot. The usual header, and SB is flipped backward and there’s a belt on the floor…ooh, it’s Switchback’s. A brief chase later, Switchback is smoking. SB goes for its rear, and literally just like that a big piece of metal is sticking off to the side. And there’s another belt. And Switchback is sent flying. Boy, for some of these machines the downward spiral is an Izuna Drop. SB keeps the pressure on, detaching more and more components. One final blast seals the deal.
Shot of the underside of Switchback saying “bruh”, and if “bruh” means “this machine is not very good”, I agree.
Rotator vs. Valkyrie
Rotator goes on the prowl as Valkyrie keeps its blade centered on its foe. Pass by Rotator and a grazing shot. Head-on, and Rotator gets a nice hit just above the spinner and sends Valkyrie whirling backwards. Rotator bulldozes in, and this one doesn’t go so well as it bounces off, skitters away, and scuffs up the floor. Lots of shots traded…and lots more shots traded…and I’m taking a quick break until something develops. All right…and there it is, a sizable piece coming off of Valkyrie. But now Rotator’s handling is getting shaky…it can’t prevent Valkyrie from going after its back…and…now its left wheel is damaged! A classic battle of attrition; which side is going to run out of vitality first? Valkyrie is sawing furiously but not doing any real damage…it slams into the armored rear plow but just does a harmless leapfrog. Valkyrie saws like a maniac for the remainder of the fight but that plow just won’t come off.
Soto’s “Ugggh!” says it all. It’s a familiar story: looks strong early but either makes a critical blunder or has something break on him and gets dominated for the rest of the match. I honestly thought it would be a pretty easy win for him after taking off Valkyrie’s wheel armor, and Du just completely turned it around in the second half. It’s a yooner, and it’s for…Valkyrie! Damn, Soto looks downright glum.
Rose makes the amazingly trenchant observation that if Shreddit Bro and Valkyrie did this good in season 7, they would have easily made the tournament. Here’s another fun fact: If a dog had horns, I’d command it to butt Rose in the shins for that.
Oh and meanwhile Soto challenge ha ha get a life result stands whaddya expect.
Ooh, season 7 awards! Yes, let’s definitely have these! Excellence in Sportsmanship: Rory Mangles, Monsoon. Most Destructive Robot: Huge. (Given how it looked just one season prior, that’s pretty damn stunning.) Grant Imahara Award For Best Design: Ripperoni. (Very well deserved! ) Founder’s Award: Martin Mason. Eh, it was that kind of season.
++ Final ++
Shreddit Bro vs. Valkyrie
Oh, whaddya know, it’s weppers which send both bots into the distance. Weppers…more weppers…more weppers…upper deck shenanigans…and SB’s spinner has stopped working. The announcers went on a bit about SB’s reliability issue earlier, and it couldn’t have cropped up at a worse time. A couple shots which don’t do much followed by SB smothering Valkyrie and Valkyrie drawing tons of sparks but not being able to deter its foe in any way. They spin in circles for a while. SB muscles Valkyrie into a screw…and it looks like its left side drive is failing. Now it’s extremely lethargic, but remember, total stillness is the standard now. SB goes on something that passes for the attack. The ref is losing patience. SB pushes Valkyrie into the corner, where it merely vibrates around…and there’s the count! [sigh] Valkyrie is one of those perennial heartbreakers that just never wins the big game.
Rose mentions Arias’ first machine, Pain Train, and notes the complete 180 he’s done with Shreddit Bro. He’s a true underdog story, entering Battlebots with no robotics background or major backing. Now he’s heading into the finals of Champions with plenty of momentum and zero expectations. It’s shaping up to be a very nice ’24 for him. Du is just really nice and doing a fantastic job replacing a respected veteran owner, and I wish her nothing but the best going into season 8.
All right! That was a very…workmanlike opening day. Yeah! Workmanlike!
If all the remaining episodes are this entertaining, I’ll be delighted.
Thanks once again for the great play-by-play, @DKW ! I felt kinda sorry for the veterans, Soto & Spurk, but it looks like it’s time for the baton to change hands.
Anytime! Heck, now that I’ve lost interest in American Ninja Warrior, gotta have some passion project, right?
From what I can see, Victor Soto simply isn’t the right driver for Rotator. It’s sleek and powerful, but that power need to be delivered with precision; simply grinding on an armor panel isn’t going to accomplish anything. And once it starts taking damage, it’s a pretty short slippery slope to “That’s a knockout!” Soto puts a lot of pressure on himself and as a result is prone to an inopportune mental error…not fatal with something like Ribbot, Black Dragon, or Copperhead, but with Rotator it’s generally is. Remember that Bounty Hunter match against Bronco, how it won by chopping off a vital component? THAT’S what makes it dangerous. Using it like an undersized Tombstone is generally a losing game.
Matt Spurk needs to find something better to do with his life, and the sooner the better.
There’s now a lot of talk about time in the pit and the repairs that need to be done. I’m not sure why. Was there ever any misconception about these precision machines being impervious to damage or easy to fix? In any case, if everyone involved in the sport really wants it to grow, constantly pointing out how much work it is strikes me as not a great idea. Unless they’ve done a complete 180 on Dave Eaton and decided they don’t want anything to do with scrappy bargain-basement underdogs anymore. Which would be harsh, but given the wholesale crapstorm that was the Rusty saga, I can’t really disagree.
Oh, and oddsmaking, along with Florian’s Key to Victory or whatever, are regular things now. The idea of anyone wagering actual money on these fights still feels so weird to me.
CHAMPIONS 2 - SCS DAY 2
++ First round ++
Blip vs. Black Dragon
The BD camp is stinging after losing their budding claim to fame to the worst owner in the sport and allowing Ribbot to get revenge for season 6, and they need a couple statement wins here to get some positive karma again. The unimpressive Blip should be a good first test. Slow, curving approach to start, and horns are locked. Blip surges forward (didn’t think that it’d have the edge in torque) and fires with the flipper…and BD flips back a bit, maybe two feet of clearance. Blip has BD trapped on a corner wall, neither weapon in position to strike, and after well under 20 seconds, Blip disengages. BD goes on the attack, swooping for an angle, and finally makes solid contact, sending Blip airborne. The eggbeater spinner stops but quickly restarts. Another lockup. And Blip catches on fire. Yeah, I’m calling that the “beginning of the end” moment. BD stupidly climbs right on the flipper and stays there for a couple seconds (What the hell are you doing, posing? ), but Blip’s free shot barely gets BD off the ground. BD is inverted, but the driver does a pretty gyro-turn to get righted (which was so smooth that I’m certain he must have practiced it a lot). Blip’s flipper now has a little bit sticking up, and Blip has drive trouble. Blip does get two more little jabs, but these only delay the inevitable. Eventually BD catch’s Blip’s rear, to which someone on the BD box pounds the window and bellows “Awoolah!” and as always it’s a toss-up as to whether it’s the audio or someone’s brain that’s garbled. BD’s spinner can’t quite reach, but it’s moot as Blip meekly dies unassisted.
Madcatter vs. Bloodsport
Before the match, Florian declares about Bloodsport, “It can win the whole tournament, or it can get knocked out on 30 seconds.” These words would turn out to be ominous as Bloodsport takes one big swing at Madcatter’s front, smashes itself into the corner, and completely craps out. Anytime break-fist-face actually works against your bot, you are in a deep, deep hole.
Malice vs. Hijinx
Bunny Sauriol and Jen Herchenroeder are the grand dames of Battlebots, which doesn’t mean much, but I rarely get the chance to say “grand dame” so I’m going with it. Malice has the edge in pretty much every metric you care to name, so I’m just hoping this’ll be something of a contest. Rose mentions that the Malice’s driver is Sauriol’s husband David Lau and Hijinx is driven by Ryan Beech, facts I’m including here in case they prove useful later.
Malice spins up much faster and attacks Hijinx’s spinner before it can get cranking. It goes after Hijinx’s end, and a bit of the right tire goes flying off. (Didn’t think anyone went for the wheels anymore!) Hijinx counterstrikes but only spins Malice around a bit. Malice takes a big chunk out of the left tire. A nice hit which spins Hijinx away. Hijinx takes one more shot at the right tire, and now its weapon is stuck in the floor, where it remains to the end. That’s life.
As an aside, Rose and Florian, in discussing Malice construction, used the term “Malice’s nuts” on two distinct occasions and did not make any attempt at a cheap joke. No kidding, 100% straight! I have to admit, they can be real professionals when they want to be.
Fusion vs. Whiplash
Fusion top dog Reese Ewert sounds downright lifeless in his prematch comments. “The best way to not start a fire is to not take damage. Better yet would be to hit them with your weapon so they’re the ones getting beat up.” Anytime anyone turns to the John Madden playbook, it’s a troubling sign, and it goes from bad to execrable when he admits that he’s a bad driver and put two weapons on his bot to make up for it. Yuh-ikes. Last season I got the distinct feeling that he’s sick and tired of getting his butt kicked, and I have the feeling that the pit is only going to get deeper and darker.
Whiplash is going without its vertical spinner; it’s strictly a lifter. Questionable decision IMO, but we’ve seen this bot pull off upsets before.
Whiplash begins with the Mindless Berserker Full Burner Frontal Assault, which I actually think is a good idea against the notoriously shaky Fusion. Whiplash flips Fusion over… Crap, already? Fusion makes a run for it, but Whiplash casually herds it into a corner and hangs it on a wall, it can’t get off, stoppage.
Ewert sounds more deflated than ever. “Back home I go.” Seriously, there is no joy for him in this sport anymore.
That first round reminded me of MLB’s. Seriously, was the schedule maker on point tonight or what? The four weakest bots all get shown the door in short order. You can only dream of this kind of justice in American Ninja Warrior, folks.
++ Semis ++
Madcatter vs. Black Dragon
Head-to-head; Madcatter wins the first exchange, sending BD spinning up and down. Madcatter tries to muscle BD on the upper deck but loses the handle. Madcatter muscles BD into the corner; not much comes of it. Break, maneuvering battle. A couple of passes, and another ineffectual wall slam by Madcatter. Flurry of punches exchanged. Uh oh, it looks like Madcatter’s spinner is down. It briefly does a handstand but gets the rubber side down…and is getting handled by BD. Not big hits, but persistent and taking their toll. It continues like that for a while; Madcatter isn’t badly banged up but clearly taking the worst of it. The spinner fires up again, but weakly, and BD continues to carve bits off of its foe.
Add “Huaahh! Gwobbo!” to whasisface’s battle cry collection. Not much question about it: yooner Black Dragon.
As an aside (yes, there were two tonight 
), Martin Mason is different now. He’s still overexcited but not overtly obnoxious to opposing teams; he sounds kind of like a monster truck show announcer. Guess he was as tired of the stupid heel schtick as I was. I found that I could actually listen to the man tonight. Good on him.
Malice vs. Whiplash
Prefight infographic showing the most all-time wins, Witch Doctor with 29 and Sawblaze and Whiplash tied at 25. Of course I’d say quality of competition needs to be a factor in any power ranking (those still exist, right?), but it’s pretty remarkable to see Whiplash, a bot I still don’t see what it even has going for it, that high up.
Whiplash runs up against Malice’s spinner, the impact knocking Malice back. Whiplash runs Malice into one wall, then a second. Malice is trapped in the corner and get a couple humiliation bumps from a clown hammer. And another forceful wall slam. Malice cranks away at Whiplash’s front, which Florian notes isn’t having any real effect. And a lift by Whiplash. Oh no, Malice briefly catches Whiplash’s back…and nothing comes of it. Malice gets vertical, and now it’s inverted; it can move like this but its weapon and forks are both high. Whiplash puts Malice on a screw…then on a wall…and Malice’s wheels are touching nothing but air. Pretty finish!
++ Final ++
Black Dragon vs. Whiplash
Whiplash has the spinner for this match. One thing about Mati Vasquez, he’s always thinking on his feet. The announcers mention that Whiplash has won this matchup the last 2 times.
Lockup, grazing shots, both spinners kept at bay by the machines’ forks. Whiplash gains the upper wheel and advances. Another advance and Whiplash gets under its foe, drawing a few sparks. Now BD gets under and takes a bite. Lockup again. BD’s spinner is turning off and on; is the merciless pace of Champions getting to it? More pushing, and BD goes after Whiplash’s forks. Whiplash slips free and makes a run for it. Shots traded, and Whiplash bowls BD over. An inverted BD has no ground defense, and Whiplash immediately presses its advantage. BD tries another gyro-righting but Whiplash stuffs it. Finally BD is knocked over, and they tie up again. Whiplash is suddenly on its heels and getting dragged around the box by BD. Wall slam! BD backs off, but Whiplash’s right side drive is nearly out. With less than 15 seconds left, now’s the time…BD’s spinner has stopped! Rose notes that this will be huge as the last seconds tick away.
Tough call. I like Black Dragon a little more, but this is going to be majorly tight no matter what. And…it’s…a yooner for Whiplash! (6-5 across the board, for the record.)
Black Dragon boss Julio Cortez tries to smile it off, but you know he has to be steaming inside. (He did file an appeal, but you know that was never going anywhere.) A third loss in a row, and in a fight where it was doing damage and looking in control for longer. Seriously, what’s it going to take? All things considered, 2-1 is an okay outing, but this bot is never going to be at title contender until it can hold it together for a whole tournament.
Moving right along! This is shaping up to be a pretty good event!