Battlebots '23

[DKW]

Season enders! Hearts are going to get broken! Among other things!

PRELIMS DAY 12 4/6/23

Lock-jaw (2-1) vs. Madcatter (2-1)
Per usual, no more time or decibels spent on Martin Mason than absolutely required. Madcatter zips by Lock-Jaw but does a quick 180, and they meet head on; some sparks. A green thing gets punted. They lock up briefly before Madcatter chucks Lock-jaw back. More front-against-front action, and green metal goes skipping. Madcatter sizes the offensive and dose some damage to Lock-Jaw’s right front tire…but Lock-jaw fires right back, sending Madcatter across the rail. When two drivers want a slugfest, nothing’s gonna stop them! And now Madcatter’s left side drive is on death’s door. Now, does Donald Hutson remember what to do with a wounded animal? (Does anyone?)

Lock-jaw, that RF tire now hanging by a thread, goes after Madcatter’s rear but can’t make contact with anything and meekly backs off. Madcatter backs up against the upper deck screw. Lock-jaw tries to go after the right, knocks off Madcatter’s right fork, then backs off again. It goes for the right side and again can’t find anything. Madcatter limps off the screw. Lock-jaw attacks the rear…again nothing! Hutson got to where he is because he could finish the damn job; I can’t imagine how frustrating this has to be for him.

Oh crap…Madcatter finds a burst of life, charges straight ahead, and knocks Lock-jaw over. A pretty impressive IMO bit of breakdancing later, it somehow manages to right, but winning just became a much dicier proposition. Mason gives an appreciative “Nicely done, Donald!” but it might not…

…Madcatter isn’t moving! With the clock winding down…it’s a stoppage! A spectacular clutch win for a likable veteran who couldn’t deserve it more. We’re off to a smashing start tonight!

Gruff (1-2) vs. Malice (2-1)
Not really sure what to say about this one. Two lower second-tierers of questionable durability, one struggling, one which got a couple fortuitous coin flips, neither of which is going to make much noise in the tournament if it makes it. Lessee…little hits from Malice…Rose flogs that goddam dead horse about the sign …Gruff puts Malice on the upper deck, woo hoo, can it get off oh it just did …lotsa fire…Gruff’s right side drive is whacked…Malice goes for the rear…Gruff is going to lose, only question is how…ref out of patience, count, stoppage. Well done, Bunny Sauriol. Now please put on a mask, because if that’s how loud and irritating you get when you’re not screaming directly into the camera, you definitely need one.

Little puff piece on Claw Viper.

Doomba vs. Dragon King
The hapless undercutter-chainsaw fighting Roomba which we first saw on day 5 gets an unexpected shot at redemption. Dragon King has a clamping jaw, a pair of saws, and tank-style treads, plus its weapon arm can pivot like Switchback’s. The smorgasbord approach to design tends to be ineffective, as we’ve seen with the likes of Defender and Triple Crown; here’s hoping they can at least give us an entertaining match.

Doomba kicks things off by blundering into an upper deck screw. DK goes on the attack, by which I mean nuzzles up to Doomba’s side and bites on air. Finally it gets an incredibly weak-looking hold, which it relinquishes almost immediately, and its saw gets into the action and scuffs Doomba’s paint a little. DK goes for another bite, and this time Doomba fires back with the saw, which might have scratched DK slightly. Yeah, I’d say that right now the Double Tap crew is enjoying this far more than I am. DK’s saws carve away and make a whole lot of annoying noise (though still less grating than Bunny Sauriol) Doomba ends up under a clown hammer, which descends and…oh good goddess…knocks a piece of it off, and any time a bot TAKES ACTUAL FREAKING DAMAGE FROM A FREAKING BOX HAZARD, you know it’s complete garbage. Doomba somehow manages to gets its chainsaw against one of DK’s exposed saw belts and cut it off, which constitutes the pinnacle of the damage it’s capable of inflicting. The rest of the match is like that really bad house show you’ve been trying to forget. DK takes it by the score of “What are you doing?” to “Never mind what you’re doing, just don’t make us watch any more of it!”

More rah-rah about Claw Viper, and yes, I am most definitely getting tired of it.

Claw Viper (3-0) vs. Hypershock (1-2)
The fasty fast-fast machine against the machine that packs a heavy punch so long as it doesn’t get inverted. A potential classic in the making. I think.

Claw Viper zips around. Hypershock draw a bead on it. They meet, and CV is tossed to the upper deck rail. It manages to avoid a follow-up shot and rights. Hypershock delivers another hit which sends CV flipping to a side wall, then wrangles it over a screw and takes another shot. CV climbs off the wall and seems to have slowed down. Considerably. Hypershock gets right back on it and bullies it under a clown hammer; CV spins away but Hypershock pursues and takes another bite. Hypershock sends CV sailing again and nailing it again before it can right. It does manage to right in the corner but Hypershock is there to dish out more pain. Oh, geez…CV’s claw is now completely mangled, and it can barely inch back and forth. Maybe it can beat the count, maybe not, but either way it’s hosed. The count starts, and the count ends. Shot of Kevin Wilczewski, who is definitely not whooping it up now.

Oh man. Just so we’re clear, I never bought the Claw Viper hype. It’s great at zipping around and putting the opponent in awkward positions, and that’s it. It’s not designed to defeat its opponent so much as make the opponent take itself out. And so long as it gets opponents who fall for that, it’s unstoppable. But pit it against a bot that can actually do damage and a veteran driver who stays calm, reacts quickly, and keeps the pressure on, and it’s helpless.

Will Bales is pretty smarmy in victory (apparently he was annoyed at Florian’s cheerleading for CV), which I’m not a fan of, of course, but he’s way more tolerable than Wilczewski so I’ll let it slide.

Free Shipping (1-2) vs. Big Dill (0-3)
End Game’s Nick Mabey in the booth for this one, and I sincerely hope that he at least had a reason. Not much to say about this one…neither driver has any confidence in his machine, so the match is pretty much just two big pieces of metal repeatedly slamming into each other full-tilt and hoping the other craps out first. It ends when Free Shipping gets planted under a clown hammer and stays there. Cool, BD winning means that we’re done having to hear about either machine anymore this year. Oh, and Mabey said some stuff.

Preview of the Hydra/Sawblaze main event. Ooh, ground game.

Shreddit Bro (1-1) vs. Lucky (2-0)
Golly gosh, how ever did this duo end up in the semi-main? Florian laments that Lucky’s been beating easy opposition, and I doubt that this is going to change tonight. Rose mentions that Lucky is 0-4 against drum spinners, which I guess could be an attempt at a reverse jinx, but it seems unnecessary in this case.

Lucky goes straight at SB, which can’t seem to get its drum working. Lucky flips…which sorta tips SB over. Roughhousing in the corner. Lucky gets locked up with SB…still locked up…still locked up…and…SB slips away. Lucky pursues. Shot of the Lucky camp, which looks upset. Lucky loses its target again. Rose crows about how Lucky is “very patient, very deliberate” (), and every time you hear that you know the deliberator in question is completely lost. Lucky fires, and again sorta just tips SB over, this time onto a screw. And again…

…and SB is trapped between the screw and the wall. The screws reverse but are unable to eject SB…and it gets wedged completely in! Geez, I never thought SB was any good, but that is a pitiful way to lose.

A peek into the Claw Viper garage. It’s looking bad. Very bad. Wilczewski: “We took a lot of damage. Stuff got hit that’s not supposed to get hit…We’ve damaged all three copies of some of the pieces, and they’re not designed to be repaired.” Wow. Going into tonight he was quite possibly the biggest loudmouth in the sport (and given the presence of Ethan Kurtz, Martin Mason, and Bunny Sauriol, that’s saying a lot), and right now he sounded downright subdued. Now, there is no reality TV moment I cherish more than an irritating windbag getting all his bluster and arrogance shoved right back down his throat, but seeing the aftermath of that…it’s downright sobering.

Main event - Hydra (2-1) vs. Sawblaze (3-0)
Jake Ewert and Jameson Go. Two men who need no introduction, which is fortunate as these recaps are way long as it is.

Sawblaze charges out, hesitates, and says the heck with it and drives right onto Hydra’s flipper (Yeah, nice ground game there, Go. ), which flips it the same height as a rather large pancake. A second flip resulting in an aggressive wheelie. Sawblaze is tentative now, jockeying for an opening, while Hydra turns to its tried-and-true “turret” strategy. (Okay, so it didn’t work against Tantrum when it mattered, nobody’s freaking perfect. ) Tantrum gives Sawblaze a little more air, then a fourth flip which misses. Sawblaze maneuvers, slips, slides, shuffles, all while Hydra tracks it. Sawblaze…runs into Hydra’s flipper again, and this time goes for a ride. And a second. Y’know, I really don’t see the point of being patient and working for an opening if that just means you take slightly longer to do exactly what the opponent wants. Now Sawblaze has lost a fork and its left side drive appears to be compromised. Hydra slips to Sawblaze’s back and gets a couple more flips. Sawblaze can still right but is foundering badly. Oh, look, Florian bleats that “Sawblaze can rack up a lot of damage in a hurry”, and anytime you hear the horse race narrative, it’s the beginning of the end.

Oh, oh, Sawblaze has Hydra on a fork! A brief do-si-do later, it’s off…but now Sawblaze has a shot lined up…but can’t get close enough to use the saw. And Hydra goes to work with its flipper again. Hydra…gets up on Sawblaze’s forks! Ewert’s first mistake of the match! Sawblaze fires…and y’know, that saw doesn’t really do a whole lot of damage, haven’t you noticed? And Hydra flips its annoying foe away again. And that is just about that. Sawblaze gets one more hit in before Hydra leaves it inverted, and it’s much too weak to right anymore. The count begins. The count…

Hydra flips it again. Geez…okay, I get that this was a personal vendetta against Jameson Go and not something he’s going to do every match. But honest to Reimu, I really do not want Battlebots to get known for completely classless moves like this. There’s enough of this garbage in NASCAR. Hydra yooner, whatever.

Hmm, no challenges for two days. Guess everyone wised up pretty quickly.

In all a pretty fun night, but I didn’t see any championship favorites. Claw Viper was exposed, and Hydra and Sawblaze are going to have to catch a LOT of breaks to have any chance. There are still three days to go in the season, so there’s time for the true front-runners to emerge.

And I’m all caught up! Seriously, writing about Battlebots is so much fun! Same time next week.

[Gatopescado]

Doomba (Dumba) looks like it was designed by a 9-year-old, thinking “What would be the Scariest Thing you can think of?” as the plan. Clearly not by someone who as actually used a chainsaw in the real world.

I love how the big hammer busted it up and actually knocked the battery right out of the saw. Game over, Son.

[DKW]

Copperhead anchoring its team leadership and going on a tear! Ripperoni touted as a Nut contender in its rookie season! Quantum chasing perfection! Stretch run hype: catch it! Because you’re sure as hell not getting it from the 1-2 soup here tonight!

PRELIMS DAY 13 4/13/23

Emulsifier (1-2) vs. Quantum (3-0)
If nothing else, Quantum has proven that it can dominate unreliable or limited bots, so it should have no trouble capping a lackluster perfect rookie season against Emulsifier.

Emulsifier actually gets a lucky shot right off the bat, knocking off one of Quantum’s teeth. Quantum easily manages to get the other clamped onto Emulsifier’s right tread, and they spin around. Quantum shoves Emulsifier all the way to the rail…and the other tooth is gone…but it still manages to take off one of Emulsifier’s armor panels in the process. The now-toothless Quantum proceeds to clamp down and introduce Emulsifier to most of the box, during which Emulsifier gets nothing but a few grazes. And just like that, Emulsifier comes to a halt. The count starts…and Emulsifier springs to life at 2! AND GETS A HIT WHICH BRIEFLY LIFTS QUANTUM OFF THE GROUND and promptly gets swallowed up again…and comes to a halt again. Amazingly the clock runs out before Emulsifier gets knocked out…an extremely rare case of a bot being saved by the bell; I think this is the first time I’ve actually seen it…but I doubt it’s going to be enough for an upset bid. It’s a yooner, and it’s for Quantum. Woo relatively hoo. Emulsifier just looked completely unremarkable all season, a very poor man’s End Game. Maybe it lingers for one more season, but it’s just so ordinary that I wouldn’t be surprised if we never saw it again.

“Thankfully it’s come out in one piece.” That’s the level of confidence Team Quantum has, which kinda says it all right there.

Gigabyte (1-2) vs. End Game (2-1)
Given what each bot is capable of, I can’t say I like Gigabyte’s chan [Bap bam BANG whap bap KABLAM ] crap.

Man, nothing is going right for Gigabyte lately. Ever since its unlikely triumph at Bounty Hunters (which Rose made sure that we didn’t forget), it has gone 1-5. The driver change has not worked out at all, and opponents have learned that as long as they keep delivering the hits, it doesn’t stand a chance. With Captain Shrederator out or at least very close to it, ’23 could very well be the swan song for full body spinners. Which would be a shame, as they really are fun to watch.

Shreddit Bro (1-2) vs. Overhaul (1-2)
The bots slowly approach. As they meet, SB runs up onto Overhaul’s front forks, allowing it to take it by the left front wheel, lift it, and…put it back down. Then it gets a second hold and sorta drops it. Then it gets a more secure hold on the front, does a couple of bench presses with some ballet stuff thrown in, then lifts it straight up and…drops it not very gently on the rail. This has to be humiliating for the SB camp…being completely dominated despite not taking any damage whatsoever usually is. (Florian’s assessment of “a puppy with a new toy” was completely on the mark.) Shot of Guan looking…like a statute, pretty much. SB tries to get something going and ends up driving its spinner right into the upper deck wall, knocking it around. Overhaul capitalizes on its foe’s stupid blunder by placing its foe on the same wall with all the energy of a housekeeper setting a carpet. A little pancake-flip and more low-level gymnastics. Overhaul drops its foe and retreats! SB rushes in…a hit…which mostly just knocks it around. Guan: “Don’t hamber me!” Ooh, so close to coherent. SB does manage to turn it around somewhat, knocking Overhaul around a few times, and I’d feel much better about its chances if I could see any actual blipping damage.

Not sure why anyone’s surprised this ended up a splitter; this was a “made it way closer than it had to be” fight if there ever was one. Davis - Overhaul, Winter - Shreddit Bro, Young - Shreddit Bro.

SB honcho Evan Arias thinks he’s a Nut contender, which means that he either has serious delusions of grandeur or is trying to come across like he does (which of course is just as bad). I’m not sure whether I want this team to be left out in the cold and cry into their beer all offseason or to squeak into the tournament and get absolutely flattened; honestly, either would be fine. As for Charles Guan…haah. I hate to say this, but he looks like a prime example of why nice guys don’t belong in sports. I’m just not seeing the fighting spirit and focus a driver absolutely needs to be successful. Furthermore, while he’s usually strong at the start of the match, he can’t keep it up for three minutes, and since Overhaul isn’t designed for quick knockouts, that’s a big liability.

Rotator (1-2) vs. Fusion (1-2)
Victor Soto leads things off with the forks end; Reese Ewert with the drum side. They meet. Fusion spins around, sending the horizontal right into the forks, major collision, and Fusion is sent flying toward the corner. Both machines are now inverted. Rotator advances with the spinner toward Fusion’s spinner. Small wepper and some spinning around. And a second which leaves a chunk of steel on the floor; not sure whose. Rotator escapes the corner and pursues; its spinner is still going full speed while Fusion’s horizontal seems to be down. Rotator puts the forks against Fusion’s vertical; a few ticks. The vertical powers down and the horizontal starts up. Ewert blathers “Come on, Victor…come on,” which I’m sure will be every bit as effective as I expect. It looks like Fusion’s left side drive is toast. Ooh, “Thermal Cam”! Technology is cool! And the fire that just broke out inside Fusion is also an indication that its eternal albatross hasn’t gone away! Florian says it best: “Oh my god, no, oh, the fire! Here we go again!” A few seconds later, Fusion’s other wheel runs out of motivation. I remember the INDESTRUCTIBLE (well, for a while) Duck, how if the opponent kept up a steady attack for three minutes and didn’t blow itself up, Duck was absolutely powerless to win. Fusion has the inverse problem; as long as the opponent can take a hit, all it has to do is stay in it until Fusion obligingly blows itself up.

Soto looks reasonably satisfied at reaching .500. Ewert looks…beaten. He listlessly jokes about a homeless man offering him money. He tries to put on a good face about his tournament chances, but it’s plainly obvious that he’s not buying it and just wants to get out of here and put this lousy season behind him.

Skorpios (2-1) vs. Ribbot (0-3)
I can’t point to any one reason for Ribbot’s complete ineptitude this season. Bad design choices, bad strategy, bad driving, bad luck, it’s really a little of everything. The driver has the look of someone who just wants to get the season the hell over with. Skorpios is back to its proper saw arm; Ribbot has the vertical spinner.

The meet head-on. Ribbot’s spinner is too short to contact Skorpios, which shoves it all the way to the wall. Scorpios drops the saw right on Ribbot’s spinner, drawing plenty of sparks. Skorpios puts Ribbot in the corner and draws some more sparks. Suddenly it loses the handle and cranks on Skorpios’ underside; it gets away but now it’s back is to the wall. A brief dance later, Skorpios shoves Ribbot out of the corner, but now its weapon chain is dragging uselessly on the floor. Ribbot slips away and takers Skorpios’ side again, carving it from below. Skorpios tries to bully its way out but gets upended against the wall and takes another sanding. Ribbot hasn’t done any real damage, but if Skorpios keeps allowing itself to get abused like this, it’s finished. As the action leaves the corner…oh, there it is; Skorpios’ left tire is chewed up and it’s still getting handled. Skorpios drive has weakened, it’s not pushing its opponent around anymore, that left tire looks really bad, and…and…and it’s stopped! Ribbot wins! Ribbot wins! Any time a team avoids the dreaded winless season, that’s a positive in my book; no competitor should ever be completely without hope.

David Jin continues to hold out blind faith that the one thing that went right for him this season will be enough to barely get into the tournament. On the other side, this has to be a pretty deflating moment for Zach Lytle, following two dominant wins with an embarrassing blunder and getting run into the ground by a winless team. At this point he should consider himself fortunate to finish the season .500, however it happens.

Preview of the Copperhead/Ripperoni main event. Expect big hits.

Dragon King vs. Terrortops
Two rookies which won their first matches in convincing fashion meet for…2-0 Lots-of-Momentum-Into-Season-8-Supremacy-Status, I guess.

After some hesitation, they meet head-on. Some jousting. Some maneuvering. Some more jousting and maneuvering. Rose explains why they’re here. All those weirdly-placed parts make it tough to see exactly what’s going on, unfortunately. Dancing around. DK takes out a couple of Terrortops’ flimsy cosmetic ribs. More dancing around. And Terrortops gets its spinner on DK’s left tread, taking it completely out, and what I thought was going to be a boring stalemate has turned into a boring execution…except that Terrortops’ spinner just crapped out. I really hate it when a match comes down to which pile of garbage manages to be marginally less garbagopilitory. Terrortops starts suplexin’ away while DK switches to its spin-in-place attack, which is a questionable move given how much misfortune it’s already absorbed. And more ineffectual futzing around until the crowd counts down the final seconds, clearly as desperate for this to be over as I am. This one’s obviously going to be a Terrortops yooner, which it is. All right, looks like pretty soon we can look forward to a red-hot rookie stepping up to real competition and not winning too often!

Preview of the main event. Rose: “A lot of folks think that Ripperoni has locked up the Rookie of the Year award, but are we getting ahead of ourselves in declaring this team a Giant Nut contender?” If I were there, I would grab him by the shoulders, get right in his face, and say…“Uh, yeah. It’s way too soon. Let’s have a little patience.” (I mean, no need to raise my voice if he’s right in front of me. )

Sneak preview of next week’s main event, Riptide vs. Black Dragon.

Copperhead, once derided as a “trash can lid”, seems to be completely dialed in now. If it can keep up this momentum, it’ll be just the second bot to go 4-0 this season and a clear Nut favorite. Ripperoni, with one more win, can cement a winning rookie season, a rare feat (especially with the kind of schedule they’ve had), but it might take the fight of the year to pull it off.

Main event - Copperhead (3-0) vs. Ripperoni (2-1)
Here we go! Ripperoni…almost immediately catches Copperhead’s back and drives it into the wall! It gets one sizable hit, the a second which sends it recoiling backward. Something’s already come off of Copperhead…and it’s inverted and having trouble moving. Ripperoni rushes in and delivers another big shot from behind. And…Copperhead…is not moving…and oh you know how this story goes. I know that the Copperhead crew wanted to avoid weppers (because, uh, Rose said so), but given its lackluster speed, turning its back was just a really bad decision.

You know how a sports franchise does something stupid or ridiculous for no particular reason, and THAT’S the season every single die comes up 20 and the team plays 10 miles above its head and wins the championship, and as a result the stupid/ridiculous thing that should have been fleeting becomes a titanic albatross for the entire league for years afterward? The Rally Monkey, Fly Eagles Fly, that sort of thing? I’m getting the same vibe from this whole “pizza shop” schtick. I mean, if it was just a bot with a cute gimmick, that wouldn’t be any big deal; heck, that’s the whole reason some of these teams want to do this at all. But they have full costumes, props which look like they took a while to make, and the whole it-za-me act. And now that they’ve all but locked up Rookie of the Year, it could be very hard to go back on all that. Anyway, I hope it isn’t, because there’s an excellent chance there will be a point where they’re tired of all the window dressing and theatrics and just want to be a strong team focused on winning, and at that point the fans, the announcers, the brass, and the other teams just have to accept it.

Copperhead? It’s a glass cannon, and that’s ultimately what’s going to prevent it from winning the Nut. You can’t just dish it out, you have to be able to take it, a lesson even Ray Billings eventually learned. It’s like the Los Angeles Clippers: It can dominate the early going, but at some point it always meets its match. Should provide some fun in the tournament, as always, but I’m not expecting more than that.

Well, the machines that should have won did, and I learned quite a bit. Is that worth a thumbs up? Mmm…aw heck, I say it does!

[DKW]

[Looks over card] Looks like the homestretch is going to be fairly predictable, but there’s definitely one match I’m desperately hoping for an upset.

PRELIMS DAY 14 4/20/23

The show begins with a shot of the “NO KNOCKOUT STREAK” board, where Bite Force is still on top at 25, with Black Dragon at 24, Rotator at 17, and End Game and Tombstone at 15 each. It’s mostly a trivia note, of course (kind of like that record Scott Skiles has), because a large part of it is who the opponents are, but it’s always thrilling to see a dedicated team make a run at history. BD gets the main event today.

And then Ethan Kurtz, who’s guaranteeing a knockout. Y’know, I didn’t expect him to be the most colossal jerk in the sport that quickly. Oh, Huge is here too.

Starchild (0-3) vs. Huge (3-0)
Wow, I can tell that the schedule makers thought this clash of the titans would be much more even match. Huge is a simply a better machine, plain and simple. For Starchild, simply going the distance could be a victory.

Huge goes right and Starchild slides on in. Huge goes on the attack, knocking Starchild back, which tries to fire back with its pivot saw. And fails to find much of anything. Huge drives Starchild all the way to the corner and removes a chunk of green metal. Starchild manages to slip away, but Huge takes another bite. Starchild thrashes back and forth, looking much like a cross between an even less effective Switchback and an even less effective Shatter. Huge easily evades the bad Inspector Willoughby impression and carves off a few mores scraps. Huge gives a shot to the wheels which completely upends Starchild, and…I’m not going to insult your intelligence by pretending that you don’t know how the rest of this match is going to go. Starchild upended on its one good-ish wheel, but with too little time left to count it out, and someone consoles the driver with “Three minutes. We did it.”

Huge is in the tournament. No one should’ve expected any more (or less) than that. As for Starchild, I’m thinking that its future hinges on its entertainment value. Gotta admit, it looked pretty funny drunkenly stumbling all over the place in its last two fights; I just doubt that novelty lasts beyond a second season.

Ominous (1-2) vs. Shatter (0-3)
Gods, listen to the spin job the announcers are doing here. “Shocking” that Shatter is winless. “Should have” beaten Ominous. Huge and Beta being “very strong opponents”. You can tell which bots are the league’s favorites, although if Shatter keeps swinging at ghosts that might not last much longer.

Both omniwheel-equipped bots glide across the box. They meet head on, Ominous’ little spinner unable to reach anything on Shatter’s front. Shatter swings and makes a little dent in Ominous’ armor panel. Shatter shoves Ominous all the way to the corner and gets another little hit, but it gets hung up on the wall, and Ominous takes its first piece. Shot of the Shatter camp, where Adam Wrigley gives an energetic “Hey!” Florian points out that it’s much easier for Shatter to land shots when it has its opponent trapped, and just then it whiffs, then sticks the hammer into the glass enclosure. Ah, the announcer jinx, or in Shatter’s case the announcer absolute inevitability. Shatter just lost its left fork. Another powerful miss, and Ominous slaps it back again. Oh, oh, the hammer’s in the armor panel…and SHATTER RIPS IT CLEAN OFF! SHATTER JUST and it’s flapping wildly in the corner trying to get it off. Ominous fails to capitalize on a pretty long period of total helpless, and the battle trickles out of the corner. Ominous has taken some damage, so it can’t get lazy. Both bots float around for an unsettling amount of time. Ominous is doing nothing, nothing, I tell you. That weapon is just whirring uselessly. Shatter sticks the hammer in the floor a couple times. Back to the corner, and two more holes in the floor, followed by a wallbanger. OOH, shot to the weapon, and that slowed it down! It can barely…it just casually flicked off Shatter’s other spinner.

Freaking finally. Let’s just get this over with: Yooner Shatter. And with that, we don’t have to see either of these clunkers for another year.

Big hype piece on Black Dragon, which has been 16-8 (66.7%) in its last 24 matches and has not been knocked out the whole time. A couple facts about its tough wheels and fire-containing compartments.

Triton (1-2) vs. Horizon (1-2)
Lessee, what’s the deal with these two…oh, right, Florian just said “mobility issues”, and that’s definitely on display right now. Lotsa turning and tapping and turning and tapping and…ooh, Horizon just got spun around…turning and tapping and turning and tapping and…Horizon’s down a spinner, Triton most of its left side drive, making them both even more ineffectual. Call it! Double crabout, double limpout, or double whateverout? And just as I write that, Horizon’s just stopped moving. That spinner still spins like a spinny spinniac, but the body isn’t going anywhere…and…it’s a stoppage. Enjoy the offseason, guys.

Bloodsport (2-1) vs. Beta (2-1)
Beta still with the spatula attachment. Shot of Bloodsport’s telemetry system.

Bloodsport takes a lot of chips at Beta’s wedge which do little more than make noise. Beta runs up Bloodsport against the wall, then takes its first swing, which misses (it’s kind of like a ceremonial first pitch, y’know?). Beta hounds Bloodsport into the corner, but it quickly escapes. Bloodsport continues chopping at that wedge and failing to do anything. Beta has it against the upper deck…and on it. Bloodsport has trouble descending, and Beta takes two shots that make a pretty ringing sound. Some label or something fell off of Beta. Beta wall-slams Bloodsport again, and takes a nice swing that’s only a bit short. Beta pins Bloodsport against the upper deck…and THERE’S A PAIR OF HITS that do zero damage Per my usual procedure with these slogs, I’m going to save some wear on my keyboard by passively watching for a while.

Well, no doubt about this one. Bloodsport looked like a complete chump out there, getting dictated from start to finish and taking far more damage that it should be possible to do with a child’s toy. Justin Marple: “Our drive was like, half power the whole time. Their drive was so fast; they didn’t make mistakes.” Wow. Damning. I always find it so crushing to see a team owner admit his inferiority. Yooner Beta. They do what they do.

Mammoth (1-2) vs. Kraken (0-3)
In a word, bleah. In four words, bleah, ack, blarg, yuck. For all of Rose’s talk about parity, there never seems to be quite enough of it. Lots of head-on collisions, and Kraken actually able to bend the club a bit, but eventually it gets pinned in the corner and upended, and all that’s left is to get repeatedly kicked around like an extremely heavy and misshapen soccer ball and lose its weapon. Mammoth, of course, doesn’t have anything on the same continent as knockout power, but with Kraken almost completely powerless to do anything it hardly matters. Yooner Mammoth. That’s EIGHT straight losses for Matt Spurk, and four for with the new design, the latest to freaking Mammoth. That is “My father told me I should’ve been a ______, but nooooo…” territory. Seriously, what the hell does he even do now? Ricky Willems is sitting on a .500 season for what I believe is the first time ever, and I’m really hoping that he doesn’t get into the tournament for this exact reason.

Another look at the NO KNOCKOUT STREAK sign. I’m starting to get nervous.

Promo, more Kurtz…[lots of words I don’t to use here]…more Kurtz.

OKAY TIME OUT - Because he is an arrogant obnoxious bratty entitled pile of crap, that’s why. I know this stuff doesn’t even register with some of you, but it’s something of a problem for me. Okay? Okay.

Valkyrie (1-2) vs. Glitch (0-3)
Man, has anyone gone from the penthouse to the doghouse faster than Team Glitch? I knew reality would catch up to them eventually, but not as hard as this. They have a chance against the similarly designed and notoriously squirrelly Valkyrie, and they’d best make the most of it.

Glitch meanders out of the box, giving Valkyrie a shot at its right, which it takes. And…Glitch…is not…moving. Valkyrie just kinda slowly shuffles back and forth, not taking the shot. And Glitch moves away! Florian berates Valkyrie’s driver for having the win on a silver platter and…Glitch has stopped again. Valkyrie, which is on pretty shaky wheels itself, goes into Glitch’s back and scrapes it up a bit. Some maneuvering. What looks like a “near wepper”. They line up…oh, crap, it’s going to be a stupid wepper, isn’t it? They have what looks like a game of chicken between two golf carts with flat tires…bip, bam…and one of Glitch’s forks is off. And Valkyrie lurches in for a more forceful wepper. This, I remind you, after ignoring Glitch’s unprotected back and doing basically the same damage as a playful kitten on the second exchange. (Just a friendly reminder that this match is, in fact, the semi-main. ) And Glitch has stopped again. And Valkyrie is creeping, creeping…and Glitch lurches to life again…but its weapon is down. Valkyrie resumes its back scratcher offensive. Seriously, what is up with all these super-weak weapons tonight? Pieces of metal come off of Glitch. They meet head on, where Florian points out that Glitch’s spinner is split down the middle. Valkyrie attacks from the front. Glitch can do nothing. Shot of the ref with a pained expression which I’m sure many of the fans have as well.

Valkyrie yooner. They got the job done. On the other end, I’m pretty sure Team Glitch just hit rock bottom. Right now I’m wondering if they’ll even have a working bot next season.

Flashback to last season’s quarterfinal train wreck between Witch Doctor and Minotaur. They have the final main event of the season, which should certainly be…well, destructive. I remind you that all this bad blood could have been completely avoided if Mike Gelately just finished the fricking job. Just go over to Minotaur’s one good side and take it out, score a resounding knockout, shut Daniel Freitas up, ballgame. He’s grown up a lot since then, so this should be a good one.

Main event - Black Dragon (2-1) vs. Riptide (3-0)
Y’know what…I have some massive doubts about this one, and I’m really scared that Riptide is going to get a knockout here and the streak will be over and Kurtz is going to obliterate what’s left of my eardrums, so I’m going to follow an unusual procedure here. I watch the whole thing, and if Riptide knocks out Black Dragon, I’m going to end this recap right then and there, because I don’t want to waste one more brain cell on a little brat getting tongue-bathed. Okay.

Crap.

All right, like I said, it was a trivia note, and no doubt someone else will make a run at the record someday. But this is already the worst team in the sport, and it’s only going to get worse and worse as their runaway success continues. There’s nothing more infuriating than wanting someone to lose and seeing him win and win anw in and win and win and win AND WIN AND WIN AND WIN AND WIN…goddesses, my hands are shaking. See, that’s exactly why I try not to get emotionally involved in contests I have no control over (Wonder why I never said anything about Donald Trump for his entire presidency? That’s why.), and I just feel into that trap. And now my very real, very enormous fear is that a loud, obnoxious, in-your-face team is going to charge straight to the top and dominate the sport. I’m just praying I don’t have to write off yet another reality show. There’s too little fun in my life already.

Damn, this night sucked.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Ayup, it certainly wasn’t one of the better nights for Battlebots. Disappointing in fact.

[bobsmom101]

@DKW

OKAY TIME OUT - Because he is an arrogant obnoxious bratty entitled pile of crap, that’s why. I know this stuff doesn’t even register with some of you, but it’s something of a problem for me. Okay? Okay.

Having seen that clip of the enraged EK with veins bulging as he displays his fearsome vampiric dental appendages way too many times, I have to agree with you. I find the mute button useful.

@EddyTeddyFreddy

Ayup, it certainly wasn’t one of the better nights for Battlebots. Disappointing in fact.

Yeah, not really satisfying. I do love Huge though, in a big galumphing puppy sense.

[DKW]

Hey, thanks for the positive responses. It seems that every time I rip on something that I feel not only completely deserves it but needs it, I face a big backlash. “Well, I completely like it” and “Sheesh, did he steal your gout medicine or something”, just a complete, savage, full-throated assault on my very basic expectations of decency. It’s great to see that there’s still some humanity on the Internet. Yeah, I think I can finish this season.

I won’t be touching the open sewer that’s the hype over the Minotaur/Witch Doctor main event. First off, I find it eyeroll-worthy and more than a little irritating that the announcers never once specified what the “controversy” over their previous meeting actually was. I’ll recap it for you: WD gets stuck, the ref calls for a time out to get it unstuck, which was 100% in concordance the rules, upon restart Minotaur is really messed up, but Mike Gelatly bizarrely refuses to finish it off, instead whining incessantly for a count, then Daniel Freitas orders the ref not to start counting, some other Minotaur guys back him up, time, WD pulls off the squeaker, and the last desperate shot at decency is snuffed out when Andrea Gelatly snivels that Minotaur was beaten and why wasn’t there a count, why-y-y-y-y? Absolutely disgusting behavior in both camps and a low point for the sport. (I still maintain that the biggest villain was Mike. If he was SOOOOOO CONNFEEWWWZZZZED, the proper way to handle it was to end all doubt by finishing the job…something which a CHAMPION like Ray Billings or Paul Venetemilia would’ve done without the slightest hesitation. And he freaking refused! ) However, I also maintain that at some point, everyone have to move on. Mike grew up and rediscovered his killer instinct; he had a great run at Champions and has been stellar here. Team Minotaur has been steamrolling. Even Hydra’s been looking dominant lately. They’ve learned from their mistakes, refocused, and come back swinging. The proper thing to do is to acknowledge this and not constantly live in the tainted past.

Also, I really think showering endless attention on stupid kids who do that thumbs-down buuuooooeeeeggghhh thing is a profoundly bad idea.

Anyway. Season ender. Much like the NFL, mostly a thin soup of mediocrity that we want to get over with so we can get to the good stuff.

PRELIMS DAY 15 4/27/23

Lucky (3-0) vs. Cobalt (2-1)
Three thoroughly unconvincing wins against three thoroughly unconvincing opponents don’t give me any reason to favor Lucky in this one, and my reservations are immediately validated as Cobalt dashes under Lucky from the left and delivers a hit which rips off part of the undercarriage. (I counted. Two seconds.) Lucky somehow manages to right, but one of its batteries is lying smoking on the floor. Cobalt takes a few more bites before leaving Lucky powerless in the corner. (Geez, did we really need a Thermal Cam to see how badly Lucky screwed the pooch?)

Postmortem in the Lucky camp, and…“I have never seen anything like this”. Oh dear. It is going to have a rough tournament.

Blip (1-2) vs. Banshee (1-2)
Ah, a flipper duel. Between two not very good flippers. It begins with Banshee driving atop the front of Blip, and then backing off without incident. And a second time. Bit of pawing. Some maneuvering. Banshee does two very weak flips which miss everything. Finally, Blip has Banshee pinned against the wall and…the flipper’s too short to reach it and it misses. Yeah, I agree with Florian that this isn’t going to end in a knockout. And it goes on like this for some time. Finally Blip settles it by getting one flip against the wall, and yeah, there’s almost a minute left, but given that Banshee’s done absolutely nothing except get shoved around, that’s plenty enough. For a while it looks like Banshee is helplessly inverted, but Blip actually puts it back on its wheels. It makes no difference, as Blip completely dominates the final twenty seconds. Blip scores an unproblematic shutout.

Monsoon (1-2) vs. Deathroll (2-1)
What are these again? Uninspiring verticals? All right. A clumsy brawl which ends quickly as Deathroll gets hounded into the corner and simply craps out.

Tantrum (1-2) vs. Whiplash (1-2)
I’m not surprised that both of these bots are on the bubble. Tantrum is just one of those competitors that can win or lose against anybody, and it just caught the down end this season, while Whiplash is an arm sawer, which has never been a dominant design.

Lots of fast juking. Tantrum gets a love tap to Whiplash side. Whiplash is able to get on Tantrum, put it on a screw, and take a shot with the saw. Tantrum is inverted…and…can’t right?? Could it end right here? The count starts! And it’s over! Damn, it hurts to see this happen to a couple of class acts like Alex Grant and Ginger Schmidt.

Hijinx (1-2) vs. Switchback (2-1)
Switchback rushes right at Hijinx before it can get spun up. Generally a sound strategy, but it might want to actually get its own weapon into play instead of bulldozing into the spinner. Then…you guessed it…the old yorikiri-with-no-tawara trick! Hijinx gets inverted, and Switchback smushes up against it again. Still no drum spinner action. Finally it gets spun up, and a direct shot into Hijinx…and that did some damage. Hijinx toast, Switchback wins.

Slammo vs. Double Tap
I have a theory as to why season 7’s semi-mains have been universally awful. And as soon it’s not just a lot of red-face emoticons, I’ll be glad to share it. For now, I’m just grateful that this is the last. You’d think this would be a pretty easy win for DT, and that’s because it would’ve never occurred to you to use the “drive into the wall” strategy, which DT does almost immediately. Slammo capitalizes by getting a deep hold on and almost immediately letting go. If you’re asking how that’s going to help its chances, well, it’s easy: it gives it a chance to catch-and-release a second time! (Dammit, I know “suplexes” are largely useless, but if that’s all your bot is capable of, could we at least have a few?) DT gets a little hit. Slammo gets another hold…and again does nothing with it. At this point it’s clear that Slammo is completely incapable of any kind of offense, so it’s only a matter of how much time DT’s driver wants to waste not putting it away. (Answer: A frigging lot.) DT’s spinner is barely moving now, and Slammo couldn’t lift a restriction. The match gets so free of action that the announcers do split screen shots of Minotaur and Witch Doctor entering the arena and the still-empty bracket just to have something to talk about! Whoa, odds?? Now, I don’t actually think there’s gambling in this show, but dang, anytime you put actual betting numbers up, that’s hardcore. Back to the action and… Reimu Hakurei’s armpits, this is freaking boring. I’ve been in more violent tug-o-wars.

Father Time is undefeated! DT with the yooner. It might not have a prayer in the main draw, but for now it reigns supreme as the King of the Not-Counts.

Main event - Minotaur (3-0) vs. Witch Doctor (3-0)
Some hesitancy from WD. Minotaur boldly rushes in and gets under it, taking it for a brief ride…and then it has WD pinned against the wall and is attacking its left front tire! But it only manages to dent the wedge a bit. Minotaur disengages and runs around a bit before attacking head-on. It briefly catches WD’s right…again, not much. Minotaur gets under again and attacks the front; some sparks. WD’s forks are off, but now Minotaur is on the run, and WD…completely punts it into the corner! Minotaur manages to scramble out of the corner before WD can follow up. It’s having trouble staying grounded. Wepper, and Minotaur gets thrown back…but WD’s right side drive is compromised. We’ve just seen why getting sent flying and dissipating all that force through lots of little bumps is better than standing firm and absorbing the full shot. Little shouting match in the Minotaur camp. WD gives chase. Minotaur turns around, locks horns, and pushes WD all the way to the wall! Where…nothing happens for a few seconds. When they’re both fully grounded, neither weapon can reach the other. At the halfway mark, Minotaur does the mandatory release, and WD just gave off a puff of smoke. Minotaur delivers a chippy hit to WD’s front and pins it to the wall again. You can see WD’s left front tire spinning uselessly. Minotaur lets go again, but it’s spinner’s slowed and it’s left side drive is down. Shot of Andrea Gelately saying “it’s crab walking, it’s crab walking”. With WD’s weapon down, who can make that final crawl to the finish line?

And that’ll blipping do it! I have to call this for Minotaur; it looks like it simply was a little better everywhere it counted. And…it’s a yooner for Minotaur!

Awkward, halting comments from Marco Freitas. Part of it is the language barrier, of course, but it’s pretty obvious that he’s not used to doing PR repair work. I do agree with him that this has to be the year. Yes, I know I said that last year, but now it really looks like it’s now or never. Andrea Gelately wisely decides to accentuate the positive. I remind you that WD was still a very popular team after the fiasco, and she knows it’d be a bad idea to upset that.

In the garage with Team Tantrum. They explain what went wrong: When Tantrum hit the wall, a ridge that stuck out snapped the righter chain, rendering the whole mechanism useless. Schmidt has promised to put on a new guard which will prevent the chain from breaking again, to which Grant declares “Jinx!” Uh… You really think that’s what you should be concerned about, big guy?

All right, bracket! You know the drill! I hope!

Top left: 1 Minotaur vs. 32 Fusion, 16 Switchback vs. 17 Malice, 8 Sawblaze vs. 25 Blip, 9 Cobalt vs. 24 Monsoon
Fusion? Sheesh. I know we want more action after coming back from two Covid seasons, but this just goes to show you why a 32-bot tournament is overkill. 24 would’ve been plenty. Not much to talk about here except an expected rematch between Minotaur and Cobalt, which should be a barn burner.

Top right: 2 Riptide vs. 31 Shatter, 15 Lucky vs. 18 Hypershock, 7 End Game vs. 26 Tantrum, 10 Copperhead vs. 23 Rotator
Hoo boy. I have a feeling this is going to get very ugly very quickly. If there’s a tight decision here (which looks likely), they’re going to need extra security detail.

Bottom right: 3 Witch Doctor vs. 30 Jackpot, 14 Lock-jaw vs. 18 Bloodsport, 6 Huge vs. 27 Skorpios, 11 Claw Viper vs. 22 Madcatter
A bunch of gatekeepers and pretenders who are going to face each other and thereby continue to avoid facing reality. At least until they run into Witch Doctor. (Man, you talk about fighting trash can lids… ) Yeah, I’m not calling an upset here. It could happen, but I’m not calling it. Huge should be entertaining as always, and I hope it has the honor of facing WD in quarters.

Bottom left: 4 Hydra vs. 29 Deathroll, 13 Beta vs. 20 Whiplash, 5 Quantum vs. 28 Ribbot, 12 Ripperoni vs. 21 Black Dragon
Too close to call. Hydra is unbeatable as long as the opponent does what it wants; it’s not going to have that luxury in the tournament. Quantum is unbeatable as long as the opponent can’t do any damage; that’s not going to last long. Ripperoni is the feel-good story of the year, but how dependable is it really? Black Dragon is one of the toughest machines around, but it’s reeling after its loss to Riptide. It’s going to be a slugfest, and don’t be surprised if one of the low seeds defies the odds and makes it to semis. (It probably won’t be Beta, but I’m not putting money on it.)

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

I agree, that last fight night was way too much of a snoozefest in some of the matches. I’m not going to venture into any tournament predictions, but I’m rooting for Ripperoni to do well. The crew is refreshingly groundedly confident without being obnoxious, the bot has way overperformed after its first bout, and man, when they land a solid hit it SMASHES.

[DKW]

Hey, uh, does “Star Wars Day” still mean anything to anyone? I’d think that nearly all of us are just burned out by now.

TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND, RIGHT SIDE 5/4/23

Jackpot (2-2) vs. Witch Doctor (3-1)
Slow out of the blocks…and ooh, WD briefly has its back turned, but Jackpot doesn’t attack! WD circles around, and it’s a wepper, followed by WD briefly getting under Jackpot. A head-on shot, then another, and Jackpot is missing its left fork seems to have trouble getting spun up again. Several more hits follow, and Jackpot’s weapon is clearly down. Then…OOH, nice one, Jackpot sent spinning skyward and onto the upper deck. It gets off, but WD hounds it into a corner. By now it’s obvious the fight has reached the “it’s over, just a matter of how” stage, so I’ll skip to the end, which is Jackpot unable to move after the undercarriage is bent in half. Man, Jackpot took a pounding tonight.

Hypershock (2-2) vs. Lucky (3-1)
Will Bales is entering Hypershock at 238 pounds, sacrificing defense for mobility. Hypershock goes on the attack. Lucky flips twice, but its flipper isn’t long enough to reach past Hypershock’s forks. Hypershock upends Lucky but can’t do any damage to the underside. Another missed flip. But then lucky runs up Hypershock against a wall and gets it inverted! Hypershock lacks a dedicated righter, and it runs around desperately, throwing itself into the upper deck…and that rights it. Hypershock wall-slams Lucky and grinds away at the flipper, which is now unable to fully reset. And that’s more or less it; Lucky’s unable to get any offense going and does nothing but get tossed and shed bits of itself for the remainder of the fight. Yooner Hypershock.

Bloodsport (2-2) vs. Lock-jaw (3-1)
Several shots to Lock-jaw’s wedge from Bloodsport’s spinner; lots of sparks but no real damage. Flames come out of Bloodsport, but Lock-jaw is also sporting tire damage. The next hit takes off Lock-jaw’s left fork. Bloodsport continues pressing the attack, and with each hit more rubber comes off. It looks like it’s just a matter of POW It’s a wepper, and Bloodsport is inverted…and nothing on it is working! Justin Marple shouts “Dammit!”, which pretty much says it all. Donald Hutson survives! What a season it’s been for him!

Shatter (1-3) vs. Riptide (4-0)
Look…we all know Shatter’s overmatched fifty ways from the Spring equinox. So what’s with this gamesmanship with the weigh-in?? I mean, REALLY? Ethan Kurtz’ journey just keeps getting better and better! I am so looking forward to this team being in the spotlight for years to come! Gods…you want to get in people’s heads, become a fricking ENT doctor. There’s no call for this. (Seriously, this is like Tom Brady using a deflated football against the fricking Colts. That’s just overkill.)

Claw Viper (3-1) vs. Madcatter (2-2)
CV zips around and around. Madcatter gets a little hit. CV gets under Madcatter! Which is not much of an achievement as Madcatter’s spinner makes it tough to stay grounded regardless. CV gets a hold on Madcatter’s front, lifts, and does a clumsy endo for its trouble. (Yo! The other guy also weighs 250 pounds! It’s not going to be easy to throw!) CV drives toward the wall, breaking the sign and Gassy Cat, because it has to take out its aggression on something. Now CV has Madcatter pinned against the wall, and you know what’s coming. CV backs up, but their forks are locked up, and it takes some effort to untangle them. Madcatter takes the chance to slip to the left and grind at CV’s left front. CV finally pulls free, but Madcatter seizes the offensive and delivers a few shots. Madcatter gets inverted, and CV shoves it around. As Madcatter tries to right, CV sticks its arm in there…ooh, bad move, as it lands right in the spinner, which removes a nice chunk of it. Madcatter fires back and leaves CV inverted in the corner. It looks to be in serious trouble, but just then Madcatter’s spinner shuts down. What can either bot do? As Madcatter approaches, Kevin Milczewski goes “Log cal go gemmy over, log gotta go, buddy!” which I guess is an exhortation for Madcatter’s driver to do something stupid.

Excellent match! Plenty of action, both drivers going hard all the way, no clear winner. Aaaaaaand it’s a splitter! Young - Claw Viper, Winter - Madcatter, Davis - Madcatter. Martin Mason dispenses with the heel crap and says he’s just thrilled to be in the round of 16…maybe, as Milczewski has decided to appeal. Didn’t you just know this would happen? Tauheed gets onstage to announce the result of the appeal…the decision stands. Oh, geez, I can’t imagine how much it must suck for the most popular and charismatic figure in the sport to declare you the loser twice.

Skorpios (2-2) vs. Huge (4-0)
Skorpios begins by getting right under Huge in an attempt to attack the underbelly; they spin around a few times. Huge escapes, but Skorpios swings away at a wheel stabilizer bar, then the main body again. It goes after a bar, and shears it completely off! Some running around, and Skorpios take a swing at the other bar, which snaps off with a loud ping. Its strategy is obviously to attack hard and get whatever it can on Huge, and right now it’s working. Huge takes a shot to Skorpios’ left…and…oh, this cannot be happening. Skorpios flames a bit and dies. A fight that was shaping up to be a battle of attrition turns into a squash.

Rotator (2-2) vs. Copperhead (3-1)
Victor Soto lost to the eventual champion in three different tournaments, and he’s tired of it; meanwhile Copperhead is trying to break free of win-some-lose-some status. Rotator begins with the forks end. Copperhead gets under it but does little more than buff it a bit. Big wepper, and I definitely saw something come off. More ram-like clashes. Copperhead has definitely got a lot wilder. Another major collision which sends Rotator flying. And another; this one partly tears of Rotator’s top, and now it’s left wheel guard his history. A pure power battle does not favor Rotator’s lighter weapon; Soto needs to rethink his strategy. Rotator goes after the forks; two more big shots land…and Rotator’s weapon is definitely down. But just when I think it’s all over but the whining, Copperhead loses its right side drive, so this one’s going to be something of a contest to the bitter end. (What does “fight this one in a phone booth” mean? ) The wounded warrior prevails over the woundeder warrior; Copperhead yooner. If Soto wants to make a serious run at the Nut, he really needs to learn to stop fighting the opponent’s fight.

Tantrum (1-3) vs. End Game (3-1)
It starts with a pushing duel, both bots’ forks too long to let either weapon in play. Tantrum puts weapon forward and draws a great deal of sparks from EG’s forks. Tantrum briefly has EG spun around but can’t capitalize…that’s been a problem lately. Tantrum drives EG to the opposite wall. Nothing happens for a while. Tantrum disengages, then reengages, and it’s another stalemate. Wall slam by Tantrum, and another wall slam, and Tantrum is under! Tantrum is under! Then it drives forward and…and…EG finally gets weapon on target and knocks it back. Another strong push by Tantrum…and another lockup and stalemate. This is the closest thing to Greco-Roman wrestling that I’ve ever seen in the Battlebox. EG takes another two hard shots, and now Tantrum has lost its left fork. EG presses the attack, and there goes the other fork, and Tantrum is now in serious trouble. EG has only lost a couple wedgelets; both forks are still on and the weapon is cranking. Oh, with time running down Tantrum’s weapon is down and it lost some front armor, and that should do it.

End Game takes an easy yooner, and last year’s champ leaves season 7 with 4 losses. Damn, its small-ball game did not work at all this season. On the other side, End Game is largely unscathed and flying high. Riptide and Hydra may get all the hype, but don’t ever count the quiet Kiwis out.

I liked what I saw tonight! The matches were generally tight, or at least hard-fought, and there was…very little I completely despised. Even though I still think it’s a little overinflated, the tournament is the real deal. I’m expecting the left side to be even better.

[DKW]

All right, I know you’re all expecting my usual dose of elaborate robot-mauling retrospective, but we have a very serious situation here.

I was just idly tuning into Discovery last Thursday. There were other things I was working on, but I thought I’d get a little glimpse of the remaining first round action before dinner. What I got was a bit of the aftermath of the Riptide/Shatter match (y’know the one that ran the previous week), and right there on the screen is Ethan Kurtz getting all snippy about Adam Wrigley refusing to shake his hand and therefore decreeing everything all his fault arggghhagfjffjgh .

Now, if you’ve known me for any amount of time, you know that I royally despise total jerks. However, a critical distinction is how they’re handled. Hell’s Kitchen, to give one example, has plenty of total jerks every season, but it’s implicitly known that they’re only there to spike the ratings, they get no special privileges, and the moment they’ve served their purpose, Gordon Ramsay cheerfully shows them the door. Not a single trash-talking, pot-stirring, back-biting, work-shirking waste of oxygen that’s been on Hell’s Kitchen has ever come close to winning, and that made it watchable (I only gave it up because I got tired of its formulas). But what Battlebots is doing is celebrating an immagure, arrogant, self-centered, smug, smarmy brat, and that I will not brook. Throughout my entire childhood I was surrounded by adults who not only condoned but practically worshipped the worthless clods of sewer slime that constantly made my life a living hell (not a single one of whom is now a Fortune 500 CEO, contrary to popular opinion ). To this day I consider them the worst people I have known in my life, morally bankrupt sub-cretins who completely ruined my entire childhood, I have never forgiven a single one of them, and I will take this to my goddam grave. And now Battlebots is trying to make him a star.

And keep in mind that these kind of shows get recorded months in advance. That’s so the editing crew has time to set the right narrative, get all the money shots just they way they want them, and decide on the exact filler and fluff pieces they need. What you see on the screen is the end result of a lot of decisions and corrections and tweaks and second thoughts. Bottom line is, anytime you see some pushed as hard as Kurtz has been for the past several weeks, it’s not going to end in a flameout or spectacular upset. That kind of thing happens in real sports, not the meticulously sculpted world of reality TV. Bottom line, making Kurtz front and center isn’t a coincidence. I have every reason to believe that not only is he going to win it all, it’s not going to be particularly close.

Just to forestall the predictable counterarguments: This is not like Jason Bardis. He took his medicine from that present debacle, and when the producers decided to replace him as judge, he quietly accepted it. This is not like Ray Billings. He sometimes got a little overeager in victory, that’s all. He knows when to shut it off and how to give due credit to a tough opponent. This is not like Jake Ewert. He can get resentful at times, but no more than you’d expect of anyone with the burden of high expectations. This is not like Kevin Milczewski. He’s loud and irritating in the box, but that’s as far as it goes. This is not like Martin Mason. He’s a clown heel. Dumb, maybe even embarrassing, but it’s just an act for the fans. This is not like Mike Gelatly and Daniel Freitas. They had one really awful night. They learned and got better. This is a brat who is genuinely terrible, genuinely insufferable, and genuinely obnoxious, and getting pushed to the moon for it.

Folks, let me be quite clear. My continued ability to give one molecule of a crap about Battlebots hinges on precisely one thing: A team with at least a modicum of decency winning season 7. If this does not happen, this show is dead to me. Of course, I won’t know this until the final day, so…in stark opposition to my usual procedure, I assure you…I will first see who wins it, and if it turns out to be someone I can accept, then I’ll gradually get caught up.

(As Marisa Kirisame is my witness, I’ll never criticize American Ninja Warrior’s happy-happy direction again…)

[CoolHandCox]

Well, that was interesting. Congrats to Sawblaze.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Wasn’t that a helluva match? The whole last show was great!

[DKW]

Thanks to EddyTeddyFreddy for saving me the trouble of having to spoil the entire final day. So it looks like this season won’t end on the lowest of low notes as I feared…which means that I’m actually kinda intrigued as to what all that glorification was even about. And the way things are shaping up, especially with a few early favorites looking less than impressive, it really looks like this season can be anyone’s game.

Nothing to do but do it!

TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND, LEFT SIDE 5/11/23

Black Dragon (2-2) vs. Ripperoni (3-1)
Ripperoni heads left and turns to face its foe. Small wepper which upends BD, and a few more hits which toss BD around. Given BD’s durability, I don’t think a wepper duel is the way to go here. BD gets righted but another wepper promptly upends it again. A big wepper which seems to rock Ripperoni. Someone in the Ripperoni pit admonishes the driver to get back to center. They do, and Ripperoni gets unbalanced a couple times but still manages to knock around BD some more. So far no visible damage on either side. BD gets rightside-up again, and finally it goes on the offensive, knocking around Ripperoni. Ripperoni…uh oh, that definitely was a pirouette, which means that it’s losing control. And just as I write that, BD’s weapon goes down, and this one’s down to a battle of guts. Ripperoni grinds away at BD’s front but still gets upended. Two more hits which toss around BD. I’m thinking that Ripperoni has this in the bag so long as it doesn’t die, which we’ve seen is sometimes the hardest task of all. And just as I write that, BD catches on fire. More shots traded, and Ripperoni’s smaller left wheel looks like it’s going down. With 30 seconds left, BD puts Ripperoni on the upper deck. It’s having trouble mov…no, it’s stopped! There’s 16 seconds left when the count starts…and that’ll do it!

Man. Even the BD guys aren’t trying to sugarcoat it: that was pure luck. Actually, I’m mostly surprised that the break-fist-face strategy, which has been the ruin of overly defensive bots like Duck, worked like a charm here. As for Team Ripperoni, they had a fine rookie season, and if they win Rookie of the Year, it would be simple justice. I think there’s still a ways to go before they reach the top echelon (they need either more power or more stability), but they’re definitely capable of it. This is a team that has a lot of fun, fights hard, and puts a heck of a machine out there, and for that I wish only the best for the future.

Monsoon (2-2) vs. Cobalt (3-1)
Someone on Team Monsoon tries to fire up the crowd with a butcher’s apron Union Jack. And Tim Ratley said that “Tom Brewster can outdrive Dave Holtz”. Make your own snarky comparison because I’m running way behind as it is. Cobalt’s going with a larger, more durable disk with no teeth.

The meet in the center. Cobalt draws first sparkitude, knocking Monsoon back, then runs around a bit before taking another bite. Cobalt briefly has Monsoon’s back but can’t get squared up, and they go head-to-head again. Cobalt pushes Monsoon to the wall just as Rose mention’s Monsoon’s reach advantage, and just then Monsoon launches Cobalt back (Xnij! ) Cobalt struggles to get planted and retreats before its foe; Monsoon pursues and knocks its foe around some more. A Cobalt teammate shouts encouragement to Brewster. Monsoon is dominating right now, with Cobalt seemingly running scared and unable to find a response. Cobalt manages to fire back but at the cost of its left fork, and Monsoon immediately capitalizes by sending Cobalt skyward (In Matt Iseman parlance, “fullleyyyeeennnggg”). Which…will do it! Cobalt is overturned and not moving!

Huh. I’ll admit, I wasn’t impressed by Monsoon, but it came in with exactly the right gameplan against Cobalt, and the win was well-deserved. And yes, I agree with Tom Brewster that you can toss that “upset” poppycock. There are no freebies in the tournament. A bot that does the right things will beat a bot that does the wrong things, plain and simple. Just to hammer this point home, Rose puts up the prefight poll where 95% favored Cobalt, which only proves that the Division 1-A college football championship is the biggest joke in sports. As for Cobalt, this was a regression, but not a huge one. It’s definitely going to be back, but now everyone knows the limitations of the high-mounted wheel, and without a significant redesign that’s ultimately going to keep it from seeing the Giant Nut.

Fusion (2-2) vs. Minotaur (4-0)
In the prefight Florian praises Fusion’s “potential”, a fitting descriptor for a machine which has perpetually not done anything yet. A head-on collision with the drum side…and Minotaur is flipped! Then a second, and Minotaur gets thrown back! AND MINOTAUR HAS LOST A BELT! THIS COULD Fusion catches on fire and stops moving. I don’t like Minotaur’s Nut chances, obviously, but I really don’t like Fusion’s future. Good lord, Reese Ewert looks like he wants to crawl into a hole and die.

Deathroll (2-2) vs. Hydra (3-1)
Deathroll kicks things off by driving right onto Hydra’s flipper and nearly getting launched into orbit. Then a small flip. Then another air-bot. Wow, using a high-mounted spinner against a low-set bot was a great idea, am I right? I’ll just skip to the first part that doesn’t resemble an Akane Tendo fight. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And Deathroll gets a hit…and is now completely stuck in Hydra. Unsticking Time Out! And…successful! Match restarts…and both bots have drive issues. Hydra proves that its flipper still works, so it still has a big edge. Jake Ewert switches to his tried-and-true “turret” offense, which Deathroll obligingly repeatedly blunders into. And that’s how it ends, Deathroll getting one lucky-ish shot and Hydra absolutely ruling everything else and taking a simple yooner.

Ribbot (1-3) vs. Quantum (4-0)
Ribbot is going in with eight forks, presumably to make some kind of point. Perhaps appropriately, given the kind of season it’s had, it promptly gets stuck in a saw notch, allowing Quantum to punch a hole in its rear. Ribbot somehow gets free but has trouble pressing the attack. Quantum zips around looking for an opening. It gets impatient and tries to force the issue, and immediately pays the price by getting slammed on its head. It rights before Ribbot can do any serious damage to its underbelly and retreats. And then it does another Stupid Male Sheep Assault and gets thrown backwards again. Shades of Headbutt Man slamming his eye socket into a unicorn horn (as chronicled in my most recent body of work ) Yo! Driver! When you have a mobility advantage, use it! Also, the other guy has a spinner and you don’t, so that’s clearly not the way to go in the first place! Quantum looks in trouble. Shouts of “Ya woo ga weh yeh yoo, ya ga wan da weh geh yo!” from Ribbot’s driver. I think these people should just send text messages, speed be damned. Quantum…can’t…right! A monumzzzzzzzzz I’ve seen too many of these to be shocked.

See, this is why 3, 4, or 100 unconvincing wins don’t matter a damn in the tournament. Team Quantum had the look of a squad that let success get to their heads and came in overconfident and sloppy, which is always the kiss of death. They definitely have a future as a gatekeeper at minimum, but they’re going to have to learn to stop doing exactly what the opponent wants.

Malice (3-1) vs. Switchback (3-1)
A rare public appearance by Ray Billings, here to support Bunny Sauriol.

Switchback comes in with its drum raised, allowing Malice to get the first hit to the body. Switchback gets turned to the side against the wall and Malice continues attacking. Switchback manages to reverse-arm and draw some sparks from Malice. They disengage and Malice goes after the front and back. Malice pins Switchback against a screw; it escapes but Malice catches its back again. Uh oh, Switchback’s drum is looking barely operational while Malice’s wheel is still going full blast. Malice drives Switchback to the corner, and now it’s having drive issues. We’ve seen this dance of death so many times, and as always, it’s only a question of whether one official or three is going to give the final verdict. Ooh, a weapon chain on the floor. (Sure, Florian, flog the horse race narrative, don’t want my opinion of you to get too high, now, do you? )

Perfunctory yooner for Malice. I will say this: It’s not the hardest-hitting or toughest bot, but it wins the matches it should. Switchback has some potential, but for now it’s still more a curiosity than anything.

Tidbit from the Sawblaze garage: fine-tuning one of its forks for its upcoming match with Blip.

Oh, boy, here it comes. The aftermath of last week’s Riptide-Shatter

OKAY, TIME OUT - Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I am not a fan of Adam Wrigley. He has serious delusions of grandeur, and that snivelling over the Horizon decision was downright embarrassing. But if Team Riptide fudged with the weigh-in, he absolutely had not only the right but the obligation to call it out, and at minimum the match should’ve been ruled a no contest. I don’t care how whiny he was, rules are rules. So of course Ethan Kurtz not only assumes full denial mode and decries the “waste of time”, he says that Wrigley has “no evidence”, which anyone with a functioning brain knows is the same a full confession. I already mentioned how he is the most repulsive, bratty, classless personality I’ve ever seen in Battlebots, but if the powers in charge are allowing him to openly flout the rules with this bush league gamesmanship, we have a much more serious problem on our hands. This is a man, a team, a mentality that is threatening to make a mockery of the entire league with the full endorsement of the people running it, and I don’t have to tell you how messed up that is.

Whiplash (2-2) vs. Beta (3-1)
Beta sticking with the “spatty”. It gets the first shot to the front of Whiplash which flips the back upward. Whiplash counters with a fork flip to Beta’s front. Beta swings…hits!..no damage. Whiplash gets Beta upended, drives it toward the upper deck, and puts it on it. Of course, since that also did no…

…oh, no way. Beta’s stopped moving! The censor-mouth in the Beta pit tells the whole story. It can shift slightly by flailing its hammer, but that doesn’t count as controlled movement. Count starts, count ends. Holy crap, I do believe this is the first time in league history putting the opponent on the upper deck was an effective offensive move!

It’s always been my contention that Beta can only beat an opponent that lacks knockout power; that it gave out so quickly against a pattycaker like Whiplash is a very bad sign. These Brits are a smart, classy bunch and I don’t begrudge their presence here at all, but it’s become painfully clear that they’re never going to win anything meaningful.

Blip (2-2) vs. Sawblaze (3-1)
Juking. Blip briefly has an angle but can’t get close enough to attack. Sawblaze is working hard to keep its opponent in front. Sawblaze climbs atop Blip but extricates itself almost immediately. Blip attacks Sawblaze’s left hard and eats a clown hammer for its trouble. Uh oh, Sawblaze gets its forks under Blip, shoves it into a barrier, and attacks with the saw! Blip is hung out to dry, and Sawblaze delivers another chop. Back in the middle, Sawblaze catches Blip again, throws Blip into a screw, and goes after the rear. Blip flips and makes a tiny breeze. As the fight goes back to the middle, Blip’s looking a bit squirrelly and something definitely just fell off of it. Sawblaze continues its assault. They’re in the corner…ooh, Blip manages to rush ahead and get Sawblaze airborne! And…that’s it. Still no action from its weapon. Sawblaze retakes the offensive, getting a few more clean shots. Oh, Blip gets under Sawblaze…completely under, no flip. Geez, I know Sawblaze is really hard to beat, but you gotta at least try!

Everything always beats nothing, and Tauheed doesn’t waste a second stating the obvious. Jameson Go, who is the happiest I’ve ever seen him…wait, what? Oh, he lost to Monsoon, so he wants to beat Monsoon now. Whatever.

The show ends with some CBS sports ripoff thing, which I’ll cover if I ever feel like it.

Okay, done! I have a long weekend and I’m eager to get to the final day, so expect second round coverage pretty soon.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Yay, and thanks! Makes me happy I messaged you. Just wait till the last night!

[echoreply]

I’ve not read any of this thread to avoid spoilers, so pardon me if this has already been mentioned.

Battlebots is now streaming on Max, the new service that combines HBO, TLC, and a few others. I’ve had HBO for some time, but couldn’t watch Battlebots because it was on some other streaming service.

Is there any reason to watch straight through instead of just skipping to the fights?

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Probably depends on if you’re a completist or not. Every show, there are hella good fights and not so good ones.

Oh, wait, you mean each show, cut the chatter? I’d say watch a couple/three in full and make up your own mind whether it’s worth it.

[DKW]

Almost at the good part!

TOURNAMENT SECOND ROUND 5/18/23

Ribbot (2-3) vs. Black Dragon (3-2)
As you’ll recall, two years ago they met in quarters and Black Dragon won in the most ridiculous manner imaginable, surviving being on fire for over two minutes. I have the feeling this one won’t be quite so spectacular. It begins with, what else, weppers. BD gets a good shot on Ribbot, which fires right back. BD is briefly inverted, and Ribbot takes the opportunity to send it skyward. Then a shot to the left of the spinner which launches it again. Ribbot shoves BD against the upper deck screw from the left…no useless lift-up, but BD is taking a beating nonetheless. More big hits traded. BD’s left side drive is faltering. Rose wails that BD’s only been knocked out once in the past 26 fights, and damn, do we really need sorta-trivia notes? Wepper, and BD is send spinning to the wall! Now it’s resting on Ribbot, seemingly unable to get off. Ribbot backs off. Oh, lovely David Jin is now whining for a count, because we don’t want to go too long without bad sportsmanship, now, do we? BD remains still, and inevitably, the count happens. Well, I guess we’ll just have to talk about something else about BD next season! I’m looking forward to it! :slightly_smiling face:

Lock-jaw (4-1) vs. Witch Doctor (4-1)
Two longtimers who just can’t catch a break. Someone’s gotta lose. WD does what looks like a bootlegger turn at the beginning, then goes after Lock-jaw’s right…ooh. Remember all that tire damage in the first rounder against Bloodsport? It’s returned with a vengeance; the right wheel is already off. The next hit sends Lock-jaw right into its own drone. And of course a wepper…which shuts down Lock-jaw’s weapon. [sigh] We all know how this tale ends. One final blast to the rear crushes any last soupcon of doubt. WD KO OMG.

Clip of the Bounty Hunters match against Sub-Zero…good gods, it was the same minibot?? Just leave it in the garage next time, sheesh!

Malice (4-1) vs. Minotaur (5-0)
Tentative movements. Spinning up, and…wait for it…wepper! Slow approach…and…wait for it…again! Minotaur gets lifted on the left side, and Malice dives right in for a clean shot on its left. Minotaur spins toward the screws and its weapon has slowed; it desperately tries to keep front towards enemy while Malice claws away. More pirouetting, and another big wepper. Both weapons still crank…no, Malice’s has stopped! Minotaur charges, putting Malice in an awkward position against the upper-deck screws. (“Hold that pose!” ) Disengage, and Minotaur continues pushing. Minotaur manages to get a couple more nice hits before time expires. Oh look, Daniel Freitas is already celebrating, lovely. A nice effort from David Lau, but Malice simply didn’t have the muscle to hurt its foe. Yooner Minotaur. Bunny Sauriol got her best season for what could be a very long time; hope it was as fun for her as it was for me.

Copperhead (4-1) vs. End Game (4-1)
Slow approach. Copperhead runs up against EG’s left side forks and gets inverted. Some hesitation before EG attack and sends Copperhead tumbling. Approach, some grinding, and Copperhead gets smacked back. Another wepper, and wow Copperhead definitely took the worst of that one. But it rejoins the fight, seemingly none the worse for wear! It goes to work on EG’s right side “piano key” forks. Several of them come off. Oh dear, and it looks like slamming horns wasn’t a good strategy for EG as its less durable spinner has come to a halt. It moves again, but weakly, nowhere near fast enough to deliver any hits. Now EG is just a big box and Copperhead can take its time finishing the job. It methodically strips EG of its remaining forks (just about locking down the win right there) and gets cracking on the now completely defenseless front. The next minute and a half is an exercise in why Duck’s strategy didn’t work. Copperhead ends it in dramatic fashion, leaving EG helpless on its front edge. Even though time runs out, Copperhead’s total domination is never in doubt. The driver celebrates way too much (Yo, this is just the second round, you still have work to do, dammit!) before Tauheed makes the uber-obvious call.

The look on the Nick Mabey’s face tells the whole story. For all of EG’s successes, no design is infallible; the same lesson Ray Billings had to learn the hard way, he just did. They’ll be back, of course, but one has to wonder if they’ve been figured out and the Giant Nut tally isn’t going to go past 1.

Monsoon (3-2) vs. Sawblaze (4-1)
The preview hints that Monsoon has gotten completely in Jamison Go’s head. I try not to get emotionally involved, but it’s hard, man. Sawblaze is sporting a pair of white defensive flaps in the front.

Quick approach. Sawblaze avoids trouble and slips to Monsoon’s right. Small chop to the side, but Monsoon manages to make contact and fling Sawblaze away. They meet head-on; Monsoon drives forward but is denied by Sawblaze’s forks. Sawblaze dances to the right and gets under; Monsoon evades but gets unbalanced, and Sawblaze puts it on a screw. A nice chop to the right of Sawblaze’s body. Monsoon is upended, its spinner facing the wrong way; it reorients, but Sawblaze seizes the opening and puts it on an upper deck screw. Monsoon does a couple of hit-and-run jabs, and it looks like one of the flaps is bent…and Monsoon gets stuck in a saw notch! (You gotta watch out for those things, guys!) Sawblaze obligingly takes a couple of free shots before Monsoon extricates itself. Sawblaze then hounds Monsoon into one wall, then another, and a clown hammer gets a little piece as well. Sawblaze seems hesitant for a bit (it may have gotten briefly stuck on the floor)…but it doesn’t matter as Monsoon’s weapon has stopped spinning! And Sawblaze wastes no time delivering the final blow, bowling Monsoon over. With the spinner and forks down, it’s completely helpless. Sawblaze knockout.

This, right here, tells you just how skilled Jamison Go is. If he tried to just do wepper after wepper, he was doomed. So he didn’t; he stayed on the move, avoided the big damage, picked his shots, and used the entire playbook…saw strikes, flanking, bull rushes, control. This really put Monsoon in a “heads I win, tails you lose” situation: If it keeps engaging and taking damage, Sawblaze wins; if it avoids engaging, Sawblaze wins. He could not have scripted this fight any better. Rose said it best: Great job!

Go is suitably thrilled at getting that particular monkey off his back.

Whiplash (3-2) vs. Hydra (4-1)
Both bots stutter-step toward each other. Hydra flips and misses. Whiplash…gods …drives straight ahead, goes right onto Hydra’s flipper, and you damn well know what’s coming. And a second flip. Whiplash approaches cautiously now, using those forks…and then drives straight araarlagablablagllllll. Why do drivers insist on doing the 100% worst worst worst possible thing against Hydra??? And Whiplash takes off a piece of its own top armor! :Screw it, skipping ahead…oh, never mind, Whiplash got one little hit before Hydra flipped it upside-down, where it meekly curled up and died. Well, Mati Vasquez, guess getting hit after hit after hit will have to wait, you flaming moron.

Madcatter (3-2) vs. Huge (5-0)
Yeah, Martin Mason, I know exactly how that story ends. He gets the hots for a married woman and frags her husband, one of his best soldiers, so he can marry her (a crime his newborn son ends up paying for with his life), then goes on to make one bonehead decision after another with plenty more heaping doses of raging misogyny. What of it? Like a number of other Huge opponents, he’s gone with a specialized big guy-killer, a front-mounted spike.

Madcatter overshoots its foe in a shower of flames and sparks. It gets turned around, and they clash. And something just fell off of Madcatter. Lots of tight maneuvering and shots traded. Huge lost a little chunk of one wheel and a piece of tread, Madcatter…it’s hard to tell. Madcatter rushes Huge’s spinner, making some noise. (Uh, Florian, a fighter jet against King Kong would be completely one-sided. Ever hear of missiles? ) Oh, look, the spike just went flying, giving Huge the edge in damage, among other things. And its spinner is down. Whatever Mason had that was supposed to be a “strategy”, it’s not working. Huge’s spinner is nearly busted as well, which means this fight has just entered the “bumper cars with two extremely mismatched vehicles” stage. Which is how it ends, and unsurprisingly Huge has a convincing yooner. Not gonna lie, beating Madcatter was…if you’ll pardon the pun…really, really big. Huge is having an absolute dream season, and I’m not going to be so arrogant as to speculate how far it can go. As for Madcatter, it did about as well as expected. I’m starting to sense that Martin Mason is getting tired of the clown heel shtick and would like to switch to something less…tiring. Let’s hope he finds it.

Hypershock (3-2) vs. Riptide (5-0)
Haaaahhh.

Heck of a couple of rounds. Lots of heavy favorites going down and a few very intriguing darkhorses defying the odds. This season could have the most thrilling final day yet. Let’s go! (In one day, I got stuff to do! )

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

Why the minibots? Why? I’ve seen one fight, just one, where one was useful, and that’s only because the other bot got hung up on top of it. Other than that, what good do they do?

[BrickBat]

I believe the main idea is to act as distractions…annoying gadflies.

[EddyTeddyFreddy]

So I assumed – but they fail miserably at that, as far as I can see. Their monster opponents just ignore them, steamroll over them, or blast them into teensy tiny pieces on the way to taking out the main adversary. Even the flying flamethrower minibots don’t seem to do any damage.