[quote=“DKW, post:20, topic:977778”]
I refuse to listen to this dungheap of a man [/quote]
Whoa @DKW, did Ethan Kurtz kick your cat or something? His commentary seemed pleasantly innocuous, no showboating that I saw.
The End Game v. Riperoni match was a great battle, lots of fun, good sportsmanship all around.
As usual, HiJinx performed with all the power of a rubber band windup toy. I inwardly cringe when it crawls out on the floor. I wish they could do better. It’s kinda sad.
One of the hardest adjustments I had to make regarding the Internet was the need to give long, elaborate explanations of topics I personally consider to be bone-brained obvious, particularly regarding highly disgusting/obnoxious/offensive/objectionable behavior. So I’ll tell you my problem with Ethan Kurtz. He is an infantile, petty, ungrateful snivelling little punk. Ever since being named co-Rookie of the Year along with Glitch, he has done nothing but whine about it. “It’s rook-EEEE of the the year, not rook-EEEEEEEEZZZZZZ of the year!” 
He has never let this go. And he went on to bawl about how “We made it to the round of eight while they never even made the field!” (Because they had to withdraw due to technical problems, as you’ll recall, and would go on to win their first seven matches.) And of course, he pointed to this season’s win as proof that Riptide should’ve been sole blah blah blah. 
This is, with zero exaggeration, the most utterly reprehensible attitude I have witnessed on this show, ever. Worse than Ray Billings, worse than Mike Gellatly, worse than Martin Mason, worse than Bunny Soriel. Frankly, I think the only sensible response of whoever’s in charge of awards is to retroactively rescind his Rookie of the Year award. You hate sharing so fricking much? Fine, it’s gone, have a nice life.
Also, while this is a lesser concern, I find constant shouting annoying. I know Rose and Florian are goading him into it, but it’s still annoying.
Anyway, that’s my stance, which I’m sticking with until I see evidence to the contrary.
“Violent Night”. After how day 6 went, it almost sounds like an apology.
PRELIMS DAY 7 - 2/16/23
Bloodsport (0-1) vs. Gigabyte (0-1)
Bloodsport is going with the pretentious-sounding “Wheel of Misfortune”, which as always is either a smart adjustment or a Hail Mary. We’ll see if it matters either way. Bloodsport herds Gigabyte into a corner, neither weapons spinning at all for some strange reason. Gigabyte runs for open air and starts spinning…slowly, and definitely not fast enough to do any damage. Bloodsport’s weapon is still motionless. Gigabyte cheerfully takes a couple free shots, first knocking Bloodsport on its side, then sending it rolling. Finally Bloodsport’s spinner comes to life. A little hit, and then a BIIIIG hit which sends both bots flying to opposite corners. Bloodsport regains its motivation, and now it’s Gigabyte which is spinless. Bloodsport sloooowly engages and gets a little hit, then another, then another. This is one of those matches that keeps teasing a bloodbath and stubbornly remains at a chippy pokey mincy level of violence. Gigabyte starts smoking, and then it stops smoking, and then it stops everything else. This is what the sumo expects call an “odd looking bout”, although I’ve seen too many of them at this point to consider it anything unusual.
Claw Viper (2-0) vs. Overhaul (1-0)
Kevin Wilczewski has the chance to be the first driver to get win #3. You can imagine my excitement. CV begins with its usual weirdly-shaped battering ram assault, knocking Overhaul over. Unexpectedly CV gets stuck in a saw slot. Overhaul…kinda gently nudges it off. 
Grappling. Wilczewski bellows “How gobby do yah stwayth!” or whatever. The rest of the match is Overhaul demonstrating that it’s completely useless to do a single goddam th…oh wait, it just upended CV…but completely backed off, allowing CV to right and recover. Correction, Charles Guan demonstrating that he’s an absolute moron. 
CV yooner. Bleah.
Horizon (0-1) vs. Monsoon (0-1)
Monsoon charges right at Horizon’s center, where there is no weapon, and bowls it over. It takes a shot at the right spinner before attacking the middle again. It disengages, makes some distance, and charges right back in, upending Horizon again and taking off a piece. Horizon is inverted and motionless, and Monsoon gladly accepts the free shot. The only thing still functional on Horizon is one spinner, and the count is quick to arrive. Comparisons to Sm#e# are looming, looming, I tell you.
Starchild (0-1) vs. Mammoth (0-1)
Oh wow, we actually get to have another battle of the giants! 
Huge vs. Mammoth in season 5 was so entertaining, I was seriously bummed that it was never allowed to happen again. Anna Zolnikov of Team Ripperoni is doing guest commentary for this match. Oh, and Starchild’s type is “thwackbot”. 
Match about to begin, and wow, this woman is smart! I didn’t think these type of people were allowed in the booth anymore! 
Jockeying for position. Their weapons meet, and both go for a tumble. Mammoth is off-kilter, which causes Ricky Willems to shout “Flip flip whip wick ja weck ja weck ja right now!” 
(Man, this show really needs subtitles.) Starchild is momentarily stuck on a screw but frees itself, while Mammoth is still wrongside-down and is struggling. Starchild takes a couple of swings with its thwacker, which…you see it coming, don’t you?..both miss. A couple more swings which land short and wide right, respectively. I’m thinking that the real key with swinger bots is coverage. The more space that weapon goes through, the greater the chance that some part of it will reach some part of the barn, even if it’s the less-desirable narrow side. A few jabs; Mammoth overturns Starchild but it makes a break for it. They get tangled up, Starchild inverted on top of Mammoth’s frame, and I honestly don’t know which one gets the control points for this. It’s a close call, but they manage to disengage without a time out. The rest of the match is a whole bunch of sloppy slapping, with the most damaged thing in the box being the floor.
No idea how this is going to be called. Willems is making very energetic noises, while Starchild’s drivers says “I’m so sorry, guys” and the rest of the team tries to comfort him. Wow. It’s a yooner for Mammoth. Congratulations on getting an opponent that they could beat, I guess. 
Triton (0-1) vs. Copperhead (1-0)
Triton wobbles back and forth out of the gate. Couple of small weppers. Copperhead looks for an opening but only gets another small wepper. Triton is still shaky…ooh. Copperhead gets a nice hit to its back, and pieces of metal fly everywhere. And that’s it, Triton…hold on a sec, Copperhead isn’t moving either! 
One of Triton’s batteries got under it and its wheels can’t find the floor! Two refs count out two bots, meaning that this, of all things, is a saimin. (Whoa, wasn’t sure when I’d be using that again! ) It’s an effortless yooner for Copperhead, obviously, but it just betrayed a pretty massive weakness, which could spell serious trouble for it come tournament time.
Preview of the Minotaur/Cobalt main event.
Lucky (1-0) vs. Kraken (0-1)
Kraken has trouble leaving the starting block. Lucky works for an angle, eventually nudging against Kraken’s left. And disengaging. All this cowardice I’m seeing lately is getting just a bit off-putting. Buncha clumsy dancing by both parties. Lucky finally catches Kraken’s back and does an unspectacular flip which kinda nudges it onto the upper deck. The red lights blink menacingly as Kraken still can’t drive straight. Finally it drops off via the screw…whereupon Lucky promptly puts it right back on. And after that very small amount of abuse, Kraken does a bunch of clockwise spins, betraying that its right side drive is already busted. The lights strobe angrily as Matt Spurk desperately tries to escape his predicament. Finally Kraken gets down, whereupon Lucky gleefully does another return-to-sender, but this time Kraken is able to get down the screw immediately and…get smacked around like a soccer ball. The remainder of the fight resembles the part of that TV documentary where the Mafia goons are beating up Ken Uston behind the casino, except that there’s only one goon and his technique is highly inefficient. (I work with what I know, all right? 
) No-frills yooner for Lucky.
More clips of Minotaur vs. Cobalt in season 4. Tribute to Frank Riker, who’s recovering from cancer.
Main event - Minotaur (2-0) vs. Cobalt (1-0)
Cobalt is sporting these long, big Minotaur-buster forks, which promptly catch something on the floor. (Something something overcompensation something.) It retreats and briefly shows its back; Minotaur pursues, but Cobalt recovers and deals a strong hit which flips Minotaur back. Minotaur is side-wheeling from all the gyroscopic force. Cobalt runs up and deals a small hit to the left. A small wepper, and then a big wepper…which sends Minotaur flying! Both spinners are still going full blast, and they grind on each other. Minotaur is briefly backed against the upper deck, but escapes…and there goes one of Cobalt’s forks. They lock up head-to-head, which I don’t think is what Cobalt wants…and another big hit which airmails Minotaur into the corner. I have to think that something’s going to break on it pretty soon. Another tieup, more grinding. And then they apparently run out of ideas and decide to pit weapon against weapon. Lots of chippy hits, a few decent ones. Minotaur is smoking! IT COMPLETELY ROLLS OVER COBALT! Man, who woulda thought it still had that power after all the punishment it’s taken! But Cobalt rights…and…Minotaur knocks it over…and now it’s stopped! Knockout Minotaur! Knockout Minotaur! 
Damn. This was a statement win for the Brazilian bulldozer. Hit after hit after hit after hit, and it didn’t even slow down. Against nearly any other opponent, Cobalt would’ve had this locked up by the halfway mark. I’m starting to think that this might be the year. I’ve seen it before, the team that’s always in the hunt but no one expects to ever win the top prize, and then for one perfect, magical, glorious season it absolutely cannot lose. The Anaheim Angels, the Washington Capitals, the Philadelphia Eagles, the Toronto Raptors. Minotaur is rolling right now, and I don’t see any bot in the field that it can’t pound into scrap.
The cyberdestructomolitionestivalrama continues! 
PRELIMS DAY 8 2/23/23
Free Shipping (1-1) vs. Hydra (1-1)
A pivotal matchup for both squads; their tournament hopes could be decided right here. Damn, Jake Ewert is sounding downright muted after his recent epic fail; let’s see if that translates to smarter driving.
A slow approach. FS makes a sudden surge forward…going right onto Hydra’s flipper and promptly eating the wall. Hydra rushes in and tacks on a second launch. FS escapes and desperately jockeys for position. It moves back in and kinda goes sideways across Hydra’s flipper, with the expected result. Then it rushes Hydra straight on and…gets…flipped a fourth time. Seriously, I do not understand what the freak Gary Gin is doing here. Absolutely nothing changes for the rest of the match other than FS losing a bunch of metal. It looks for a while that FS would be counted out, but Ewert can’t resists getting a couple final shots. As it is, probably the easiest decision of the season in favor of Hydra. Seriously, this match was the reality TV equivalent of a Roadrunner cartoon. (Oh yeah record 20 flips or whatever. 
)
Huge (2-0) vs. Fusion (1-1)
Huge is now sporting tougher Tegris wheels and small hooks on its spinner. Huge skids around to the left and takes a glancing blow. Wepper; couldn’t see which side of Fusion. And Fusion’s right wheel is not moving. Huge charges in and nearly runs over Fusion, but manages to get weapon on target, bouncing Fusion against the upper deck screw. A little bump and the top just came off of Fusion. And…that’ll do it! Fusion is dead! Man, after two outstanding efforts and assuring everyone that Fusion’s problems have been solved, Reese Ewert is staring into the abyss. 
Meanwhile, Jonathan Schultz is having a dream season, and the only question right now is how far this amazing oversized ride is going to go.
Lock-jaw (1-1) vs. Glitch (0-1)
Another slow approach, Lock-jaw going straight ahead while Glitch kind of strafes to the left. Lock-jaw is circling for an opening. It overrotates and turns into a barrier, but Glitch fails to capitalize and Lock-jaw gets away. Lock-jaw approaches, teasing a wepper, and backs off. Finally Lock-jaw commits…itty bitty tap to the right. It runs up against the right of Glitch’s spinner…again making a very weak-sounding hit. At this point impatience finally catches up to Donald Hutson, who says the hell with it and does a wepper. Glitch is flipped on its head…whereupon Florian informs us that Glitch has no righter. Since nothing can ever come easily for Hutson nowadays, Lock-jaw promptly gives of smoke and shoots fire. However, it’s still mobile, and Glitch isn’t. A desperate attempt at clown hammer unbeaching goes nowhere, and Lock-jaw takes a convincing stoppage.
Well. Lock-jaw may not be especially strong or durable, but it’s definitely built sleeper credentials with this win. Don’t be surprised if it goes further than it should. On the other end, Glitch’s wild ride has taken a big turn for the worse. It’s always struck me as a feast-or-famine machine, and now the famine is starting to hit hard.
Beta (1-0) vs. Shatter (0-1)
The first swinger fight in Battlebots history. Glad we could finally get this over with. Shatter, having some trouble with its omniwheels, gets pushed around by Beta. Beta takes the first swing, which lands wide left. A second swing comes up short. Shatter takes a swipe and comes up just short. A second swing which seems to barely clip the front of Beta’s front skirt, drawing a few sparks… It gets on the skirt and takes a wild swing which does nothing. And a miss to the right. Beta finally fires back…short. 
Finally, Shatter gets a couple blows to the skirt which…don’t seem to do any damage. They get tangled up in the corner and fire at will, their efforts capable of extinguishing two, possibly three candles. Imagine the “Bugs Bunny slowball” bit on repeat and you have some idea of the overall vibe I’m getting from this match. Somewhere along the line the plastic shear panels invariably come off of Shatter, which is very bad news for it as that’s pretty much the only damage of the match. And now Shatter’s hammer has stopped working, and its chance of winning have dropped to, to use the technical term, a snowball’s chance minus a snowball’s chance. The completely invincible Beta crushes another hapless foe.
Quantum (2-0) vs. Black Dragon (1-0)
BD has gone 22 straight matches without being knocked out, just 3 shy of Bite Force’s record, but it’s going to have a serious test against the powerful piercing pressure packer Quantum. Cautious approach, a back off, and they meet, BD churning against the main body of Quantum. Quantum gets a hold with its double fang and drives straight ahead, and BD sort of bounces off the rail. They’re locked up and driving back and forth. BD manages to put Quantum into the upper deck screw, but Quantum outmaneuvers it, and gets a hold on its right wheel from behind. BD manages to escape after a couple of clown hammer bops to its spinner. BD fires back with a couple of raps to the right of Quantum. Disengage, maneuvering. BD briefly turns its back again but Quantum doesn’t capitalize. Sparks fly as Quantum gets another hold. And another release. There’s plenty of action here, but I can’t tell who has the advantage. BD flees, turns back around, and draws more sparks before the next lockup. Something is smoking a bit.
Unexpectedly the ref gives the order “release” to the Quantum crew, and they seem to be having a problem with it? Ooh yeah, unsticking time-out, bay-bee! 
The ref calmly explains the situation to both teams before the blackshirts do their duty. After an almost suspiciously short amount of time, the crew admits defeat, and this one’s being cut short. Florian cites rule 7.6.5A, and I will say this, he’s a lot smarter than he sounds.
Whoo, this is going to be a tough one. I don’t see that either machine had a clear edge in damage, aggression, or control. And…it’s a yooner for Quantum! They did what it took to win! Whatever it was!
Preview on the Tantrum/Blip main event, which is a super massive honking deal because Aren Hill used to be a Tantrum designer or whatever. Then a quick look at today’s exhibition match, Terrortops/Slammo. Rose uses the word “relegation”, which is a funny way of saying that if a bot turns out to be an washed-up useless bum, the selection committee will toss it and replace it with a fresh NEW useless bum! However, these curb-kickees can still earn their way back to primetime by putting in an impressive enough showing in exhibition matches. Such is the fate of Slammo, which went 0-2 in season 6 and lost its last match of season 5 and a Bounty Hunters match and Champions match prior. It’s going to have a challenge against Terrortops, a forks-disk spinner hybrid.
Terrortops vs. Slammo
Terrortops starts things with a 1-2 punch, upending Slammo with the forks and taking a shot to its underbelly. Some maneuvering, and more sparks from the underbelly. Slammo spins wildly counterclockwise for no clear reason. Terrortops get another little hit. Terrortops shoves Slammo straight into the wall, leaving it on its back…where it remains, helpless. Terrortops is had enough, stoppage, win. That’s SIX straight losses for Slammo. God damn. 
On the positive end, that forks-spinner combo looks like it could really frustrate some opponents. I don’t say this often, but I’m really looking forward to seeing this newcomer in the main draw.
Preview of the main event, where Alex Grant and Ginger Schmidt assure us that they will not be throwing the match just because of friendship. Thanks, now that you mention it, I can certainly envision how someone could be concerned about the possibility of that happening. 
They’re never going to get any goddam respect, are they?
Early Giant Nut picks: Sawblaze, Minotaur, Quantum, Witch Doctor, Riptide, End Game, Tantrum, Ripperoni.
Main event - Tantrum (1-1) vs. Blip (0-2)
Fast juking. Blip gets into position under Tantrum, waits several seconds for no clear reason, and gets the first flip. Whew, just barely beat the 20 second limit. The two little guys paw at each other. Tantrum is against the wall…oh jeez, it’s burning. It quickly goes out, but there’s still some ominous smoke. The left fork has come off of Blip and it doesn’t seem interested in getting any more offense in. Blip gets under again and takes a loooooooooong time to get its second flip. Rose points out that the fire’s out, but Florian adds that the driver had to shut the weapon down, meaning that Tantrum is a sitting duck. Blip has Tantrum in the corner. The third flip barely clears the ground, but the fourth goes…a not-inconsiderable height. The rest of the fight is like the most forgettable Hulk Hogan match you ever watched. Damn, the little greenhorn flipper flat-out dominated Tantrum; how bummed must Jake Ewert be now? Blip yooner, not dead yet.
I couldn’t quite decide if I felt sorry for Free Shipping or contempt. Its latest iteration is arguably quite rugged, though it better be if it’s going to be violently flipped a bazillion times, but what’s its offense game? ( other then flames )
I think they need a retrograde move and revisit the mini forklift style they had back before.
Anna Zolnikoff and the Ripperoni crew kick things off by doing another ridiculous “funny” sketch, complete with “evil” distorted vocals, y’know, ‘cause this show is about destruction and whatnot. She’s definitely one of the good guys, so I won’t begrudge her a few seconds of SNL-style drivel. Whenever I see one of these things, though, I really wonder how it got set up. Specifically, 1. who set them up to this, 2. were they forced into it, 3. was it fun for them, and 4. who, if anybody, got paid. When I see pointless time-wasting stupidity, the issue of how much they wanted to do it plays a huge factor in how I feel I should respond. Seriously, why does no one ever talk about this.
PRELIMS DAY 9 3/2/23
Third matches! Seven of ‘em! Who will lock down their tournament credentials, who will slink off into the bitter sunset, and who will need a fourth match like the flipping system is supposed to work?
Gruff (1-1) vs. Witch Doctor (2-0)
Gruff is a box with a couple of forks. Its offense consists of aggressive poking. It wins if it faces an opponent that can be defeated with aggressive poking, which Ripperoni was on day 1 as it wasn’t quite dialed in yet. Somehow I doubt Witch Doctor is going to be so generous. The Gelatelys put a pair of little bitty forks on it to see if this “ground game” business is all it’s cracked up to be. As it turns out, the jury is still out as the only thing that got cracked up was Gruff. Not much to say about this one: WD had its way with Gruff, which did nothing but learn the hard way that steel still doesn’t burn. The sign got knocked down, and at this point I’m convinced the only reason it’s there is so Rose can make moronic, unbelievably tired “jokes” about extortion. It ends when Gruff gets sent to the upper deck inverted with its righter too battered to function. The Gelatlys keep rolling on.
Malice (1-1) vs. Valkyrie (1-1)
Battle of the woman-led not-that-greats. There’s a cute name for this somewhere. Ah, an attempt at talk-stuff by Malice’s driver: “As long as disco very baddy…WE’RE DOWNGED!” Yeah, I’m calling it lousy audio quality; no other way to explain so many of these.
Lotsa swerving and juking. They take dink shots at each other’s weapons. Malice makes the first mistake, going into a screw. Some circling by Malice as Valkyrie tries to stay under control. Another grazing shot. Malice finds the angle and gets a few blows to Valkyrie’s front panels. Valkyrie takes a little hit to Malice’s right wheel. Malice disengages. Florian calls this a “technical” fight, which I’m certain has as much meaning here as it does in pro wrestling. Small wepper…big wepper! (Isn’t that how it always goes? ) And Valkyrie’s spinner just fell off! Seems to happen pretty regularly, a match that looks pretty even for a while, and then that one big shot happens and it’s all over…
…but not this one, as Malice’s right wheel is inoperable, while Valkyrie still has two working wheels. This One’s Not Over, Folks! (I Always Wanted To Say That! ) Malice manages to take a swing at Valkyrie’s right wheel, which appears to finally knock out part of its drive, but now Malice’s spinner is down…aaaaaaand it’s crab walking.
We’ve now reached the robot combat equivalent of a “drawn position”, both machines still alive but too weak to put the other away. It looks like the smart move for both teams would be to just keep slow dancing to the bell rather than launch ineffectual attacks and risk breaking down. Just then Rose says that (Under the new rules! 
) if both bots keep floundering, the refs are going to treat it like a saimin, which is apparently an exception, or more likely a corollary, to the rule that any movement means play on. Shot of someone twirling a white cloth, which I assume has some meaning. Two refs count all the way, and that’ll do it.
Tough call. Really tough call. I simply did not see anything that one bot did better than the other. This is a coin flip if ever there was one; I wouldn’t be surprised by any result. It’s a splitter. Derek Young - Malice. Fon Davis - Valkyrie. Lisa Winter - Valkyrie. Whuh-hoa, development! Bunny Sauriol immediately says “I’m gonna challenge it.” I think it’s a good call. The final prelim against Gruff isn’t likely to end in a close decision, and there’s a good chance 2-2 is going to leave her in the cold, so why not take the chance. Plenty of booing and thumbs-downing at Valkyrie getting the decision, which is just the image a rising sport needs. Valkyrie owner Lucy Liu gets put on the spot, which is totally fair, trust me. Sauriol says something about “translationally walking” which I totally don’t get how it should’ve mattered, and if any of you have any insights, be my guest. Rose gives a refresher on the appeal process.
Sauriol energetically rules-lawyers to a liaison. Shots of the scorecards which I’m not really interested in.
Madcatter (1-1) vs. Big Dill (0-2)
The show must go on! Head-on collision to start. Madcatter gets atop BD’s weapon but quickly backs off. BD drives forward, shoving Madcatter to the upper deck, then it gets a launch which inverts Madcatter, whereupon its spinner bounces off the rail and sends it tumbling to the middle of the box. Pretty! Madcatter struggles to get the rubber side back down while BD sort of dithers…missed opportunity to catch its underside…and they wrestle near the screws. Small wepper, and a bunch more. A few sparks from BD’s side. Some more head-on jousting. A puff of smoke from what looked like Madcatter; might’ve just been the tires. And a pretty big wepper…and through all this, both bots are still going full steam with only slight damage. For those of you who are here for hard-hitting action and robots being smashed to bits, I’d appreciate your perspective of what it feels like to only get the first thing. The slapfight continues unabated. With 40 seconds to go, both machines are battered but BD has taken the worst of it, its handling noticeably shaky. It turns its back to Madcatter, which capitalizes. Then the big turning point, BD getting stuck on a saw notch allowing Madcatter to carve up its back, the first really big offensive of the fight. As the clock runs down, BD loses a wheel, which of course is the nail in the coffin. (And of course Florian says this could go either way, and I’ve said it before, but it’s so hard being a good soldier sometimes.) A classic case of outlasting the opponent and a simple yooner for Madcatter.
Will and Alex Bales of Hypershock do a little plug for Xometry.
Results of Sauriol’s appeal, and the result…success! 
Davis and Winter, who originally had it 6-5 for Valkyrie, noticed on review that Malice’s weapon feebly jumped to life for a few seconds at the end…a small difference, but enough to swing them both in favor of Malice, who walks away with a yooner! Wow. Let’s be very clear: This is massive. The judges, in an extremely close call, made a wrong decision due to a completely unintentional and understandable oversight, the initial loser calmly and intelligently argued her case, and the judges admitted their error and changed their decision to the correct one, all completely within the newly established rules. This not only silences the eternally tiresome loudmouths whining about judging bias, but preemptively hell-shuts-up anyone spouting nonsense about whining sore losers. Not only is the system working, it’s working right out of the gate. So a big cheer to everyone involved in this pristine and fully operational carriage of justice, and wherever the ride ends for Malice, everyone can walk away with a clear conscience. Damn, can you ever imagine the NFL ever being even a thousandth as good?
OKAY, TIME OUT - If you wonder why I love this league so much, why I follow these events like white on tofu, why I gladly spend hour after hour on these recaps…THIS. THIS IS WHY. The good things. The nice things. The positive things. Things that are either extremely sparse in or completely absent from American Idol, America’s Got Talent, Dancing With The Stars, The Voice, The Masked Singer, Hell’s Kitchen, So You Think You Can Dance, Lego Masters, Domino Masters, The Challenge, Wipeout…good heavens, there’s a lot of dreck, isn’t there? For whatever irritations, nuisances, and troubling signs Battlebots has, it also has plenty of really good moments like this as well, and I hope everyone always remembers that.
Ribbot (0-2) vs. Jackpot (0-2)
Wow, I’m fairly certain nobody at the start of the season thought these machines would both be on the brink of doom tonight. Ribbot going with the undercutter.
They approach. Jackpot retreats, and Ribbot gets the first shot to the base of Jackpot. It gets a little shot and…hold on, let me look it up…”TRSHCO”. But Jackpot, which has really had trouble with low-set bots, starts firing back, and just like that Ribbot’s left front tire is detached. Ribbot knocks Jackpot over; it quickly rights but its left wedge goes flying off. Ribbot, showing remarkable maneuverability for a three-wheeler, takes a few more bites at Jackpot. Jackpot counterstrikes again…and there goes the left rear tire. Of course, since this is Jackpot, its control has to get really shaky and make it nearly impossible to do further damage. Ribbot ends up on a screw and slowly gets off, and as it’s barely moving this certainly looks like a golden opportunity to go after the remaining tires and close the deal, doesn’t it? Jackpot shuffles and shimmies and jukes and jives, and…wepper. See, THAT’S how you tell the difference the difference between a GOOD driver and a JUST BARELY ADEQUATE driver. Jackpot has trouble getting going again. Ribbot is maimed but its spinner is still going full blast. Jackpot is hesitant, and Ribbot’s driver bleats “Hit us! Come on!” (Crappy sportsmanship, it’s fan-freaking-tastic! 
) And of course Jackpot obliges with another wepper. 
Oh, look, Jackpot’s left side drive is wrecked, leading to what could be our second double crabout of the night. The ref actually halts the count, but it matters not as the clock expires a few seconds later.
The Jackpot camp immediately begins celebrating for what could be a reason? (There are lot of things about this show that don’t make much sense to me, if you haven’t guessed.) Yooner for…Jackpot. Man, I tell you, they dodged a freaking cruise missile tonight. David Waters says that Jackpot gets two losses every season, which means that they’re going to go undefeated the rest of the way, which is either colossally arrogant or colossally brain-dead, and in this instance I think Hanlon’s Razor is the way to go. They get Captain Shrederator for the final prelim, which should be an easy win, so at least the season won’t be a complete bust for them. Ribbot…I don’t know. It looks like reality finally caught up with them. They’re not catching the breaks, they’re not finding the openings, they’re not doing the critical damage. Right now they’re fighting for relevance, and their final opponent, Skorpios, is definitely beatable but not a pushover. Man.
Skorpios (2-0) vs. Sawblaze (2-0)
Battle of the pivot sawers! Man, we’re having quite a few similar function duels this season, aren’t we? There have been many, many, many fan requests for this, which makes it a bit surprising that it hasn’t happened before now…
…aaaaand it’s still not happening, as Skorpios is sporting a super-long sword thingy, kind of like an even more awkward Shatter. That’s why fans should never have expectations.
Engagement. Skorpios has trouble staying grounded. Swing, miss. They lock up. Skorpios swings and gently sets its dull edge atop Sawblaze, which does exactly as much damage as you’d expect. A few more swings, the last of which leaves it upended against the screw. Skorpios takes a swing which does no damage…but it’s immaterial as Skorpios is immobile. Smoke comes out of it, to no avail. Sawblaze says the heck with it and carves a notch into that increasingly-ridiculous looking sword. Exceedingly boring stoppage.
Hold on, let me rewind…Zach Lytle, prematch: “In order to win tonight’s fight, we have to be different. We have to try a strategy that nobody’s used against Jameson. And that’s this. / If we can manage to beat Jameson Go with the Overkill sword of the 90’s, it will be a legendary moment that will live in Battlebots history. Every time Jameson pins your robot, he wins the fight. If he pins us to the wall, we’re going to smash the wall with the sword and pop out.” 
I mention this because I can’t remember a time I’ve seen that freaking much runaway stupidity crammed into under a minute. Let me make a pitiful attempt to unwrap all this: Lytle, knowing that he was about to make Battlebots history with this pivot saw match, switched at the last second to a three decade old design (meaning he never even got to test it properly and thus never learned that it did zero freaking damage), and as a result got absolutely clobbered. Florian’s words were absolutely damning: “Skorpios only got that one shot and it was a mosquito bite.” If there was gambling in this league, I’d have some hard questions. As it is, I’m just mystified. Expect to see this in a future “10 most inexplicable tactical adjustments in Battlebots history” or somesuch.
Jameson Go is humble as always and is taking it one match at a time. I’m pulling for him to win his final prelim against Hydra. He’s yet to score a perfect record in the current incarnation of this event, and if anyone deserves it, it’s him. Zach Lytle does his best to face the music, basically admitting that his bot has a serious design flaw. Guh. Unless he’s willing to completely redo the bot, his future’s looking pretty bleak.
Preview of the End Game/Hypershock main event. The EG camp is stinging after their unexpected drubbing by Ripperoni, while Will Bales is sounding…a tad overconfident, if I’m being honest. At the very least, saying “berserker barrage mode” with a straight face is a cause for concern.
Another Xometry plug. This looks like it’s going to be a regular thing so I won’t mention it again.
Rose asks Sauriol if she’s a lawyer now. “My mother was a lawyer; I don’t want to do that.” I am liking this woman. She’ll be doing guest commentary for Ripperoni/Hijinx. She’s expecting a lot of sparks from a horizontal vs. vertical matchup.
Ripperoni (1-1) vs. Hijinx (1-1)
So far this season’s semi mains have ranged from forgettable to putrid, and unless Jen Herchenroeder found some adamantium (now THAT would be berserker barrage mode hurr hurr see what I did there), this looks unlikely to break the trend. They approach. Ripperoni gets the first shot which sends Hijinx flying back, takes off some steel, and seems to have stopped its spinner. Hijinx bowls over Ripperoni, but it recovers and counterpunches. Hijinx…sorta approaches, the spinner still down, and Ripperoni upends it again. Some rubber has come off of Hijinx. More uncontested shots. Hijinx is burning. We all know where this is going. Something falls from the ceiling. Hijinx manages to trip up Ripperoni a couple times before giving up the mecha-ghost. Trivia: Sauriol is a good friend of Herchenroeder and got to see all of this.
Clips of the highly one-sided End Game/Hypershock match in season 5.
Main event - End Game (1-1) vs. Hypershock (1-1)
Two and one or one and two! Heaven or Hell! Triumph or tragedy! The road to the big dance begins now!
EG once again has trouble off the blocks, actually peeling some paint off the floor. Hypershock runs around looking for an angle and fails to get one it runs over EG’s forks, allowing EG to bulldoze it to the wall from the right and get a solid hit. EG manhandles (machinehandles?) its foe in the corner. Hypershock somehow manages to escape without visible damage, but it’s now inverted, which is never a good sign. It tries to get some offensive going with that awkwardly-angled spinner and is rewarded by a launch and the loss of its left front tire. EG is also now missing its right fork, but it’s safe to say it won that exchange. Hypershock is properly oriented again and rushes in, but veers left for no clear reason, and EG obligingly chews on its right front tire. Dunno why, but I’m seeing some really bad driving from Will Bales tonight. Hypershock goes for a wepper but can’t get past that remaining fork. Hypershock is slowing down. It exposes its right again and EG delivers another forceful shot, and that right front tire is finished…and now Hypershock is inverted again. It’s now only a question of when…and it’s actually a lot sooner than I expected, Hypershock ending up on its side and no longer having the traction to correct itself.
Well, this certain was an interesting night. Better than an uninteresting night at any rate. Rest of the season is shaping up to be a classic.
Keeping expectations low tonight. You’ll see why.
PRELIMS DAY 10 3/9/23
Riptide (2-0) vs. Captain Shrederator (0-2)
Oh, wow, it looks like what was already the most infantile team in the sport has decided to compound the agony by making “constant screaming” its thing. 
On top of that, Brain Nabe, about a season and a half too late, is considering retirement, which I’m sure will go just as smoothly as Icewave’s retirement. Man, if any match justified muting, zapping through, and forgetting, it is this one. (Oh yeah, Rose gleefully informs us that CS’ greatest accomplishment is “two wins in a row”. His words, not mine. ) Anyway, the match: Bam bam bam bam CS gets destroyed. Next!
Mammoth (1-1) vs. Deathroll (1-1)
No rest for the weary. Rickey Willems and company, after narrowly outlasting Starchild, had to work around the clock just to get Mammoth in fighting trim. The tournament seems like a curse for them at this point. Deathroll swarms around and delivers a few jabs before taking out one of Mammoth’s forks…which seems to stop it cold. Just to make sure, Deathroll goes after the left wheel; not especially powerful hits, but enough to knock it completely askew, and that is very much that.
Banshee (1-1) vs. Emulsifier (0-2)
Martin Mason is in the booth for this one, and I didn’t think I’d be using the mute button that much tonight. This turns out to be another case of something beating nothing. Both bots just sort of mosey around the box while Emulsifier gets little hit after little hit, while Banshee fails to do anything whatsoever with its flipper. Banshee eventually grinds to a halt, and this one’s official. Another rookie won’t leave completely skunked, woo hoo, I guess.
Copperhead (2-0) vs. Kraken (0-2)
Matt Spurk’s cavalcade of pain continues, and that huge cardboard cutout of Luke Quintal’s face isn’t helping any. The fight: Kraken can’t get under control, Copperhead pounds on it, Copperhead pounds on it some more, Kraken gets knocked on its back and can’t recover, Copperhead continues pounding it, Kraken gets back on its wheels, Copperhead pounds on it, Kraken stops moving. This has been an absolutely freaking miserable night.
First Quintal says that he can win the Giant Nut, then he says that he will win the Giant Nut. He really should’ve stopped at the former, which even now is looking like a bit of a stretch. The latter, of course, is just delusion. 
Horizon (0-2) vs. Shatter (0-2)
Hoo boy. 
You know how it is in the NFL when two teams that have looked completely terrible all season face each other, and the only hope anyone has is that it’ll at least turn into a servicably entertaining clown show, but they’re both so weak and unable to put pressure on the other that even that can’t happen? That’s the vibe I’m getting from this match. Incidentally, Horizon has a long bar minibot whose purpose is essentially to trip up Shatter, which is a thing that’s theoretically possible, anyway.
The minibot loses control and wanders off almost immediately. Horizon starts the fight proper with a few chops at Shatter’s armored front. Plastic goes flying. Shatter swings and (you see it coming, right) misses. More plastic is shed. Shatter gets a hit which (stop me if you’ve heard this before) does no visible damage. Horizon spins around and around taking more dinky bites at Shatter’s front while Shatter goes into mochi-pounding-with-no-mochi mode. Shatter lands an epic miss which catapults it onto the upper deck, which thus far was something only Huge could do, and will very likely provide the only entertainment of this “fight”. To quote one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite games (Titanic: Adventure Out of Time. You haven’t heard of it. It’s on Steam.): “The rest of the story is…depressingly familiar.” It get so bad that Florian, for the first time I can remember, points out how Shatter whiffs all the time.
Freaking finally. Lots of premature celebration in the Shatter camp, and this time it has a pretty good chance of backfiring. Fingers crossed.
Horizon lost a spinner, Shatter lost the usual. Not surprisingly, it’s a splitter. Davis - Horizon, Young - Shatter, Winter…milking it a bit more than necessary…Horizon! Another rookie team is spared the indignity of a lost season. Let’s be quite clear, this bot is never accomplishing anything meaningful and every season is going to be a huge struggle for it, but it proved that it’s not completely hopeless, which is a big statement. On the other end, if Adam Wrigley was feeling creeping doom after getting whomped by Beta, it’s closer to stampeding doom now…
…hold the phone, he’s appealing. Ermmmmmmmm… Eh, you only live once. I mean, I sure as hell don’t see how an Elmer Fudd with a scythe impression demonstrates superior damage, control, or aggression, but if he wants to take a Hail Mary here, he has every right. One thing I do not like is his declaration that screaming “Run away! Run away!” should automatically make aggression 3-0 for Shatter. Trying to dictate to the judges says hubris to me, and I do not need to see that in anyone, even reality TV personalities.
Okay now, here’s the difference between this and yesterday’s Malice/Valkyrie match. See, in that one there was something the judges missed, i.e. Malice’s spinner very briefly firing back up at the end of the match. But in today’s match, there was nothing the judges missed. Hell, you could take “the judges missed” out of that sentence and it’d be largely correct. So, after a very short deliberation, the decision…on the decision: the decision stands! Hey, guess what…the system STILL works! (Jerks!)
Ominous (0-1) vs. Shreddit Bro (1-0)
The last two bots that haven’t had their second fight yet. Wonder why it took this long. Thus far all I got is that they haven’t looked too impressive so far. Just as a reminder, Ominous is a small yellow triangle with a double disk in the front while Shreddit Bro is square with a blue roller-style spinner.
SB goes out a few feet and stops, while Ominous creeps out and…creeps out some more. Ominous, which is equipped with omniwheels, gradually strafes towards its foe. First hit, a jab to SB’s left front wheel. SB pivots around and manages to meet Ominous head on for a wepper; Ominous is flipped backward and skids all the way to the wall. As they say, not a good look. Ominous gets back in the game, but both bots’ weapons are suffering from that hit…and…they’re done.
Huh. Wasn’t expecting to get to the oshi-oshi stage this soon, and with bots this small, it’s going to be a mighty struggle to have anything other than a cuddling duel. Which, as it turns out, is exactly what happens. Rose: “This has turned into an NBA fight where everybody is just staring at each other saying ‘C’mon hit me! C’mon hit me!’” Damning. Ominous’ spinner regains a bit of life, but nowhere near enough to actually take anything off of SB. And…SB is not moving…and…SB is moving. Things are now so desperate that there’s a clip of Matt Vasquez (Whiplash) and Tom Brewster (Monsoon) talking about the upcoming main event, just to break up the monotony. Ominous gets a couple ineffectual pops. The crowd does not sound happy. They flipping count down the final seconds, clearly as desperate for this to be over with as the producers.
If Banshee/Emulsifier was something beating nothing, this is more like next to nothing beating nothing to nothing. It’s a yooner, and it’s for, no surprise, Ominous. Goddammit, can we have one decent semi-main this season? Just one??
Main event - Whiplash (0-2) vs. Monsoon (1-1)
We’re at the main event, which I am very excited for because it means this thoroughly execrable episode is nearly over.
Whiplash boldly advances and sort of bounces off of Monsoon’s front. Then it shifts to the right, avoiding that menacing wheel spinner, and powers forward. Monsoon hits the wall and…I certainly heard a big hit, but both bots just kinda tumble around. Maybe the force was equally divided between them, I dunno. After a bunch of juking, Whiplash gets a little hit which topples Monsoon, but it can operate just fine in either orientation. Whiplash attempts another wall slam but trips over something on the floor. Monsoon, in a common problem for verticals, side-wheels several times. Whiplash takes another nibble. Monsoon’s spinner…makes contact…and…Whiplash is upended but Monsoon gets knocked back. Monsoon is betraying a serious power deficit in the early going.
There’s a wepper, and Whiplash seems to have taken the worst of it. Whiplash puts its forks into action, destabilizing Monsoon but not able to get another wall slam. Head-on attack, a few sparks, and Monsoon is against the screws. It looks like Whiplash’s weapon is down; Florian speculates as to whether this is intentional. Whiplash powers forward again and muscles Monsoon into the corner. Some wrestling, and Whiplash, in a questionable move, turns to meet Monsoon head on…which promptly carves up Whiplash’s left armor panel. For quite a while. And they have…a big head-on collision. And another. And…I’m honestly puzzled as to what Vasquez’s strategy is (yeah, I know, get in line). Monsoon manages to do some decent damage, carving up the forks and partially removing a top panel, but it’s still getting absolutely machinehandled (I say it’s a real made-up word! ). Vasquez shouts “hammer”, which is as sure a sign of his mounting desperation as you’ll see. The clown hammer obligingly drops on Monsoon and makes a bit of noise or whatever. Monsoon continues chipping away; it gets a fork stuck in a slot but quickly recovers and continues its death by a bunch of cuts assault.
Trouble. Whiplash’s left side drive is busted. It’s done a fine job of corralling Monsoon, but what can it do now? Erm…spin up its weapon and…go for more weppers. This fight is pretty much the polar opposite of what Florian called last week’s Malice/Valkyrie.
I’m reminded of the chess adage “Don’t make moves that help your opponent”. Vasquez was able to dictate the entire fight, and this would have been a decisive yooner in favor of Whiplash if it didn’t invite so much of a pounding. As it is, it’s a splitter, which both teams are unhappy about. Winter - Monsoon, Davis - Whiplash, Young - Whiplash. Vasquez can finally exhale now, and he sounds suitably grateful in his victory comments.
Florian gives his bracket prospects. I don’t do “if the playoffs started today” pie-in-the-sky foolishness, so I’ll spare you.
Whoa, we’re not done yet? There’s a list of Week 10 appeals…man, the new regime is being put to the test early! First is the already-settled Horizon vs. Shatter. Second is Ominous vs. Shreddit Bro, and third is…oh, come on…Whiplash vs. Monsoon. Sheesh, why can’t some people just accept that there will be close ones? Anyway, Rose…using a lot more words that I thought were necessary, BTW (yeah, I know, get in line)…gives the results. Ominous vs. Shreddit Bro was completely unchanged. Whiplash vs. Monsoon…oh goddesses, this is priceless…not only did the winner not change, but on review Winter reversed her decision, giving Whiplash a yooner!
Excuse me for a moment…
AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA 
WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, YOU FREAKING TOOLS! YOU COULDN’T HAVE KICKED YOURSELVES IN THE BUTT ANY HARDER IF YOU USED A STEAM-POWERED AHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAH!
…ahhhhh.
Well, it was a thoroughly abysmal episode, but at least I was able to leave on an…amusing note. I’ll take it. See you next week, g’bye! 
I always like reading your synopsi ( is that a word? ).
Yeah that was like watching two hours of ( American ) football: 90 minutes of dull, low intensity bullshit, 7 or 8 minutes of visceral action, the rest commentary, some interesting, some not.
I was making large attempts at figuring out what was the issue with Shatter. Between the wild repeated hammer swinging with reckless abandon as would an impish 2 year old given a hammer, and the grossly ill-timed swings. My final judgement was they must have had radio issues, causing large lags between commands, and when the damn thing actually swings. Same for drive. Maybe that’s why they would flail away every now and then, hoping to bracket the few fleeting moments they actually had effective proximity with the opponent.
Those were some tragically underwhelming matches.
Has there ever been an even moderately successful hammerbot in Battlebots (please don’t say Beta [snort])? How can a hammer be improved to be effective? It seems to be a “weapon” that relies mostly on luck to hit an opponent. The swing of the hammer takes so much time that a victim with any kind of mobility will be long gone between the time the hammer fires and when it lands.
Agree on the hammer bots. They seem only marginally more effective than minibots and drones.
ETA: I seem to recall the first iteration of Chomp winning an occasional bout, but that’s not saying much.
“Synopses”.
I seriously doubt Shatter’s ineffectiveness has anything to do with technical issues, for the simple reason that every Shatter match is like that. If it really were a bad connection or subpar materials or whatnot, either the team would have fixed it by now or it would’ve gotten even worse (kind of like what we saw with Pain Train).
The painfully obvious problem with hammerers (emphasis on "painfully:) is speed). It’s simply not possible to make a weapon with a pivot point fast enough to either hit consistently or do appreciable damage without damaging the bot wielding it or at least seriously throwing it out of whack. Prime example in the last Skorpios match, where it did the equivalent of a car door bumping into a road sign. I’ve always believed that the ideal striking weapon was a piston. Same principle as breaking through that stubborn wall in The Titan Games: A sharp, fast, precise burst of linear force which punches through the target. No wasted motion, no allowing the opponent to escape, no ripping up the floor. Don’t know why no one’s ever tried this.
Success? Well, the thing you all need to understand is that it’s not necessary to have knockout power to win. Time limits have been ironclad from the very beginning, and there will never be any shortage of equally atrocious, beatable opponents (no matter what Rose claims). Hammerers are never going to win anything meaningful, but as long as they can provide some semblance of entertainment against the likes of Hijinx or Rusty or Kraken, they’ll never completely go away.
Wasn’t there a newbie machine one year that did try the battering ram/piston approach, maybe combined with some type of drum, that failed miserably? Maybe the one whose team togged themselves out as lawyers? Or I could well be mishmashing more than one losing approach together here.
I don’t know if this is/was the same one, but I do recall one where the weapon drum was retractable, but didn’t really seem to act in the fashion of a battering ram as such when it un-retracted.
An actual lance/ram capable of inflicting heavy on-point damage would have to be a piston actuated either hydraulically or perhaps electro-magnetically. The former could be made very powerful but the complexity and plumbing of the hydraulic system may have vulnerability issues.
For something compact and the ability to give a deadly punch with violent immediacy, I was thinking something that uses a a small electrically triggered explosive squib to generate gas charge to extend the actuator rod. Only trouble is a) how would you retract it? and b) it’s just a one shot and your done deal.
I think you’re right, that was the one I was half-assed recalling.
Okay, I’m watching a repeat show and the lawyer team I was thinking of was Double Jeopardy, a set of “lawyers by day, bot builders by night” who marched in wearing suits, toting briefcases, and fielding a cannon machine that took one decent shot at Ribbot, then got folded, spindled and mutilated to a KO.
Not a battering ram, a one-shot wonder.
Relevant post. As I recall, Double Jeopardy had two “normal” shots and a bit of other stuff, but it hardly mattered.
Just a warning that for some inexplicable reason, the season is taking a two week hiatus, making the next episode March 30. Just found out from the official website. Other sites have nothing.
I just found out when there was not a new episode to watch on the DVR.
I knew I remembered another pokebot: the unfortunate Bale Spear that appeared in “Bounty Hunters.” It beat Chomp by running into it a couple times before Chomp burst into flames. I don’t think Bale Spear even fired the piston. I believe that was their only win, if you can call it that.
Bit of bad news. On about a couple hours before the Week 11 broadcast was to begin, our house had a problem with an old backup system that kept zapping the power and prevented the DVR box from working. Luckily we were able to find someone to fix it pretty quickly, so I’m able to catch the April 6 repeat, but because it’s on the schedule I can’t watch it on VOD. Soooooo… it’s going to be a bit of a wait. I have a holiday next Friday, which looks to be a very busy day for me.
Yeah, it’s a bit frustrating having this happen after a bleedin’ two week layoff for no goddam reason I can think of, but I’ve suffered far worse.
Well, after a Team Rocket level of bungling of the rightsizing of our cable service by parties who shall not be named (mumblegrumble fricking know-nothing Boomers ), I am finally…FINALLY…able to watch Battlebots again. On VOD, but who’s counting at the point. I reflect on the fact that in the earlier days of television I’d have no recourse whatsoever and all I could do was…I dunno, buy some books or a rowing machine or something. Anyhoo.
PRELIMS DAY 11 3/30/23
Black Dragon (1-1) vs. Beta (2-0)
Somehow I don’t think BD’s not-knocked-out streak is in jeopardy tonight. Beta is sporting the “spatula” hammer and wraparound belt-style armor.
After some maneuvering, BD gets the first clean shot, upending Beta, which easily rights. Another solid hit, and bits of steel fly off. Beta makes a pretty swing which finds the floor. And another little swing to nowhere. BD pounds away, looking to create an opening. Beta’s taken several fruitless swipes, while BD is rattling that belt but not doing any real da…uh oh, Beta’s handling is getting shaky. BD gets a very nice hit to Beta’s unprotected back, and it’s up and over, and that’s truly the beginning of the end. A second big hit upends Beta again, and its hammer has stopped working, leaving it dead to rights.
BD builder Julio Cortez has a little trouble with the language, but otherwise his refreshing humility makes him very pleasant to listen to.
Cobalt (1-1) vs. Overhaul (1-1)
Somehow I’m not confident that flip-it-over-and-let-it-destroy-itself is the unbeatable strategy for Overhaul that Rose seems to think it is. Cobalt is sporting four double-tooth wedgelets in the hopes of preventing this occurrence.
Overhaul sort of nonchalantly drifts to the left. Cobalt moves in for the attack…and its right side gets air under it and hung up on the rail! Very bad look when this happens in the first few seconds. And then Overhaul provides a much, much worse look by gently pushing Cobalt off. From the front. At the very least take a free shot, for frag’s sake!! Cobalt rewards this selfless act of honor by smashing it airborne. Bunch of grappling with neither bot able to get its weapon within striking distance. Cobalt catches Overhaul’s underside; there’s a loud grinding sound and a bunch of metal is forcibly detached from Overhaul. Cobalt presses the attack and launches Overhaul two more times, the second dislodging yet more black stuff. It is damn well over for ‘Haul at this point (I don’t announce lame puns with sunglasses, what kind of imbecile does that ), the only question being whether it’ll be a slow death or a kinda slow death. Despite some shaky control, Cobalt eventually delivers the final blow, leaving Overhaul upended and too weak to right.
Should I…ah, heck with it.
OKAY, TIME OUT - All right…I get it. I get that nobody wants to see a fight decided by a fluke in the first ten seconds. I get that this sport is all about action and mayhem and the fans deserve to get what they paid for. I get yaocho (I mentioned that before, didn’t I?). But at some point the rules committee or ownership or whoever needs to codify this. What exactly the minimum time/damage should be, the reward for “giving the fans a fight”, and the penalty for putting oneself in a cheap loss situation whether or not the bot goes on to win. I’m all for taking measures to prevent cheapies, but they need to be enforced by rules that are official, agreed to, and consistently enforced. And until that happens, cheapies are 100% acceptable.
Preview of the main event. Rotator is having…problems. Victor Soto isn’t in “sucks to be you” territory yet, but he’s inching closer.
Switchback (1-1) vs. Ominous (1-1)
Florian, in an extremely damning admission, says that Switchback and Ominous have had “soft wins”. I mean, I agree completely, but brrr. Can you even imagine hearing something like this on American Ninja Warrior Junior or The Voice?
Tentative approach. Omniwheel-equipped Ominous is seemingly having trouble finding its motivation. They’re about to collide…it’s a wep…no, they just bump into each other; no weapon contact. And Switchback calmly spins away. Ominous pursues but gets caught on the floor. Switchback turns back around…and THERE’S a wepper, ladies and gents! Switchback is knocked over while Ominous remains firmly grounded. Another head-on collision, and another in passing, with much less impact. Switchback’s front wedge is bent upward, which is going to make offense a real problem for it. Switchback has trouble with control, running into an upper deck screw before beating a hasty retreat. Ominous pursues again and invites another wepper…uh oh. That’s why you shouldn’t roll the dice that many times. Switchback loses its wedge, but Ominous is upended. And guess what, its righter isn’t working. Switchback takes a swipe which gets Ominous up but not over. It backs off and Ominous’ wheels whirr helplessly, and that is very well that.
Switchback honcho Greg Needel is happy with how the match turned out and plans to carry his attrition strategy as far as it will go. Should be…interesting to watch for however long he lasts in the tournament.
Triton (0-2) vs. Glitch (0-2)
This is a make-or-break match for Team Glitch, who are now very desperate to prove that their jaw-dropping start wasn’t a fluke. Their strategy is to go weapon-on-weapon, which Rose thinks is a bad idea.
Both weapons spin up. Triton’s revamped spinner makes a high-pitched whine, which is something you never want to hear no matter what part of the team is making it, ba-tum tish. Triton takes a shot at Glitch’s left and gets spun around. Some running around by Triton while Glitch tries to get some control in those omniwheels. Triton gets a clean shot to Glitch’s right. Someone shouts “Yes!”, and for once this celebration isn’t hopelessly premature as Glitch starts smoking heavily. Will Bales…oh, did I forget to mention that he’s in the booth this match? Yeah. Very low-key; I like him a lot better than the clowns they’ve had lately…says it best: “It’s bad when the magic smoke comes out.” Glitch has completely lost its right side drive, so it’s just a matter of how many more cuts Triton is going to employ for the death-by. Triton creeps in…and…
…wepper. Which sends it skyward.
OKAY, TIME OUT - AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! Don’t! Make! Moves! That! Help! Your! Opponent! Why is this so…gaaaaaaah.
Triton actually survived that, incredibly enough, but Glitch can still barely wobble on its one non-trashed wheel, so it’s not over. On top of that, Triton’s belt is all tangled up, rendering its weapon useless. And once again a fight that SHOULD have ended in a convincing knockout degenerates into another rousing rendition of Limp Around The Clock! I swear, these pinhead drivers are going to be the death of me. Triton feebly pushes Glitch toward the wall in an attempt to make it own-goal itself into oblivion, a maneuver Bales deems “smart”, which is truly sad for a number of reasons. All right…the spinner (which Glitch’s driver doesn’t power down for some strange reason) makes contact with the wall, and the force sends both bots tumbling. But Triton can still move, while Glitch is inverted with no righter…and…geez, after such complete early dominance, it’s taking advantage of a really stupid design flaw that’s the winning move? Well…yeah. Bales calls it an “upset”, and I have to stop now because I genuinely like the guy.
Gigabyte (0-2) vs. Starchild (0-2)
Based on history, I’m going to call this for Gigabyte. Based on this season’s opposition…yeah, definitely Gigabyte. I hate to say this (because variety is good), but at this point Starchild looks like simply a bad design.
Gigabyte slithers around as it spins up. Starchild struggles to get some controlled movement. Everyone’s waiting for the first hit. It happens when Gigabyte charges straight down the middle, squarely hitting Starchild in the thwacker (I think that’s what it’s called). Both bots are rattled, but Gigabyte takes a couple lumps from the walls for good measure. A slow approach, and Gigabyte hits Starchild’s weapon from the side. Finally Gigabyte’s young, untested driver decides to get serious and go after the wheels. One hit lands squarely on the wheel, which is now looking wobbly. Then another…and one of those wheels is starting to come apart. And the shot knocks a big chunk of it clean off. It can still move, but it has the handling of a car about to exit a demolition derby. As long as Gigabyte carefully presses its advantage and avoids self-destructing, it has this in the bag. Gigabyte’s driver, obviously learning a few things from the first two matches, does exactly that, taking clean shots at every opportunity and being content to lock down a safe victory. Starchild…I gotta admit, even though it’s completely out of it and looks ridiculous, it’s so ridiculous that it’s actually kind of funny! Flopping and flooping and slipping and blipping and lurching and smurching, but it stays mobile and, honestly, wouldn’t have been counted out under the old rules.
And this one improbably goes the distance! I have to say, this is by far the most entertaining one-sided massacre I’ve seen all season. Gigabyte with a clear and much-needed yooner.
Preview of the Bloodsport/Rotator main event. Nothing we don’t already know.
Captain Shrederator (1-2) vs. Jackpot (1-2)
Our first season-ender, and fittingly it’s between a pair of uninspiring also-rans. (How did I know this would be the semi-main? ) Rose sounds downright muted at how underwhelming Jackpot’s been so far. Then some words with Brian Nabe and…oh man. Remember that week 10 match (I know it’s been a while) where Riptide kept pounding on CS after it was clearly out of it? That did about 4K-5K worth of damage…and Nabe is ticked about that. “There’s no rule against hitting people like that, but we just don’t do it. Because we know how much work, we know how much money, we know how much time goes into these things, and you’re not going to do that to a friend of yours.” Let me be quite clear: This isn’t Martin Mason doing a clownish persona to rile up the fans, this is genuine anger at a driver’s immaturity and bad sportsmanship. Which is why the sport cannot…CAN NOT…allow repulsive brats like Ethan Kurtz to take over. Battlebots is not the NFL. It has failed before and can fail again, and driving out anyone with an ounce of empathy is as sure a way as any to do it.
(Oh, lovely, World War 2 era cliches, that’s exactly what I watch this show for, Florian! )
CS meanders into the corner. Jackpot, which looks like it was reconfigured to attack low-riding bots, pursues and grinds away. And grinds some more. Then abruptly retreats, turns around, and kinda-sorta charges. Biggish hit, not sure what the point of that was. Jackpot keeps the pressure on and chips away. Rose compares it to a Lennox Lewis fight, which is generally bad news for the bot in the Mike Tyson role. CS goes into the walls a few times, and it looks like Jackpot’s weapon has lost some juice. Someone in the Jackpot camp says “Awaking the slob, Jess,” and yeah, I still think we need subtitles. Finally a big shot which knocks off one of CS’ wedges and leaves it badly wobbling, and, yeah, sadly, that’s all she wrote. Jackpot’s spinner is now even less potent, and the driver is seemingly content to run out the clock, which is exactly what happens. Jackpot with the obvious yooner.
Jeff Waters regales the announcers with some really stupid numerology.
Main event - Bloodsport (1-1) vs. Rotator (1-1)
Rotator looks much different now, with heavy front armor opposite the plow. Bloodsport is going with its “cross” spinner.
Bloodsport takes a swing at Rotator’s armor, spinning it back. Rotator turns the cutter, and it’s a wepper. They approach again, and Bloodsport hacks away on Rotator’s blade side. Its reach advantage is giving Rotator trouble early on. Rotator fires back, getting a nice hit en passant (I always wanted to use that one! ), then surging ahead and putting it on the upper deck screw. Bloodsport is helpless at the moment, but Rotator, for whatever reason, is incredibly hesitant…a little churning…and Bloodsport is off and running. (Doesn’t anyone know how to take a free shot?) And guess what, it’s another wepper, which benefits the sturdier bot…which is Bloodsport, as Rotator is slowing down. Bloodsport pounces, eager to seal the deal…ooh, lost a bit off the top, but it means nothing at this point as Rotator is stopped.
Wild celebration in the Bloodsport camp. Justin Marple is absolutely thrilled at the win; you can feel the optimism just emanating off of him. After an absolutely crushing humiliation against Copperhead in week three, this squad has bounced completely back, and there’s no reason to believe it won’t romp over Beta in its season ender. This team is going places. (Don’t know how many, but definitely plural! ) On the other end…and there’s always an other end, even if this show rarely has time for them…Victor Soto is having trouble keeping his motivation up. He should win his final match, against Fusion, but it’s become regrettably clear that he just cannot beat a top opponent, and that’s exactly what he’s getting right off the bat if he makes the tournament.
It’s good to be back! Should have day 12 before the long weekend is over.