Be my friend?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well, I could try to do this the short way and hope for hugs, but I’m going to try to explain, I think.

I’m a dual major headed into finals. This time of the year is not the least stressful of my days. <insert huge, but expected, school woes>

I’m a gamer. I did the Bad Thing and agreed to date my DM. He is a great guy, and a wonderful boyfriend. One thing led to another, it got serious, and became evident that he would be a very bad husband for me, regardless of his wishes to get married. I tried to make it work, tried to explain that I cannot marry someone who is not both happy and productive, the majority of the time, without me watchdogging him. Its a serious issue for marriage, non existant for just boyfriend/girlfriend.

He got better at actually doing things like getting jobs, going back to school, etc. I decided that I couldn’t deal with it, that I didn’t want to try to trust him not to relapse.

So I broke up with him. And since my gaming crew never saw the issues, they are ‘siding’ with him and I am no longer fit for company. Or civility for that matter.

These are what I thought were my friends. All of them. DM included, I’m quite fond of every single one of them. I don’t have much time for socialization in my life and almost every ounce of it for the last several years has been spent with this group and suddenly because a romantic relationship was no longer good for me and I had the guts to walk away from it I am as nothing.

I refuse to believe that this makes sence. I hate to belive that I could have made such poor choices in friends. I’d rather not believe that I did something so horribly wrong here. He’s a great guy, he’s just got growing to do that I don’t feel is my responsibility. Should I have just stayed with him, going out and never intending to marry him when that was his goal and I knew it? I was honest and forthright, caring and loving, honorable and good in my dealings with all of them, as I try to be with my dealings with anyone. I know I’m proud, and I know I don’t suffer fools gladly, but I try to be gentle, and I try to see more sides to issues than my own.

Even so, I’m confused and feeling betrayed. And since this is my group of friends, I pretty much don’t have anyone to run to at the moment.

I need a hug. Comments/stories/helpful hints would be nice too.

2

{{{{{{{{{{Medea’s Child}}}}}}}}}}
And you did the right thing. Even if it’s hard now, think how much harder it would be to go through a divorce in a few years.

Good Luck with everything!!

3

In the end you can only be true to yourself. You did the right thing. It would have been unfair to both of you to continue in a relationship. The issues you brought up would only cause further pain and grief later.

As to your so-called friends…well, there really isn’t much to say is there? Perhaps they are uncomfortable with the whole situation. Were they his friends first? If so, then they are going to remain loyal to him. It’s sad, but true.

I know it must be painful, but it’s time step out and make new friends. Friends come and go and it’s rare to find one who will stick with you through thick and thin.
In your heart you know you’ve made the right decision. In your heart you know a true friend would tell you this. You’ll make it. It sounds like you’ve got a head on your shoulders.

(((((((((Hug)))))))

4

Medea’s Child: My god, the same thing happened to me. I dated my Ars Magica storyteller (well, he was my friend well before that). We melded our friend groups together to the point where they were inseparable, and then, when we broke up, some people took sides. People that were supposed to be both of our friends. It sucked, and I really haven’t gamed much since.

Sometimes this happens. You trust people, but they turn out to be unworthy. I urge you not to second guess your decision to stop dating your DM. If the relationship was unfulfilling to you, you wouldn’t be doing anyone any favors by staying with him, including him. You did the right thing. Make that your mantra.

Anyone who “takes sides” in a break-up was never really your friend. I know that’s hard to take, and it makes you feel terrible, but you will survive this. Take those finals, then spend some time pampering yourself and reconnecting with other friends outside this group. Let us know how it goes.

5

Sweetie!

You’re always good for a hug. You know I don’t do the emoticon and brackets sort of feel-guud thang, but you have got massive hugs right now. All you want.

You did the right thing by wanting someone who is productive and stable. Nothing stinks like having to be a mommy instead of a lover. Email me, and we can set up a chat if you need to. You always have friends, you only need to realize it.

6

((((Medea’s Child))))

No, you weren’t wrong. You did what was best for you, right now, at this point in your life.

As for the other friends, well, they’re not getting the bigger picture. However, you can’t force it on them. If they choose to ask you, and you choose to share, they may come around. This happened to me not too terribly long ago, in fact.

One of my husband’s friends, who has become a good friend of mine also, one day just outright asked me what was going on between my husband and me. He said that the reason he was asking was because all he’d heard was Tim’s side, but he was pretty sure there just had to be more. There was, and I shared it with him.

Now, this friend has managed to get the whole story, and understands much better that the failure of our marriage is not ALL my fault, and not ALL Tim’s fault. And he’s still a good friend to both of us.

7

Not to make light of your pain, but your are a girl who plays RPGs, right?

You can take your pick from millions of guys who will be stable and responsible.

It sounds like you got pressured into dating the guy in the first place. You did the right thing breaking up with him. You weren’t compatible, and now you can both go and find people you can comfortably grow with.

I know this sounds trite, but it’s true. In ten years, you won’t even remember this.

It’s no help, I know, but you will still be here ten years from now.

8

Thanks guys.

takes a deep breath It all helps, really. I just finished a long dinner with a not quite mutual friend. (another college student rather than another adult. I’m the only “kid” in the gaming group, the rest of them, including my ex are in their 30’s) It was good to sit around and do college student things. (woo-hoo two hours drinking tea and talking about TV, majors, finals, professors, and small furry mammals!)

Its good to hear that my side does actually make sense. Makes it feel less like I’m living in a bad Twilight Zone episode.

DeVena Yea, the divorce thing would really suck. Part of what drove the point home for me so stridently is that it is the same behavior that my father displays and has ruined my parent’s relationship. I grew up with my parents hating each other because my dad would never follow through on his grand plans, would always mope around, would always make excuses. I know how that marriage turns out. I refuse to repeat it. If the sacrifice of a few friends and a hobby is what it takes to avoid my mom’s life…small enough price.

Taters Yes, you can only be true to yourself. I’m just worried about what this will do to my already small ability to truly trust others. Its certainly not going to help. I generally do have a pretty good head on my shoulders, for the most part I make excellent decisions and I have the guts to carry them out. Its this paper thin skin that keeps getting in the way. My emotions are just so evident to anyone who knows me well.

Rubystreak that’s pretty much my plan. Kick butt academically for two more weeks and then sleep, maybe finagle a weekend home. Paint my new room and hang out with my new housemate (who is really cool, and a gamer! bonus!)

Zenster Thank you, as always. Again, knowing that my actions aren’t totally devoid of reason to an outside observer helps. More than you can imagine. I’m probably going to be offline over the weekend (no internet at the apartment, lots of offline schoolwork) but if I’m still in the dumps on Monday I will e-mail you. (and then you will never be rid of me, my plan for stalking is complete, mwahaha!)

Presephone That’s all I want, I know I didn’t do everything perfectly, but an admission that they know me to be a generally good person and some measure of trust that the spiteful bitch they are treating me like is not the girl that they have know for years, including the horrible break up with my high school boyfriend. I keep thinking that they should know me better than this. They were there when I refused to let them bash my other ex, they have to know the respect and care that I hold for each and every one of them. I have done nothing to deserve this.
I have never behaved so terribly toward another person as they are behaving toward me now, and they have seen some of the darkest days of my life to date. I could understand it from one of his drinking buddies who hasn’t met me more than once…

I’m babbling again.

Thank you all, so much. it helps, it means a lot.

9

Medea. Of course, I’ll always be there to drive you to a dopefest. Just ask. And <hugs> for your current situation.

Perhaps it will take your mind off it if you could explain to an old fart like me what-the-hell is it about gaming relationships? And rubystreak just posted something about the same thing happening to her with a gamer?.

Please, someone explain to an old fuddy-duddy. What is the connection to games/magic? Is this just a modern version of an older professor mesmerizing a student/grad. student, and having his way with her?

10

grin You have a point. Not that I’m much concerned with picking anyone new at the moment, but when I am, you have a point.

What gets me is that my ex and I are pretty much fine with it. We had a couple of mopey days but he invited me for gaming Saturday, and when the rest of the crew backed out (because seeing me would not be good for him, you see) he asked if I was willing to come play my favorite charactor on a solo. (Basically, a huge present, right under a puppy. Running a group char as a solo is really frowned upon in our group, so he’d take huge heat for it from the others. I have solo chars for times when it was just him and me.)

So its the rest of the group that’s being shi- er…poopy about it.

11

Gets better. She’s blonde, smart as hell and nice. She’s not just a GamerChick [sup]TM[/sup], she’s a Hot GamerChick [sup]TM[/sup].

Please turn to the appropriate page of your Guide to Pursuing GamerChicks:)

12

Oh, gaming relationships?

Well, they end up either really good or really bad. Kind of for the same reason you aren’t supposed to date within any other boss-subordinate relationship. In RPGs there is a member of the crew that is essentially God. They run the world that everyone else plays in.

In my case, Neil was a pretty good DM (or ST, or God.) and never really played favorites. (That anyone could see at least, he’s serious about gaming and does a good job) But the issue is not when the relationship is good, for the most part. If the player is good, and the group is good, and the DM is good, gaming should be good regardless. But when the relationship tanks, a huge chunk of the usual support system is crushed. I pretty much have to find a new gaming group, which is only slightly less annoying than trying to find a new job, or a new family.

So in general, you don’t date your DM. Ever. DM isn’t supposed to ask a player out. Players don’t even think about asking out the DM. It may work better in other situations, but I haven’t seen one. Best is if the DM is married/stable relationship with a non gamer.

Its just an added anti-bonus to the whole situation.

13

I may make punha’s last post my new sig. The ego boost is good.

now how to make it fit right…

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(((((((((((Medea’s Child)))))))))))

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"[Medea’s Child] is blonde, smart as hell and nice. She’s not just a GamerChick [sup]TM[/sup], she’s a Hot GamerChick [sup]TM[/sup].

Please turn to the appropriate page of your Guide to Pursuing GamerChicks."

That work?:slight_smile:

16

889179?

17

It looks like a Kings of Chaos ID
http://www.kingsofchaos.com/page.php?id=566339

that’s my link. (You want to click it, make me an army man, please…or if the mods think this isn’t mundane enough, delete the link, please) Its an online game where you get assigned a link and every click on it creates a new memeber of your army. If someone signs up through your link they become an officer in your army. There’s fighting and money too. I’m an elf and earlier today I looted almost ten grand off of careful chosen vict-er enemies of the peace. Its a great stress reliever.

On further research, its not a KoC user ID, and Anna tells me that she didn’t see she typed it. (Luna Child is my sister. No, you can’t date her. Ever.)