Dumped. Wow does this hurt!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is the sort of post that always seems most appropriate to post on a lonely Saturday evening.

My girlfriend of the past ~16 months broke up with me a week ago Friday. She said I had become too negative of a person, and that that was making her unhappy, and she didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. This past week I have just gone through the motions of my daily life. And walking. Oh my gosh have I done a lot of walking because it is suffocating to be inside!

She said she loved me even as she spent two hours gathering all of her stuff at my place into her car (talk about an awkward time; I am not sure of the proper etiquette for the dumpee during this time).

I’m so upset and my heart is shattered! She was supposed to move in with me in October, and unless we couldn’t stand living together, I have no doubt that we would have been engaged in the not to distant future, because we have so much in common, from many shared interests, to lifestyle choice preferences to world viewpoints. It seems like something relatively minor in my power to fix was what did us in.

She was right about me though–I have been super stressed at work for a while now. Being a federal employee in this day and age, I’ve felt under constant siege from all sides, and we are understaffed in my office. She also didn’t get along with my mother, so I was stuck in the middle. I’m almost 40, and have had a general sense of ennui about where I am, where I should be, and what I want out of the rest of my life. I’m also rather introverted and I have not bothered to maintain a large number of friendships, so she had to bear the brunt of my negativity and she finally couldn’t take it anymore.

The lines of communication broke down between us. Small things became bigger issues that we didn’t discuss directly, instead we retreated. It was a viscous cycle. I feel like most of this is my fault.

I don’t know what lies ahead or if reconciliation is possible. She seems to be acting like she’s already moved on, but it may just be a brave face.

She introduced me to a gaming group 6 months ago. Many of the people are her friends that go back a few years and she is particularly close with a few of them. They welcomed me with open arms, and recently, for the first time in several years, I was really starting to feel like I belonged somewhere. I’d like to go back, and by all rights I can do so (it’s not a private group, but an open-admission club), but I can’t do that until there is resolution with her. So I’ve lost my main social outlet too, just when I really needed it.

Everything tastes bland right now. If it wasn’t for my dog, who is beyond awesome, and benzodiazepines I don’t know how I would be managing.

2

:frowning: Hang in there!

3

I don’t know if prefer George Jones or Elvis Costello but this is probably the best break up song.
But then listen to this.

4

Life’s a bitch. Whatchugonna do? :frowning:

5

Do “The 180.”

6

I’m really sorry! Eat lots of ice cream and indulge yourself for a while. But eventually, when you start feeling better, undertake this as an opportunity to become a more positive person. I’m not saying you have to fart rainbows, but *nobody *wants to spend time with a negative Norman.

7

Nonsense. Put down that spoon.

Get angry. Get in the gym. Swim/bike/run a bunch of miles. Then get up early the next morning and do it all over again.

Your head and body will thank you.

8

I’m sorry for you, ataraxy22. I hope you’ll be able to still find some happiness in life.

9

It is really hard to lose not just your partner but also the circle of friends that you had started to connect with. Maybe this is a good opportunity to start a gaming group yourself? Or get involved in some other social event like joining a book club, exercise class, etc. Even though I never felt like socializing after a breakup, getting around other people is the first step to recovering in my experience.

10

I’m so sorry that your relationship didn’t work out. She probably wasn’t the right girl for you, but every knock is a boost, and the next one will be better. I know how devastated you must be. Keep the on-line group, no reason for you to leave it.
I don’t know why your mom would be involved, unless you live with her or she comes around a lot. If so, maybe it’s time for you and your dog to find your own place. Mothers can be very possessive of their sons, and that can sometimes be a problem.
Good luck, you sound like a nice sensitive, hard-working man, and you deserve to be loved, it’ll take time till you find another girl, but you will. Sixteen months is a long time, so you must’ve done some things right. Hold your head high.

11

Some guesses and blind advice from the internet:

  1. She is already with someone else. Its just how it is. Its just how it always is; that’s not even much of a guess.

  2. If you see her with him/her can you be cool about it? Can you let it roll off you like rain? (that is a goal, btw. Its an important one too.) You need to do what it takes inside to make that a yes before you can be with people.

  3. When #2 is yes, you can game with that group. I say go back because you’ve made friends with those people and friendship means you don’t blow your nose on them & toss them away. Give them a chance…they gave you one.
    If you get asked to leave (make sure its not just one or two bitchy friends trying to make the group their own special tea party; the world is chock-full of those special asshats) then you’ll have to game elsewhere or do something else.
    But as long as you are there, know that you’ll be drawn to what your Ex is doing. That’s natural. You’ve loved her. You’ll always notice her, even if its just from the corner of your eye. You’ll see how she moves, hear her manner of speaking.
    You need to train yourself to be cool and let it go before you can be anywhere near her. But you can’t hover or even be around her for more than 1 in 20 opportunities. That, and some of her friends may tease you about losing her.
    You need to be able to ignore that. Remember: Beating the living snot out of any of them is no way to keep friends or stay out of jail.

  4. Until #2 is yes (and for a long time after), you’ll need something to get your head where it needs to be. I think Quicksilver’s advice is usually good, but here its the bullseye: Gym as well as push-ups & sit-ups & running outside.
    August & September means good outside weather; use it to your advantage. Also, get that 21-day exercise habit started. No Excuses.

  5. Your dog has been with it with you through it all. Spoil him/her. Take your dog running & to dog parks & on day trips. That dog has earned some spoiling, amiright?

PS- Nothing I’ve posted is intended to judge you or hurt you. Its the internet; take everything with a grain of salt.

12

Look at the odds.

158.3 million females in the United States in 2011.
153.3 million males.

There’s got to be at least a million women out waiting to find you.
Take your dog to a dog park and don’t come home until you’ve got a date.

13

It’s much better to have this happen on the front end than after kids or wasting years and years.

As a post mortem being with a stressed, negative person is extremely wearying. If you are acknowledging that’s the kind of person you have become you might want to work on that or the next relationship will crash and burn also. Don’t blame the job it is what it is. You need to look at other life options if the job is making your personality toxic or you need to change your attitude about the job.

I have no idea what went on re your mother, but if your parents are polite and it’s just a personality clash there’s nothing you can do. However, smart women will not hang around if a man does not take a stand to defend them or tell their parents to politely butt out if they start getting unreasonably obnoxious. A man who shrugs his shoulders and says “What can I do she’s my mom” if his parents are rude to his SO is rightly perceived as a worm and it’s a huge red flag for a woman.

If you’re almost 40, your job is uncertain, you are stressed and you are taking drugs to sleep you might want to think about a sea change in your lifestyle. I have no idea how physically active you are, but it might be more productive to focus on a hard core exercise/fitness/nutrition plan for improving your overall health than looking back to re-joining the gaming group of your ex. I think you need to craft a different path for yourself at this point vs walking in the same ruts.

14

Be glad that yours left before she stabbed you; wish my last one had. Really.

Go to that gaming club and hang if you like doing it. But don’t go just to hope to have a chance to run into her. Show her that your a big boy and can still function. The key is to keep functioning so that the next one (or her) sees that you capable of rebounding from a break up. No one wants to be with someone who is known for breaking up badly.

15

All I can say is, much as it hurts, it’s a good thing she cut the cord before she moved in or you got engaged or married. I know the woman here is the bad guy but she realized it was a situation she couldn’t live with. Instead of dragging her feet, hoping things would get better, not wanting to ‘hurt your feelings’, she decided this was a no-go. I’m sorry, I know how you feel, I know how painful, but better to rip the bandaid off quick than go through the motions for years of an unhappy relationship (for both of you). Best of luck to you, things will get better, just have to go through one of life’s suckiest events.

16

I’m so sorry. It really does suck :frowning: Glad you have your pup for company, I would never have gotten through my last two breakups without mine!

I really hope you are able to continue attending the gaming group, that sounds like a good place for you. Since you didn’t really part on bad terms, I hope she won’t have a problem with that.

17

Thanks for all of you who have commented and made suggestions. I’ve never been dumped before. All my previous relationship ended when the other person acknowledged what I already knew–that the relationship had run its course (except for one where I was the dumper, although that wasn’t precisely true and is outside the scope of this thread).

To clarify on a couple of points: my mother lives several hours away. My girlfriend and her were supposed to cook Thanksgiving together last year, and so I put them in touch by email to plan the menu. My mother was inflexible about any new foods, and sent long, rambling emails to my girlfriend that had nothing to do about the menu, which kind of spooked her and made her really nervous about spending time with her. My mother then had a series of medical setbacks that started two nights before Thanksgiving, and so was in the hospital in my town over the holiday and missed the dinner. My girlfriend was kind of glad that she didn’t have to spend time with her. My girlfriend’s opinion in this regard gradually diminished, but every time I have visited my parents since, I have been driven to anger or upset by something my mother has done, and I have told my girlfriend about this. Around the end, my girlfriend was resolved to have nothing to do with my mother because of how she upsets me. My mother is a very difficult person to get along with. She probably has some sort of martyr complex or other condition, but refuses to ever get diagnosed or work on it. She’s pushing 75 so her health is not great either.

The gaming group is rather large - 30 to 50+ people attend an average session, and it is somewhat easy to avoid someone if desired. A lot of people in it seem to have made it the central social component of their lives, and so not surprisingly a lot of intra-group dating happens, which means there are a lot of people in it who’s ex’s are still in it, even if they are dating or married to someone else in it, and they all have to find ways to get along.

My ex likes to have a very full calendar. When we first started dating, the biggest issue was that there was not enough time on her calendar for us, as even much of the weekends were packed with things she had to do. She finally worked to create space on her calendar for me, but then she started to fill all that space back up again (and then some) with gamer group activities, until by this summer, if I wasn’t doing a gaming thing with her, we’d have maybe a weekend afternoon and that evening per week together. This wasn’t enough. Also, she got in her mind that I wouldn’t play the game properly, that I’d try to sabotage it (?!), and so didn’t want to play it with me as part of the larger group. Thus we were usually in separate rooms when in attendance together.

Me getting involved in other group activities is a good idea. The trouble for me is that it is really difficult to get out there and meet new people. Unless there are structured meetings that force interactions mixed and there is also downtime, I generally don’t meet people from large groups except very slowly. Most of my socialization with local people tends to be with whom I am dating and their friends, or a handful of other friends, none of who know each other and who are mostly busy with their own lives. I live in a rather isolated location surrounded by people mostly older than me raising families. Mostly I don’t care about being socially isolated, but under the current circumstances, it really is difficult. I have been doing a lot of walking and hiking with my dog though, and she loves it.

My ex told me that since we are both conflict adverse people, similar tendencies cause us to not work to solve small problems before they become larger. In the past week, she’s been trying to convince the world about how happy she is, but I don’t think that a normal human leaves a relationship with the words she used when she broke up with me and truly feels in her heart feels the way she claims she does now.

Finally, I totally understand about how being with a perpetually glum and negative person can wear someone down over time and destroy a relationship, and this is something I have started working on to fix. After all, I would like to be a happier person for my own sake too. For one, I think this will involve me reading less BBQ Pit and Politics threads, and more of the other fora.

18

I would like for you to discard everything in your head that is along these lines.

Your girlfriend isn’t trying to convince the world about how happy she is: she is trying to convince you, and wants you to stop bothering her. She is LONG gone.

What you think about a normal human leaving a relationship with the words that she used is pointless. She LEFT YOU. That is the signal you need to to read, not the words of love as she was packing. She said that stuff to give you some small thread to hang onto so that you wouldn’t go crazy and murder/dismember her, and would let her get all of her stuff.

I’m sorry that you got dumped, but, it looks like it wasn’t ever a good thing, and it looks as if your conception of it was far different from hers.

She is gone, she ain’t coming back. You got this one, you can do better the next time around. Use this for your new mantra, and you will do well.

Best wishes,
hh

19

This. You are grasping at straws re her intentions. When a person quite deliberately pre-plans an exit and executes it with precision she’s gone, and she’s not coming back. You need to move on.

20

I’m not sure I understand: Aren’t most dumpings pre-planned? I wouldn’t think too many people walk away from their partners during a fit of pique, without thinking about it. That’s not been my experience at any rate.