First off, let me say that I really need to write all of this down. I have had a lot of things bottled up in me that I need to get out. I need to read the words, I need to see they exist. Even if nobody reads this thing I am happy enough that I finally get to say what I’ve wanted to say for ages on end. So for those that are interested, here is my story:
I met my first girlfriend, my first REAL girlfriend, my freshman year of college. We were just friends, grew into something more, and I fell deeply deeply in love with her. She was my everything. She was my confidant, my lover (cept sex…she wants to wait til marriage) and most importantly, my best friend. 3 years later we graduate from college and we are only a summer internship of hers away from getting engaged and moving in together, we had these plans made already.
A couple weeks before coming home, on our phone calls, she begins to become distant.
She comes home and our first meeting together she says “I don’t love you anymore. We are breaking up and I am moving to Chicago as soon as I can. Have a nice life”. She walked away from our life, from me, and from everything I had hoped for. Aside from the crushing depression I felt I also had soooo much anger. How was this fair? Why should she get to live the life she wants and kick me to the curb like I am nothing? I gave her my everything, and she just leaves me. She swore she would never abandon me, and she did. She abandoned me at the time I needed her most, and she damn well knew that.
All this time I am living at home and trying to job hunt. I was getting no where and I was scared that I was never gonna get a job, but I always had her to be confident in me and to love and cherish me. This was gone. Everything I knew about the world was gone. I was alone, I was scared, I was depressed, and I had nothing going for me in the least when it came to my life. I moved away from home to a bigger city (Indy, where I am now) in hopes of running away and getting a job in a big city. That was still wrong, I was wrong. Currently I work in a godforsaken retail joint getting crappy hours at crappier pay.
This is pretty much exactly a year ago when I started retail, and I have just been coasting/crying/job hunting to try and keep myself sane. I had made some “friends” sure, but I remained distant from them and didn’t tell anyone what happened to me that summer. It was just easier to be depressed and alone than it was to inflict all of my pain on someone and make them not like me, as everyone else does.
I also had no intention of dating anyone because, call me an asshole, but I don’t want to date some 18 or 19 year old horny teenager. Aside from being horribly scarred emotionally I don’t want to deal with my generations…advances. I am not a huge libido guy in general, but she was the only one I was ever with, in many respects, and I just want to take things slow, something my generation has no clue about.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. I notice someone who works at the store I do. She is pretty, but that’s about as far as I notice about her. We are in different sections of the store, so I don’t actually talk to her much, just notice and smile if eye contact is made. Fast forward some more and I finally talk with her in the slightest. I am wearing a t-shirt from my alma mater, and she asks if I am going there. Nope, already went. Why are you here? I am a giant effing loser, how bout you? I will be a senior this year. Neat, well see ya, go Cardinals!
More fast forwarding to last week. I help briefly at her end of the store and we get to talk some more. Nothing huge, I am just joking around, making her (and others) laugh, the usual things I do at work. I end up inviting her out to a bonfire that I and the others who work in my area are having, she says yes and comes along. We don’t talk all that much at the bonfire, but I get the feeling that she likes me…a lot. I immediately go into security “my heart has been massacred stay away!!!” mode and try to be friendly, but not flirty. Then she invites me to accompany her to some clubs because she goes alone with her friend, who always ditches her. I am a nice guy (too nice…) and say yes, even though I know the night will end badly.
We are at the clubs. I can obviously tell she is flirting with me and I am doing my damndest to be off-putting, but not mean. It finally gets to the end of the night where she finally confronts me about the “issue” (her liking me, me ignoring her). I basically say “I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you”. (I don’t like telling people this whole story, it’s stupid and not that big of a deal…I am just a giant pussy about it.) I can see how hurt she is about it, I just beg “please, don’t be mad at me, I just can’t.” The sight of her hurting is killing me, so I tell her. She tries to not make me tell her ("you obviously don’t want to) but I do. I tell her everything. I apologize 500 more times to the point where she tells me to stop, that it’s ok, and that I am ok.
We end up talking a few more times, and most times I just gush myself out to her. I don’t mean to, but this is what I did with my girlfriend who abandoned me, she listened to me and cared. I have had all of this anger, this sadness, this rage, this story bottled up inside of me for a year with no one to talk with about it, no one to share, no one to just sit there and nod their heads while I talked on and on and on. She did this. She did this on THREE SEPARATE OCCASIONS. She eventually said she was sorry for pushing me the club night, she (obviously) didn’t know what I had been through and realized I needed a friend right now, and she would be that.
I have not met a person, since my original girlfriend, who actually gave a shit about me like she does. She would text me if she thinks I need to talk. She never let me get down on myself. She always just listened to me (I talk, I talk A LOT). Then she did the one thing that made me think of her even more: She job hunted for me. She asked me what my dream job title was (copywriter) and the next day at work she hands me 3 jobs she found online. She actually took the time to do this for me. For me! no one does this for me, but she somehow did.
I sat back and thought about how I felt about her. I mean, I haven’t felt anything, anything for anybody since she left me, and now I’m feeling something? I was scared. I tried to think reasonably about it: What, do you think my girlfriend is going to magically come back to me? No, she is done with you. Why the hell shouldn’t I just try something that might actually make me happy? Because it might blow up in your face, and you will be worse for wear. Then I had the thought that took over the others: Look at what she’s done. She’s made you feel OK again, she gives a shit about you, she’s pretty, she makes you feel things you only felt for one other person, and do you really want to let this get away simply because you’ve convinced yourself there is nothing out there for you??
So I said “Tomorrow (this was yesterday, so, today) I will ask her if she wants to be more than friends.” I spent the entire day with her before I could do it (god I wanted to soooo many times…I was just too scared) and after I did it she was weary about it. “I rushed you” she says. I told the reasons (mostly the above) and she says “Who are you trying to convince?” It’s you, because I knew you would be like this. Push comes to shove, the night is over, she says yes.
I am officially back in a relationship.
I’m in a relationship? Oh shit…
What if it doesn’t work out? I mean, she is going back to school in less than a month and I won’t see her for weeks on end (I can drive there, it’s about an hour, but gas cost $$$, and I don’t have that) and it’s not like I don’t trust her, but I’m scared that will drive a wedge between us (it did for girlfriend 1 and look how that turned out). What if I scare her with my emotional instability? Even before I was dumped I was an emotional basket case. It’s just how I am. What if she gets to know me and then says “I don’t want any of this shit” and cuts me off? There are sooo many people in my life who told me they would never leave me, all of them have, at some time or another all of them have. What if I’m wrong? I mean, right now I am sure enough of myself to actually propose the relationship and want to be in it, but what if I’m just latching onto the first girl who reminds me of my first love? I don’t want to do that to her, but I don’t know. I Just. Don’t. Know.
I am scared. I’m really scared. I think it’s a good scared, but I haven’t done this in such a long time, I don’t want to screw it up. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. Right now I have the confidence that I can spend 10 hours with her in one day (today), meet a majority of her family (kinda by chance), and bring out an aspect of her personality that I didn’t know was there (she is very shy and quiet, I made her loud), and I enjoyed it all. I think I can do this relationship, I’m gonna be pretty fearful of it the whole way through, but I really like this girl, and I’m really gonna try to make this work.
In the off chance you made it this far down, thanks for reading!