New relationship/really scared! (really, REALLY, long, and ranty)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Okay, I’m going to be brutally blunt, here. Stop separating your generation from “adults.” Your generation are adults. You aren’t a kid, you are a grown-ass man and need to start thinking and acting like it. It is not anybody else’s responsibility to help you find a new job–that’s something grown-ass adults are expected to manage for themselves. Mind you, that’s not to say your friends shouldn’t tell you about anything they run across that seems good for you, that’s what friends do. But it’s not reasonable to expect someone to go out actively looking for job listings for you. They’ve all got their own problems to contend with.

I don’t mean to sound unkind, but I want even less for you to follow the same path as my emotional barnacle from college and wind up in her situation 10 years from now. Note I don’t refer to her as my friend–I don’t think anybody considers her their friend, unfortunately. She’s just this…constant swirling vortex of emotional need who has no confidence, no self-worth, no joy, no anything of her own and needs constant propping up and hand-holding. Every conversation (or monologue, as is usually the case) is a litany of whining about stuff that only she has any control over and pleas for advice that she promptly ignores because she might have to take a risk of some type. It’s driven away pretty much everybody, this constant stream of negativity and one-way flow of emotional resources. Even the people who will still put up with her avoid her a fair lot of the time. Please don’t do that to yourself.

22

Nothing to add to that, just that “Emotional barnacle” is now a permanent entry in my lexicon.

23

A bit of simple advice: don’t make her your whole life right now. Make/keep other friends and spend time with them. Even if you don’t need a comfort zone, having one will be one less thing for you to worry about.

Plus it’ll keep you from getting too into this girl too fast and scaring her away. No offense, but it sounds slightly like you might be that kinda guy (I am too, and not being that guy is something you’ve got to work pretty hard at, at least in the early stages of a relationship).

And good luck. :slight_smile:

24

You might want to consider really getting over your first break-up before you move on to other relationships. It doesn’t sound like you’ve dealt realistically with it AT ALL. Yeah, she dumped you, yeah, it was unfair, but who ever promised you that life would be fair?

Also, this

is crap. It sounds like you have A LOT of growing up to do still, but just shrugging and saying, “That’s how I am” isn’t going to get you there.

25

Ohhh Catlady, we seem to not see eye-to eye with this…I am not expecting anyone to do any sort of work for me that I can’t do myself when it comes to jobs/employment, and like I said, I job hunt every day and I DO go to the same resources she did. The only reason that I mentioned the job thing was because on an offhand comment I made she went ahead and did that for me. I didn’t need her to, I didn’t want her to, she just decided to do it on her own…and that touched me.

Emotional Barnacle is a frigging awesome term that I will also adopt into my lexicon, and is something that I very actively try to avoid. Part of my aversion to my friends is that I always feel that my problems are my problems, no one else needs to deal with them and no one should. The problem is I haven’t yet been able to parry that with bottling in too much and then eventually unloading on some poor thing.

I also realize that my generation should be adults, and I do consider myself one; the ones I mention when I don’t refer to THEM as ones are the 17-19 or so year olds who haven’t seemed to be out of “high school drama” phase.
I want to fully agree with everyone else so far who has said “stop living in the past, don’t think this is it, and just enjoy the relationship”. This is the number one thing I am going to try to do. The “serial dater” part doesn’t really thrill me as an idea however. Regardless of the past relationship that I had, and smaller ones before that, the thought of bouncing from one person to another, however normal, never really appealed to me.
Really not all the bright: I will still hang out with others, I am making a point of it actually. Also, the fact that she will leave for school in a month or so will help with that too. I can’t really afford (and neither can she) to be an “every weekend” type of thing anyway. I didn’t have any distance in relationship 1, so this will be good.

featherlou: Good point. although I slightly wanna clarify that I am not* totally* shrugging and saying “this is how I am”, it is something that I am chipping away at.

26

Yep.

On growing up, it’s not a goal you want to achieve. It’s a lifelong process that you constantly improve on. Part of it is taking responsibility for your own thoughts and emotions. I suggest that you evict phrases like “I’m such a loser” and “That’s just how I am” from your vocabulary. Not only do you avoid responsibility that way, but you reinforce those thoughts every time. Your beliefs create your reality.

27

See a therapist. Speaking of a break-up as an “abandonment” is not healthy.

28

This jumps out at me. Why shouldn’t she get to live the life she wants? It sounds like you were pinning your hopes and dreams on someone else. That isn’t going to get you anywhere.

I believe that happiness has to come from within. If you can’t be happy being on your own, and spending time with yourself then why do you expect to be happy with someone else and make them happy? It takes two people to make a relationship work and if one of them is a constant spring of drama and neediness then why would you expect them to stay?

Look at your life objectively, you have a job that pays the bills and you are young and independent. You even have someone who is interested romantically in you. You don’t have a bad life.

29

Yeah, that’s because they’re barely out of high school. Today’s adults were the same way, and so on. They’re still learning all the BS. Your generation (which I guess is basically mine, since I’m a millennial) is just starting adulthood. It’s a learning process and so quit trashing the ones who are doing so.
My recommendation? I’d definitely keep seeing her, though not put her on a pedestal. I’d also find one activity or club around that interests you. You can find these for cheap or free, and you’re in a larger city so there are gonna be tons available. Just pick something and GO DO IT. Take up judo, or join some cooking classes, or whatever. Find something where you will meet others interested in similar things and make friends that way.

And remember, you can just start as casual friends with people. You have this issue where any relationship (friendship, romantic, etc.) is this huge all encompassing soul-baring thing. Sometimes you just need some friends that you can get beer and pizza and play video games with.

30

No real retort to anything. I just love what everyone is saying :slight_smile:

Thanks :smiley:

31

Oh, it’ll get you somewhere alright. It’s called The Bad Place.

Sir T-Cups, I’m not really recommending serial dating (nor am I not recommending it), but the reality is, as has been pointed out, that you’re probably not going to find The One (a concept that I don’t believe in) at this stage of your life. It could happen but the odds are low. As Beadalin mentioned, get comfortable with the concept of dating. Over the course of your life you might go on first dates with dozens or hundreds or even thousands of women. The perfect relationship might be girl #3 or it might be girl #537. If it ends up being girl #537, you don’t want to waste a lot of time on girl #2.

32

I think part of it is that you see “I am a rock” and you see “emotional barnacle” and you don’t see that huge area in between where friendship lives. Your friends aren’t there to deal with your problems, but they are there to support you while you deal with your problems. Provided, of course, that your problems aren’t constant and you’re willing to return the favor when they have problems.

It’s…it’s like everybody has a well inside them that stores their emotional resources. Just like groundwater, strength and courage and confidence seep back in to replenish the well at a certain rate that varies by person. Most people, most of the time, maintain a balance between how fast they draw out of the well and how fast it replenishes so the well always has water in it. If you need some extra here and there, there’s enough. But if you keep drawing extra, the well eventually goes dry.

Everybody’s well goes dry sometimes, no matter how deep the bugger is or how fast it replenishes. Because everybody’s life just absolutely goes to shit sometimes. At those points, your friends grab their buckets and start hauling their extra water to dump into your well until your balance is restored. It’s no biggie, there’s plenty of water to go around, and if they run dry you’ll be right there with your bucket. The rot sets in when your balance never restores and they’re always trying to keep your well wet and deal with their own demands too. Eventually they have to choose between leaving you high and dry and going dry themselves.

33

I don’t know, you might want to think of it this way. Even if girl #2 isn’t the One, she’s not necessarily a waste of time - maybe you can have a fun time hanging out with her and learning from her, and then maybe you’ll move on. I don’t think it’s possible to really “waste time” getting to know someone. No matter what happens, you’ll learn and have new experiences.

I think it might help to look at all of this (everything you posted in your OP) in terms of experience. What have you learned from it, what does it tell you about yourself, how have you grown?

Anyway, the real reason I wanted to post was to suggest that you try meetup.com. Having a hobby will give you something else to focus on, besides relationships, and it’s fun. Regardless of your interests, you can find some people who share them. You can make friends, or maybe just a loose group of acquaintances, but either way, it’s really nice to have a supportive group like that. (And if you don’t find the right group right away, don’t give up. My first writer’s group sucked, but now I’ve found one with a great dynamic that has me motivated and writing regularly.)

34

Another little tidbit to consider, from my old friend Dan Savage: Every relationship fails… until one doesn’t.

It’s no use beating yourself up about any that don’t work out, because almost ALL of them won’t work out. Until one will. The best you can do is keep putting yourself out there, be honest about who you are and what you’re offering, and sooner or later you’ll find someone who will love and accept you.

35

Yes, thank you for pointing that out. Of all the women that I’ve met so far, there are very few – maybe two – that I actually regret meeting. And there were a few that I’m so glad I got involved with. They were all fantastic and made my life wonderful. The last one gave me the best year of my life.

36

I was in a similar situation that you were in, I was in a long term relationship, we were engaged, I was beginning to plan my life around the expectation that she would be a part of it and then unexpectedly, at least to me and my friends, she dumped me in a pretty horrible and selfish way. And, much like you, I was utterly crushed and thoroughly scared to jump back into any sort of relationship with women, muchless a romantic one. It took about a year before I felt like I was ready to start dabbling again, and I had many of the problems you’re having. Anyway, let me give you some advice based on the lessons I’ve learned since that break-up and the subsequent months of dating since I’ve been back in it.

First, dating a girl doesn’t necessarily mean a “relationship”. In fact, it doesn’t really mean anything except that you spent time with her. As others have said upthread, you’re putting a lot of expectations on a relationship when you think about it and treat it that way. You shouldn’t approach every girl you meet with a “am I going to spend the rest of my life with her” sort of mentality, and doing so is akin to a kindergartener being concerned with what college they’re going to go to when they graduate from high school. Go on a date, spend time with her, try to have fun, and let things happen naturally. She may be a long term girlfriend or even spouse, she may be someone you date a couple times and decide to just be friends, you may not get along in the long term at all, but with high expectations, it’s hard not to be crushed if they aren’t met.

Second, and there really isn’t a nice way to say it, but work on your baggage and you may even want to seek some help with it. Carrying issues from one relationship to another is just asking for heartache and, in my opinion, it just isn’t fair to whoever comes next. The fact that she has shown interest despite you displaying these sorts of signs may ultimately betray a set of issues that she may have yet to deal with as well. However, I commend you for being honest about it with her because at least she’s able to evaluate the situation and decide for herself if she’s willing and able to deal with them as you work on them (or possibly don’t).

Also, don’t worry about messing things up, that’s what the whole dating process is for and why I’ve suggested not trying to have those high expectations so you don’t get overly emotionally attached. Instead, I liken dating to a job interview. Sure, if you go in to interview for a job with the expectation that you’ll work there for the next 40 years until you retire, of course you’ll be heartbroken if it doesn’t work out. On the other hand, if you go in thinking it may be a good opportunity and it pans out, great, and if it doesn’t, not a big deal. That is, you might go on a date, and it’s not unlikely that you’ll mess up somehow. Unless you did something horribly wrong like smack her or deliberately insult her, you’re not going to hurt her if things don’t work out on the first few dates because, hopefully, she hasn’t overly invested her emotions either.

So, really, just relax, have fun, be yourself, and go from there.

37

This entire thing was truly a work of art.

38

Yep, it definitely is.

And because I think I know how you feel about hanging out with people, tell me if this is at all accurate:

Friends or acquaintances might ask if you want to hang out. If you’re in a good mood, cool. If you’re feeling depressed, you might say yes, but then dread actually doing the hanging out. You feel like you’d rather just sit home alone instead of having to deal with people, even though it’s people you like.

Then, if you do make yourself go, you usually end up having a good time and wonder why you always feel like, “oh, forget it, I’d rather stay home”, but know that you always will still feel that. And then, on top of that, you’ll also really miss your friends/acquaintances… even though you always feel like you’d rather stay home instead of hanging out. :smack:

39

Dunno about the OP, but that sure sounds familiar to me!

It’s called “being introverted.” Being around people - even people I care about, people with whom I have fun - is, eventually, draining to me. Being alone is the best way to recharge.

Extroverts, on the other hand, feel drained by the anxiety of being alone. Or so I’ve been told.

But it doesn’t mean my relationships are doomed to failure! (Just as the other Shoe.) Take heart, Sir T-Cups!

40

Oh yeah, definitely. I’m what I call an “extroverted introvert”. My basic makeup is introverted (long interactions with others are draining instead of energizing), but when I’m around people who are good friends, I’m totally outgoing, loud, etc.

I’ve found that sometimes you have to just TELL yourself you have to go out and do things. I mean, I’d be sad I didn’t really talk to my friends anymore, and then think about how often I would initiate contact instead of them. Then think, “hey, if they always initiated contact, no wonder they eventually stopped! Duh!”.

So I don’t try to be a big extrovert, but I do make sure to initiate action more. If I didn’t, I’d never do anything. So, OP, if that sounds like you, find a balance of you-time and action-time.