Musings on myself, relationships and progress

Some of you know that I have secured temporary employment with the local police department as a file clerk. While I appreciate the importance of what I do, I realize that I am made for much grander things than ensuring all the papers of the Fairfax County PD make their way to their rightful place in the universe. My job, which I hope will be brief in duration, allows me much time to think. This is not always a good thing. My mind, when left to its own devices, will come up with thoughts that are best left unthunk.

However, sometimes in talking through these strange thoughts with friends, I hit on real truths. I had been distressed that I was fixating on my ex-boyfriend, when the relationship was of fairly short duration and the breakup really hadn’t been all that traumatic. I’ve shared about how it happened right before the WTC, and that had a lot to do with amplifying my feelings. The friend I talked to about that also pointed out that it was probably because after the relationship before that one, I didn’t get involved again for two years, and didn’t even date for over a year. Because I had finally allowed those feelings of caring for someone to come back, I was missing that feeling.

The more I reflect on that, the more comfort it gives me. That old relationship was one that left me very scarred, bitter and fearful. That man told me he loved me, that I was his soulmate and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. A year later, it seemed I couldn’t do anything right. Every shortcoming was held up as another example of why I was unsuitable to be his wife and the mother of his children. It was really hard to recover from that. When someone says they love you, yet criticize you so, it’s really difficult not to take that in, to make it part of yourself. It left my self-esteem in the cellar, and I wondered if I would ever be able to trust another man or my own judgment in relationships again.

I see now that in this most recent outing into the dating world, I was careful with my heart but not so much that I didn’t give it at all. I think it’s because I spent that time alone working on myself, taking the time to feel comfortable with and good about who I am. I had a lovely little fling last summer that was absolutely perfect, exactly what I needed. That fella was in the midst of a divorce and also not ready to get serious, so we just enjoyed each other. It gave my self-esteem a huge boost, made me feel desirable again. I then had a series of nice little flings, until this past summer I finally met someone I actually wanted to get involved with. I did a lot of things differently this time around, and on the whole, I’m pleased with the result. The relationship didn’t turn out the way I wanted, which is disappointing, but I like where I am now. I’ve still got some stuff to work on, but I’m WAY better than I was two years ago.

I just wanted to share this, because I know we have a lot of “walking wounded” here who are afraid that they will never be successful in relationships. I’m here to tell you that it’s not easy, and sometimes it’s not fun, but it is possible to overcome that old crap. You just gotta do it a little bit at a time.

Well put.

I still haven’t seen you on ICQ lately.

Mwah! I’ve been retiring far too early in order to drag myself out of bed to go to that silly job, but I’ll try to get on this weekend–I don’t sign on in the evenings because I can’t tie up the phone line for too long.

You’re one together chick, and I’m glad I got the chance to pat you on the head at the NY Dopefest.

You are proof that someone can be tough, smart, beautiful, funny, vulnerable, and able to wear hiking boots with a miniskirt.

And you know enough to realize that life is an ongoing project.

You’re going to be at the NY Fest on 1/5/01, yes? I’ll raise a glass in your honor at that time, young lady. You’re an admirable person.

Whoops! Make that the Dopefest on 1/05/02.

I forgot to wind my calendar.

No, no, not HIKING boots! Doc Martens, baby!

I went through a lot of relationships before I met my husband. Some of them fairly successful, some of them less so. I was getting to the point where I wondered if I could do it anymore: the meetings, the relationship developing, the joy, the rocky spots, the breakups. I seriously think I couldn’t do it many more times. I was ready to throw in the towel on the whole thing, like I’d sliced off a piece of my heart each time and that organ was getting to a critically low mass. I wanted to check out for a while. Actually, I did–I checked out for about two years, mourning the end of a relationship and having no interest in anyone. Then I got in the game again, but still hadn’t healed enough, and that was even worse (being in a relationship when I didn’t feel like it). Boy did it suck. That makes for some pretty bad sex, too, by the way.

But you know, I straightened out. When it happened, it happened fast. And for once in my life, I’m not a passive-aggressive hag to my mate. I don’t know if the planets were aligned, or I had to hit rock bottom before I could find something that works. But I sure didn’t see it coming. You just can’t predict it. Or at least, I couldn’t!

Sorry. My mistake.

Of course, I might not have gotten a real good look at 'em, since I was dazzled by your gorgeous gams. :wink:

Anyway, what I said still stands.

Cranky, thanks for another success story–actually, more of a success story than mine, since I haven’t managed to find the love of my life, or someone vaguely resembling him, yet. I at least feel now that I won’t flee screaming into the night when the opportunity presents itself.

Mr. Dave-Guy, thank you for the compliments. I will indeed be at the NYCFest in January, and you may raise a glass, admire my gams and whatever else you feel like doing then.

You read it right here, folks! She said I could!

[sub]I better go make sure I’m up to date on all my shots.[/sub]

Hey. HEY!

Not flirting, just being very heartfelt.

From what I know of you, (from here and RTFirefly’s party, I feel that you are stronger than most. I have nothing but respect for you.
When I read your OP, I instantly thought of a song by David Wilcox called Johnny’s Camaro. If you get the chance give it a listen. I’ll bring the CD next time I see you. (Hoping it’s soon…)

Thank you. I’m very touched by that. Y’know, I came to a realization some time back that I must be stronger than I had thought I was, because I’ve gone through so many things and come out the other side. Not unscathed, because I’ve certainly been affected by those things, but I’ve survived them and grown instead of retreating back into myself like I’ve seen so many others do. I don’t know why I’m so fortunate, but I’m grateful for it.

Nice song. I’ve never heard it, but I’ll have to find it; I really like the lyrics.

Aw, c’mon. I’m like one of those butterflies with the big eyes on their wings. Appearance notwithstanding, I’m really completely harmless.

Oh yes, Dave, that’s exactly the image I had of you: a delicate little butterfly. :stuck_out_tongue:

I didn’t intend for the analogy to go all that far. I was merely trying to make a point (albeit in a ham-fisted, poeticized manner) regarding the fact that I am a completely harmless guy, despite my bravado, double-entendres, and Groucho-style eyebrow waggling.

Geobabe, I’m glad to hear that you are getting on with your life and that you’re feeling more confidant. And thanks for the encouraging words for those of us who are at a point in life where you were a couple of years ago.

[sub][Raising glass to toast Geobabe][/sub]

Cheers

Oh, I knew that, ya goof. I spent quite a while talking to you at the May Dopefest, remember? I quite enjoyed our conversation, though I really have no recollection of your patting me on the head. It was just the shots thing I took exception to. I haven’t been consorting with any woodland creatures lately, I assure you.

Talk to Weirddave. Apparently, the Geobabe Self-Confidence Improvement Plan[sup]tm[/sup] worked wonders for him too. Maybe I should go into business as a guru.

…HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yes, I patted you on the head because you mentioned that people were condescending toward you and your desire to serve in the Navy. I said, “What do they do? Say, ‘Ooh, she wants to be in the Navy! Isn’t that cuuuuute?’” and I patted you on the head. Then I sat at the bar and chatted you, Weirddave and sua sponte up for a couple hours.

And the shots are for your protection, not mine. You don’t know where I’ve been, now do you? :wink:

That’s true. You don’t want to end up like the chipmunk.