Some of you know that I have secured temporary employment with the local police department as a file clerk. While I appreciate the importance of what I do, I realize that I am made for much grander things than ensuring all the papers of the Fairfax County PD make their way to their rightful place in the universe. My job, which I hope will be brief in duration, allows me much time to think. This is not always a good thing. My mind, when left to its own devices, will come up with thoughts that are best left unthunk.
However, sometimes in talking through these strange thoughts with friends, I hit on real truths. I had been distressed that I was fixating on my ex-boyfriend, when the relationship was of fairly short duration and the breakup really hadn’t been all that traumatic. I’ve shared about how it happened right before the WTC, and that had a lot to do with amplifying my feelings. The friend I talked to about that also pointed out that it was probably because after the relationship before that one, I didn’t get involved again for two years, and didn’t even date for over a year. Because I had finally allowed those feelings of caring for someone to come back, I was missing that feeling.
The more I reflect on that, the more comfort it gives me. That old relationship was one that left me very scarred, bitter and fearful. That man told me he loved me, that I was his soulmate and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. A year later, it seemed I couldn’t do anything right. Every shortcoming was held up as another example of why I was unsuitable to be his wife and the mother of his children. It was really hard to recover from that. When someone says they love you, yet criticize you so, it’s really difficult not to take that in, to make it part of yourself. It left my self-esteem in the cellar, and I wondered if I would ever be able to trust another man or my own judgment in relationships again.
I see now that in this most recent outing into the dating world, I was careful with my heart but not so much that I didn’t give it at all. I think it’s because I spent that time alone working on myself, taking the time to feel comfortable with and good about who I am. I had a lovely little fling last summer that was absolutely perfect, exactly what I needed. That fella was in the midst of a divorce and also not ready to get serious, so we just enjoyed each other. It gave my self-esteem a huge boost, made me feel desirable again. I then had a series of nice little flings, until this past summer I finally met someone I actually wanted to get involved with. I did a lot of things differently this time around, and on the whole, I’m pleased with the result. The relationship didn’t turn out the way I wanted, which is disappointing, but I like where I am now. I’ve still got some stuff to work on, but I’m WAY better than I was two years ago.
I just wanted to share this, because I know we have a lot of “walking wounded” here who are afraid that they will never be successful in relationships. I’m here to tell you that it’s not easy, and sometimes it’s not fun, but it is possible to overcome that old crap. You just gotta do it a little bit at a time.