Oh boy, do I need some advice from you guys.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is going to be long and painful. I have to get this whole story out of my system, though, because I just went through the day feeling as though I was suffocating and bursting into tears at inopportune moments.

Here’s the story:

I dropped out of college last year and got a full-time job at IKEA. I needed some time off, some growing room. I started there in May and immediately met a very wonderful man, James. He had heard that I wrote poetry and wanted to read it. He wanted to see my artwork, listen to me, know all about me. No one in my life ever treated me as kindly as he did. It was a completely new experiance. A week or so after knowing him, he wrote me this incredible note saying that I was such a beautiful person, that I inspired him and made him see a goodness and kindness that he had never experianced before. So I fell in love with him.

He had a girlfriend, though. I listened to him complain about her, I held him when she broke his heart. I managed to not love him so actively while he was with her. I kept quiet about my feelings and was quiet happy with our friendship. We are are like the same person split in half: we have everything in common. But still, there’s so much about him that I admire and aspire to. He’s taught me more than I can say about integrity and being truthful and opening myself up to life - just living, and beingreal and happy that I’m experiancing everything to the fullest. He’s taught me a lot about the person I want to be. I’ve grown a lot in the past year and much of it has stemmed from him.

Three months ago he broke up with his girlfriend, and at the same time he found out his parents were divorcing. I was there for him, held him when he cried, gave of myself to him 100%. The crazy thing was that I had no ulterior motives - it was enough to just be with him. I threw myself completely into the feelings, recklessly, and didn’t care about the consequences. We started spending all this time together. He started dating someone but told me he realized that she wasn’t like me - she couldn’t understand him. I really believed that he might love me back. I got my hopes up, decided that even though I wasn’t beautiful or perfect, he might care for me in return. We went out dancing one night and ended up saying some very intense things, and I fooled myself into thinking that what he said meant he loved me.

Of course, the consequences arrived. I had told a trusted friend and this friend told him, last week. Tuesday. I was humiliated, horrified, embarrassed. He e-mailed me and said that everything would still be okay between us, and I managed to believe that until Saturday. We worked together, and we talked, and I told myself that I could be happy just being his friend.

I saw that I was fooling myself Sunday night, though. Our department had a meeting at a local bar for work (we got permission; the company picked up the beer tab). I’m not good at playing mind-games, with myself or with anyone else. I realized that unless he loved me in return, I wouldn’t be happy with friendship. It’s the first time in our whole friendship that I’ve been selfish, and maybe I’m completely out of line saying that. Maybe I should just be content. But I’m a horribly emotional person. I feel things very passionately and very deeply, or not at all. It’s allor nothing with me. And I can’t keep loving him wholeheartedly and not getting what I need in return. Two years ago, I might have just pined silently for him, but I can’t do that now and look myself in the mirror.

We talked a little at work, a little at the bar. We got drunk and said some things. But there were always people around when we tried to talk, so he told me to e-mail him (he knows I’m better with words that speech). So I wrote him a long, long e-mail and confessed it all - that I had loved him, that I loved him still. I haven’t heard back from him yet (somehow, I don’t think he expected what I wrote).

So now I’m left feeling like half a person. He doesn’t love me back. I’m not good enough for him. I feel transparent, like the punchline to a really bad joke. I’m pathetic. I’m humiliated and embarrassed, and I have to see him at work tomorrow.

The only think I can think to do is get another job. I did some window displays at a cool store downtown, and they offered me a position at the same pay I make now. I would have the same hours and everything. I hate leaving IKEA, because although I bitch about it, I really adore the people I work with and the friends I’ve made. But I don’t think I can stop loving him if I have to see him all the time.

I am pathetic. He doesn’t love me and I still love him back. I’m crying over someone who will not cry over me. Every word he’s written me - the painting he did for me of my soul - the notes, the cards, the drawings - I can’t stop looking at them and crying. I’ve really never felt so horrible in my entire life.

So what do I do? How can I stop loving him? Will leaving solve anything? He knows me so well, I know him so well. We’re flip sides of the same coin. We share the same loneliness and sadness, we share the same viewpoints and love for life. We love getting lost and driving around for hours. We will both sit in a pier in the freezing cold just to watch a beautiful sunset. I’ve never met anyone like him, and I’m afraid I never will again.

That’s my story. Anything you have, give it to me. I need some ideas and opinions, because right now all I’ve got is me, and I’m not reaching any conclusions here.

I wish I could just take off my skin and walk away from myself right now. I’m usually not a depressed person, and I can honestly say that this is my lowest, ever. The worst part is, I have no one to blame but myself. I used to think that the someone breaking my heart was the worst pain ever. Now I’ve broken my own heart, and it hurts more than I thought possible.

Please help.

2

{{Nacho4Sara}}

Just because he doesn’t love you doesn’t mean your not good enough for him. From your story, it sounds more like he’s a world class fool. Sorry, I know you love him, but that’s reality. He has found someone warm and smart and funny and compatible and supportive, and he threw it all away.

I know you’re hurting now, but it will get better - especially if you realize that love truly needs to be returned to flourish. The problem is that he has been giving you 80% of a loving relationship. But when it was time for that last 20% of the relationship - acknowledgement and commitment - he failed. It really sounds to me like he is afraid of a real relationship, and so he avoided it by starting to date someone else when he could have had you, especially if he had stayed in a bad relationship long past the point of repair.

I’d like to say that staying at your current job is good for your soul - after all, I’ve done my share of pining after men who wouldn’t look at me twice. You certainly won’t die, and daily exposure to this guy is no more likely to keep your love alive than leaving and allowing yourself to idolize him. You can take some time to find his faults (he does have them) which can take some of the glamour off.

You will find someone else. Snow White isn’t a myth, it’s a lie. Learn from this relationship what you want from a love relationship (both what you got and what you didn’t get), take some time to grieve and realize that he is not the only man in the world for you. In fact, he’s not the man for you, because that man will love you freely in return.

P.S. If he wants to make love to you when he is dating someone else, drop him like a hot potato, because that would make him the worst kind of user/cheater around. Frankly, he sounds to good to be true, and that is usually a red light that he’s lying somewhere. I could easily be wrong on that, because I don’t know him at all, but I do recommend you to be wary.

3

{{{{Sara}}}}

Sara, I’m so sorry - I know how hard this can be. Hopefully he will write back to you soon, and you can make a call based on that and based on his attitude when you next see him. Your friends at work will hopefully be supportive of you, but if things get too awkward, it might be a good idea to change horizons… Your friends will always be there for you. As will all of us here.

Just remember that you are not pathetic. Crushes and love are powerful things, but being hurt by them does not ever mean we have done anything wrong. He doesn’t know what he’s missing.

Hang in there!

-S

4

all I can say is that you’re not a fool for not falling out of love with him, Love isn’t an emotion you can just shut off. this guy is a special, special guy; and you are lucky to have met him. all I can say though, is to have your time of mourning, and then carry on my wayward Sara… there’ll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more

(damn… that fits this situation pretty damned good)

5

Okay, Sara, just step back from all this and take a breather. Don’t wig out just yet. Just because he’s not written you back, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any feelings for you. He may not have gotten it yet, or he may have trouble putting everything into words. Whatever the reason, it’s not necessarily bad.

And even if it does turn out that he doesn’t want to be with you, you’ve done something braver than most of the people you’ll ever meet have done. I’ve been in the same sequence of events as you very recently. I took the chance too. It hasn’t turned out like I wanted, because she hasn’t come running into my arms, but I wasn’t completely rejected, either. So if you do get a sort of lukewarm response, don’t throw in the towel just yet. Feel out your course; if it feels like he isn’t interested in return, you may just have to cut your losses and move ahead. If he does return some of it but not to the degree that you feel, then be prepared to deal with that, too.

But whatever you do, don’t give up on anything until he’s responded to you. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot before you even start the race.

6

Poor {{{{Sara}}}.

First of all, don’t blame yourself. We can’t help who we fall in love with. It’s not a rational thing. It’s a spiritual one.

Second, don’t quit your job of you like it. That’s hard to come by. Maybe he’ll quit out of guilt and remorse. He had to be stupid not to see how you cared about him, how you were falling for him. If he can’t love you for the wonderful person you are, so be it. His loss.

Third, (hi Opal!), hold your head up. I know this will be one of the hardest things you will ever go through, but it WILL end. Time will pass and you will gradually feel better.

I know what I’ve said seems small consolation. I know your heart feels like it’s been ripped out. We’ve all been there. Trust me, it will get better.

I’m so sorry, Sara.

7

DAMN! didn’t finish my post

BUT, don’t quite give up yet. This guy obviously has a lot of feelings for you, too. hang in there, and remember, as Flypside said, Don’t shoot yourself in the foot before you even start the race.

8

There is no cause for embarrasment - he will not think you foolish for what you’ve done. It is never bad to be told that you are loved, that someone cares for you.

My experience: fell totally in love with my best friend, kept the feelings bottled up for nearly three years before telling all my feelings, at which point it was made totally clear that my emotions were unrequited. And I, literally, wanted to die. The embarassment, the feeling I had destroyed our friendship, the thought that I would never be able to speak to my friend again all came together… I couldn’t sleep at night, dropped out of university and became a recluse for three months. But we started talking again after that. We were able to talk over what had happened, and our friendship was stronger for it. It’s now five years later, and I’m still in love with my friend, and my friend knows this. And it still hurts - but that’s more than made up for by the compassion, understanding and love (albeit platonic) that is passed between us.

If he really didn’t care about you he would have had no qualms about saying so. From what you say of him, he has a real soul and will not leave you waiting indefinitely for a reply. I know that right now it’s the worst you’ve ever felt - probably the worst you’ll ever feel - but in time that will change. Even if his eventual answer is that you feelings are unrequited, you can still keep his friendship.

9

(((((((((Sara)))))))))

I haven’t much advice to give, seeing as I am the reigning queen of platonic relationships, but I wanted to offer my support. As Flypside said, what you’ve done is truly courageous – not just telling him about your feelings, but allowing yourself to fall in love in the first place. There have been times when I thought I could have fallen in love with person, but I wouldn’t let myself because I knew my affections wouldn’t be returned in the same way. I admire you so much for being honest about your feelings… If this guy doesn’t fall for you completely, then he’s an idiot. You’re an amazing person, and you deserve only the best… No matter what happens, remember this:

Even though it’s causing you a tremendous amount of pain right now, your time with him has given you some truly special gifts. Hopefully, someday soon you’ll be able to put the hurt away and focus on the fact that you’re “being real and happy” and “experiencing everything to the fullest.” Remember how much you’ve grown and be proud of that.

Take care, Sara. I hope everything works out for the best.

(((((((((((Sara))))))))))) <— another hug for good measure

10

You are a brave woman, Sara, like Flyp said (from one who is in the club of laying it all out there).

You didn’t do anything wrong, or stupid, or foolish. You did the right thing by laying out your feelings. Now comes the real courage - the courage to walk away and hold your head high if the feelings are not returned.

I’m rooting for you that they will be. But if they aren’t, you WILL survive, you will be okay, and after a long time and some pain and some growing you will love someone else (yes, the way you love him) again - it’s the cruel way the world works.

You can email me anytime, Sara of the Nachos. We’ll talk.

xx,
magdalene

11

First I want to say I’ve been where you are, friend. I recognise every ounce and fibre and sinew of what you describe, and I really am still alive.

I’m now married. It’s not perfect - we’re not soulmates except on a level I’m not yet mature enough to perceive. But I’m learning from it. I’ve had friendships with wonderful, fascinating women, shatteringly intelligent, and been so swept away that one glance floors me. Paralysed by them. But there was something unreal about it. I don’t know, maybe I needed to come down to earth. What I needed was to realise that I am never going to find my completeness in another person. Not really. It’s wonderful to be with someone, it’s probably just what we were designed for, but alone YOU ARE NOT HALF A PERSON. You are a beautiful and startlingly eloquent woman, and your passion is too intense to be wrapped only around flesh and blood. I was so desperate for my imagined completeness that I threw a lot away just to get married. I’d never, never change that, because I love my wife to bits, but I now realise it solves nothing in itself. If you are not happy single, then you won’t be happy with someone else. So find who you are. I can see her!

I know the ache in you, and I know how excruciating loneliness can be.

Stop.

Breathe.

Awaken on a hillside, your eyelashes heavy with dew.
Slowly look around you. The air is fresh.
Carefully make your way toward the city.

12

{{{Sara}}}

I can’t add more to what everyone else has said, only reiterate what they’ve told you. Step back and breath for a second. Wait to see what his reaction is before you upset yourself more. And if it’s not what you want, cry for awhile, then try to put it behind you. It is a hard thing, going to work with someone that you love and being forced to see them every day. But only you can make the decision on the best way for you to handle that. No matter what, though, if you need someone to talk to, the offer still stands from before. My e-mail is always open. I’ve been where you’re at, hon, and while the choices I made might not be what’s best for you, I’ll understand.

13

nacho4sara, you are a courageous woman. you did the right thing in sharing your feelings. you truly defined nothing ventured, nothing gained. should james in a fit of … supreme foolishness, throw away the chance of being your beau, it is his loss. from your description you have been a fantastic friend to him.

if he tells you that there is no hope in furthering the relationship, i would consider a change in jobs. i know it is very hard to leave a place you are comfortable in. however there maybe someone that you would meet elswhere that would appreciate how fantastic and wonderful you are.

remember we here will alway cheer you on and support whatever you decide to do.

14

{{Sarah}}

How to begin this . . .

First I’ll offer up a prayer that James wakes up and realizes who you are and what you can give him, and what he can give you. That’ll make some things easier.

Now then. The idea that you are pathetic or not good enough for someone doesn’t register with me. I refuse to believe it. What I do believe is that you’re doing something very common—you’re internalizing a problem instead of externalizing it. What that means is that instead of saying “There’s something wrong with him”, you’re saying the opposite. Don’t. You’re going to hurt the most important person in this situation by doing that: you.

You haven’t heard back from him yet. For all you know (well, for all I know, and part of this, truth be told, is speculation), he’s away somewhere and hasn’t been able to get in touch with you. Or your email touched him so deeply he doesn’t know quite how to respond.

It’s also possiblle that his ability to read body language is even worse than mine (which would take an Act of God, but enough about me). Maybe he didn’t see how you felt for him . . . he just saw in you his best friend, the person he could talk to about everything. Maybe he’s afraid of losing that. And without knowing more about him, I can’t offer any speculation as to handle that aspect of it except that you know what to do better than any of us do. All we can do is blindly suggest things hoping what we’ve gleaned from this will give some inkling as to what to do.

Let your heart give you the general direction and let your brain handle the specifics. And if it starts to hurt too much, let it. Let yourself feel the pain, because it’s infinitely worse if you start to block things or self-destruct.

You have no need to stop loving him. Being able to love someone . . . well, it’s damn cool, but you knew that. And beside that, if you stop loving him, more often than not what’s actually happening is you’re blocking your own feelings. Do that for long enough and it’s damn hard to stop. So much so that when you unblock yourself this mad rush of emotions comes out and you fling 'em at the nearest target, which is rarely more than a friendly receptacle. Then you’re left with an empty hole you can’t fill no matter what you find, because the person those feelings were attached to is gone and no amount of mental painting will change the person you’re with to the person you really wanted so long ago and still do.

Oh, and been there, done that, have the scars to prove it. And found someone who loves me in spite of (and because of) all of it. You will, too. Fuckit, you probably have. He’s had what, three days to digest what you wrote to him, no? Love is a strong, enduring thing, hon. Let it saturate him. Time here is the important thing. You have it on your side, whether you can see that now or not. The ball is in your court. You know what you want. That’s powerful.

15

Since you haven’t heard back from him yet, you still don’t know how he reacted. I know the tendency to assume the worst in the lack of a response, but it could be that he didn’t know what to say right away. Go to work tomorrow and face him. Even if it does turn out that he doesn’t return your feelings. You would gain nothing by running away, especially since you would be giving up a job you like just to avoid embarrassment. Stand up and realize that if he doesn’t see the potential that is staring him in the face then he doesn’t deserve you.

Listen, I’ve had my heart broken more times than I can count, and I know how much it sucks. But you CAN get through this. Don’t regret being honest about your feelings, and don’t think for one second there is anything wrong with you if he doesn’t feel the same way.

{{{{{Sarah}}}}}

16

(((Sara)))

What, like you’re not supposed to fall in love? Come on - yer human. (Unlike me, who is not allowed such emotions. Being a cold mechanized machine has its benefits :slight_smile: )

But seriously, if I were a third friend that happened to work at your store, I think I’d be giving a little talking-to to your other trusted friend for dropping the ball on this one. . .

Tripler
He pulled some bad mojo.

17

N4S-

Everyone has said many fine things. And you should listen to them. But I want to add just one more.

There is nothing wrong, embarassing or foolish about reaching out for what you desire.

You saw an opportunity and you took it. If you hadn’t you’d still be in the same position as last week. Now, at least, the cards are on the table.

Oh…wait…I think I’m channeling a one hit wonder…

Whew. Lost my head for a moment.

Most people in the world will never get up the courage to try for what they want. And you did. That shows amazing grace and confidence. If it went wrong, it went wrong. But with that same courage the next time you try could go oh so…right.

Maintain your courage. You’re worth it.

Hmm. Showed my age up there, didn’t I?

18

My advice to you is to drink heavily.
Time and more time is the only cure I know of to cure a heart-ache. Hang in there!

19

Sarah, my heart goes out to you, for I know how you feel. As I read what you wrote, there were all sorts of things I thought of to say. Most of them have already been eloquently expressed, and I agree. And to reiterate the most important point…I don’t see that you are in any way at fault, so try not to get too down on yourself.

However, there is one thought that I can’t help but have, one which popped into my mind immediately. Obviously, it’s just speculation on my part, and true, you haven’t heard back from him yet, but…

These points from one of your paragraphs:

This may not be what you want to hear, but…

Putting myself in James’ shoes, and feeling about a woman the way he says he feels, I would very much want a relationship. It’s not everyday that you meet a person who you can so totally connect with, and at that level, it’s impossible to keep it at just a friendship, especially when you’re not involved with anyone else.

The opportunity was there, yet he started dating someone else. It seems he said all the right things, that she wasn’t like you, she couldn’t understand him like you. My question is, why is he looking for someone like you? Why not you?

Like I said, pure speculation, and I’m just trying to, in fairness, present you with another viewpoint. That said, I wouldn’t use the phrase “playing you”, as I’m sure he has genuine feelings for you. But it seems he might not be telling you something, and surely he must know that his words and actions have caused you to have feelings for him. You didn’t mention his age. At some point, most guys reach an age - maybe 24, 25 - where they mature with their sense of relationship. If he’s younger, he may not be aware of the impact that his actions have had on you. If he’s older, he should know better than to lead you on…again, if that’s the case. Hopefully, he will have had time to consider what a wonderful person you are, and that he wants to have a realtionship with you.

The only other thing I could think of is that he’s aloof with reading women and body language, except that from what you say, he seems very much able to connect.

Like I said, I’m just throwing this out there, since it did pop in my mind. As far as your actions and feelings, I would have done the same things, so don’t ever feel you’re at fault or that you did this to yourself. You did not break your own heart, you are not pathetic…you are simply human. If you didn’t have the capacity to feel so hurt, I’d be worried about you.

As for the job, that’s one that only you can decide. On one hand, you like Ikea, and should stay. On the other hand, perhaps, in the big picture, there’s a reason that you have an escape with the store downtown. I mean, it’s even for the same pay. I tend to think that there are sometimes reasons for things, and we may never know why, we just do or not do. Only you can decide. I’ve always managed to have things work out by just following my heart, and my gut. Take time to listen to yourself.

[sup]not sure if this helped or not, but please know that my inbox is always open.[/sup]

20

I don’t have time for a long post and probably everything I’d have wanted to say has been said above anyway, so I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you I hope you hear back from him and either there’ll be no reason for your heart to heal, or if there is, that it will do so soon.

{{{Sara}}}