Oh boy, do I need some advice from you guys.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Thank you, everyone, for the advice. I sincerely needed some perspective, and that’s exactly what I got. It’s refreshing and gives me hope - not that James will love me, but that I can make it to the other side of this mess (what else can I do?). I still haven’t heard from him. I got sick of checking my e-mail every ten minutes so I went for a ride and ended up in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I got lost and made it back about 45 minutes ago. (Note to posters: Do not get lost in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Bad idea).

However, I was able to get some insight into this whole deal. And I realized that it really isn’t me. I’m not beautiful or perfect, like his last two girlfriends. I’m not glamorous. My eyebrows are not perfectly tweezed (the left is always thinner than the right). I’m not a size 2, I don’t have matching shoes and purses, my hair is frizzy, my nails are always a mess and I refuse to pay money for fake ones. I have enough self-respect to not try to rebuild myself into someone he might love. If he’s too stupid to realize that what he needs is sitting on the other end of the phone, a ten-minute car drive or an e-mail away, then it really is him. I’ve given him the very best of what I have - I’ve been the best friend I could possibly be to him.

I still would like for him to love me, though.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I haven’t heard from him yet. I’m going to curl my hair, put on some mascara and take myself to work tomorrow, and try to be strong. I’m going to be twenty in less than two months. If I was 16, I would just cry and sob hysterically and still try to make him love me. But I’m an adult now, and I’m not going to throw myself away for him. I don’t regret that past 11 months we’ve spent together. I will always be immensely grateful for what he’s given me and taught me.

Right now I just feel so numb.

Thanks again, a million times thanks, to everyone who replied. I am feeling stronger. I can breathe (I actually hyperventilated when I woke up this morning and re-read the e-mail I had sent him. My mom had to get me a paper bag).

I’ll keep you updated. I have classes all day and then work from 5-9:30. So we’ll see.

22

Sara, all I can say is that we have ALL been there, and I for one definitely know how you feel. At the time it feels like the world is ending, and that is only slightly metaphorical.

However. Don’t let this damage your self-esteem. Just because this one person does not return your feelings doesn’t mean that 1) it’s because you don’t deserve it, 2) you’re not attractive, 3) you’re not fun, witty, interesting, and an all-around great person, and 4) you will never find anyone who will. I let myself fall into the trap of thinking all of those things at various times in my life, and none of them are true – it doesn’t matter who you are!

Do what feels best for you. If that means cutting off contact as much as possible with this person, then do it. If it means trying to be friends, then do it. Just don’t make yourself miserable trying to “do the right thing” when it’s not really what you want.

And know that there are a lot of people out here sending you positive thoughts and support!

23

Sarah, sweetie…

You didn’t do anything wrong. You are a wonderful, giving person, and you were honest. It may be that it is just taking your James some time to work out his own feelings.

If he DOESN’T love you the way you want him to, you STILL didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds as though you have given time to this relationship, and that this is in NO WAY an impetuous feeling on your part. It may well be that he is just not capable right now of loving ANYONE the way that you love him, the way you deserve to be loved.

There is a wonderful song out right now by Leeanne Womack. In it, she says something along the lines of “Loving may be a mistake, but it’s worth making.” I agree with this wholeheartedly. Regardless of the outcome, you put yourself out there, you tried. And if it doesn’t work out, at least you will never wonder “what if?” I really feel that “what if” are the two saddest words I can think of.

Please, please don’t let this eat away at your positive view of yourself. I know how hard you have worked to achieve that…how hard you are STILL working. You are strong, Sarah, and you WILL be fine no matter what. It may take time, and it may take work. But you will make it, and you will be a stronger person because of it.

If you need me, you know that I am here for you, and you have my email address. I want to help if I can.

(((((Sarah)))))

I will pray that James realizes what a remarkable person you are, and that he loves you the way you deserve to be loved. But if not, it will NOT be the end of your world, although I know it may feel like it for awhile.

Much Love,

Cheri

24

I’ve got a few hours of NYC Dopefest memories that say differently. . .
And no, Lancasater PA ain’t the local hotspot. Unless you like Dutch Wonderland. . .
Tripler

25

Sara, I just wanted to tell you that no matter what happens, you did the right thing sending the e-mail. Don’t get to asking yourself “why did I expose myself?”. Not trying is far worse. Hang in there and good luck…

26

One more pullin’ for ya, my friend.

Having been both the head and the horse’s ass of this coin, I can tell you one thing for certain right now: whatever he feels about you, Dude’s scarder 'n a three-legged cat thrown onto the dog track. There’s a reason why guys shy away from this sort of thing. It’s because most of us are completely unequipped to deal.

That is not your fault. He likely appreciates your intellectual and emotional honesty, but I guarantee you he’s scared shitless. You’ll hear from him, but it will take time for him to decide what he wants, and how he’s going to tell you.

Be patient, pal. He’s your friend, he respects you, and he won’t let you down. Whatever the answer, remember the words of the Butthole Surfers:

“Daddy?”
“Yes, son?”
“What does regret mean?”
“Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t done. And by the way, when you see your mom this weekend? Would you be sure to tell her ‘SATAN! SATAN! SATAN!’”

Words to live by, dear. And if your man doesn’t see how cool you are, gimme his number and I’ll call him up and tell him just that. The Satan part, that is.

27

{{{{N4S}}}} - it sounds like you’re already getting this in perspective. I have little to add - other people have stated what I would’ve liked to say, but far better than I could. You had the courage to reach out, and when the storm clears, you’ll not regret it.

It hurts, but it’ll pass. And you’ll become stronger (Heaven help us) from going through this. You’ll see it through.

Hugs, S. Norman

28

Oh hon…

{{{{Sara}}}}

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Repeatedly. I can’t add any advice that hasn’t been already said before, but if you need someone to talk to, my email and phone are always open, hon. If all else fails, we can go out drinking and mock the guys who aren’t wise enough to realize what they give up.

more hugs

29

{{{{{Sara}}}}}

As a older and supposedly wiser woman I can say been there and done that…and pretty damn recently too.

I met this guy in a training class…blond hair,blue eyes who likes the same things I do. We bonded from the day we met…to the point people thought we were dating. I carried the unrequited torch for MONTHS.

Then one day I just decided fuck it. There are guys out there who DO want me so why am I chasing someone doesn’t respond?

I stand in awe of your guts to “come out” to him. I never had the balls.

I’m not a size 2 either but I’ve learned to work what I have…I’ll always be a short curvy diva…and there are guys who don’t want a Barbie doll as a girlfriend. You can’t talk with a doll…

You can email me anytime Sara…:slight_smile:

30

Sara, just wanted to say I admire your courage. To give of yourself is brave.

31

Hi, Sarah.

First of all, let me start off by saying that you rock. I don’t post much and you probably won’t even recognize my name, but I read here quite a bit (usually when I should be working, hence the lack of posting) and if I notice a thread that you started or have the last reply to, I always read it. I can’t think of a higher compliment I could pay to a fellow poster while still appearing fairly normal and sane. You’re obviously intelligent, witty, down-to-earth, and completely sweet (oh, and your picture ain’t bad either). As depressing as it was, your post when your aunt Elaine passed away truly touched me. It made me think that if I could impact the life of one of my little nieces in the way that she touched you but it would mean that I would have to pass away before my time, I would make that deal in a second. It made me think that you meant at least as much to her as she did to you, and I’m not sure you ever knew it. When you said that you had a crappy childhood but you’d do it all over again because you like the person you’ve become, it made me feel that I’m either not completely crazy or else I’m in excellent company, and I don’t care which it is. I really think you stand out from the crowd, and you need someone with as much to offer as you have.

I’m not going to try to guess what the deal is with James, but I do have a little advice to throw out. First, don’t leave your job because of him. Close your eyes and imagine that your roles were reversed, you wouldn’t want him to leave would you? It might be uncomfortable for a little while, but be glad that you have him as a friend (which I promise you still do; no guy is ever going to hate you for liking him too much). If that doesn’t work, take on the attitude that he has no right to control your life to the point that you have to leave a job you enjoy. Or combine both, but please don’t leave your job because of him.

Next, it’s logical thinking time. Shut off the right hemisphere and turn on the left for a couple minutes. What is really important to you? You care about him, and you want him to be happy. You care about you, and you want you to be happy. If he dates someone he thinks is fantastic, be genuinely happy for him. This will take a good amount of effort and self-convincing for a while, but give it time and it will become genuine. Take it from a guy who was the best man at the wedding of his ex-girlfriend and best friend in the world since pre-school. It’ll be tough, but it will work and you’ll be a better person for it.

I truly hope this helps. You’re also completely welcome to e-mail me and request brutally honest male perspective, if that seems like it would be useful at any time.

Take care of you.
Lowell

32

Everyone here has said everything I thought of saying already…

Except for one thing.

Go and write yourself some of the most outrageous poetry your have ever penned. A thunderbolt like this doesn’t come around all that often (good thing/bad thing). Glance over the smoking ruins and light a bonfire from the hot spots that are left. I would be happy to review anything you come up with, as I’m sure most of the people at these boards would as well.

Go for the gusto girl! Even if he doesn’t, at least you know how to live.

33

quote: I am pathetic.

Hell, no. You’re human.

I’ve been down this road before. It was 20 years ago, but I still think of her sometimes and what might have been, then I get my head back in place and think of what I do have: a wife who loves me back and two great kids.

I know this is probably going to be a little harder on you than most of the other posts, but it’s a result of my long-time association with ol’ scratch. So here goes:

Get your self-esteem back up. Nothing that happened is your fault. You’re tougher than you think, babe, and anyone who doesn’t believe it should get eaten alive. And people who don’t appreciate you for who you are aren’t worth heartache.

Go back to school, even if it’s for a single class. Be active, it helps distract you. If the other job really seems good, go for it. It might turn out to be a great career move, a change of scenery will help, and changing a job doesn’t mean changing your friends as well. The real friends will always stay with you.

I know right now you feel really low about this, but it WILL get better. Believe in yourself. Look around yourself - at your family, your friends. There are people who love you, without question or reservation.

That’s it, I guess. Sorry to sound a lot like a dad - I am - and I’m old enough to be yours. Like most dads, I’m not great with the words, but believe me - I know you’ll make it. You’re stronger than you think right now.

34

It’s hard when things go awry with someone you’re forced to work with. I was in a very close situation a few years back, I fell for someone from work. We hooked up a few times, I took this to mean we had some sort of relationship. When he told me he had no romantic feelings for me, I was crushed. I didn’t want to ever see him again. And the next day I had to work a 8 hour shift with him. If nothing else, it builds character. You’ll learn to force yourself not to cry in front of him. The store ended up closing down, so we were both transferred to different restaurants. 6 months later, we began to talk again. While it would’ve been hard to work with him everyday, we could have managed. But, a seperation is always nice. Is there anyway you could take a leave of absence, and come back when you’re ready?

Whatever happens, best of luck :slight_smile:

35

The First Noble Truth is, life is suffering. My sympathies, and best wishes that things resolve well.

One piece of advice: running any kind of narrative of, well he’s just an idiot, is not a healthy thing to do. Others suggesting it to you is perfectly understandable, people fall into cliches when fumbling to help people through pain there’s really nothing for but time–but it’s still not a healthy thing. You may think you understand someone perfectly, etc., but that’s simply never the case–it’s an ideal limit that a healthy relationship moves towards. Growing closer but never reaching.

My guess would be, with the caveat of not knowing either of you, but assuming the closeness of the friendship was true, is that he’s very afraid, probably feeling that he’s in a corner, and that there is nothing honest to do that will not end up causing even more pain to a friend. And yes, he may not love you. Love doesn’t work by “shoulds”. That doesn’t make him an idiot, or a terrible person, necessarily. Now obviously I don’t know him from Adam, so hell, maybe he is an idiot. And maybe you are pathetic. But I kinda doubt both of those possibilities.

There is no formula and sure-fire way to heal through times of intense emotional pain. To get quippy, to heal it, you gotta feel it. If you’re the kind of person to bury things and slam down emotional armor–fight that. If you’re not, fight the temptation to explore that kind of reaction. Trust me on that.

Anyway and again, best wishes.

36

N4S,

I have nothing to add the the responses you’ve got already but i do want to say that i’m pulling for you. This will pass and you will come out the other side, whatever happens. Check in to let us know how you’re doing - there are a lot of people here think you’re fantastic and who know you’re an intelligent, funny and tough person. Take care.

Fran

37

I’d like to evolve to the state where I’m comfortable enough giving love w/o feeling diminished if I don’t get any back. That’s not to say that I want to experience more unrequited love, but I’d like to get to the point where I don’t feel foolish or used or ripped off if I don’t turn a profit my “love investment.” I’d like to say simply I gave love and it felt good, and now–to paraphrase Maude from Harold & Maude–it’s time to go out and love again.

I suppose the appeal is that you never really lose with that attitude :).
Anyway, Sara, I hope you receive as much as you’re clearly capable of giving.

38

No one is perfect, although anyone that knows you or has read your posts would say you are truly beautiful. I believe we all know you are.

39

My heart goes out to you. This is never an easy time.

I think you may be limiting yourself in the ways you choose to look at the situation. You say you love him, and want him to love you, but when you say love, you seem to implicitly include a “girlfriend/boyfriend” relationship. Love can take many forms, and the love of friends can be as deep and fulfilling as that of the “relationship.”

You seem to attach his possible rejection of you as a girlfriend as a rejection of you as a loved one. But why? It sounds to me like the two of you have grown very close and he certainly values you and his relationship with you, and he will not want to jeopardize it. For me at least, and I imagine some others probably feel the same way, the thought of dating a close friend is kind of scary. Dating relationships have a chance of ending badly, for one reason or another, and the very fact of the dating relationship changes the friendship forever.

The worst case scenario, I guess, is that you are in the infamous “Friend Zone.” Happens to the best of us. Heck, there are almost certainly some fellows quite unhappy to be in yours. Not much consolation, I guess, but that’s life.

I will agree that he is at least a little scared, but he will let you know how he feels. He just needs his time to sort things out. If you work with him, you will have to see him soon. If he hasn’t given you a straight idea of where he stands after a few days and he has seen you and had the opportunity to talk to you, then you can ask for some kind of response from him. It’s what you deserve. I don’t think any response that you get will be as bad as you may anticipate.

40

If I am able, I would like to share something personal that is currently happening in my life, as it might help…

I am in love with a woman who is not in love with me, but loves me, if you believe what she says. We met quite a while ago, and I popped the question back in September of last year. Hallelujah! She said YES! I was the happiest man on earth! We moved in together a month later, splitting the difference between Orlando and Tampa, where she and I are from, respectively.

I loved her unreservedly. I showered her with affection and attention. Fixing gourmet meals. Having surprises waiting for her at home, i.e. flowers, candles burning and all sorts of different things. She answered his by going out more and more often during the week with her friends. Angry if I tried to even call her. She expected me to be 100% answerable for my time, but was secretive and confrontational about hers. We talked about this situation, and I thought we had resolved things to our mutual satisfaction. We had a medieval handfasting as our ceremony over New Years’ day, which was not a legal wedding, but served as a formal engagement.

To make a long story a little shorter, she moved out the first week of March. While I was not home. She left me a note, and the ring I had given her, stating that she wanted to be selfish and live for herself, not being answerable to anyone.

She contacted me a week later, after she got her new place, and wanted me to come over to talk. We decided to try again, and see how things went, so we went on a week long vacation together. She went right back to not wanting to be with me when her friend was there, and treated me badly again. It hurt even worse the second time.

Sara, I guess the point of these ramblings is this: You cannot make someone love you, regardless how much and how deeply you feel for them. It is better to find this out now about your friend, than get into a relationship that will hurt you much worse in the long run. Take it from one who has been there.

There is a match for you out there.

O