My whole life I’ve never been in a real romatic relationship. I’ve at most had a couple episodes that maybe last a week or two and some random hook-ups at parties. I’m really the only one among my close friends who has not. I mean it gets to the point where I don’t even want to flirt with any girls I see, cause I think (know) it will fail. Of course I know this attitude is a sure way to continue to be alone, but a guy can only take so much, and I fear sometimes I take rejection more personally than I should. Sometimes to the point of getting those misogynistic thoughts like women are bitches or objects to be used and abused. I definitely want to be in a relationship, because to me it is one of those things where the sum is greater than the parts, Your character flaws and those of others are not as apparent or important when you have someone for yourself. I feel like it would in many ways make me a better person, more able to sympathize with the feelings and plights of others. Ok maybe that sounds a little greedy or self-obsessed. Sometimes I think I could never care about something as much as myself. Damn when I was younger I felt like I was such a good person whatever the hell that means, but I feel like I was corrupted somehow and I’m scared others will come to this realization as well. If I saw someone else post this I’d prob think to myself what a whiny little bitch. But at least I can show some weakness on a message board if nowhere else.
As someone in the process of getting a therapist, I say, “Get a therapist”.
A decent counselor can be a turbo-charger on your personal growth. He/She’ll tell you things that others dance around, and challenge you to change things and think about things you’ve been avoiding.
I’ve been there pool. You’ll pull through this and come out stronger for it, you’re where 99% of the male population has been. And the world continues to somehow continue growing in population.
Oh, pool, you have a coupla problems here.
First, a relationship will not “make you a better person.” It will not make you “more able to sympathise with the feelings and plights of others.” It will not cause you to suddenly respect women, either. You either are or aren’t these things. A relationship is not going to do that for you.
The “sum” is not greater than the parts, either. If, for example, you are a person who is unfaithful, how will bringing that to a relationship create a better “sum”? If you have nothing but unrealistic expectations to bring to the relationship, the burden likely will be too great for your partner to bear.
Character flaws are MORE apparent and very important when you are in a relationship. And even while in a committed relationship, you will not “have someone for yourself.” People are independent with their own thoughts, ambitions and opinions. They are not puppies.
Perhaps it’s time to seek counseling instead of hoping that a relationship will make your problems disappear?
Ah, the search for love.
Yeah, I kind of agree with Large Marge a little. Your problems won’t disappear when you get a partner. A partner won’t complete you, or give your life meaning or purpose.
Don’t waste your time thinking they will, that everything will be better if you had a partner to face life’s trials with. Instead spend your time dealing with your issues and getting yourself right so you’re ready when the right one shows up in your life.
Fill your life with things that challenge and excite you. Fill it full. Trust me, that’s what draws it to you, having a life that pleases you and makes you feel good about who you are is almost magnetic in it’s power to draw love to you. When you stop feeling the absence of another to complete you, that you are enough, just you, is just about when it always shows up.
Seeking true love is a fool’s journey for the simple reason that the real journey is to seek to be worthy of true love.
Changing any misogynist views, softening your view of others, making you a better person. These are tasks for self and not something someone else can bring into your life.
“Sometimes I think I could never care about something as much as myself”, this is a real good starting point and until you address this root issue everything else is just spinning your wheels.
Good luck to you, my friend!
In my opinion, the reason you’re not getting into relationships is that you’re going about it wrong. Instead of searchiong for romance and love, you should try to make friends with the ladies. The best relationships grow out of friendships.
Instead of trying to flirt, try to start a conversation. Hang out, instead of trying to hook up. Later, if it seems like the two of you really like each other, start moving into romance mode.
With this method, the worst thing that can happen is that you end up with some new friends (who might introduce you to other women that might be a better match for you.) Ladies will be more comfortable around you if they don’t feel like they’re being “hit on” and not so defensive. There’s no fear of rejection, because only the bitchiest people will reject a casual, friendly conversation.
pool, I’m going to break from tradition here and tell you that all of the things you’ve been thinking are totally normal. No, not all of your thoughts and feelings are noble or perfectly healthy, but they are certainly utterly human and I doubt that there are a lot of people out there who haven’t thought this way during a particularly rough spell of singlehood and abject loneliness.
I am not in your situation, as I have had many “serious” relationships, all of which have ultimately failed for a wide variety of reasons, leaving me where you are, more or less. I sometimes think all men are screwed up, or that I’m screwed up, or that someday I’ll magically meet the right guy and somehow it’ll all work out, and all that loneliness and sadness will go away.
However, I also realize that the best thing I can do is just live my life, try to be social, stay connected with my friends and my own interests. If I meet someone, cool. My goal is to try to be happy with what I have when I have it. I’m not always successful, of course, but it’s a process that will never end, with good days and bad days.
I hope you find what you’re looking for. Everyone says not to look, but how can you not? So look, talk, go out, do what you enjoy. Good luck, man.
Thanks for the replies, I wasn’t completely sober when I posted this so I feel a little embarassed. Actually now that I have put these thoughts into words and shared them I feel a lot better about it. 