Past month or so, I’ve been having a little relationship trouble, sort of stalling out, with my SO of about 7 months. There’d been Issues all along, which we kind of worked around, and then suddenly, things weren’t going as smoothly as before.
A week ago, we finally sat down and talked. I was scared, becuase he’s older than I am, and we’d established he’s at a different point, emotionally, than I am. There is a difference like that between a 21 year old and a 17 year old. I have a lot of emotional baggage that I dragged into this relationship, he’s been accepting of it, but I finally realized that in order to get over a hesitance towards affection in general, I needed to change something in our relationship. Needed some room to work it out without feeling I also needed to answer to him. I didn’t, really, he’s one of the most supportive people in my life right now, but it was one of those strange dillusions I hold.
I didn’t want to break up, because I knew, when we started talking, I wouldn’t be able to say “We need some time apart” to him, at least not without blubbering helplessly. It’s not that things stopped clicking so well, it’s that we weren’t going anywhere, as if in suspended animation. But we sat down and we talked over pizza and diet Cokes, and he did what we both knew one of us had to: “We need to spend some time alone.” Not apart - he’s part of my daily life, as a tae kwon do instructor. But we need to bring our relationship back to that, and just a friendship, at least for now.
And then I did what I didn’t want to do but knew I would - I cried and felt totally heartbroken. Not while I was talking to him, but when I got home and called my cousin, who’s also an emotional rock for me. I cried because I was suddenly sure that this was all my fault, he didn’t love me - didn’t even like me - thought I was immature, and I’d never find another guy as wonderful as him, becuase honestly, he’s become my god.
And then, last night, I realized something that I think I’ve needed to realize for a long time - from way back when I was first pining over him from distance.
He’s just a guy. He’s not god, he’s not the next incarnation of Jesus or Buddha, he’s not perfect. I went through the times I’d been pissed off at him, at how dense he was to my initial (and admittedly timid) attempts at flirtation, at how he often concentrates too much on showing off and not enough on keeping himself safe. These thoughts mingled with how he didn’t make me any better of a person - he didn’t sneak up on me when I was sleeping and mist me with the Person Bettering Spray. What he did was try and make me realize that I am a good person to begin with, that I didn’t need Studly Guy to make me a good person.
And all the sudden, in an emotional tidal wave, I felt confident about it all. Because honestly, I do need time apart from any relationship right now, because I need to go further myself before I can further a relationship. Right now, this instant, I don’t want to get back together with him. Eventually, maybe we will, or maybe we’ll both move on in our own seperate ways. It’s established that he’s not going to actively persue any new relationship, but if someone does come and sweep him off his feet, he’s free to go with it, whatever may come.
And I’m fine with that. He’s been, and still is, wonderful for me. A month ago, and about for about six months or so before that, he was the best guy for me. He was not, however, The Best Guy For Me, Ever. Maybe he will be, but right now, he’s not, because being with him isn’t what’s best for me right now. Maybe I’ll get through my own emotional muck, and all the sudden find someone other than him, and he (or she, I’m really not picky) will be the Best Person For Me to Spend My Life With. Or, maybe they’ll be the Best Person For Me to Spend X Amount of Time With. Maybe it’ll be him again, maybe not.
It’s strange - I all the sudden went from completely heartbroken and insecure to happy and knowing that this is right for me, in a matter of minutes. It was one of those thoughts that strikes you as you’re trying to fall asleep - it came out of nowhere, and clicked into place. I called him this morning, which he was surprised at, and I told him what I’d figured out. He sounded nothing but happy for me, which cemented it in my mind that I’m right about this. I know that he’s still there for me, we’re still good friends, and life is not over. My life does not and should not revolve around him, and I was getting dangerously close to that. Right now, I’m at a stage where my life needs to revolve around me, in order to let myself broaden out again.
And right now, I’m happy with that: happy with knowing it, happy with the support I have, happy with the fact that I’m now one step closer to my world not needing to revolve around myself.
And honestly, I think that this feeling may beat the feeling of being in love, at least right now.
