Beck and bad, bad, bad figgy folderol

I picked figs. I had 2 gallons after I picked through the bird pecked ones.
I always think if a bird was close enough to peck one she was close enough to pee on it.
Hmmm? Do birds pee? sorry, I digress…

I plucked, peeled, cleaned and washed figs. What was left I put in an enamel pan with sugar and began simmering.
Son-of-a-wrek came in and stated it smelled like a gin factory.
We were eating breakfast. mid-Daughter came in from jogging. Kids were running around like chickens.
The lil’wrekker was giggling. Kinda strange like.
mid-Daughter asked what was wrong with everyone?
DIL was tsk-tsking.
My cats were in the beams howling.

Oh, crap. I know what’s wrong.
We were intoxicated.
The figs were simmering away.
They were fermented in the heat the last few days.
I was stoned.
The lil’wrekker was stoned.
Son was stoned.
DIL was complaining of a headache. Again.
The Grandwrex were stoned.
The cats were stoned.
mid-Daughter was well on her way to being stoned.
We were all stoned out of our collective gourds.

And I didn’t feel well.
Erp. I needed to barf. I beat the lil’wrekker to the bathroom by mere inches.
I ran back out and turned the stove off. Put a lid on the pot.
Found the hot-mits. I took the pot out to the garage.
We opened the French doors.
And turned fans on.
One by one we all went to the bathroom several times.

Now I know some won’t believe this. I have no cite. I have no way to prove it.

I guess it coulda been ‘group hysteria’

Maybe we’ve just been stuck with each other too long?
We’ve gone insane.
That’s it.

Drunk on simmering figs?
You decide.

kids with afternoon hangovers is very unpleasant, in case you ever wanted to know

Hey, Mikey. At the top of the box you write your reply in is a wheel on the far right. Click or tap on it. It gives you a menu. Tap blur and type in the brackets for a hidden message under the fog.

Oops, I answered before you deleted

No, deleted by accident. I truly hate this software.

It takes some getting used to.

heh got one better … at one time in the 80s a company that owned Hawaiian punch decided to carbonate it …and it tasted worse than t-bird or MD 20/20 … around the same time for the winter holidays/vacations mom bought a bunch of Hawaiian punch in 2-liter bottles bit since we always had a gang of neighborhood rodents hanging around she stashed it in her bedroom closet so we didn’t drink it up all at once … well around easter we found a couple of bottles that we missed when cleaning out the closet

we promptly opened them up and poured glasses and guzzled about 4 -5 liters of Hawaiian punch but it was fizzy so we rationalized ehh it was the aforementioned style with the fizz drank it anyways all of a sudden cleaning moms closet/bedroom was hella fun we’re laughing giggling and being morons

so uncle comes to borrow something from mom I and sees half a dozen kids beyond the buzz stage and was like WTF did you guys get into? we said all we drank was the punch … he sniffed it and said … someone made jailhouse wine aka “pruno” we said no it’s just what the “sparkling” version was he called the cs number and found out that no it was just the normal juice version and it had nicely fermented in the closet and was about 40 proof since they had discontinued the sparkling version a month before

Well, uncle being a quick thinker made out as we bought it like that from the store … they apologized and sent us 50$ in free coupons …mom was less than enthused and said we should have waited for her to open it … but we got an impromptu sleepover and was sufficiently bribed with pizza and game rentals (which is why we were cleaning the closet out in the first place was so she’d take us to blockbuster to rent some games ) to not mention it to anyone else…

I know raw figs do very bad things to your GI tract.:astonished: My grandparents had a fig tree. I ate a few raw ones and suffered the consequences.

Grandma made fig preserves every year. We enjoyed it on our breakfast toast.

I’d never heard that the fumes were so strong. But, I don’t recall being around when the preserves were being made.

Beck were you able to finish canning the figs? I guess not since the pot went into the garage.

I rescued the pot of drunken prunes after it cooled. I bagged it up in gallon ziplocks and froze it.

I’ll recook it outside on the fish cooker in a few days and finish my perserves.

I almost picked another gallon of the figs this morning. But I resisted.

I’m a bit jealous. It’s been 40 years since I’ve had homemade fig preserves.

I’m not sure if my stomach would tolerate them now. I’ve seen preserves in the store and passed them up. Gotta be careful as I get older. IBS changed my diet.

Drunken ‘Figs’ not ‘prunes’
I have a plum tree,too. It’s fruiting as well.

Mixing up fruit in my brain.
I’m kinda ‘fruit-y’ at the moment. :upside_down_face:

A long time ago, in a movie theater far, far away, we had a jet-spray with pink lemon aid in it. Like 10 gallons of the stuff. It was bad enough that nobody bought that vile pink drink, but this was at a remote station on another floor.

One day I noticed that the staff was goofier than normal, which was saying a lot. Yup, jail house hooch. The minions were unhappy when I ordered it dumped and sterilized. Upper management was livid that we had dumped 10 gallons of pure profit–then I asked if they really wanted to tell the Board of Health that we were selling alcoholic beverages to minors…

I make Persimmon beer. Mr.Wrekker is fond of it.

It’s the nastiest stuff ever. It gets so hoochy that it can burn the shellac off a wooden surface.
When it gets like that I pour it down the drain. Clear drains for awhile.
The gift that keeps on giving.

Watermelon wine is good. I’ve had it made as a slushie. Very nice on a hot August day.

@aceplace57, If you have IBS you should steer clear of figs.
They will screw up the gut, big-time.

I haven’t had figs since college. That’s when my grandma stopped canning. It was too much work for her.

I buy fig Newton’s once in awhile. I don’t think there’s much fig in those cookies.

Oh, Acey. You remind me. Walmart has these cookies. Like fig Newton’s but they have strawberry filling. Dang, them things are good. ‘Great Value’ brand. So they are cheap.
I’ll just have to dream of them, tho’
My glucose has been acting up since the drunk episode.

Anything with strawberries is good. :blush: I’ll look for those cookies next time I buy groceries.

I understand it’s frustrating to avoid cookies. My mamaw developed diabetes in her early seventies.

Say this fast, three times.

I’m not the fig plucker, but the fig plucker’s son.But I’ll pluck figs, till the fig plucker comes.

That was from a drinking game in the late 70s / early 80s. Involved tongue twisters. Started out with

a hen

A hen, a couple of duck

A hen, a couple of duck, three brown bear

A hen, a couple of duck, three brown bear, four flapping fish (pronouned “feesh” for some reason)…

So the Wrekks got wrecked on fig fumes? It figgers. Wild times at Granny’s house!

I hate to be pedantic, but in regards to your question, “Do birds pee?” the answer is, of course, yes. You know that white stuff pigeons like to bomb unsuspecting pedestrians with? That’s their pee. If there’s a black fleck in it, that fleck is the poop.

OK, back to fun in the figgery…