Becoming a Father or a Mother

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I have two daughters and I don’t regret it at all to say the least but it is stressful in all ways to have kids in modern society. You are on call 24/7 and you have to know where they are and who they are with at all times too. Try handling a baby with colic sometime like mine had. That is uncontrollable crying that goes on for hours with no known cause and you can’t really stop it. If I were to die tonight, I would feel complete because of my daughters but children aren’t pets and you better think about it long and hard before you commit to something like that because your life is going to change drastically and, despite what people say, workplaces, society in general, and even some family members aren’t that accommodating to people with small children.

You didn’t say if you are married or not but that relationship will change instantly once a baby is conceived and there is the very real possibility you could find yourself standing in front of a judge one day with a lawyer by your side no matter who the mother is.

I don’t mean to be a downer. I love being a father more than anything I could possibly imagine but there is a lot of hassle and complications to go along with it that are virtually irreversible. Men’s biological clocks aren’t as tightly wound as female’s so you still have time (you will need raw cash as well). This is a decision you need to make with the raw logic part of your brain and not emotion.

22

editing and bolding mine …
I bolded a part that really jumped out at me. Fun and interesting experiment for you … but it’s someone else’s whole LIFE. Nobody wants to be created just to be a fun little experiment for someone else.

It’s an experiment that you can’t un-do. Anything else in life, you can un-do. Take a job you don’t like, marry someone you can’t stand, move to a city you loathe … all can be un-done. But once you create a new life, that’s it. Your experiment better work.
Also, if I read you right, when your condom broke … she was already on the Pill? Seriously? If that’s true, then the condom itself is already pretty redundant. There is no need to freak out like that (charting her cycle? ferreals?) if she’s been taking the Pill properly. Not to mention, taking Plan B while on the Pill is subjecting her body to one helluva hormone load.
Not sure what the girl in your other anecdote was laughing about … unless it was b/c she had already told the guy she was on the Pill and was laughing at him freaking out that badly.

The Pill has a 99.9% rating … condoms hover around 80% or so, last I read. You’re putting all your faith in the item that works LESS WELL than the item you have no faith in at all. I don’t trust condoms, but I trust The Pill.

23

This really jumped out at me, too. That and “demanding” she take Part B. That seemed really, really high-handed. Yeah, I get that you didn’t want a kid, but I hope the OP was a little more diplomatic than that - as you noted Part B is pretty hard on the body. I’ve never taken it myself, but a friend of mine said the cramps were so strong she was in bed for almost a week after taking it. She said she’d never felt that much pain before in her life (until childbirth, that is, which came much later).

24

ajb867, you might be interested in this thread: If I ignore the ticking of my biological clock, will it go away?(I’m linking to it because guests still can’t search, or has that been fixed now?)

As for the practical side, just sign up for a dating site and check the box that you are ready to have kids. For many ladies, that is a definite plus and you might find you get more attention then before. I would recommend you also include women a little older then you. If you are twentyseven, a woman in her early thirties might just be a bit more settled in her job and financially, and more sure she wants to have children, and together you might make a better pair of parents.
I met my husband when he was 31 and I was 38, and while we “clicked” romantically first and foremost, my husband certainly wanted to have children for some time and he knew that I just simply didn’t have the time to doubt and postpone much longer. He said he wanted to have my babies quite early in the relationship. Him saying that scared me, but it also touched a chord.

After a few miscarriages, our son was born when we were together four years, and my husband *loves *being a father. He does most of the hands on child care, while I do everything else. That division of work is unusual; many women think of child care as something their husbands won’t be able to do, so both spouses fall in the pattern of dad the earner and mom the mother. What owuld your ideal division of work be?

25

First off, what Shagnasty noted: guys have it easier in this regard. You’ve got a LOT of time, if it turns out you need it. You’re 14 years younger than I was when we had our first kid. There seem to be a lot of old new dads everywhere. Yeah, we’ll all be parenting teens when we’re in our late 50’s and paying for college when we’re trying to retire, but still. Children are wonderful things and add joy to your life that you can scarcely imagine. It’s worth it.

There are certainly advantages to having kids at a younger age, too, but I still wouldn’t be in a hurry to get into what you think/hope will be a permanent relationship. You WILL be tied to the mother of your children for a long, long time, even if things go bad. Do not, do not, DO NOT pair up with a functional reproductive system whose owner only sort of does it for you now, or who you can’t see wanting to be with every day for the rest of your life- that’s a recipe for unhappiness. As also noted, the good relationship needs to come first. Toward that end, I’d be sure you’re doing everything you can to find yourself the woman you want to be part of the rest of your life- ask all your friends to set you up when possible, get yourself into groups and activities where you’ll meet people, use personal ads and/or dating services, whatever.

The $$$ aspect has been mentioned, and wisely so. Have you run any numbers on child-raising? Just a few, for starters:

Diapers- 20-25 cents apiece x several per day x 2-3 years, per child
Food- starts at about one dollar per meal x 2-3 meals of solid food per day when the baby begins eating solids, after which the daily cost only goes up. Possibly formula in there, too, which is expensive. Multiplied by every day of the child’s life until he leaves the house, multiplied by every child.
Day care- Figure on high 4-figures (could be more) per year, per child, until school age. Or, the entire salary of a parent who quits to stay home with the children, from the time of quitting until the youngest is school age.
Orthodonture- Often highly desirable, but not technically necessary and thus considered an elective procedure. Meaning, insurance may well not cover it. Several thousand $$$ per kid.
Life insurance- Premiums can run into the 3-figures per month if you want to insure yourself so the kids would be left with the equivalent of your salary until they’re college-age. A lot more if you want the payoff to cover college expenses if you croak early.

etc. Obviously there’s all sorts of significant expense categories I skipped, but you get the idea. Not that finances should be the deciding factor, but if parenthood is something you know you want in your future, it’s a good idea to have a clear-eyed view of what it can cost. Taking a little time to build up savings or otherwise get your financial house in order may be very worthwhile in the long run.

It’s still worth it, though.

26

Sure they do.

You misunderstood me. When I said, “her being on the pill,” I meant the Plan B pill. And for your information, using a condom while a woman is on the pill isn’t redundant, it’s recommended that you use two forms of birth control.

She wasn’t on the pill. The bitch was just amused by his fear.

Very informative. If only I could force every woman I meet to get on the pill, huh?

27

The money question is not to be taken lightly. There is never a right time to have children, there will always be one more thing to do or fix. But you can be aware of your financial situation and plan accordingly. I have a friend who literally lives paycheck to paycheck, as in her paycheck was a day late and she had to scramble to stop bill payments. She eats out every meal, shops for new clothes every weekend, and has no money leftover. She is NOT ready for kids, despite desperately trying to have one.

Diapers - Are not necessarily a budget buster. Cheap ones work fine. But you are going to have buy them for a long time. By the time you are done buying diapers, it is not the exepense you are glad to see the end of.

Food - I have found that with the exception of formula, food has not been overly expensive for my kids. This will change, and dramatically so, as they get older. When they are young they eat little, as they grow they become like a swarm of locusts.

Daycare - This is the biggie. Think about this with whoever you have a child with before the child is conceived. It is at least five years before your child starts school, which may or may not be a full day, and which almost certainly won’t be as long as most workdays. Who is going to watch the child? My kids have/are gone to a day care center. They have benefitted from the educational head start they get and the interaction with other kids. No regrets. But sending two kids to daycare was almost 400 hundred dollars a week. Not a month, a week. While tax deductible, that is little consolation if you are struggling to make ends meet.

Little things - We buy almost all of our kids clothes second hand or inherit from firends and family. Still, one day its he needs a new coat or she needs new jeans. Went to buy summer sandals for the kids, had to buy new sneakers as well. Doctor visits, dentists - even routine checkups, sports, movies, bikes, presents, it goes on and on.

Be realistic in the time and money commitment that a child takes. Be ready to really understand that life really does change. There is no going back, no undo, no reset.

28

I … I’m being wooshed, right?

OK, fine. But my point was just that if a woman is using the Pill (correctly) and then the condom breaks, freaking out is not really called for. My other point was that condoms are not all that great, percentagewise, as some other forms of contraception, so if she’s not on the Pill, your one form of protection is not that foolproof. Just sayin’.

I got nothin’ here. No idea what her deal was.

“Force” ?!?

I … I’m being wooshed, right?

29

The Force is strong with this one.

Again, she wasn’t on the pill. I’m sorry for the confusion my original statement caused. If she had been on the pill I probably wouldn’t have freaked out.

It was just an amusing/frightening story that was somewhat relevant.

Nothing gets by this guy!

30

Thank you everyone for the replies so far. I have been a little busy ( don’t look at me like that :p) and will return to this thread with a more substantive post when I have some free time this week!

31

Maybe a little simple but my checklist went

A) In a stable long term relationship with someone who also wants a child

B) Have financial stability to afford the prospective child

I was 30 at the time. Daughter is now 3 1/2 years old.

Je ne regret rien

32

A few years back, I got pregnant with a guy I really shouldn’t have. Long story short, he went crazy, I miscarried. But ever since then I’ve still had this longing to be a mother. It’s like getting pregnant accidentally got my biological clock ticking and now it just keeps getting louder and louder.

My husband and I really want kids, but we’re having trouble getting pregnant. I hope it’ll happen.

33

Look around yourself carefully.

You need an environment that you would have benefited from as a child, things like a stable relationship with the other parent, a reasonable expectation of meals regularly, and a warm place to sleep, and your willingness to accept that after the imagined baby becomes a real kid, you don’t get to change your mind.

This person you are talking about should become the most important person in the entire world fairly shortly after you get yourself and spouse pregnant. They will, of course not solve any of your problems, or provide any resources in your life. The duty only goes in one direction, you are the volunteer here.

And don’t forget, or do realize, if you had not already, you just started the thing that will bring you both the greatest joys, and the most intense sorrows you have, or ever will have in your life. In the end, the thing you do in the world that will matter most, is teach another human being how to be a human being. That lasts.

Tris

34

I posted a similar OP last year, here: Doper Parents- When did you know you were ready for kids? - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board when I was contemplating starting a family.

There’s a lot of good advice.

35

I would again like to thank everyone for sharing their wisdom on this topic. The links were also very awesome to read through. It seems it could be awhile before I become a father. My latest girlfriend decided to come over and I couldn’t help notice she was being excessively mean to me for some reason. Turns out she actually still had cocaine in her nose. We haven’t spoke since then. I do miss her, (really sexy and fun!) but I can’t have that kind of drama in my life.

So it’s back to square one!