Being a short play that encompasses a rant regarding the world's dumbest pizza chain

The BBQ Pit
1

Over here slortar threw down the gauntlet. He said:

Rather than hijack his very nice “Favorite pizza toppings” thread, I reply here, in the form of a short play.

First, slortar, I reply: SECOND densest.

This is a dramitization of last Friday’s attempt to order a pizza (I didn’t have any frozen and didn’t have time to make one) from Papa Dumb’s: (slightly fictionalized and no pizzas were hurt in the creation of this play)

Me <to several friends>:…I’m hungry too. Let’s order a pizza. I got a coupon from Papa John’s. One large enough?

<general agreement>
<I dial>

Lackwit: Uhhhmm…Papa Jahns? Whaddaya need? Thanks for calling?

Me: Hi! I’ve got a coupon for a 2 topping large pizza, a 2 liter bottle of soda and breadsticks for $12.99.

Lackwit: Ummmm…what? Gimme your phone number. Please?

Me: 555-555-5555

Lackwit: Um. Hold please.

Me: Okay.

<3 minutes pass>

Lackwit: Uhhhmm…Papa Jahns. Whaddaya need? Thanks for calling?

Me: Hi. I was holding for you. I just gave you my phone number.

Lackwit: Um. Hold please?

<another 2 minutes pass>

Lackwit: Uhhhmm…Papa Jahns? Whaddaya need? Thanks for calling? (note that the Lackwit’s punctuation is correct. Most of his statements had a sort of whining questioooon? sound at the eeend?)

Me: <starting to get irritated> I’ve been holding for 5 minutes. I’d like to order my pizza.

**Lackwit: **Uhmhm. Ok. Whaddaya want?

Me: Pepperoni and Sauage pizza, and I’ll take Root Beer for my soda.

Lackwit: That’ll be $15.99. What size you want that pizza?

Me: Large. And I have a coupon that says I can get this for $12.99. With breadsticks. And how did you come up with that price if you didn’t know what sized pizza I wanted?

Lackwit: Yew want breadsticks?! <He’s amazed. In the entire history of the universe, apparently no human being has ever risked ordering breadsticks before> Wit’ breadsticks that’ll be $19.49.

Me: No. It won’t. First breadsticks are only a dollar extra. $15.99 plus $1.00 does not equal $19.49. Besides I’ve got a coupon for $12.99.

Lackwit: Can I have your phone number?

Me: Let’s resolve the price first. The order: a large 2 topping pizza (pepperoni and sauage), a 2 liter bottle of Root Beer and breadsticks for $12.99. Right?

Lackwit: That’ll be $17.63.

**Me:**Did you hear what I said? Are you making those numbers up?

Lackwit: Hold please.

<2 more minutes pass. I’m in that weird borderland between amused and pissed.>

Lackwit: Uhhhmm…Papa Jahns? Whaddaya need? Thanks for calling?

Me: Can I speak to your manager?

Lackwit: Phone number please?

Me: 555-555-5555. Now can I please speak to the manager?

Lackwit: Uhmmm. Yes? <I can hear him breathing so I know he hasn’t gone anywhere.>

Me: Don’t tell me that you’re the manager!

Lackwit: Ummmm? No?

Me: Then please put the phone down. Do not put me on hold. Find your manager. Ask him to come to the phone.

Lackwit: Ummmm. Yes?

Me: <frustration is beating amusement> Go! Get! Your! Manager!

Lackwit: Oh! Ok?

<two minutes pass>

Manager: <starts in mid-tirade>…I don’t know what you’re reading but we don’t have any specials for free pizza!

Me: Beg pardon?

Manager: We don’t have any specials for free pizza.

Me: I never said you did!

Manager: Well okay then. Tell ya what. I’ll let you in on a special we have going: $12.99’ll get you a large two-topping pizza, a 2 liter bottle of soda and breadsticks. Sound fair?

Me: Ok. I can settle for that.

Manager: Glad we could work it out. I’ll get someone to take your order.

Me:<thinks> “uh-oh”

Lackwit: Uhhhmm…Papa Jahns? Whaddaya need? Thanks for calling?

Me: I’ll have a large 2 topping pizza (pepperoni and sauage), a 2 liter bottle of Root Beer and breadsticks. I just spoke with your manager and it’ll be $12.99.

Lackwit: That’ll be $20.23.

Me: Aaarghh!

At that point, I hung up and made my own pizza.

I defy anyone to find dumber employees at a national pizza chain than Papa John’s has.

Fenris

2

Not only is that hilarious, if it’s true, it’s also scary!

And may I just add that you have the absolutely coolest phone number I’ve ever heard.

3

Thats funny.

I will say this though. I have had 2 problems with Dominos in the past. Both times I called and they asked me point blank “What can we do to make it better?” (They screwed up and gave that thin crispy shit crust that is like a cracker) I just said that I would like the proper pizza with the proper crust. The kid was back at my house in less that 1/2 an hour apologizing both times. He told me to keep the old pizza.

The Pizzas taste pretty decent too, another bonus.

Now Panagopolus… that place has gone to the dumps. Yech.

4

Fenris,

That would’ve been worth the trip down tot he pizza place to speak to the manager whilst you’re aiting for the franchise owner to arrive, of course.

On a related note: I’ve flat out refused since 1982 to patronize Dominoe’s Pizza since one of their lackwits asked me if I wanted cheese on my pizza.

5

Darn typos.

Please consider

to be

Thanks.

6

My last call to Papa John’s was to ask for a Quattro Frommagi pizza. The kid who picked up the phone was quite clearly confused and unfamiliar with the menu,so I explained. “A large pizza. Quattro Frommagi - it means with four cheeses.”

30 minutes later the delivery guy arrives. Carrying four large cheese pizzas. My bad, I’m sure.

7

Oh how I wish Domino’s did not piss me off so bad 2 years ago. I miss them (well, their pizza anyway).
We call and order a pizza. We are told 30 mins. We sit at the window watching for the pizza guy. about 50 mins later we see him pulling up to the apt. building. We walk to the door to meet him but he never shows. As we see him heading back to his car we start yelling “Hey! We think that’s our pizza!” Not rude, just trying to get his attention. He walks faster to get away from us.
He drives off. We call back and say “We just saw the driver attempt to deliver a pizza to our building and we think he had the wrong address because he left with the pizza and we haven’t gotten ours yet. Can you call him to double check?”
“No. He tried to deliver it but you weren’t home. We won’t come back out.”
“Can you read back the address to us?” It is correct. We ask to speak to the manager. We can hear the owner in the background. He recognizes our name b/c he worked with my husband a few years ago. We hear him say “Tell that son of a bitch that he knows how we do things around here. We ain’t going back out if they weren’t home.” Hubby says (very irritated) “You shouldn’t refer to customers like that. I don’t care if I did know you from another job. It’s still your job to make and deliver pizzas to the general paying public.” At this point the OWNER gets on the phone and tells us to “Fuck Off! You should know to be home when we try to deliver! Just go fuck yourselves!”
We replied “Fuck you too. Goodbye.” My husband really wanted to go up there, but I didn’t want to bail him out of jail.

8

So far each experience seems worth a carefully worded letter to the franchise.
They don’t make money if they don’t sell pizza and they don’t sell pizza if they piss their customers off.
Somewhere in the process you may also end up with some coupons and free pizzas!

9

hey fenris, you don’t live in Kansas City, do you?

you might have encountered the HORROR that is Ian Tuck.

he is what really turned me from papa John’s.

i won’t go into detail of what he has done, but i will tell you how he lost his job there, to give you an inkling.

be careful! it is horrible! you will be disgusted and vomit!
.
…
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I’m warning you!..
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Ok then…

this horror on earth lost his job because he was caught wacking off on one of the pizzas. and who knows how many pizzas he sent out with ‘special sauce’ on em… :eek:

uk. just thinking about it makes me sick. i am going to go lie down now.

10

Reminds me of a similar story with a particular Round Table Pizza in San Jose, California. A number of years ago a guy in the kitchen got caught urinating in the pizza sauce. Turned out he’d worked there a long time and’d been doing it for years. Eck.

11

And I heard Pizza Hut makes their pepperoni with radioactive meat :rolleyes:

12

LMFAO Okay, Fenris. You win.

However, I must add that the Domino’s in Portage, MI seems to hire from the bottom of the proverbial barrel and Papa John’s seems to have all the ninja employees. I am willing to admit this situation is reversed outside of the city limits. :slight_smile:

13

I ordered from Papa John’s often in college (Rochester, NY) and only rarely had a problem with them. So I am still a Papa John’s fan. There was one imbecile who kept waiting for me in the wrong dorm, though. I can’t really blame him - all the buildings look the same.

14

A-hem

well, I could go off on a tangent about the folks I’ve had to help find jobs and paint the picture of ‘well, they gotta eat, too, what job do ya think they’d be able to do’, but I won’t.

Or, I can chime in with my theory of dating: If you find that special some one, that one person in a billion that likes exactly the same pizza that you do, marry 'em on the spot. No questions. Same sex and you’re heterosexual? hey, no problem compared to the issues you face when you absolutely need to have onions and extra cheese on your thick crust pizza and chose to marry the idjit who prefers ancient cardboard crust with light cheese and extra pepperoni!

(my other theory of dating is that video rental places should offer a dating service combined - I’d have been able to discover that my ex liked the ‘Vern’ movies ::shudder:: )

but I won’t.
:smiley:

Instead, I’ll just sit over here and sigh heavily, since (sniff), I can’t ‘order’ pizzas anymore 'cause we’re out of any delivery area…

15

Ok, Fenris, you win.

The world has become too soft.

In the wilds of Borneo, people can rely on Large Hungry Animals and Bad Berry Choices to dispatch the local fukwits.

Hell, just a couple of generations ago farm machinery and factory floors served the same purpose here in the US of A.

Then came OSHA.

Now we have nothing to fulfil this evolutionary need.

I weep for us!

16

You’re wrong. We have MTV’s Jackass, these days.

17

I can’t believe no one has mentioned hte pizza/pot link! Tt is not all all uncommon for a particular pizza delivery joint to become positivly infested with stoners. Fenris, you wern’t talking to a lackwit, you weretalking to a guy totally stoned out of his mind. Everytime he put you on hold he was running back and taking another hit, probably with his manager, who was all of 18 months older than him and may well be his dealer. The idea of driving around all day for a living really appeals to a certain type of laid-back druggie–he can smoke, he can toke, he can listen to tunes, and his manager is totally ok with all of it.

Now, before I get flamed for saying this, not all, or even most, pizza places turn into these stoner heavens. In fact, they tend to crash and burn if this goes on too long or if it reaches the point where no one is sober. But it does happen, and can be fairly amusing.

18

Years ago, when I was an exchange student in England, we would order pizza from Domino’s because we didn’t have a car. One time, we ordered our pizza and then waited an hour before calling to find out what had become of it. They apologized, and said they’d dispatch another - they didn’t know what had become of their driver, and they were quite surprised we hadn’t received our pizza. So we wait another 45 minutes, STILL no pizza. So we call again (mind you - we didn’t have a phone in our house - we had to go to the pay phone down the street.) The manager apologized, said that their second driver was out delivering and that our original driver still had not returned. He said he’d bring it out personally with some Cokes and coupons for two free pizzas, and wouldn’t charge us for the one he was bringing. Fine. Fifteen minutes later, Driver #1 appears with the original pizza (cold by now), which he didn’t charge us for for obvious reasons. Ten minutes after that, the Manager arrives with Pizza #2, two coupons for free pizza, several cans of Coke, and didn’t charge us. So we got four free pizzas and a number of Cokes, and all they cost us was two hours of rumbling tummies. However, being starving students, free was good.

19

But can you blame the pizza places for treating the public like idiots when they can get away with stuff like the “twisted crust pizza”? That’s a work of marketing genius, I tell ya: getting people to pay MORE for a pizza that’s mostly bread.

20

Manda JO,

Actually, my boyfriend once called a pizza place to order, and, as a joke, asked for some pot along with it.

The girl went to go check with her manager, then returned to tell him, no, they could not give him pot. What a pity. It’s a wacky world!