Being a short play that encompasses a rant regarding the world's dumbest pizza chain

The BBQ Pit
21

I think Fenris’s guy now works at my local McDonald’s.

For your enjoyment, tonight’s entertainment from the Kinsey Players:

Scene: The local McD’s drive thru.
The Players: Kinsey, three hungry kids and one idiot manning the drive-thu.

Idiot: Welcome to McDonald’s, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like a four-piece nugget Happy Meal, with a root beer…
Idiot: You want the four or six piece?
Me: Four.
Idiot: What kinda drink do ya want?
Me: Root beer. I also want…
Idiot: Is that all?
Me: No, I also want a hamburger Happy Meal and a cheeseburger Happy Meal, both with Sprite.
Idiot: Two cheeseburger Happy Meals, okay, what kinda drinks with them?
Me: No, it’s ONE cheeseburger Happy Meal, and ONE hamburger Happy Meal, BOTH with SPRITE.
Idiot: You want sauce with them nuggets?
Me: Yes, barbeque, please.
Idiot: Okay, is that all?
Me: No, I also want a Chicken Ceasar Salad Shaker {don’t laugh, they’re surprisingly good}
Idiot: You want Ceaser dressing with that?
Me: Uh, yes, please.
Idiot: Okay, (He repeats the order, incredibly getting it right) Drive around, please.
At the window:
Idiot: What kinda toys you want, boy or girl?
Me: One boy and two girls (ignoring the obvious joke…the toys are actually children?).
Idiot: You want sauce with them nuggets?
Me: Yes, barbeque.
Idiot: What kinda dressing you want with your salad shaker?
Me: Ceaser.
Idiot: What were your drinks again?
Me: One root beer and two Sprites.
(Under breath): Freakin’ idiot.
Idiot: ‘Scuse me?
Me: Nothing.
The transaction is completed and Kinsey drives home with the starving children, and the toys…two boys and one girl.
Freakin’ idiot.

Thank You!

22

Well, since we’re putting on our own little skits …

This isn’t comedia del idiocy as much as it is a bad language deal. But I have to say, not to sound elitist, but if I’m managing Burger King, I put somebody on the register who can speak English, providing said Burger King is in the United States, which this one was … but I digress.

Keep in mind that everything this poor woman said was directly into the microphone, resonating througout the place …

Poor Non-English Speaking Woman Behind The Register: Hep Yoo, Sa?
Me: Yes, hi, I’d like a double cheesburger, with no pickles.
Poor Woman: Dob Chee Bog.
Me: Yes, with no pickles.
Poor Woman: No Pick.
Me: I’d also like a regular cheeseburger with no pickles.
Poor Woman: No Dob Chee Bog, Reg Chee Bog.
Me: No, no, I still want the double cheeseburger, but I’d like a regular cheeseburger too.
Poor Woman: Dob Chee Bog.
Me: Yes, and a regular cheesburger, both with no pickles.
Poor Woman (looking absolutely bewildered): No Dob Chee Bog. Reg Chee Bog.
Me: No, no. {deep breath}. Tell you what, I’d like a cheesburger.
Poor Woman: Chee Bog.
Me: Aaaand, I’d like a double cheeseburger, I’ll just pick the pickles off myself.
Poor Woman: No Chee Bog. Dob Chee Bog. No Pick.
Me: {grinding my teeth} And a regular cheeseburger.
Poor Woman: {after a beat} No Dob Chee Bog. Reg Chee Bog, No Pick.
Me: Forget it, I’ll have a Whopper.
Poor Woman: Woppa, no pick.

Thank you. Please remember to tip your waiters and waitresses.

23

“If you find that special some one, that one person in a billion that likes exactly the same pizza that you do, marry 'em on the spot.”

Lola and I are both huge fans of the Tai chicken pizza made by the Boston Pizza chain here in Candada. It has no cheese but is topped with a spicy peanut sauce, sprouts, and shredded carrots. We both agreed that we should expand our pizza experience and try a smoked salmon pizza the next time we go out.

Is she perfect or what? I am definately going to have to keep her.

24

absolutely! (the only exception to the pizza rule is “dogs will eat any pizza any time, so you shouldn’t feel obligated to marry your doberman”

25

My God, man, that’s not pizza, that’s compost. Are you insane, or what?

Ah. I see. Never mind. Carry on! :slight_smile:

26

This I just can’t understand. Depending on the area you live in, the dude’s only making three or four bucks an hour-- most of the time, less than minimum wage. He LIVES off of the tips and the 6 to 8 percent commission he makes off of every 'za he delivers. By not delivering to you, he actually LOST money.

27

Since we’re adding personal stories:

I haven’t been back to dominoes since someone there explained to me that it is $1 cheaper to buy 2 pizzas at full price then to use a ‘buy one get the next free’ coupon they had in the paper. I asked for a manager and he confirmed. You see, they have two prices, a regular price and a coupon price. The coupon price is slighter higher than double the regular price. Yea, I know, it was probably just one stupid Dominoes and I shouldn’t blame the whole chain but there are so many other pizza places and if I want it delivered, I have to use that one.

28

Ahh yess Feynn. I mentioned that pizza as my favorite under the pizza topping thread in IMHO the other day. My wife and I both love that disk. Damn its good.

Although I will admit, at first I always got them to “hold the carrots” as I thought that was a little odd on a pizza (like bean sprouts are perfectly normal). The past few times I have had the carrots on it and you can’t even taste them. That pizza is to die for. Its awsome! If nobody has had it yet and has the opportunity to, I highly recomend it.

29

This kind of stuff is more common than you might think, you want a real bitching point, at the pizza place I worked the amount of toppings varies from the single to the multiple topping pizzas. If you order a large one topping pizza you get 4 ounces of topping if you order 2 different toppings you get 3.5 ounces of each. You ask what if I order double of the same topping, yup, 7 ounces not 8.

30

Doesn’t anybody order from the neighborhood pizza guy anymore?

31

I prefer Tombstone, myself.

32

Drach, I suspected as much. I also suspect that extra cheese - isn’t. True?

33

I didn’t get lunch yeasterday, so I had to grab a sub at the place across the back alley, I generally avoid eating there just because their subs aren’t that great. I had a BLT sub for lunch, the person making it turned to her manager and asked what was in a BLT sub, he turned to her and slowly said… bacon…lettuce…and…tomato. When she was making it she asked me if I wanted lettuce and tomato on it…you know God has it in for you when a simple sandwich request turns into an ordeal.

34

Odieman, I have a similar problem, with the same results. I hate tomatos, and think lettuce belongs only in salads, although recently I have come to accept mayo on my sandwiches. My sandwich orders are very simple–bread, meat, cheese, mayo. Sometimes no cheese. Knowing that I am ordering an odd, though very simple sandwich, I take great care to clearly state what I want. On french bread, turkey, gouda and mayo only, nothing else, please.(I’m very conscientious about please and thank you at resturants, Gods know it’s not a job I’d want, and I’m glad someone’s willing to do it!) Anyway, with this simple, clear order, you’s think I’d have few problems. Nope. Almost every time this happens:

You want mustard?

No, just mayo, turkey and gouda.

Lettuce?

No, just meat and cheese.

Mayo?

Yes, I said I wanted mayo.

Sprouts?

Nothing, just the turkey and gouda.

Okay, you can go down there and pay, I’ll have it in a minute

Guess what I get? I get mustard, I get swiss cheese, I get pickles, or I get turkey, no gouda, or no mayo. If I don’t stay and watch, I have no idea what I’m going to end up eating! If I’m in a sit down resturant, I make the waitress/waiter repeat the order, and half the time I still end up picking or scraping something off. How hard is it to remember to leave something off a sandwich? Especially when you’ve just been told exactly what to put on it! Sometimes I just want to ask if I can come behind the ocunter and make it myself! And don’t even get me started about “here” or “to go”.

35

ocunter=counter. 'Nuf said.

36

When I lived in MA, we were a mile from the Papa Ginos, I know, because I clocked it the day I had to walk home for a spare set of keys when I locked mine in the car while parked at the same plaza. Anyway, we ordered a couple of pizzas. About an hour goes by, so we call up and ask what the problem is. They couldn’t find the house. They try again. Bring the wrong pizzas! On the third try we get the right pizzas, and got to keep the wrong ones too.

Papa John’s on the other hand, I think is waging a secret war on people who have the same unusual alergy that I do- basil. It’s by no means a life-threatening alergy, but the itchy rash is no fun. I don’t usually eat pizza unless it’s white (sauceless) but I was at a meeting, and didn’t bring a lunch since they provide it. I would have if I’d know they were ordering pizza, though. So, I’m starving, and I decide that it couldn’t hurt to eat one piece if I scrape most of the sauce off. It’s never been too bad when I’ve done that before, right? I’m guessing their pizza sauce has about twice the basil that everyone else’s does, given the reaction. Immediately after I eat the pizza the itching starts. My hand and part of my palm, where I must have touched some sauce while scraping it off, is red and itching like crazy. So is my mouth and tongue, which have never itched before. The meeting was all day, so I had to sit there for another 4 hours, trying not to scratch my hand, and ignore the intense itchness. As soon as I got home I took three benadryl, which knocked me out and slept for 12 hours. What a waste of a friday. I haven’t eaten any pizza that wasn’t homemade since.

37

Drive Through-Ditz: Hell, welcome to McDonald’s may I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like a 20 piece chicken nugget, and a large Dr. Pepper.

DTD: Ok, that’s a 9 piece nugget, and what to drink?

Me: No, no, I want a 20 piece nugget. And a Dr. Pepper.

DTD: <silence> Allright, 4 20 piece chicken nuggets, and a Dr. Pepper. Is that all?

Me:: Lord, no! I just want one!

DTD: You want ONE nugget?

Me: Jesus, I want 20 chicken nuggets! And a Dr. Pepper!

DTD: <silence> Ok, a 20 piece chicken nugget, and a Dr. Pepper?

Me: Yes!

DTD: Ok, please drive up for your total.

38

I am proud to announce that our family’s usual pizza place, Ameci’s, has never messed up our order, nor has it ever given us exceptional grief when ordering pizza from them. In fact, they’ve begun to recognize our family members on sight…

But with drive-thru’s… I’ve learned which ones to pick and choose. Carl’s Jr. is usually good (down on Platt and Victory, for those of you in the San Fernando Valley), but the McDonald’s and/or Taco Bell in the same area is horrible. The Jack-in-the-Box on Victory and the JITB on Vanowen are also pretty good with orders (don’t give me grief about Jack… their Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburgers are GREAT).

Of course, the all-time-best is In’n’Out up on Ventura… the best fast-food chain in California, AND they’re good with the customers, t’boot.

39

I offer the following transcript of my last attempt to order pizza:

Pizza Moron [apparently a native English speaker, but of a dialect unfamiliar to me]: Thayoufacalln, ho’hehoo?
Me [knowing what that was supposed to be, no matter what it sounded like]: I’d like to place an order for delivery, please.
PM: Pho’ numm’r?
Me: 012-345-6789
PM: Adds?
Me: [provides address]
PM [developing startlingly clear annunciation]: We don’t deliver there.
Me: Well, you did two weeks ago.
PM: We never have.
Me: I called this number two weeks ago. Has it changed?
PM: No.
Me: You delivered to my address then. In fact, you’ve delivered to this address for the past two years.
PM: Have you moved?
Me: Not in the past two years, no.
PM [reverts to former dialect]: Lem’ta’manger.
[pause]
PM: Thayoufacalln, ho’hehoo?
Me: It’s me. You were going to talk to your manager. About delivering to my address, where you always have in the past.
PM: Oh. Ma’I’ta’orps?
Me: We’d like a large, thick-crust pizza with mushrooms, green peppers, and olives.
PM: What size?
Me: Large.
PM: Crust?
Me: Thick.
PM: Um. 45 mins. Tha’for’calln…
Me [hastily, doubting seriously that this guy remembers my address]: Do you know where to deliver it?
PM [annunciation clears again]: You’re picking it up, right?
Me: No. It’s delivery.
PM: Can I have your phone number?
[phone number and address are issued]
PM: We don’t deliver to your area.

We’ll draw a veil over the rest of this painful scene, except to say I was totally scarred by the experience and haven’t been able to face ordering a pizza in months. Which means we don’t have pizza (of the standard delivery kind - California pizza is another issue altogether) at all in this household anymore, since my Loved One was herself scarred by an experience while she was an undergraduate, and no longers orders any food by phone anymore.

I won’t even talk about the time they put a woman who clearly had never even attempted to speak English on the phones at the same pizza place - or the drunken delivery guy from the Thai place we used to use (but don’t anymore after the 1 hr, 45 min fiasco that was our first experience with Mr. Drunkie).

40

Now you tell me this…