My significant partner has another significant partner, even though he basically ghosted her because she came out as poly. That may have been his attitude but it wasn’t hers. She kept on reaching out when she could. And now he is in dire need of medical attention and because we don’t have a freaking health system, we have a health nonsystem, she is stepping into the void. Coordinating stuff.
She’s really good at it but it is exhausting her. I can help some but it’s limited because he basically sees me as the person who stole his wife, and it’s totally unfair to him to posit it as “AHunter3 is gonna be the person spending the night in case you need emergency care”, whether you like him or not. So I’m trying to be supportive behind the scenes. allthegood says I’m being a supportive partner and she’s really respectul for what I’m able to do, but it isnt’ enough to fill the vacuum between what she’s realistically able to do and what needs to be done.
I don’t know how to help, and I’m worried about the wear and tear on allthegood. She herself isn’t in ideal condition, I’ve been worried about her endurance and mobility. Paradoxically, this crisis has pushed her to her limits, which is both good and not good. She’s sharper, and is doing better physically, within the limits of beling sleep-deprived and stressed about havint to manage her husband’s health care needs when there doesn’t appear to be anyone in charge of managing them overall except for her.
On my own homefront meanwhile, I’m trying to query a lit agent, somewhere, into representing my latest book. It’s a process I’ve often described as being as pleasant as cleaning all the LIRR waiting area toilets by licking them clean with my tongue. I detest trying to market myself. The process is demeaning and is smashing my self-esteem. I knew that going in, but it still sucks.
I have litte to complain about overall as a 66+ year mostly privileged white English-speaking citizen in America. And yet I’m in a complainy mode at the moment. This is messy and complicated and I wish I was better at this.
Perfectly reasonable complaints all of them. Sorry you and the major people in your life are going through a rough patch.
My micro-version of the same thing is that current GF is super busy w her BFFs, adult kids, and aged parents over the holidays, so I won’t see her again until shortly before New Years. So much for my festive season. Sigh.
Meanwhile auxiliary backup (read “immediately prior”) GF who’s still a good friend is dealing with her aged mother dying in slow motion. Where GF can’t work her job because hospital care coordinator & home caregiver are themselves far more than a full time job and there’s no-one else to care for/about Mom. This month her paid, and then not long after her unpaid, leave with her employer will come to an end and she’ll either return to work or become unemployed. Meanwhile Mom’s schedule for dying might be days or months. So sad. There’s only so much I can do compared to the enormousness of what’s needed here.
Ugh, that’s a lot to complain about. Sure, there are people who are even worse off, but that’s a difficult situation to be in. Best wishes.
Would a therapist be able to help you juggle, at least the emotional stress? I feel like there’s a lot to unpack there.
I’d been wondering from your previous posts if you might be poly, and if not, if it’s something you might want to consider. I have friends who have juggled (and are juggling) minor children with a poly lifestyle, but i think it must be easier in your demographic.
I sympathize with the issues around Mom slowly dying, as that was something i worried about with my own mom. And you feel really shitty worrying about it, and my boss was great. (And my mom ended up dying quickly enough that i barely dipped into unpaid leave.) I was working part time, and didn’t completely stop working, i just took a ton of extra time off. Honestly, i think the time away from “tending mom” was really good for my mental health. But i had three siblings, a paid aid, and a network of hospice workers to help out. That might not be feasible for your backup GF.
I don’t know. I’m a psychiatric survivor and I have such a deep-rooted distrust of any flavor of therapist that might fleetingly consider contacting psychiatric services that it would be difficult to establish a good therapy relationship. I do better speaking on a mutual basis with other folks going through complex stuff.
I have no practical suggestions, only a lot of sympathy. This society as a whole doesn’t deal well with support systems; and what systems there are seem to need a support system to negotiate.
That makes sense. I found the social worker the most helpful “therapist" for me when i was coping with my mom, but it’s not clear one would have a role in you situation anyway.