Menal illness affecting a loved one

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Sorry if this isn’t really GQ material, but I really need some help here and feel that to post this under the heading mundane trivialises it.

My girlfriend has had major problems with her mental health for about the last 3 years.

It began before I met her after a particular trauma in her life, the details of which I do not feel comfortable divulging without her express conscent.

She has been diagnosed as suffering from “psychotic episodes and depression” and prescribed antidepresants and antipsychotic meds the names/doses of which I cannot recall at this time.

She is a very inteligent woman, currently working as a trainee soliciter. She has always driven herself very hard and achievement is of paramount importance to her.

Over the last 2 weeks her mental state has taken a severe turn for the worse. The trigger for this seems to have been Mothers day. This is upsetting for her as she is mixed race Brazillian/Scottish and was seperated from her mother as a baby when her father returned to Scotland.

I don’t know a damn thing about psychology but the lack of her natural mother, coupled with resentment towards her stepmother seems to be a major issue for her.

Tonight has been particularly bad for her. She has repeatedly stated that she wants to die. She feels devoid of hope for the future, her achievement trip means that she feels she is a failure in her work where she is not performing to her potential due to her illness.

Horribly she also feels she is failing me in our relationship because her meds make her tired and she often has to goto sleep very early and has little energy whereas I have problems sleeping and often stay up till very late and like to go out often.

Let me make this clear right now. I love her very much, and while I would prefer she did not have this burden to carry I want to help her shoulder it.

She has had very shoddy treatment from those who should be assisting her. I called a bunch of hotline type services for her tonight and intend to make goddamn sure she is seen by someone who can help tommorow (It’s 12:15 am here right now so most of the numbers I called either rang out or were answered by machines)

I just feel useless. I wish I could say some magic words to make her pain go away, she says that being with me helps but she seems so inconsoleable it actually brought me to literal tears tonight.

I guess my General Question is how can I help her?

If any of you have experience of these problems either as the person experiencing the illness or trying to support one who is please reply.

I could really do with a little help right now and hope I may find it here.

milo

2

Sweetie, you are a good person. It sounds like you are already doing what any caring, loving person should be doing. If her meds and therapy are not working, insist that she change doctors until she finds the right combination. Stick by her, even when she doesn’t want you around, stay close by. Depression is an evil, evil thing. It lies and makes you feel worthless. Be understanding, hold her if she will let you. Learn all you can about her illness so that you will better understand a little of what she is going through.

Has she looked for her biological mother? Do you think that would help at all, or am I not reading that part correctly?

Best wishes for you both.

3

Thank you Lyllyan.

I feel guilty because I can’t fix what’s wrong with her. I am frustrated by and angry at myself because of how little I can help her.

I can’t talk to my physical world friends about this without betraying her trust but I really need to talk about it.

I will be putting a major rocket up the ass of the clinic which has (I discovered tonight) been failing her tommorow

She has not made any serious attempt to contact her natal mother because she does not know where to even begin finding her. I have some details on her mother and if anyone can offer sugestions on how to trace her I would be very interested to hear them.

milo

4

God bless and godspeed. You’re in my prayers.

5

I am a former mental health counselor. I also have a sister who has had chronic mental health problems for the past 30 years. You are a mensh for helping your girlfriend so much and I am sure that with the right medication and love she will recover.

A support network of skilled professionals and her friends would help her and relieve the burden you must feel. I would recommend speaking with your own personal physician about referrals to good therapists for her. In metro areas there are also referral screening services which attempt to make a beneficial client/therapist match. It may take 2-3 therapist tryouts to find the right one. If she is religious, a clergyman may also be quite helpful.

Make sure that the therapists establish tangible treatment goals with your friend and legit re-evaluation of the clinical relationship if the goal is not reached. Is her health insurance paying? Much therapy these days combines short-term counseling with the right drug(s). The latter may take a few trials as well.

Do realize that her problems may come and go like a long wave for the next 20-plus years. That may very well color the quality of your relationship over the short and long term. Something to think about–and maybe talk to your own counselor about too.

6

I’ll move this thread to MPSIMS and close the accidental duplicate thread.

bibliophage
moderator GQ

7

Milo –

My SO has had very similar mental health problems. The biggest mistake that I/we made early in the process was to believe that it was a psychology issue (also related to her mother). It’s a chemical imbalance and it took years – nay decades – to get it in some manageable situation. That said, some psychological treatment may still be necessary to work through the life issues.

In our case, the SO disappeared entirely one time when our daughter was about 3. Luckily the police found her confused about 24 hours later. Everything was stable for about 7 years, when it reoccurred in several messy incidents.

Geoduck is entirely right: it’s a medication issue. What works for one person may not work for another. We’ve had doctors insist that she be removed from lithium and put on other drugs and had to refuse firmly because of instability or physical impairment that resulted from the newer selections.

One thing to watch for in manic/depressive people is their sleep patterns. In our case, disrupted sleep over 3-4 days progressively degrades her rationality. A prescription that can induce sleep may be the biggest single way to return things to something resembling normality.

Research and reading may help you somewhat to understand how experimental the work with brain chemistry is. Stevie Nix (of Fleetwood Mac) has had similar manic/depressive problems and after years decided to abandon a drug that works well for my wife because she felt that it stifled her creative abilities. Perhaps Geoduck or others can suggest some reading.

Best regards,

Mooney252

8

I tried to post this last night but my DSL went down . Grrr !

Here is my sister’s favorite message board for bipolars. This place has helped her immensely. She can post or chat with others who are struggling with the same things that she is. I recommend it highly.

9

A bits of advice from someone with no psych training, but a family full of depression and an entertaining sampler of other mental illnesses as well. I haven’t, on the whole, done a very good job of most of this myself, unfortunately, but if I’d learned some of this earlier, I might have done a bit better. Or maybe not.

The first is the hardest. Your first impulse is going to be to tiptoe around her, be extra careful with everything you say, avoid any kind of conflict, pacify her when you think she’s upset, and generally treat her like a crazy person. Don’t. This will just make it worse. You’ll be proving to her that she is helpless and stupid, and one of the most terrifying parts of mental problems is knowing that you’re hurting the people you care about.

You are GOING to get upset with her. That happens in even the most tranquil relationships. A certain amount of repressed anger and passive-aggressiveness is present in most ‘normal’ relationships, but depression is going to fix on that and see it as the whole. Be as patient as you can, but let her know when she’s making you seriously angry or upset, though it might be better to cool down a bit first.

It’s tough, but treat her like an equal both when you want to shake her and yell at her not to be so crazy, AND when you want to just hug her and make it all better.

Second, which has already been touched on, is that depression looks for excuses for itself. Relatively small or long past personal failures, slights or insults, or just fears and worries can become vast tragedies or horrors. Don’t let yourself get caught up in trying to solve every little problem in life. That doesn’t mean be inconsiderate, of course, but keep a sense of proportion, and try to help her do so. Not by trivializing her emotions, but by reminding her that while her emotions are real, what’s causing them might not be.

Yes, this is a tough balancing act with number one. I didn’t say this was going to be easy.

Third, don’t let her cut herself off from people, including you. Keeping busy, or at least occupied, won’t cure depression, but it can blunt the symptoms. And sitting alone and watching daytime TV or playing endless games of video mah-jongg is almost guaranteed to make it worse. Feeling you can’t take care of yourself is pretty horrifying, so don’t let her push all the housework on you. :slight_smile:

Be affectionate, and that includes physically. Even if she’s not interested in follow-through, if you don’t bring it up periodically, she’ll feel unattractive and unwanted.

Try not to leave her alone during rough times. As Lyllyan said, if she doesn’t want you around, stay nearby if you can, and if you can’t, be reachable. Do what you can to keep her friends available, as well, but it probably won’t be much. You don’t want her to feel that you’re leaving her with a babysitter, and you don’t want her to feel that there’s a party going around her that she’s excluded herself from.

Number four is going to sound awful, but it’s important. You can’t fix everything, and this is not, strictly speaking, your responsibility. If you CAN’T keep loving her through this, you can’t stay with her, at least not as her boyfriend. Staying with her out of duty is going to turn into contempt. That’s not your fault, but it is a very real possibility. Don’t just walk off and abandon her, of course, but if it’s not going to work out, don’t try to force it.

This is almost certainly not going to get fixed quickly. Don’t make any permanent commitments until you’re sure you can deal with this for a period of YEARS. You don’t have to be her boyfriend or lover to care about her or try to help her, and NOT being them might stop you from hating her if things get bad.

–
‘If my deepest, darkest despair had choreography, this would be it.’

10

I’m bipolar myself, and I can tell you it can be a struggle to find the med cocktail that works for you. You have to deal with an onslaught of side effects like extreme fatigue, disorientation, aches and pains, and a plethora of other funsies until you hit on the right combo.

But when you do find it it’s like a whole new world, and so worth all the crap you’ve put up with to get there. I can’t even believe I’m the same person I was a year ago. This is a very, very good thing.

Strongly agree on the sleep thing. I make a concerted effort to stay on a schedule. It’s made a big difference in controlling my symptoms. Getting regular exercise and trying to eat right (I lapse here because my meds kill my appetite) also help alot. In other words…take care of yourself.

She’s so lucky to have someone as supportive and loving as you in her life. It makes all the difference in the world when you are trying to find your way out of the darkness.

It helps to interact with other manic-depressives. I attend group therapy once a week, and it’s comforting to be among people that know exactly where you’re coming from.

Best of luck. I’ll be thinking of you both.

11

Hmmm. Witch has excellent advice. I hope she didn’t have to figure that out on her own. You cannot overestimate the power of a reliable schedule, good diet, and if at all possible, exercise.

But what about you? Dealing with any kind of illness or addiction is very stressful. Have you thought about a support group? Or a least a few meetings with the girlfriend’s therapist or doctor?

12

Thanks for the support folks.

Today she was able to talk to a doc she had previously visited, but whose practice she can no longer use as her new flat is outwith the catchment area. He was very understanding and has told her that he will still offer support in an unofficial way.

We live in the UK and her treatment will be paid for by the NHS so we don’t have to worry about finding money for medical bills

She has been told to increase the doseage of one her her meds and says she’ll stop skipping them as she has been doing. More than she admits I suspect.

The red tape around getting her help is infuriating. To see specialists she first has to be refered by her GP, who is closed over the weekend. She has an appointment on Tuesday though, so hopefully she’ll be able to visit the shrinks before the end of the week.

I’m happy to say she does feel much better today. Much more optomistic about the future and her chances of recovery.

As j.c suggests I think I will try to attend some of her sessions with her to see exactly what takes place.

Don’t have much time right now but I’ll check the thread again later.

Again, thanks all. I was pretty upset myself last night but this has really helped.

milo

13

j.c is right. You need to to care of yourself too. I was amiss in leaving your needs out of the picture here.

Luckily I have a doc I really trust and like jc. But I also got alot of great tips off the net.

VERY IMPORTANT : encourage her to take her meds exactly as prescribed. If you take them, and then start taking them sporadically or stop all together(unless under the guidance of your doc naturally), it can actually make your symptoms worse than ever. I believe it’s called the kindling effect. Let me tell ya, I’d rather take the 10 seconds out of my day to take my meds morning and night than to feel like I did before or, God forbid, worse.

I’m so glad you’re both feeling better today.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There really is.

14

Milo: 13 years ago, I was diagnosed with a form of Major Depression. I had a good experience with something called a clubhouse model program, if not for that program I would probably be in an institution somewhere. The very first clubhouse program was Fountain House in New York City, it was created in 1948 by a group of mental patients who wanted something better than the institutions. Each subsequent clubhouse was modelled after Fountain House, there are now hundreds of them worldwide. Here’s a list of a few clubhouse websites and here’s a list of some email addresses. You should be able to find one in the UK near her, I’m pretty sure they would provide better service.

15

Since she has spoken of not wanting to go on living, be close by – especially until she can get professional help. Although alternatives to institutionalized treatment may be right for some, I have found that the hospitals that have helped me have been wonderful. I have felt safe there.

It would probably be a good idea for you to be in charge of her meds for a while at least. That way you can be sure that she is taking them regularly.

My husband was very frustrated when he didn’t know what to do to help. Then he learned to ask. Sometimes I just needed to be held. At other times I needed him to talk to me until I could get some sleep. He read aloud to me and got me cold cloths for my face. Exercise and fresh air help. Take her for walks. Brush her hair.

Above all, turn loose of your guilt. It will not serve you and may actually make things worse. Make a list of what you can do and refuse to dwell on those things over which you have no control.

And do please find time to allow yourself to replenish your own heart.

16

Ura-Maru, this is some of the best advice I’ve ever read. I just quoted part of it, but ALL of it is spot-on, at least for me. I’ve had problems with depression on and off over the years, and I wish I could have given this info to people that had to live with me.

To the OP: good luck and best wishes! Medications can do a world of good.

Take care–