Yesterday, she gets word that her grandmother’s cancer is moving faster than expected, and if she wants to visit, she had better do it within the month (she does).
Today her mother’s boyfriend of at least three years just suffered a fatal cardiac arrest. I never met him but he sounds like a decent guy, helped my GF out buying her first car, for example. I have no idea if her mother works.
I can’t stand just sitting around trying to pretend this is a normal Saturday when she’s going through all this. I offered to come see them at the hospital, but she told me she would call me tonight and talk.
Any suggestions on what I could do to help? I’m sure there isn’t anything, I’m just desperate to reach out to her somehow.
I’m sorry to hear about her losses.
I’d just ask her if there is anything you can do to be helpful. She may need for you to be a sounding board while she vents or cries. But she herself may want to act like it’s a normal Saturday. The evening after my mother died (after a very long, very sad battle with cancer) my boyfriend, my brother and I rented a funny video game. I had spent much of the day crying and having something to laugh about was a relief. There are times when it is appropriate and necessary to take a break from the sadness.
I lean toward doing the little practical day to day things that aren’t a big deal to you, but tend to seem like an onerous task to someone who is exhausted and stressed and hurting. Making sure there’s dinner on the table instead of waiting for someone to notice they’re hungry enough to make a sandwich is kind of a big one, because the more upset people are, the less attention they tend to pay to such things. Doing laundry, washing dishes. Making sure people have cups of water and tissues at the visitation. That sort of thing. It’s not sexy. It won’t make anyone gasp, “My God, what an amazingly supportive boyfriend!” But it truly seems to make a shitty time some tiny fraction easier.
Those are both good suggestions. We work at the same place, too, so I’m just gonna let her know I’ll be there for her no matter what. We don’t live together, btu I get what you’re saying about just making things easier.
From my experience, it seems the most you can do is just be there for them. My boyfriend recently went through his father’s illness and death. His family is in Ireland and we live in Korea, so he had to go over to Ireland several times over the course of the winter, for weeks at a time. Being apart for so long was just an added hardship. It was really frustrating for me because there wasn’t really anything I could do from the other side of the world, except to let him know it was okay to cry on my shoulder. As the oldest son he felt like he had to constantly be strong for the rest of his family, but I let him know that he could be honest with me, and I would still love him no matter what. I think that was also an important part of it too - letting him know that he could depend on our relationship not to be affected by it all, even if sometimes he was emotional and angry.
Gently ask what you can do and listen to her answer. And then do it. Even if it means nothing more than being an ear to listen to her ramble about whatever she feels like rambling about. Let her steer the conversation and take the lead in whatever she may need. Don’t push, don’t try too hard, don’t make it about YOU being the knight in shining armor. I don’t mean to imply that’s your intention, but there are people who have a tendency to make themselves the star of any drama so just in case you happen to have that inclination, don’t. Listen to her, observe her actions and take it from there. Everyone grieves differently and the same people grieve differently in different situations and no one knows how they’re going to feel. Just let her be your guide and respond to her. Just “be there” for whatever she needs and don’t bring your own needs into it, as madmonk said.
Very good advice. Of course, I have a tendency to overtthink things and my third thought after she’d told me the news was "Do they live with him? Do they have need financial help? I’m also (selfishly, I guess) sad that I won’t get to meet him or see how her mother was before this happened.
Normally I enjoy rainy days…
And thank you Autolycus. It just tore my heart out hearing her cry on the phone, and also, weirdly, warmed it to know that she wanted to keep me informed.
Be there for her. If she isn’t up to talking, don’t force her. If she is, listen to everything attentively. Nod, agree, smile, laugh, hold her hand when she’s crying, etc. Pay attention. That makes the difference between, “he was really there for me” and “damn asshole was probably thinking about boobies the whole time!”
You’ve already had some great advice here. One thing I’d add is to show an interest in these people that have departed. If she’s in the mood, get her to talk about them, what her memories of them are, what funny stories she has to tell, etc. Sometimes when we are really caught up in grief it can help to talk about the person we knew.
OP: There’s not a lot you can do for her apart from be yourself. You’ve been given some good ideas on how to be thoughtful–go with them, and remember it’s not your responsibility to make all the hurt go away. Just cover her back while she gets herself through all this.
Lots of great advice here. I’d add only one thing: Be absolutely unwavering in your love for her. Be absolutely rock solid in it. She’s like a boat being tossed around on waves right now, so she needs you as an anchor.
Just be there for her. That was all I asked from my SO at my mother’s wake/cremation, when all of my family was giving me and him the hairy eyeball - I swear you would have thought I had brought the boyfriend of the week. Just hang in there while she gets through the day and then be there for her when she is alone…that was the only time I could really let it hit me.
