On Wednesday morning a good friend of mine, Vic, never woke up(massive heart failure).
On Thursday another good friend, Lorne, found out that he had metastatic cancer and was put on chemo immediately.
I’m both very tense and very tired from all the grief and worry. I can’t take any time off from work, and I really can’t hide from the aftermath of these situations without looking selfish and uncaring. In fact, I’m unsure if I have any right to complain at all, considering what happened/is happening to my friends.
I’m very sorry for the stress and grief you’re undergoing, Czarcasm.
Big internet hug.
Take lots of walks, even if you can’t get off work. The gentle physical activity really helps the brain process emotions.
I send my sympathies, for whatever worth they may be to you. I encourage you to shut yourself off and do something that feels incredibly selfish, to heal yourself a little. I know if feels like you can’t, but you need it, and it will help everyone. Go watch a movie, drive the coast, shut yourself in a room, take a nap, go to dinner with friends, read a book, or disconnect however you need to.
(Speaks from experience - mother of disabled child, disabled person, owner of life with its share of ill and ailing parents, disasters, etc, etc.)
{{{Hugs}}} and my condolences.
Big hug.
You have every right to feel like you do. Be sure to take care of yourself.
I may have a “right” to feel like I do, but the needs of others at this particular instant make me feel that I should suppress that right until later. What do I tell Lorne and/or Vic’s mother-that I’d like to come over, but I need “me” time right now?
Sometimes, providing for others is excellent “me” time. It can help you to focus on a larger picture than the one that’s bringing you down.
That being said, I wish you all the best with your (and your friends’) struggles, Czarcasm.
Take an allotted amount of “me” time every day, even if only an hour for a walk, a nice meal, a massage, a hot shower or bath with some nice music. THEN you will replenish your own stores so you CAN be there for your friends. This is very tough, and I’m so sorry that your friends are suffering and you are suffering on their behalf.
Avoid the national news like the plague.
Tell folks you have a terrible flu and are bedbound. If possible, you might also want to call in pseudo-sick to work. I’m sorry for your troubles 
Tell them you’ll be over at “X” time (which is after your walk/book/bath/meal/nap alone) and can stay to lend a hand for “Y” time. Flip the script around as needed. You can even multi-task, if that helps. “I’ll pick up a meal for us all, and bring it”, which you bundle with time to walk in the park, or time at the coffee shop reading a book, or playing with your cats.
Your healing time doesn’t need to be long, but you’re going through something too. Carrying everything alone is a recipe for not being any good to anyone.
If you really can’t physically be there right now, for whatever reasons, then send notes. If you don’t reach out in some way right now you may end up feeling bad about being “late” and then convince yourself that later is no good either.
You can take care of yourself, too.
FWIW, this random guy on the internet hereby gives you permission to feel whatever you feel, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, and do a bit of complaining if that helps.
Don’t assume that your friends and family want or need a lot of other people around. They are dealing with major shocks and they have a lot to process. And this is the time when everyone is trying to help out and be there for them. It’s probably a kindness to give them a little space. And I’m sure they have lots of people gathering around and trying to be supportive. And all those people will go away in a week or two. And your friends will still be suffering. That is the time when you can do the most good.
You know how when you’re on an airplane, and they explain about the air masks dropping, and they always say, “If you’re looking after a companion, always put your own air mask on first, and then assist your companion”?
That’s what you have to tell yourself now. If you want to help others, you have to put your own airmask on first.
Can I offer you a jaded cliché? Got your quota already? Sorry… I wish I knew something useful to say. Loss hurts. If you didn’t care so much you wouldn’t care so much.
Czarcasm, if they outright ask for a favor, of course you’ll help, because that’s what decent people do.
But you don’t have to fall all over yourself offering to help, because they might not want to show gracious acceptance right now anyway.
And these are your friends, so you’re grieving too. They understand. They’re friends.
This, entirely. Thank you, Ann.
You’re doing it right.
Very smart post, Ann.
I’m very sorry, I can’t help you with how to do it. You have to find that out for yourself. One thing I do know is that if you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll have a much harder time taking care of others. I wish you all the best, I’m sorry for your loss and I hope Lorne survives.
I don’t think anyone who knows you and/or your situation could blame you for experiencing “grief fatigue” or the need to unplug and recharge.
Do what you need to do.