How do you deal with grieving (breakup)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So my 17 month relationship is falling apart and it’s demise is innevitable. I hate the feeling of having my rationality (which i value) being thrown aside as a wave of emotion and grief overcomes me. I don’t think i really know how to deal with grief…for those of you who have lived through heartbreaking break ups please answer me these questions honestly based on your experiences.

  • Is of period a seclusion healthy? A time to more or less wallow? Or is it best to try your best to suck it up and continue with life?

  • I have a tendancy to do something rash…should i try to vent this feeling into something “positive”, or try to ignore it all together and get on with life as usual

  • I don’t know what is more painfull, ending a romance or a beautifull friendship with this girl. Is it best to not be in her company until the pain is ‘healed’? Which brings me to my next question…

  • Does time honestly completely heal something like this?

I do feel the need to say how much this relationship meant to me and this is probably the most painfull blow i have felt in my young life.I fear that this coupled with the fact that i am having to make decesions that will affect my entire life (moving out of the house, struggling to be financially independent and responsible) may lead to serious depression. The empty ‘alone’ feeling is not helped by the fact that my near inseperable best friend of 8 years is soon to move off.
So i am having to make serious decesions in the near future, grief is not what i need, a clear and rational mind is…help me beat this thing before it engulfs me.

2

How do I do it? I have a few drinks, watch some good comedies; then put on a porno, rub one out, and go to sleep.

But you asked some other questions. I’d say: suck it up, do something positive (donate a bunch of stuff to Goodwill, write a story, paint, draw a picture, make a sculpture, whatever you like), stay away from her for awhile, and yes, time does help.

3

You know…Theres an old saying that goes “The darkest hour is always right before a new dawn”… That saying my friend is very very true. Of all the pain that lifes can offer, there’s none worser than a broken heart. I know that there are no words that can ever describe the feeling you may be having right about now, but the only advice I can offer is to try and remain active… Find something that you enjoy doing and try and keep yourself involved with it. Pray to God Almighty for strength , and remain optimistic. In due time I am very sure that things will get better. Other than that, I can offer nothing more. :frowning:

4

Just keep swimming.

5

A lot of these questions depend on the individual, I think.

Respect your need to wallow, but it does help, I think, to get one’s butt out there again doing something. Start a new hobby, take a class, volunteer, something. Enlarge your world a little bit. You’ll still have plenty of energy left for feeling bad, but you’ll have moments where you’ve got something else interesting to think about.

I find your third question the most difficult–the reality is, either road is tough. It’s hard to cut things off cold turkey and lose everything you loved about that person, but it’s also hard to keep seeing the person (as a friend) that you used to have more with. I’ve almost always tried to “stay friends” with every ex, and made it some kind of moral test on my part to show how mature I could be about it. What that got me, I don’t know. I mean, I do have some wonderful relationships with some exes, but at a high emotional cost. I might have been better saying “I don’t want to see you now. I have to heal. Call me in three months and we’ll have lunch and maybe we can work on a friendship.” And some of them weren’t worth it. I wish I’d been less concerned about “handling it maturely” with those few and told them to go f*ck themselves.

Does it ever stop hurting? It certainly gets better over time. It’s less painful in the future, and we can appreciate how far we have come and how much strength we had. I’m happily married but I still remember the sting of rejection when people I loved dumped me. There are still little scars from that. Do I think about it often? Does it hurt my life? Not really. It’s just a part of who I am.

6

Zoloft. Zoloft for everybody!

If you’re feeling truly depressed, I suggest you talk to your doctor - not necessarily for medication, but to see if s/he can do something to help.

I’m going through some rough crap right now - coming to terms with a forced separation (thank you, Army) and the fact that I’m probably going to have to move (and give up my amazing new house) to find a job where I can grow (I made myself too indespensable where I am now and have recently been denied a promotion because of it - somehow, I haven’t been able to embrace the ‘F*** Up, Move Up’ principle the state as an employer seems to reward).

Even with the Zoloft, I sleep all evening after work and all weekend to escape and pass the time. (At least I don’t cry constantly like I did the entire month of February.) Without it, who knows how bad I’d be doing?

7

When I went through my last breakup:

  • I cut off complete contact with the guy until I was sure I wouldn’t do anything stupid. Honesty is good and all, and knowing why things happens can be nice, but my rule of thumb is, if I can’t look at them without hurting, I can’t trust myself not to do something foolish.
  • I started taking Martial Arts lessons. It was a gift to myself, I met new people, and it gave me a vent for my feelings.
  • I leaned on my friends for support, and I got it.
  • I never went anywhere without my dog. He makes me laugh, and I can’t wallow in self pity and loneliness when I’m with my dog. I just can’t.

That said, allow yourself time to heal before you talk to her again. When you first break up, there’s that time when everything is raw and painful. Don’t just ignore those feelings, let them through before you make contact. I spent alot of time reconnecting with myself. It helped me personally.

And, I’m a big advocate of doing something physical. That time you used to spend together? Take up a sport, join a gym, start playing pick up basketball at the park. Just do something that gets you moving and allows that energy a place to go.

And yes, you will heal. Good luck.

8

Well, I can only answer for myself, but I think it’s fairly good advice for anyone. A woman I loved dearly broke up with me about a month ago and I’m still feeling the effects, so I know where you’re coming from.

A period of seclusion can be healthy, but don’t get dragged too far down. It’s easy to become isolated and stuck in a self-reinforcing cycle of depression. Nothing helps more than doing something other than sitting around feeling hurt and missing her. As Intent mentioned, physical activity is good. I find that going to the gym makes me feel much better and helps burn off that excess anxiety. And spending time with friends always makes me feel better, as does making new friends.

I sometimes feel like doing something “rash,” too (not anything violent, just something like writing her a long e-mail in which I’d likely say things I shouldn’t). I do whatever I can to avoid this - channeling the energy into something positive (like the gym) or just reminding myself repeatedly that no possible good will come of it.

I’ve been through this sort of thing before, and in the past I’ve tried to do the “let’s remain friends” thing. I decided this time it’s just too painful and doesn’t get anyone anything. I’m all for being friends with exes, but a time of healing where you have little or no contact with that person is definitely the way to go.

Does time honestly completely heal this sort of thing? Well, yes, for the most part. There was one other woman in my life who made me feel like this last one did. I dated her 9 years ago, and I still think about her on a regular basis (at least a few times a week). But the pain is gone and the memories are faded. But I still miss her on some level.

The best things you can do right now, IMHO, are to keep doing the things that make you happy, keep interacting with people you like and care about, and if you ever feel the need to do anything regarding your ex, think it through rationally and ask yourself, “will this do me any good in the long run, or will it hurt me or hurt her?” If the answer’s no, it’ll do no good, or yes, it’ll hurt someone, then don’t do it.

9

** Is of period a seclusion healthy? A time to more or less wallow? Or is it best to try your best to suck it up and continue with life?**

Wallowing is healthy and normal for a while. Don’t do what I did and wallow for, oh, 6 months. Allow yourself to be as miserable as you want for 30 days (cry a lot, sleep a lot, drink a lot, etc.), and then go out and do something new. And if the fog hasn’t lifted considerably after a bit, get to a doctor. I walked around clinically depressed for about 10 months and didn’t even know it. There’s no need for that, not with the meds that are out there today.

I have a tendancy to do something rash…should i try to vent this feeling into something “positive”, or try to ignore it all together and get on with life as usual

Ignore it. You’re not going to be playing with a full deck for a while so don’t make any major decisions until the fog lifts. Particularly stay away from romance or you could end up in bed with someone really icky and when you snap out of it you’ll be going “ewwwwww.” (That’s, um, just what I heard, anyway …) If you must vent, lift weights.

I don’t know what is more painfull, ending a romance or a beautifull friendship with this girl. Is it best to not be in her company until the pain is ‘healed’?

Yep. Stay away from her. Don’t call, don’t write/email, pack away her love letters and every gift she has given you. There may be a day when you two can hang out, but until then it’s all about outta sight, outta mind. The less you see her, the quicker you’ll be able to move on. A scab won’t heal if you pick it off every day. And plus if you keep seeing her, trying to do the friends thing too soon, all you’re gonna do is send her mixed messages and you will be in “couple limbo” – not together, but hanging on and prolonging the pain. Make the break quick and dirty.

Does time honestly completely heal something like this?

Yes, it does. You may very well end up looking at her 2 years down the road and go “WTF? I went out with HER? But we were SO WRONG for each other!! What was I thinking!!!” You’ll remember the good times and you’ll probably have more clarity as to why things ended. And you’ll find someone else, really, that’s better for you. And she’ll find someone better for her. You’ve healed when you hear that she’s getting married and you go “Hey, that’s great” and mean it.

10

You are going to feel pain, there isn’t really a way to avoid it and it’s best to let it out. Don’t try to block it with a “life must go on” attitude. You can get through it and still do what needs doing (paying the bills) but the pain will be there. I’m horrible at dealing with break ups. I hate the pain, the hurt, the utter heartache feeling of losing a person I love. You shouldn’t rush out and try to meet anyone new, it’s rebound and won’t do you any good. The pain will fade (depends on each person how long it stays) and getting someone else involved romantically before it has, just brings you more pain when that new relationship doesn’t work out either. It could work but you really need time off the field.

You need to relearn what makes you tick sometimes, hence not getting involved right away while you heal. Learn from the mistakes you made during this one and figure out what you really don’t want in your next partner. Eventually, you’ve be ready for the “right” girl to come along. Breaking up is full of emotion and so, I wish you the best of luck during this tender time.

And stay far away from this girl. Trying to be a friend prolongs the pain and can be so awkward. Let her go and make that clean break. Something made this relationship end, remember that. Hopefully, you have friends that are separate from her. Do things with them, keep your hobbies going, try not to become a hermit because that also won’t help you heal. Your friends will keep you sane (well, depends on your pals) and keep you busy. Time can heal these wounds, although it doesn’t seem like it right now. Again, I wish you luck.

11

Thanks a lot everyone. These replies have been more than helpfull.

12

I have to disagree with those who say time heals. Time just passes, but healing involves wanting to feel better and so, is a choice. I understand the lure of a good, long wallow: by all means wallow. Doing something rash seems like an attempt to punish someone, either her or yourself. Ending a romance and a friendship will leave holes in your everyday patterns that will have to be filled with things that will feel like very poor and ill-fitting patches but your life patterns will have changed. It’s hard to lose something you like and grief is appropriate. Some people refuse to fill the holes left in their patterns with anything other than what they lost and time can’t alter that.

13

Do we ever know how to deal with grief? I suspect not, and each of us handle things differently. I would advise not to do anything rash in the early stages of separation. I don’t believe that would help much. My experience is that grief in all its hell can bring some valuable insight into your emotions,the way you think about things whether they are minor or major decisions and how you deal with everyday life and future relationships. In the long run it might well make you a better person for there is no better teacher than what we learn through experiences. Time does help but it is important that at some point you do something new or keep busy with a project. Do something that makes you feel good and makes you proud. It helped for me.

Peace and good wishes.

14

I got off too easy with a girl I broke up with 6 months ago . . . we both moved on, it was painful (even though I broke it off) but was also a huge relief. Since the breakup syptoms were SO obvious, the post-breakup relief out-weighed my saddness, and I got through it relatively unscathed.

BUT I couldn’t leave well enough alone . . .

Had dinner with the ex since she’ moving out of town, and it went great. Wonderful. Let’s do this again . . . had dinner once more, at which I found out she’s seeing someone else.

Dagger to the heart! And I don’t know why! I’m also seeing somebody new! Why do I care! I don’t want her! But the dagger still exists.

Anyway, in light of my most recent experience, I would recommend to any post-breakup friends to stay away from each other. I just volunteered for UNNECESSARY pain.

Big mistake. Found out that she is seeing someone new. Not surprising in the least.

15

Zombie thread.