I like watching stand up. I could never do it as I have a crippling fear of speaking in public, but I appreciate those who can do it and do it well. I often try to catch the Comedy Central specials for guys I know like Jim Gaffigan or the puppet guy, or guys I’ve never heard of. Sure, some of the jokes are kind of recycled, but in general I’m not too critical. I mean, how do you know your joke is the same one that some random comic used sometime in some nightclub years ago? So generally I cut them a little slack
When I caught this series, I was really excited for the possibilities. People bringing their “A” game, trying to win a competition, playing for fame and fortune. No clunkers right? Mostly good comics?
Yeah well that shit went out the window pretty fast
Now I have a pretty forgiving sense of humor as I like to describe it. I don’t hate anything that doesn’t make me roll on the floor laughing. I can chuckle at Jay Leno’s bland, non-offensive jokes, or laugh at Howard Stern making people uncomfortable asking by about their sexual past. But what I cannot laugh at is a comic who I personally detest. Once the comics moved into the shared house, nearly everyone became unbearable
There was a motif throughout that season, one repeated verball often by the host Jay Mohr and repeated in practice by the comics themselves. And that was: Respect the chain of command. Comics who have “been in the business” for a while automatically gets deferred to as leaders, whether or not they are funny. It’s like you pay your dues, then you get promoted, no matter your skill or work ethics. It’s sort of like a disgusting clown version of nepotism. Now I have nothing against that per say, but it interferes with my enjoyment of comedians if someone’s simply getting by with name recognition and nothing else
This bitterness at new comics was reflected in the almost universal hate towards Dat Phan.
Poor Dat Phan, an asian trying to make a name in an industry more famous for making fun of asians than taking them in. The amount of undeserved bile and hate and yes, jealousy, towards Dat completely and utterly turned me off to the show. I wanted to stop watching when they played hide and seek and nobody looked for Dat. I wanted to stop when one after another of the little idiot comedians cult challenged Dat. I didn’t want to see him lose.
The thing that grated me about these people like Tess and Ralphie May and Rich Vos and Dave Mordal is that they are bitter, stupid, and ultimately unfunny people who are delusional in their own skills at comics. Rich and Dave, being the oldest of the comics, tried to lead some sort of revolt against Dat. And for what? Being new? Their humor was forgettable and completely a rehash of every single non-famous, worn-out, middle-aged comics out there. “Oh my kids this, my wife that, blah blah blah”. I don’t remember a single bit they did except for the comment that one of them made about Dat Phan saying “Dat Phan’s afraid of original material.” Hey asshole, you know why? Because each one of your stupid cult challenged him and they fucking lost you stupid shithead!!! Dat Phan was challenged 4 times and won 3, which is 2 more wins than anyone else had and 1 more time than anyone else went up the stage.
And you know what, dickhead Dave or shitfaced Rich? He was smart about it. Voting was done by the audience in the room, not by TV or other comics. That means everytime they go up there to perform, they have a fresh audience. These people never heard him make the same jokes from before! So of course it makes sense to recycle your strongest material! A lot of good your “originality” did for you, huh Rich? What does losing taste like Dave?
I thought at first, when I caught the show, it was all about the comedy. But after the judges left and they comics were herded into the house, it became like Lord of the Flies. Ralphie May was impressive the first time I saw him. Yes, he was a stereotypical fat comic and he made fun of that and we’ve seen a million of those, but so what? Funny is funny. It’s relatable. I’m sure everyone here knows a bunch of fat, funny people who wouldn’t mind telling a pie joke or how marshmellow peeps run like scared Japanese when he descends on their aisle at WalMart during Easter. So I thought this was a guy who could win. But Rich/Dave should have saved his originality comment for Ralphie, because not only was he outed as an unfunny fuck, he was an unfunny, unrelatable fuck. When Ralphie lost his challenge, he did some insane bit about women and equality. What the fuck? He’s neither a woman nor does equality hold much in comedic potential when coming from a guy who’s the literal equivalent of 4 women. He might as well be talking about his childhood growing up in Africa and hunting elephants. It was just an stupid mess of a bit, and he deservedly lost to Dat Phan
Lest you think I have a lot of hate for Ralphie, my most vehement bile is saved for one Tess Cuntface. I don’t know if that’s her real last name, but she went by Tess so I’m allowed to give her a last name fitting her description.
Now I don’t know what it is about black people and asians, but they never seem to get along. They are worlds apart, I guess, in their beliefs and culture. I get that. But what I don’t get is why everything Dat does is, according to Tess, either stupid, weird, or insane. I give credit to Dat and his pages of notes, where he takes stock of just how his timing is, and writes down when a punchline should occur. That works for him and that’s fine. Maybe if Tess put a little more work into her material and less into being a vile bitch from the dimension of the pusbag ass eaters, she’d be the winner. Then again, when you’re and overweight, hairy woman with a punching bag for a face and a voice that peels paint, you shouldn’t be making jokes about wearing your thong backwards. Hey Tess, that laugh you received on that joke? That wasn’t amusement, that was the deaf people in the audience laughing at the face that all of the hearing people suddenly and spontaneously vomited. I hope you drown in a lake of used semen and aborted fetuses.
That was my first and last season of Last Comic Standing. I still see commercials for it, apparently it’s still on, but that hateful waste of a first season turned me off to comedians in general and the show forever. I don’t want to know what comedians are like. Make me laugh, then go away. Because it’s more than likely most of them are bitter, angry, former class-clowns who failed out of college. I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m just happy Dat Phan kicked all their asses
