belated rant to the loser who tried to steal my car.

The BBQ Pit
1

I drive a 1988 Chevy Cavalier. It’s a z24 so it has the potential to look nice, but let’s face it, you glance at it and you know it’s a beater. It’s got a big fucking HOLE in it, for crying out loud. Why would you WANT this car?

But ok, maybe you just thought it would be the easiest car to steal because it’s so nondescript and probably doesn’t have an alarm or anything. I guess you were right.

So you break into my car and rip my steering wheel apart. You don’t have the car now, of course. You know why? Because it had a broken starter! I had it parked and locked behind the store while waited for my friend to show up with the jackstands and gear so we could put the new starter in it later that afternoon!

So ok, all’s well that ends well, right? You didn’t get the car. BUT, you got part of it! What the fuck did you do with the plastic bit that holds my fucking steering wheel in? You know, the tilt is apparently busted now, because the whole goddamn wheel will jiggle in my hands if I take off the pipe-clamps that are currently holding it in place! Did something in your cocaine-addled brain say “Hey, let’s take a souvenier!”?

How about the faceplate that goes over my horn? Is there a REASON you left that on the ground near your obvious footprints through the grass? Did you forget you were carrying it or something, you stupid crotchworm?

And what in God’s fucking name did you do with the Mardi Gras beads that I had hanging from the rear-view? I found one string on the ground outside the car, but the other two are nowhere to be found.

What’s great is that you took my BEADS, you took part of my STEERING WHEEL CASING, you almost took the FACEPLATE… but you not only ignored the backpack in the rear seat and the brand-new starter in the box on the floor, but you LEFT MY STEREO IN THE CAR! What the fuck? You are obviously the world’s stupidest carjacker! Not that I’m complaining about still owning the car and stereo, it’s just that I despise you TWICE now: once for trying to steal my car, and again for being such a moronic cock-jockey!

Argh. Hudson, NY can’t even raise good criminals.

2

I feel your pain, really, but that gave me a good laugh.

Congrats at keeping most of the car and getting a story you can tell people for YEARS.

3

:wink: I guess the moral is “If you’re gonna steal a car, steal it RIGHT!”

4

“You are obviously the world’s stupidest carjacker”

Clearly, since to carjack someone, they have to be in the running vehicle. May all your future criminals be as comically incompetant. :slight_smile:

5

I used to own a 1988 Olds Delta 88 that was the epitome of a beater. It was half blue, half brown, it had significant rust spots, it smoked, the a/c didn’t work and it only had an AM radio (I bought it off of a 70 yeard old retiree who only listened to Paul Harvey). But believe it or not, that car was stolen not once, but twice. Each time I recovered the car the next day after it was left abandoned in a really bad part of town and the police were forced to call and ask me why my car was sitting, unlocked, in the middle of the street and blocking traffic. After the second theft, I finally got around to asking the police why people would find my shitmobile appealing and the cops said that drug addled punks who want to drive around and rob liquor stores and such for money find such beaters to be easy targets because they never have anti-theft systems and they are fairly non-descript. I can only surmise that my car was probaly used in some sort of robbery. I would imagine that someone probably marked your car for the same purpose, but when they realized your car wouldn’t start, they figured a little vandalization was in order.

6

Heck, my dad’s car, a 15 year old beater, was stolen fo somebody could move. He came out one day, foudn it was missing freom theplace he parked it. He looked around the neighborhood a bit, and found it with carpet rolls in it. While he went to get help, the punks went and stole it again. It turned up a month later, just about the time my dad was ready to buy a new car.

7

they figured a little vandalization was in order

They even sucked at vandalism!!!

  1. They didn’t rip my beads off. They carefully unwrapped them from their triple-twist around my rearview mirror and took them. (The one I found is in perfect condition.)

  2. They didn’t touch my dashboard ornaments (a chenille chicken and a hula man).

  3. They left the radio and its faceplate still in. Even if they didn’t want to steal the radio any vandal worth his salt would’ve stolen the faceplate and rendered it useful. I know I would’ve if I was a delinquent like that.

  4. If I was a delinquent, like I just said, I’d’ve left the headlights or dome light on to run the battery out.

What a sucky bandit!

8

Picuring a drooling idiot who gets distracted from his car theft by the shiny beads

9

Bet his prints are still on the faceplate…