To the fucking jerk who broke into my car

The BBQ Pit
1

Hey, asshole:

I understand that you need money to feed your drug habit or whatever lowlife-type activities you involve yourself with; frankly, I don’t know and I don’t care. But why in God’s name would you choose my shitty-ass little '85 Tercel to break into? Did you think that underneath the Burger King wrappers and jumper cables, a vast treasure was hidden? Did you think I was keeping a bank vault in the back of my car, or even good CDs? Of course not! Which any idiot could have seen by looking into the windows!

But no. You had to force the door open, throw all of the stuff in the car all over the place, all to discover – surprise! – that there is NOTHING VALUABLE IN THE CAR. Which of course any idiot could have figured out in the first five minutes. But you’re not just any idiot, no, you’re a special kind of idiot. You saw the car stereo. It’s not a particularly nice car stereo. It’s just a regular car stereo. But you really wanted it, oh yes, you did. Unfortunately you are too goddamn stupid to be able to figure out how to steal that oh-so-desirable car stereo, so instead you pried off the faceplate, threw it on the passenger seat, and then busted the plastic around the console trying to get the rest of the stereo out. Of course, you failed, leaving me with a busted stereo. Thanks a lot. Thanks a whole fucking lot.

You didn’t stop there, though. No, that would have been too easy. Perhaps frustrated by your total inability to understand how to remove a stereo from a car, you then proceeded to throw everything in the dashboard console all over the front seat, including the bottle of Robitussin I had down there. So now the entire front of the car’s interior is covered with sticky red cough syrup. Thanks, buddy!

But even that was not enough to satisfy you. When you finally departed, you didn’t shut the front door all the way. What kind of fucking moron doesn’t know how to shut a door all the way? This caused the dome light to stay on all night, which of course caused the battery to go dead.

I hope it was worth it for you, except I know that it wasn’t, because you took NOTHING from my car! You vandalized it, busted the stereo, and ran the battery dead, but you stole nothing! I had 15 classical CDs in the back seat, but I guess your tastes don’t run towards Dvorak and Beethoven.

I suppose I should be happy that you took nothing from the car, but frankly, it just adds insult to injury. You destroyed my car, and all for nothing. What a dick. What a freaking dick.

I hope somebody breaks into your house and throws maple syrup over all of your stuff, not that you have any good stuff, because you’re a lowlife car thief.

Screw off, and don’t come around here again,
MsWhatsit

2

I feel your pain. People vandalizing cars has to be one of the lowest forms of life. I am currently trying to come up with over $1100 for new tires on my car because some punks thought it would be cool to slash them.

3

I’ve had my car broken into once…well, not exactly broken into, I left the doors unlocked because I had nothing worth stealing and I didn’t want a potential thief to have to damage my car to discover this. Despite this, the guy stole my stereo and speakers. The speakers were low-wattage 6x9s, one damaged, no resale value whatsoever. The stereo was the factory radio from a Honda Civic (transplanted into my Chevy S-10), again, no resale value whatsoever. The one thing that might have been of some value, that you might have been able to trade for a $10 crack rock was the graphic equalizer/booster. Which was totally non-functional.

This leads to a recurring fantasy, the way I hope things turned out…the thief takes the equalizer and trades it for drugs (pawnshops in that area won’t take car stereo components unless you have them in the car and can demonstrate they work). Thief goes off to get high. Thief gets the shit beat out of him later after the drug dealer tries out the stolen stereo equipment, and is cut off from the source of his drug, which leads to unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. It could have happened.

4

Well, I just discovered that the thief thinks he made off with my Soul Coughing CD. Thinks he did, because what he actually got was “Greatest Hits of the 80s”, which happened to be inside the Soul Coughing CD case. Ha! Take that, you jerk!

I am also quite gratified, after having thought about it all day, that the guy took the time and trouble to break in through the hatchback, climb into the front seat, ransack the entire car, break the plastic molding around the stereo trying to get it free, and still didn’t actually manage to steal anything. I hope his fingers are still bleeding.