Berlitz Guide To Parent-Teacher Conferences?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m reading this New Yorker cartoon where they offer translations for teachers to parents, such as;

“Marches to a different drummer”…. Nuts
“Needs to brush up on people skills”… Sociopath
“Creative”… None too bright.
“Very creative”… A moron, actually.
“She’s a riot”… I can’t stand her.
“Doing just fine”… what was your kids name again?

Though slightly mean spirited, it’s a funny idea. I’m not one to get upset at satire. They could have picked funnier examples. It made me wonder, though:

  1. Can you think of funnier examples?
  2. What similar “Berlitz Guides” are needed?
  3. Any real life examples of academic euphemism?
2

“A pleasure in class” … At least they don’t cause problems.
“Extremely bright” … Grades my papers for me.

3

“Strong communication skills” … Won’t shut up in class
“Born leader” … Bullies other kids to do their homework and/or dirty work
“Strong entrepreneurial spirit …” … Has a lucrative black market trade going on …
“… but needs to learn discipline” … … and I’m not getting a cut of the profits
“… sure to be a business leader” … … is cutting me in if I keep my mouth shut

4

“quiet” - sleeps in class

5

“We’re thinking that an alternative setting would be far more beneficial for your child.”

Translation: '“Your child is so disturbed and uncontrollable that not even our LBS1 staff here at school can do anything with him, so we are going to assign him to our ECHO school that specializes in severely disturbed or disabled children.”

6

There should be a huge thick book called The Berlitz Guide To Job Interviews

“We’re like family in this company” = be prepared to live in the office and work 80 hours a week

7

Nm
Dumb(me not you)

8

ISTR MAD magazine featuring one for real estate listings in an issue.

9

What’s the standard parent translation for “Needs to participate more in class”? Because that’s the one I use most.

10

A little bragging here. We always got: “What are you taking up my time for? There are parents I really have to see.”

11

I’ve never quite said that out loud, but I have started conferences with “Your daughter has 102%. Is there something you wanted to talk about?” Which is usually answered by “No, not really, we just like to meet all of her teachers.”.

12

“Tell me the project that you had the most fun doing.” – @Bump didn’t do his homework for the job interview and is throwing the candidate a curveball so he can read their resume

13

We heard “the parents who show up are not the ones who need to show up.”