Can you get me a new card right now?
If I had that kind of power over time and space would i be sitting here talking to some loser at 3 a.m?
Video. Poor quality and very low audio, but hey.
Tom Hanks’ Philadelphia action figures
Big Red (Spinning plastic Viking spurting red goo from his horned helmet)
The Roach Trap (“None of this will actually kill the roach, but it will give him plenty to think about.”)
Big Brawn Feminine Napkins (“It’s like a big friendly lumberjack between your knees!”)
I can’t find any video, but my favorite is Cliff Robertson pitching the Lux 420 SL:
the car your neighbor’s dog has been telling you to buy.
First thing I ever saw Queen Latifah in that I enjoyed. Completely changed my opinion of her.
“From ‘Oh, no, he di’n’t’ to ‘I wish a motherf[beep]er would.’”
I loved the PSA with Tim Kazurinsky warning of the dangers of hitchhiking.
(At work, so can’t get a video link.)
I also liked Three-Legged Jeans, although I’ve never been able to find it online.
I also like the one for Wilson Trapdoors. When Jon Lovitz tries his old (inferior) trapdoor on Phil Hartman, it fails to open in time. Hartman then realizes what Lovitz is doing. . .
And the look Hartman then gives Lovitz is priceless.
Yes! I forgot about that one. Hilarity!
The Adobe. The sassy new Mexican import that’s made out of clay.
Ditto!
Schmitts was my favorite I think. Although the one for the investment bank that says their website address was “clownpenis.fart” was a really good one too.
There was one for a bank or travelers checks had Will Ferrell as a customer telling how his wallet got stolen in Morocco. The bank sent a bunch of thugs to find the thieves, “hunting them down like animals. Dirty, filthy animals,” and then going after their families and burning their houses down. I think it was called something like Interbank, but I couldn’t find anything that wasn’t about the change bank.