I’m friendly with my ex. I wouldn’t say she is my best friend since I have two or three really good friends who are more important to me, but I talk to her regularly and we go out to a restaurant once or twice a week. She was a lousy wife, and not someone I would want as a roommate again, but we enjoy each other’s company.
Her boyfriend was extremely jealous of me and for about a year she hid the fact that she still talks to me regularly. Now that she realizes she has no future with him she doesn’t hide our friendship any more, and I guess he has figured out that if she and I were going to get bakc together it would have happened by now.
My partner’s ex-husband is one of our best friends. And, yes, we have even vacationed with him! “Not getting along” is one reason people split up, but there are others. In her case, it was that she gradually became much less interested in (sex with) men.
I wish I could be friends with my ex-husband, but he just isn’t able to let go of a lot of anger. I am, however, very good friends with an ex-lover.
I broke up with my ex wife at the end of 2007, and moved out in March 2008. We went on a pre-planned vacation together in May of that year. Then, a year later, since both of us were single again at the time, we went on vacation again. We spent the last new year’s eve together at her family’s place, and since we’re both single again at the moment, are currently planning the itinerary of our vacation in March this year. We also hang out two or three times a week, and she emails/texts about dozen times a day. We still get on well (and drive each other nuts too, same as when we were a couple).
There were no trust issues in our breakup - we just made better friends than partners, though it took several years for both of us to realise that. She’s moving city in a few months’ time and it’s probably for the long-term best that we do put more distance between us, but, meh, for the time being we still enjoy each others’ company, and still care about each other. And since your grubby little minds are probably wondering, there’s been absolutely nothing physical between us at all since we broke up, even though we’ve often shared a bed.
Thank you everyone for your responses. It’s still something I don’t really understand, but more power to you all for being able to do it! It does reassure me somewhat to hear that some people’s current or prior SO’s had issues with such close friendships, I was beginning to think I was some sort of jealous monster for knowing I’d never be able to hang with it. Just not something I’d be comfortable with.
jjimm your relationship with your ex sounds like a full-on relationship, just without the sex. Have you had any other relationships since that break-up? How did the SO deal with it? Did she care? Have issues?
palin: your scenerio sounds more realistic to me, with the jealous SO and all that. You mentioned she came clean to him about your continued friendship when she “realized she had no future with him.” Did they eventually break up?
My ex- and I have somewhat repaired our relationship to the point where we can talk with each other about Big and Personal Important Stuff. But it took 25 years and being 1,500 miles apart. But while it’s an intimate relationship (not in the sexual sense) it’s also one that’s arm’s-length.
It really isn’t a full-on relationship. Just a very close friendship. We haven’t lived together for two years, and I’ve had three relationships (and slept with a few other girls) since my marriage broke up. My ex was with one guy for six months who was cool with our friendship.
The first girl I went out with was seriously jealous about my ex, but never told me. The second was wary but OK with it. The third I actually met while I was hanging out with my ex and knew the entire situation. She was totally cool with it, though ironically she told me it was dreaming about her ex (who she dumped for me) that made her break things off.
Yeah, it’s not normal, but there are people who understand, I guess.
I think it would be pretty obvious. Jealously is a perfectly natural human emotion. Being in a relationship requires a certain level of closeness with your partner. More often than not, people are best friends with their current SO. Now imagine your SO is as close or even closer to a person they shared a relationship with than they are to you. Someone they made love to. Someone they shared a life with. That is a very intimidating situation to find yourself in.
It should also be known that I’ve had two ex-boyfriends cheat on me with their exes, so I’m a little jaded on the topic. People remaining close with their exes has never really worked out with me. I told my SO about this thread last night and he was dumbfounded that so many people had those types of relationships with their exes. He said she wouldn’t be cool with that. I’d think that would be the more common feeling about the topic in the general population.
Too late to edit. I tried to delete the “obvious” part of my post and change the “than they are to you” to “as they are to you.” The obvious part carried a snarkiness I didn’t intend.
I didn’t read many posts as they quickly got judgmental and full of shit.
I have been married twice. I see my first wife regularly, in fact we are holidaying in Sydney for the Sydney Festival because we like all the same stuff.
I see my second wife regularly because we had 2 kids. She and I are still friends but she is remarried so we don’t go out.
If there is some good reason that I should not like two people I was in love with, let me know and I will treat them badly.
There’s a difference between treating someone badly and being best friends with them, life isn’t so black and white. I’m not so much concerned about the appropriateness of being friends with your ex in and of itself, I’m more concerned with the effect of such closeness on your current relationship.
Or not even the sex: some people make great friends for each other, but just can’t live together. It’s relatively common for couples where one of the two used to travel a lot and suddenly stops doing so to have a big crisis, which may lead to a separation or divorce (in Spain they don’t necessarily follow each other). They still like each other, but if they spend together more than a few hours at a time they get on each other’s nerves.
My husband and I separated almost a year ago, and the divorce was just finalized this past November. We are, somehow, still friends. However, the friend situation didn’t just go right back to the way it was, and it will probably never be the way it was again.
In my particular situation, we met when we were young (hell, we’re still young) and we were best friends for two years before we started dating. We were together for about 4 years when we decided to get married. After about a year into the marriage we started running into problems. He essentially became “best friends” with another women who he worked with, and he started spending all of his time with her instead of me, not understanding why that upset me. After enough time went by, and enough friction and fights, I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. (This may sound harsh to some, but I’ll spare you all the gory details).
I don’t know that I really fully comprehend how we are able to be friends. For me, I guess it’s just hard to let go of a friendship that saw me through some really rough patches in my life. I don’t think that we will ever be close like we were before, and if we stopped contacting each other, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, by any stretch of the imagination. My ex also moved out of state to live with family, so the likelihood of us ever “hanging out” in person is pretty non-existent.
If I started dating someone who was close with their ex, I think a lot of it would depend on how close they were, and how much time they were spending together. If they spent a lot of time one on one with each other, I don’t know that I would be comfortable with it. However, if I myself am able to have a friendship with an ex, how could I really fault someone else for having the same?
I think it’s all about comfort levels and trust. If someone I was dating didn’t at least question my friendship with my ex, I might be concerned about it. In my opinion, it’s something that should be discussed so that everyone understands the situation and feels comfortable with it.
I am very good friends with an ex of mine. Probably she’s my best friend, now that I think of it; she’s the only person in my life I never, ever lie to. I only balked at calling her my best friend because we don’t live in the same city. But we call one another frequently, share secrets with one another that we share with no one else; I twice paid her rent when she was in dire financial straits, and the only problem that presented was me telling her that she had to accept it as a gift rather than a loan. (She didn’t ask for the money.)
Another friends with exes story. This time with…my ex moved in to the same apartment building!
My es used to still love his ex when we first got together, 18 years ago. It wasn’t a big problem, but I didn’t like it that much. It made me a bit insecure, and when I met the ex, we didn’t get along very well. Also, my ex was the one who put the most effort in the friendship, and that bugged me on his behalf.
But other then that…we broke up, amically, after fifteen years, and he has been like an really good friend or older brother to me ever since. In fact, a year after we separated, the apartment above his came up for sale, and I asked if how he would feel about me and my new husband buying it. He agreed. I think part of the reason was that the people in that apartment before were awful neighbours; he knew I would be a sure improvement. That’s when he met my husband, and both men now have a cordial " good neighbours" relationship. Since then, I have met his new fiance, and she and I have an warm in-law relationship as well as being neighbours.
Mu husband still sees his ex regularly, usually together with me and her new husband. I like her, and they even invited my husband and me to their destination wedding.
I was very good friends with my ex after we separated and divorced, though this required some work on the part of both of us to break down one type of relationship and rebuild it based on what we still had in common. Although once my girlfriend (who is now my wife) and I met my ex and her 2-year-old daughter for dinner when they were in the area. But things faded out as we each continued to develop our lives on separate tracks.
It wasn’t really a big problem for my wife but not 100% comfortable either.
Yeah, but have your subsequent SO’s been okay with that? I know I wouldn’t be ok with my SO paying his ex’s rent and sharing secrets with her he didn’t share with me. Again, not talking about the relationship itself, but rather, it’s effect on subsequent relationships.
The Boy and I just met up with one of my exes and his GF for drinks last night, actually.
This ex and I have been friends for much, much longer than we ever dated (our romantic relationship lasted less than a month… our friendship, OTOH, is at nine years and counting). We love each other to bits, but we’re totally incompatible on a romantic level.
Both of us have had exes in the past who had issues with the friendship, but we’re both stubborn types and kept hanging out anyways. It’s become a test for new SOs, as a matter of fact… and one that both of our currents passed with flying colours (I’m half-serious about the fact that if he and his GF break up, I’m keeping her and dumping him).
That’s when he met my husband, and both men now have a cordial " good neighbours" relationship. Since then, I have met his new fiance, and she and I have an warm in-law relationship as well as being neighbours.