I really don’t find it tacky to ask for cash. Most people I know that are getting married lived away from home for some time and already have the toaster oven/stockpot/punch set that used to be given as wedding gifts.
Call me an evil minded cynic but my first impression is that the couple sent out the invitation, knowing that Mr & Ms D_Odds would be unable to attend because of the distance involved.
A card is plenty.
Hello fellow evil minded cynic! I’ll vote along with the card routine. Two rudeness =/= correctness.
My cousin passed out xeroxed cash solicitations (sorry, wedding invitatations) to his second wedding (with a live-in relationship in between) asking for cash and a food contribution for a pot-luck dinner. :rolleyes: We complied, but under duress. If you’ve never met the CIL, just send a card.
It’s tacky to ask for ANYTHING, that’s the whole point.
I’d make a donation in their name to a cause.
Maybe something like a food bank or a homeless shelter.
Note from the OP:
D_Odds isn’t actually going to do anything tacky, he just wants to enjoy plotting the appropriate level of snarkiness he could respond with if he were going to exercise his inner curmudgeon.
(A serious answer to the question, I’d have them waste their money on the stamp and the invitation. Spending money on the card for a cousin who lives halfway across the country and seems to be begging for cash (as opposed to a wedding announcement - which does not imply begging for a gift) seems like overkill. At most, a nice note on decent, but lying around the house stationary, and a stamp. “Ms. D_Odds and I are delighted to hear about your upcoming nuptials and regret we will not be able to attend. We do want to make sure you receive our warmest wishes for a long and happy life together.” No card, no check, no toaster.)
How about a copy of Emily Post, or Miss Manners’s latest book?
Well, it’s pretty much assumed that if you’re going to the wedding, you’re going to bring a present. Does anyone think present-buying is really a choice? So given that almost everyone going to the wedding will be sending a present, why not make it something the couple wants? I figure that if I get married, I will probably have been living with my SO for a few years, so we won’t need any house stuff. Why put the guests through the hassle of buying a present, and me of returning it, when the same sentiment can be expressed through cash? I mean, I wouldn’t expect anyone to show up with a gift, but come on, almost everyone is going to bring something, that’s just what people DO. And as for cash being an impersonal gift, does anyone think picking out a blender at Target is a statement of individuality?
You really do have the option of sending nothing (except maybe a card), if you’re not going to the wedding, and since you’re not, that’s what I’d do. But I really don’t see asking for cash instead of presents to be all that much of an affront. Sure, you’re assuming people will bring stuff, but come on, you know people are going to bring stuff anyway!
Would a really polite wording change the “cash please” invitation? Something like “you need not give a present to the couple, however if you feel you must, cash would be most appreciated, as we are saving for a house/vacation/whatever.”
As I understand it, making any mention of gifts on a wedding invitation is tacky.
It’s tacky and presumptuous to bring up the subject of gifts at all. When I got married, we never said a thing about gifts to anybody. We had already been living together for several years and we didn’t need anything and never thought to ask for anything. I was actually surprised when people brought gifts to the wedding because it never occurred to me that anyone would want to. I sure as hell never would have had balls big enough to assume they should give me money.
No, it wouldn’t. ANY mention of gifts is a big no-no. Sorry.
[QUOTE=D_Odds]
Some cousin-in-law (“CiL”) **I never met ** is getting married across the country. I will not be attending. We were sent an invitation, which included a little piece of paper saying (paraphrased) No presents, just cash.QUOTE]The text in bold is the telling point here, I think.
If you do not know the person at all, you are not obligated to send anything. Not a card. Not a gift. Not money.
If the person has some signficance to you (the child of a favorite aunt, for example), you could send a gift of your choice with the same amount of significance. If they don’t want it, there’s always Goodwill or re-gifting as an option on their part, with the understanding on your part that once you have provided the gift, it is theirs to do with as they wish.
It is rude on the recipient’s part to expect any gift to be based on the recipient’s expectations of what the gift should be.
When Mr. Kiminy and I got married, the invitation was simply an invitation to attend the ceremony and the reception. We only gave out registry information if people specifically asked for it, and we appreciated all the gifts we received, whether they were on a registry or not. Cash was certainly the most useful present at that time, but the other gifts we received were much more meaningful. (Our teenage daughter is now using a very special afghan that one of my friends knitted for us as a wedding present, and every time I see her with it, I remember that friend. I don’t remember in the least how we spend any of the monetary gifts we received, much less who gave them to us.)
Yes, a very nice card that sounds sincere.
The only mention of what sort of gifts that aren’t tacky are a list of where you are registered, or a note decling them altogether- or suggesting donations to a cause. Asking for cash is coarse.
But WHY? I mean, yeah it’s assuming that people are going to bring gifts, but isn’t it also a major etiquette no-no to not bring a gift to a wedding you’re actually attending? Gah, this whole thing is so neo-Victorian.
Wow. Wedding etiquette must be quite different in the US. I can’t imagine a couple getting married in Australia who would be surprised if they received wedding gifts. It’s pretty much expected that guests at a wedding will bring gifts (much as **davenportavenger ** suggests). In which case, I’m happy to give cash if that’s what the couple want.
NO, actually it isn’t. You’re not obligated to bring a gift.
The reason that it’s wrong is because it’s rude-it smacks of “gimme gimme gimme” and makes people feel like the only reason they’re being invited is so the bride and groom can get more loot.
No, actually that’s not kosher either. You should never include your registry or ask for donations in an invitation.
People will know enough to ask where you’re registered, then you can tell them.
So let me bring up another question (I hope I’m not hijacking here): if it is rude to even mention gifts…why is it not rude to point your guests towards your gift registries?
But actually you are. By society. You don’t think people would talk if you went to a wedding, ate all the food, and didn’t bring a gift? They would talk. Weddings aren’t about gifts, but it’s a major breach of etiquette to go totally without a gift, IMO anyway. I would never show up at any party without bringing something, even if it’s just food or drinks.
Your maid of honour or mother are supposed to point guests towards the registries, not the couple getting married.
Etiquette and customs are the grease in the wheels of civilization, people. We’d just be a bunch of stones grinding on each other without them.