“you are so self absorbed you should hang a string out your pantleg and call yourself Tampax.”
– hardygrrl, over here.
Similar one:
Do I come to your job and jump up and down on the end of the bed?
I’m old enough to remember the days when computers were definitely not cool. Once I was pushing my way through a crowded nightclub in a drunk and belligerent mood when I collided pretty hard with a much smaller drunk. I glared down at him and said something unkind, and he looked up at me and said, in a voice dripping with sarcastic wonder and admiration, “YOU look like you know ALL ABOUT computers!”
I was so stunned that he was long gone before my brain could process the information, but then all I could do was laugh.
One that I picked up from Strangers with Candy, and which I use all the time in response to various “Fuck you” or “Suck my dick”-type comments:
[with an ice-cold condescending gaze of dismissal] “Sorry, I want a meal, not a snack.”
A few of my most used
Let me know when you raise your prices so I can call you a two-bit whore.
When I want your opinion I’ll just shoot myself because I’m THAT
desperate.
If a little knowlege is a dangerous thing, you must be harmless.
Well, you proved me wrong. I would have sworn you couldn’t be as dumb as you look.
Ok, here’s a few…
One time on stage (with an original music band) a group of frat boys came in. One of them, to the complete consternation of the rest, kept calling out songs he wanted us to cover. Finally I told him, “Don’t tell me how to do my job and I won’t go by your job and tell you when to take the fries out of the frier.” He shut up, but his friends were laughing.
One time in class, back in college, the prof was explaining something repeatedly to a student who just didn’t seem to be able to get it. Finally the student got it and said, “Gawd, I feel so stupid.” To which I promptly replied, “Go with the feeling.”
One time in my youth (it was the eighties, I’m tall, thin, and I had long hair) a football player said (he must have learned the word effeminate and was trying to use it in a sentence in front of his friends) I looked effeminate. I replied, “That’s because I’m standing next to you and you look so emasculate.”
Lastly, I was trying to get a musician in one of my bands to improve his work ethic. I tried to explain that a band is a team of people working together and said the cliche there is no “I” in team. I was riding him pretty hard, he got pissed off and and said go fuck yourself. To which I replied with my sig.