Best Rants Ever!!: from the movies

[WSLer]

Pretty much what the OP says, the best rants from movies.

I nominate J. T. Walsh as Drucker in Crazy People in which he says the following to Paul Reiser: “Paramount Pictures presents The Freak. This movie won’t just scare you, it will fuck you up for life.” I want to know how the fuck the word “fuck” gets in the New York fucking Times!

“Stop pretending. If you look like this, then you’re fat. In fact, you’re a fat slob. Admit it. Do something about it. Want to stop sweating on relatively cool dasy, call Vitaflex toll free. If you call now, we’ll send you a free plant.” A free plant. For fat slobs.

You are so fired it is unbelievable.
Next up is Nicolas Cage as Jack Singer in Honeymoon in Vegas. The nominated rant is when he interrupts Ben Stein and the ticket agent at the ticket counter at the airport.
But for me, the winner is Steve Martin as Neal Page in Planes, Trains & Automobiles. The alltime rant is the scene where he confronts the car rental agent.

Any Dopers have other rants they’d like to put up for consideration?

[postcards]

Nick Cage again, in ‘The Rock’. I don’t remember the whole rant, but he was trying to get Sean Connery to realize how mild-mannered he (Cage) was:

“I drive a VOLVO! A BEIGE one!”

[Tretiak]

What about Al Pacino in…anything…well more specifically in “…And Justice for All.”

“I’m out of order? You’re out of order! The whole system is out of order!”

[Mr.Green_Fool]

Dennis Leary’s completely out of context rant ripped from his stand up routine in DEMOLTION MAN.

[Torgo]

I was gonna say Peter Finch’s “I’m as mad as hell” rant in Network but then I realized that Ned Beatty’s rant about how corporations run the world was much better.

Also, Dennis Hopper’s psychotic “love letter” rant to Kyle MacLachlan in Blue Velvet.

[cmburns]

Sam Kinison as a slightly disturbed history teacher in “Back to School”.

[Hodge]

“You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here.”

“But, I’m funny how? Funny like a clown? Do I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me?”

“The ice is gonna break!!”

[Morbo]

I direct you towards Peter Falk’s recent rant in the movie Undisputed. I guarantee you this speech will long outlast this average movie as a quoted piece of dialog / easy to find WAV file for years to come.

I also like Jack Nicholson’s rant in The Shining. (Paraphrasing): “When you hear me typing, ::makes sarcastic typing demonstration::, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing in here, that’s means I’m WORKING, that’s means don’t come in. Have you got that? Godd, then you can start right now and get the fuck out of here.”

And of course Jack’s famous “chicken between the thighs” speech from Five Easy Pieces.

[Minor_Irritant]

Bela Lugosi’s “Home? I have no home!” rant from Bride of the Monster.

[pldennison]

I sorta enjoyed Tom Cruise’s wig-out on Cuba Gooding in the locker room in Jerry Maguire. “Help . . . me . . . help . . . you. Help me help you!”

Also, although it doesn’t really qualify as a “rant” per se, Alec Baldwin’s appearance in Glengarry Glenn Ross is terrific. “You want to know what first prize is? A new Cadillac. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired.” Woo!

[The_Scrivener]

Not to go off on a rant here, but…

Joseph Cotten’s revelatory, deceptively placid rant against the idle, rich widows he preys on in Shadow of a Doubt.

Cher’s rejecting Jack in The Witches of Eastwick – the one that ends, “…on top of that, YOU SMELL!”.

Jack Nicholson’s dealing with a rude waitress in kind, in Five Easy Pieces.

Sally Kellerman storming into the camp’s C.O.'s tent and resigning her commission, in MAS*H.

Shirley MacLaine demanding opiates for her terminal daughter, in Terms of Endearment.

John Cusack explaining at length what he doesn’t want to do for a living, in Say Anything.

Ron Livingston explaining exactly what’s wrong with his job to the consultants, in Office Space. Of course, since he’s still under hypnosis and very mellow, this is more of a unique form of confession than an angry rant, but it’s still great.

Annette Benning “meeting cute” with the Prez, in An American President.

The alien’s “Stupid, stupid, stupid!” rant in Ed D. Wood’s Plan Nine From Outer Space. IIRC, that is. It’s difficult for the brain to continue to function when assaulted by a Wood opus, after all!

Peter Lorre’s “Stupid, stupid, stupid!” rant in The Maltese Falcon. (Since I just saw this on TCM, I can vouch for it.)

Monty Python & the Holy Grail: the Black Knight, Dennis the Communist, the Frenchman in the castle…

Monty Python’s The Life of Brian: the hermit breaking his silence; Brian telling the adulatory crowd to think independently.

Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life: The Grim Reaper going off on boorish Americans (“You Americans. You’re always saying things like, ‘I just want to say this,’ and ‘Let me tell you something.’…”) And I just want to say, as an American, that that was one fine rant, Mr. Reaper!

Babs’ defense of prostitution as a moral alternative to financially expedient marriage, in Nuts – “…I know women who sleep with husbands they can’t stand, just so that they can have a vacation home in the Hamptons!..”.

Lots of the dialogues in Heathers, which is appropriate, as it’s about teen angst amongst the mostly-rich, anyway.

And, of course, the treasure trove that is Withnail & I: Withnail Montague’s “We can’t go on like this…” cry of despair, his “I’m going to be FAMOUS!” phillipic, his “cake and fine wine” bit in the tea shop, and Peter Marwood’s “Get up, you bloody bastard…”.

[Horseflesh]

Geez, I thought the first one mentioned would be Clark Griswold’s classic rant in National Lampoon’s Vacation:

“I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’ll need plastic surgeory to remove our godamn smiles. You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of you’re assholes! I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!”

Then there’s the Clark’s Son of Rant in the threequel National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation:

“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!”.

Followed later by this gem:

“Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah!”

Definitely Pit-worthy stuff.

Pretty much anything more than one line of dialogue from Denis Leary is considered a rant.

[Horseflesh]

Oops, forgot another classic rant from Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men:

“Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have more responsibility here than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. I know deep down in places you dont talk about at parties, you don’t want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I’d prefer you said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand to post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!”

[Hodge]

Another classic from Samuel L. Jackson:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

[Gomez]

Speaking of Glengarry Glen Ross, the scene where Al Pacino Rants at his boss is an absolute classic.

You stupid fucking cunt. You, Williamson, I’m talking to you shithead. You just cost me six thousand dollars. That’s right. Six thousand dollars and one Cadillac. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, asshole? You’re fucking shit! Where did you learn your trade you stupid fucking cunt, you idiot?! Whoever told you that you could work with men?! Oh, I’m gonna have your job. I’m going downtown, I’m talk to Mitch and Murray, I am going to Limkin! I don’t care who you know, whose nephew you are or who’s dick you’re suckin on, you’re going out! I swear to you, you’re going out! Anyone in this office lives on his wits. (Roma looks over to the detective) I’m gonna be with you in a second. (looks back to Williamson (Kevin Spacey) What you are hired for is to help us. Does that seem clear to you? To help us, not to fuck us up. To help men who are going out there to try to earn a living, you fairy, you company man. I’ll tell you something else. I hope you ripped the joint off, I could tell our friend here a little something might help him to catch you.You wanna learn the first rule you’d know if you ever spent a day in your life? You never open your mouth till you know what the shot is. You fucking child.

Ouch!

[Horseflesh]

Will Smith in Independence Day:

“Y’know, this was supposed to be my weekend off, but noooo. You got me out here draggin’ your heavy ass through the burnin’ desert with your dreadlocks stickin’ out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin’ all big and bad… and what the hell is that smell? I could’ve been at a barbecue! But I ain’t mad.”

[Askia]

That bit from Jay in JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK where Our Heroes are on the internet at Mooby’s flaming a bunch of fanboys online who’re mocking their Bluntman and Chronic personas. I’ve only seen that movie once, but that bit about how they were going to “Track down every one of you motherfuckers and make you eat shit, then make you TAKE a shit, then make you EAT the shit made up from other people’s shit.” Funniest bit of the recent spew of scatological humor in contemporary cinema.

[Andy]

Even better Hodge (IMO)

“Oh, you ready to blow? Well I’m a mushroom-cloud-laying motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch brain I’m Superfly TNT, I’m the Guns of the Navarone. IN FACT, what the fuck am I doing in the back? You the motherfucker should be on brain detail! We fucking switching, I’m washing the windows and you picking up this nigger’s skull!”

(Pulp Fiction)

[kingpengvin]

What??? No one mentioned the two great rants by Steve Martin in Planes Trains and Authomobiles.

1. The chatty Cathy doll
2. Get me a fucking car

Damn they are funny

[elf6c]

Leary in The Ref http://us.imdb.com/Title?0110955

Pretty much the whole movie is an excellent set of rants, by each of the three main characters.

You know, you and my wife have a lot in common. You both think you have some right to life working out the way you want it to, and when it doesn’t, you get to act the way you want. The only trouble with that is someone has to be responsible. I’d love to run around and take classes and play with my inner-self! I’d love the freedom to be some pissed-off criminal with no responsibilities, except I don’t have the time! But you don’t see me with a gun. And you don’t see me sleeping with someone else. You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house? You think every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and say “Gee I’m glad I’m me and not some 19-year-old billionaire rockstar with the body of an athelete and a 24-hour erection!” No I don’t! So just excuse the shit out of me!

Gus: Your husband ain’t dead, lady; he’s hidin’.

You know what I’m going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.

Gus on the phone with a bartender.]
Gus: Look, just see if there’s a Murray there.
Bartender: [To the patrons.] Is there a Murray here?
[Into the phone.]
Bartender: I don’t think so.
Gus: See if there’s a waste of fucking life named Murray, try that.
Bartender: [To the patrons.] Is there a fucking waste of life named Murray here?
Murray: Gussy? Yeah that’s me.