Best "shut up" lines

In My Humble Opinion
1

What are the best “shut up” lines you’ve ever heard? You know, when somebody says something to another person that, usually humorously, succeeds in shutting that other person up?

Here are mine:

Almost 20 years ago, I was working in a restaurant where we had a cook named Gordy and a waiter named Lenny. Gordy was your classic “big dumb macho guy”, while Lenny was a thin, good-looking guy who happened to be a snappy dresser and looked like he should be on the cover of GQ magazine.

Somehow, Gordy got it into his head that Lenny was gay (he wasn’t). Gordy launched a campaign of harassment, frequently calling Lenny “fag” and questioning his masculinity. Lenny handled it well, choosing to simply ignore Gordy for the most part. The rest of us simply rolled our eyes at Gordy - he was just making himself look stupid as far as the rest of us were concerned, and he certainly wasn’t making anybody think less of Lenny.

It turns out Lenny was just waiting for the right time to slap Gordy down. One day Lenny was doing some sidework, and most of the crew was in the same room with him doing other things, when Gordy came in and started his usual routine of mocking Lenny. Gordy had lately taken to calling Lenny a woman. Lenny let him blather on for a while, and finally, without looking up said:

“Gordy, I’m more man than you’ll ever be, and more woman than you’ll ever get.”

Gordy’s face turned red as everybody in the room laughed at him. He sputtered a bit and then stormed out of the room. He never bothered Lenny again :smiley:
Second best, and more good-natured:

A couple weeks ago (different job), our whole crew was taking a lunch break together. Most of us were sitting at the table that was set up in the back room. Most of us were over 30 years old, with some of us over 40 or 50. The last two coworkers came in: two 19-year-old girls, Jennie and Ashley. They saw that the table was full, so started setting up a second table. 48-year-old Ken, sitting at my table, jokingly said to them, “Yeah, you two get to sit at the kids table!” This got a good laugh from everybody at the table.

Jennie got an even bigger laugh when she walked over and said to Ken, in a cute little-girl voice, “Grandpa, could you pass me the salt?” :stuck_out_tongue:

2

When I was a kid, I had the habit of swinging on the furniture and of climbing trees. This used to prompt my father to say, “You’re part monkey, you know that?”

I got sick of hearing this after a while. So, at one point, my father started in on me because I’d been swinging on the arms of the two heavy chairs in the living room. “You’re part monkey, you know that?” he said.

I stopped and looked up at him. After a second, I asked, “On whose side?”

I never got told I was part monkey again.

3

My parents had some epic fights. During one of them my mother said something outrageous and my father said, “Shut up! Do you want the neighbors to hear that?”

My mother opened the front door, stuck her head out and yelled “Hey everyone! I’m fighting with my husband! Come and listen!”

That stopped the fight dead in its tracks.

4

SHUT UP OR I’LL KILL YOU! – Vyvyan

5

“If I want any crap from you, I’ll squeeze your head!”—Coach Airoldi, John Muir Junior High, circa 1968.

6

“When I want your opinion I’ll beat it outta ya!”

7

Can’t recall where I heard this, maybe a movie line?
Anyway a husband and wife are at odds in a long simmering disagreement. They’re driving in the car, in pointed silence, when they pass a shabby looking trailer park. The husband offers, “Looks like a place your relatives might live”. The wife replies, " Yeah, my in-laws!"

8

An encounter with Harlan Ellison, as told by Gabe of Penny Arcade:

9

Oh, No! Heavy! My barely adequate psychic defenses are crumbling! – Neil.

10

One night long years ago I was in a bar and got lucky. I was leaving with this fine, Fine looking girl I’d met there.

Three of my sorta’ buddies were lounging around the door and they started in:
“You’re not leaving with him are you?”
“Don’t leave with that guy!”
“If you’re leaving with him you’re making a big mistake.”

Just as we passed them, the girl turned around and said: “I’ll tell you if it was a mistake or not after we’re finished.”

Yeah, that shut 'em up good!

11

Actually, the best shut-up line I’ve ever heard came from a five-year-old, who was just a little too bright for her own good.

Her first day of kindergarten I was filming her class for the paper I work for’s Web site. I know this kid, and that’s the only reason I was filming her - this school requires a media sign-off for kids and I know her mom, so I could get the sign-off in time for the first day of school.

So she was playing before class with some kitchen set they have, and this boy comes up to her and starts playing. And she turns to him, plants her hands on her hips, and says “I don’t need any HELP. Thanks.” And turns back around. Kid wandered off.

This is, of course, the same girl that, when asked by a boy in her class if he could see her belly button, said “Got money?” We’re still trying to figure out where she picks this shit up.

~Tasha

12

Some dick was giving me a hard time once and I said to him, “I hear your Mom and Dad are getting married next week. Why didn’t you send me an invitation?”

Everybody got it but him.

13

(Mr. Loud): “You’re awfully quiet this evening! Wassa Matter?”

(Mr. Soft): “Nothing. I guess I’m just a little tired.”

(Mr. Loud): “Well, hey, buddy, I mean, we’re all tired!”

(Mr. Soft): “Oh. Well, then, maybe we all could be quiet.”

14

From Bash.org:

<Lucien> a small question… will you rewrite you’re history books now that you hate us and write that US should have been liberated even with OUT massive support from french military? and maybe benjamin franklin never got his idees from paris? maybe he didn’t even visite the country…
<Stormrider> Lucien, do you speak German?
<Lucien> no, but swedish :stuck_out_tongue:
<Stormrider> You don’t speak German, though?
<Lucien> eh no
<Stormrider> You’re welcome.

And one by me, at the lunchtable with my friends once, when a guy’s story was meandering along far too long without reaching a point:

“Jesus Christ! It’s like having a conversation with ME!”

15

:eek: :eek: :eek:

16

Someone thinks that the Germans forced the populace of every country they invaded in WWII to speak only German? And that the only possible reason for someone to be able to speak German now is as a result of being invaded by them then? And are willing to take credit for something that happened 60 years ago but not give credit for something that happened 230 years ago?

17

On a similar line, someone on the board once snarked, “All of Europe would be speaking German now if we had had your attitude!”

Someone else snapped, “And none of Europe would be speaking German now if we had your attitude.”

Then there’s my far-too-oft-retold freedom from homosexuality story.

18

One that was give to me, and I use now myself, was at my first job at a Hardee’s.

A manager starts to talk, using a paper cup, kind of like a megaphone. This made the voice lose all bass noise.

Manager “Sounds like an old time radio”
Punk Zebra “I didn’t know they even had radio when you were a kid” (gets laugh from co-workers)
Manager “There is a lot of stuff you don’t know.” (much bigger laugh)

19

I know. We don’t know where she got it from, but her explanation was a five-year-old version of “Well, if I’m going to go to the trouble of hiking up my shirt to mid-waist, he should give me money. Why else should I do it?” We did have an explanation of why it’s not appropriate to display parts of your body for money, but I don’t think she really grasped the concept well.

Cute kid, though.

~Tasha

20

Once upon a time, in a place far far away, some friends of mine were trying to impress some girls with our stellar wit.

In response to something I said, my buddy says “I guess y’all realize now that Chriscya used to take the short bus to school” (referring of course to the small bus that picks up the special education kids).

After the laughter died down, I leaned back in my chair and said quietly "Nah, I never took the bus, I usually just rolled over, shook your mom, and told her ‘WAKE UP AND TAKE ME TO SCHOOL BITCH!’ "

He didn’t talk to me for a while after that one.