Best villainous monologues

[H3Knuckles]

I feel like we’ve done this before. Lot of good ones so far, though. I’ll be the nerd and post the first anime one. It’s from Hellsing, by the leader of a group of Nazi vampires returning to Europe after hiding out in South America for decades. His name (or at least, one alias he uses) is Montana Max (after the Tiny Toons character), but he’s mostly just referred to as the Major. I’ve seen a lot of different translations for the speech, and I can’t recall where I originally saw this one (have it saved in a file full of neat dramatic monologues), so I can’t speak to the authenticity of it, but damn if it isn’t scary.

Gentlemen… I like war.

Gentlemen, I… like war.

Gentlemen, I love war.

I like genocide, I love blitzkrieg. I like aggressive wars. I like defensive wars.

I like sieges. I love breaking through. I like withdrawing, I like retreating, I love mop ups.

In moors. On highways. In trenches. In plains. On tundra. In desert. In mud. In marshes. At sea. In the sky… I love every aspect of war that takes place on this earth.

I like blowing away the enemy with the thunderous roar of a line of guns going off all at once. My heart dances when an enemy is shot to pieces after being thrown high into the air.

I like crushing the enemy armor with the 88mm’s on our tanks. When I mowed down an enemy who fled screaming from his burning tank with a machinegun, my heart leapt.

I like it when the infantry plow through the enemy’s lines with their bayonets all in a row. I remember being moved when seeing new recruits, filled with panic, stabbing an already dead enemy again and again.

Seeing a deserter being strung from a lamp post in the street is unendurably exciting. Seeing a captive thrown down with a piercing shriek, as my own hand fell, was spectacular.

When the pitiful resistance came bravely with their small arms… and we destroyed them. When we hit Stalingrad with a 4.8 ton shrapnel round from Dora, I was at my height.

I like it when we are swept away by Russians with the morning dew. It is a sad thing when the town one is supposed to protect is trampled by the enemy, the women violated, and the children killed.

I like being squashed by the West’s vast material resources. Being followed by English and American forces and having to crawl around on the ground like a pesky insect is the ultimate disgrace.

Gentlemen… I desire a war that is like hell.

Gentlemen, my companions in the battalion who follow me… Gentlemen, what do you desire?

Do you desire war as well? Do you desire a war of no mercy?

Do you desire a conflict that stretches the limits of iron, wind, lightning, and fire to the breaking point, one that will kill all the crows on this planet?

[After a pause, the assembled soldiers respond enthusiastically, cheering “Krieg! Krieg! Krieg!” in a crisp, uniform pattern]

…

Very well… then we shall have ein Krieg.

All of our strength is held here in our fists, ready to strike. But for us, who have waited and waited in the depths of darkness for more than half a century… Just any war will not do!

It must be a great war! A grand war! Waged with all our hearts and souls!

We are nothing more than a thousand soldiers, the remains of a battalion… but we are all veterans, and I know you are each worth a thousand men.

In that case, including me, we are a million and one strong.

Let us drive away those that have forgotten us, let us awaken those who have fallen into a deep sleep. Let us pull them up by their hair and pry their eyes open and make them remember…

Let us remind them of the taste of fear.

Let us remind them of the sound of our boots marching.

Let us remind them that there are things between heaven and earth which they would not even dream to be possible.

[the battalion cries “To Europe! To the lights of Europe!”]

With a kampf gruppe of vampires 1,000 strong… We will burn the world to the ground. Yes, fire is the light in Europe we have waited for so very, very long…

I have returned you to its shores as promised. Back to that familiar battlefield, back to that oh so nostalgic war…

[the battalion cries “Herr Sturmbannführer! Sturmbannführer! Führer! Herr Führer! Mein Führer!”]

[An observing Obersturmführer shouts “Mein Führer, Operation Sealöwe has finally crossed the ocean, we have arrived at the shores!”]

[the battalion repeats “Herr Führer! Mein Führer!”]

…Herr Sturmbannführer… Sturmbannführer… Herr Führer. [He smiles] This message is for every member of the Millennium Battalion, make sure every soldier receives it. Let us create Hell.

…

Here we go…

Gentlemen.

[The_Second_Stone]

@Sublight

…In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

Harry Lime, The Third Man

Curse you Sublight! I came in here to use this quote!!!

[The_Second_Stone]

@Mr.Excellent

The Immortal Bard was the master of the villainous monologue, and he was at the top of his game with King Lear.

Act I, Scene II:
Another gem from Edmund, later in the same scene:

In fact - Skald, I think I’d like to nominate Edmund for President. He’s pragmatic, logical, and I doubt he’d be afraid to confront the religious fundamentalists.

Edmund Blackadder!? That’s not a very cunning plan.

[Scuba_Ben]

@carnivorousplant

I’ve always been rather fond of, “I expect you to die, Mr. Bond.”

That’s a comeback, not a monologue. Given that, it’s probably the best comeback said TO James Bond in all the movies.

[Uncle_Brother_Walker]

Who can ever forget Malcolm McDowell in Caligula???

I have existed from the morning of the world and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night. Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula, I am all men as I am no man and therefore I am a God.

And speaking of Malcolm, how about as Alex in A Clockwork Orange???

Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now. As I slooshied, I knew such lovely pictures!

[carnivorousplant]

@Scuba_Ben

That’s a comeback, not a monologue.

Oh yeah? They got rules, like a Hiaku or a Shakespearean sonnet?

It is succinct, to the point, clever, and as you said, delivered to James Bond.

[BrainGlutton]

Babylon 5: Emperor Cartaggia to Londo Mollari: “Where were you when my destiny was written in the stars? You can burn with the rest of Centauri Prime!” (From memory.)

There were some even better monologues from the Shadows’ spokeshumans, on the evolutionary value of the struggle for survival, but I can’t recall them.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@carnivorousplant

Oh yeah? They [monologues] got rules, like a Hiaku or a Shakespearean sonnet?
It is succinct, to the point, clever, and as you said, delivered to James Bond.

Not so much rules as a definition: a long, uninterrupted speech by one character heard by at least one other character. “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die” is only eight words–hardly long. Monologues are not succinct; I’d say there have to be at least three sentences.

[carnivorousplant]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

Not so much rules as a definition: a long, uninterrupted speech by one character heard by at least one other character. “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die” is only eight words–hardly long. Monologues are not succinct; I’d say there have to be at least three sentences.

Humor; it is a difficult concept.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@carnivorousplant

Humor; it is a difficult concept.

You realize that I’m only sparing you until the New Zealand thing, right?

Once Christchurch sinks beneath the waves, you are soooooooooooooo screwed.

[smiling_bandit]

Something else from Babylon 5, from Vir Cotto to Mr. Morden, who arguably had the single best lines in the entire series:

“I’d like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I would look up into your lifeless eyes and wave, like this [smiles and waves his fingers at Morden]. Can you and your associates arrange that for me, Mr. Morden?”

And it all happened exactly like that! Londo killed Morden and nuked an island full of Shadow vessels… on his own planet. And Vir waved just as he intended to.

[Der_Trihs]

@smiling_bandit

Something else from Babylon 5, from Vir Cotto to Mr. Morden, who arguably had the single best lines in the entire series:

“I’d like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I would look up into your lifeless eyes and wave, like this [smiles and waves his fingers at Morden]. Can you and your associates arrange that for me, Mr. Morden?”

And it all happened exactly like that! Londo killed Morden and nuked an island full of Shadow vessels… on his own planet. And Vir waved just as he intended to.

That was great, yes, but wasn’t it more of a heroic monologue ?

I can’t find a transcript, but the enemies in Star Control II ( now available as The Ur-Quan Masters ) had some great ones.

[Some_FNG]

In Snatch, Bullet Tooth Tony’s scene with the three inept guys in the bar is among my favorite moments of dialogue, but it doesn’t really qualify as a Villain’s Monologue. If you ask me, any line of dialogue in this movie is pure gold.

Bullet Tooth Tony: So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls.
Vinny: These are your last words, so make them a prayer.
Bullet Tooth Tony: Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you’ve got your parties mangled up. There’s no pussy here, just a dose that’ll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you’ve got “Replica” written down the side of your gun…
[Zoom in on the side of Sol’s gun, which indeed has “REPLICA” etched on the side; zoom out, as they sneak peeks at the sides of their guns]
Bullet Tooth Tony: And the fact that I’ve got “Desert Eagle point five O”…
[Withdraws his gun and puts it on the table]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Written down the side of mine…
[They look, zoom in on the side of his gun, which indeed has “DESERT EAGLE .50” etched on the side]
Bullet Tooth Tony: Should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now… Fuck off!

[Evil_Captor]

The best villainous monologue is at the end of the climactic battle in “Blade Runner:”

@Roy Batty

Good, that’s the spirit. That hurt. That was irrational. Not to mention, unsportsman-like. Ha ha ha. Where are you going?

Quite an experience to live in fear, isn’t it? That’s what it is to be a slave.

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the darkness at Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.

Time to die.

[MrDibble]

@Evil_Captor

The best villainous monologue is at the end of the climactic battle in “Blade Runner:”

…and the best bit was totally ad-libbed, too. That buys Hauer a pass for any number of B-movies, IMO.

[BrainGlutton]

O’Brien in Part III of Nineteen Eighty-Four (it is not to be spelled in numerals) has some of the most awesome villainous monologues in literary history. Just one example:

‘I told you, Winston,’ he said, ‘that metaphysics is not your strong point. The word you are trying to think of is solipsism. But you are mistaken. This is not solipsism. Collective solipsism, if you like. But that is a different thing: in fact, the opposite thing. All this is a digression,’ he added in a different tone. ‘The real power, the power we have to fight for night and day, is not power over things, but over men.’ He paused, and for a moment assumed again his air of a schoolmaster questioning a promising pupil: ‘How does one man assert his power over another, Winston?’

Winston thought. ‘By making him suffer,’ he said.

‘Exactly. By making him suffer. Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? Power is in inflicting pain and humiliation. Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. Do you begin to see, then, what kind of world we are creating? It is the exact opposite of the stupid hedonistic Utopias that the old reformers imagined. A world of fear and treachery is torment, a world of trampling and being trampled upon, a world which will grow not less but more merciless as it refines itself. Progress in our world will be progress towards more pain. The old civilizations claimed that they were founded on love or justice. Ours is founded upon hatred. In our world there will be no emotions except fear, rage, triumph, and self-abasement. Everything else we shall destroy — everything. Already we are breaking down the habits of thought which have survived from before the Revolution. We have cut the links between child and parent, and between man and man, and between man and woman. No one dares trust a wife or a child or a friend any longer. But in the future there will be no wives and no friends. Children will be taken from their mothers at birth, as one takes eggs from a hen. The sex instinct will be eradicated. Procreation will be an annual formality like the renewal of a ration card. We shall abolish the orgasm. Our neurologists are at work upon it now. There will be no loyalty, except loyalty towards the Party. There will be no love, except the love of Big Brother. There will be no laughter, except the laugh of triumph over a defeated enemy. There will be no art, no literature, no science. When we are omnipotent we shall have no more need of science. There will be no distinction between beauty and ugliness. There will be no curiosity, no enjoyment of the process of life. All competing pleasures will be destroyed. But always — do not forget this, Winston — always there will be the intoxication of power, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face — for ever.’

He paused as though he expected Winston to speak. Winston had tried to shrink back into the surface of the bed again. He could not say anything. His heart seemed to be frozen. O’Brien went on:

‘And remember that it is for ever. The face will always be there to be stamped upon. The heretic, the enemy of society, will always be there, so that he can be defeated and humiliated over again. Everything that you have undergone since you have been in our hands — all that will continue, and worse. The espionage, the betrayals, the arrests, the tortures, the executions, the disappearances will never cease. It will be a world of terror as much as a world of triumph. The more the Party is powerful, the less it will be tolerant: the weaker the opposition, the tighter the despotism. Goldstein and his heresies will live for ever. Every day, at every moment, they will be defeated, discredited, ridiculed, spat upon and yet they will always survive. This drama that I have played out with you during seven years will be played out over and over again generation after generation, always in subtler forms. Always we shall have the heretic here at our mercy, screaming with pain, broken up, contemptible — and in the end utterly penitent, saved from himself, crawling to our feet of his own accord. That is the world that we are preparing, Winston. A world of victory after victory, triumph after triumph after triumph: an endless pressing, pressing, pressing upon the nerve of power. You are beginning, I can see, to realize what that world will be like. But in the end you will do more than understand it. You will accept it, welcome it, become part of it.’

[BrainGlutton]

And there’s that anonymous Bush staffer quoted by Ron Suskind:

The aide said that guys like me were “in what we call the reality-based community,” which he defined as people who “believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality.” … “That’s not the way the world really works anymore,” he continued. “We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality—judiciously, as you will—we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors…and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.”

[Antinor01]

Maleficent taunting Prince Phillip who is chained in her dungeon. (from Disney’s Snow White) -

Oh come now Prince Philip. Why so melancholy? A glorious future lies before you - you, the destined hero, of a charming fairy tale come true. Behold - King Stephan’s castle. And in yonder top most tower, dreaming of her true love, the Princess Aurora. But see the gracious whim of fate - why, ‘tis the self-same peasant maid, who won the heart of our noble prince but yesterday. She is indeed, most wondrous fair. Gold of sunshine in her hair, lips that shame the red red rose. In ageless sleep, she finds repose. The years roll by, but a a hundred years to a steadfast heart, are but a day. And now, the gates of a dungeon part, and our prince is free to go his way. Off he rides, on his noble steed, a valiant figure, straight and tall! To wake his love with "loves’ first kiss"! And prove that “true love” conquers all! AHAHAHAHAHA!

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@BrainGlutton

And there’s that anonymous Bush staffer quoted by Ron Suskind:

Great Debates is over that way. The Pit is down in the cellar.

[BrainGlutton]

@Johnny_Q

I’ve always liked Robert Putney Drake’s rant from Illuminatus:

for more context…

What I remember is his therapist’s assessment: “This man doesn’t want to murder his father and possess his mother. He wants to murder God and possess the Universe!”