I think I’m going to try to write a new book similar to “The Doctor’s Book of Home Remedies” focusing primarily on children’s maladies. But I need help–especially from the parents out there in “Doper Land.” I only have a few remedies (which I’ve listed below) and could use some suggestions. With your help, I’m convinced it would be a best-seller.
1: Constipation
(Followed properly, these cures will surely put an end to the need for children’s laxatives, especially in infants.)
a) Sit down to the computer and try to research ANYTHING on the internet.
b) Attempt to carry out a phone conversation with another adult.
c) Go on a road trip and get to the middle of no-ferking-where with no hope of ever finding a rest station within the next hour.
d)Get low on diapers.
**This final remedy should only be used as a last resort, as it not only stimulates the bowels, but brings on wholesale diarrhea.
2: Poor appetite
(Guaranteed to elicit loud, insistent cries of “I’m HUNGRY!” at any time of day.)
a) Tell the child he can’t have any of THAT.
b) Sit down with a plate of your own.
c) Try to get housework done.
d) Tell the child for the hundredth time to GO TO BED!
3: Sleeplessness
(Instantaneous snoring)
a) Spend an outrageous sum on a movie that the child has been begging for weeks for you to take her to see.
b) Try to keep them awake on the WAY TO church so they will sleep DURING.
4: Listlessness
(These will help any drowsy child be more alert.)
a) Try to watch any movie not rated G after the kids have gone to bed.
b) Attempt to make love to your spouse after midnight.
As I said, the book is imcomplete and I need more entries. Children’s issues are the primary aim, but any old home cures will do. Thanks in advance for any help!
Here’s my remedies for constipation: 1) Sit down in a nice restaurant and place an order. Moments after the order arrives, their bowels will unlock. RARELY does this result in the need for the child to “just hafta pee.” If the restaurant is nice enough, and you’ve been waiting for months for the chance to go there, this may actually cause MULTIPLE trips to the restroom. 2) Pay an exorbitant amount of money to take the family to the movies. This is mostly effective in babies, as theaters do not provide changing tables. May cause profusely loose bowels in infants, necessitating an entire change of clothing (unless you’ve already seen the movie, otherwise, what’s the point? You won’t be missing anything.)
Listlessness: Be pregnant and desperately tired all the time. This will cause “boogey men” to take up residence in your children’s closet, so that they will be alert all night. (You can try sitting with them till they fall asleep, but they will be aware of the fact that you plan to leave the room as soon as they do, so they’ll remain awake to keep you from doing so.)
Picky appetite: Offer the food they rejected to their sibling. (NOTE: Don’t offer the same KIND of food to the sibling–offer the exact same dishful they’ve just rejected.) This makes the food exceptionally appealing and suddenly it’s just what they were dying to eat. It is also effective to start eating the food yourself.
Faulty memory: Skip a line or a word in their bedtime story. Or forget that you promised them a treat before bed and get them all tucked in and read to and kissed and hugged, etc. They’ll remember just as you are stepping out of their door.
I know I have more–when I remember them I’ll add to the book!
I fear that the humorous intent of the OP was missed here. Babydrln is not looking for serious cures to these health issues. What we have here is a demonstration of how children thwart our desires for a little peace and quiet with dirty diapers, how they always manage to need the bathroom when we are trying to eat out, how their sibling rivalry will cause them to frantically desire something they previously disdained, etc. Not that we are bashing the idea of parenthood–we all love being parents, I’m sure–just a little humor to lighten up some of the more stressful moments!
I had a feeling this would happen if I didn’t specify. This whole thread is supposed to be humorous. I am not an author doing research. I got mad the other day when I counted the diapers I had left and said “Whew! I have plenty to last for another day…I’ll buy more later,” only to have my 20-month old start crapping like there was no tomorrow. I got to thinking how funny it would be to hear what other parents go through in this vein.
But as usual, no one “got” the joke and this thread (misnomer) flopped just like the other one I tried to start. pout(I can’t believe, after reading my post, that anyone thought I was serious about home cures! YEESH!) I guess there aren’t as many parents of young, adorable, exasperating children on these boards as I’d hoped. I’ll just have to quit starting threads and stick to responding to other people’s!
Yea…even I could see that was humorous (guess sometimes you need to put it up there in BIIIIG LETTTTTTERRSSS.
Here are a few…
-Make your signifigant other remember something important…Log on to EQ
-Make your signifigant other want to REALLY do something…log onto EQ and go on raid
-Get woke up at a time…sleep somewhere where she cannot immediatly see you when she walks in the door. (Remember Peg Bundy and that ‘Allllllllll?’ whine? Imagine your name and you can figure out why I love that one)
