Never mind, I re-read your OP. It’s clear now.
You’ll have to give me a second here, I’m staring at the question and just can’t make heads or tails of it.
Do you mean do I go through periods of being wholly heterosexual and wholly homosexual?
If that’s what you mean then no I don’t. At any moment I’ll be attracted to either sex but when it comes to sex and relationships I’ll desire either the company of a man or of a woman. Sorry I can’t explain it better.
I like both. Doesn’t have to be one or the other, though.
Almost anyone can be attracted to more than one person at a time. How many straight married women drool over Brad Pitt? Or straight and happily-married men who think Angelina Jolie is quite the dish? It works pretty much the same way.
I had a goofy conversation with a gay co-worker who asked the legitimate and common question “But you’re monogamous, doesn’t that mean you’ll miss the other gender?”
To which I responded: “Well, no. I don’t miss a man’s company any more than I miss the company of other women.”
Then used as an example:
Say I was straight and married a man named Dave. Does that mean I’m no longer heterosexual, but rather Davesexual and only attracted to Dave? No. The nature of who you are doesn’t necessarily change because you’re monogamous and partnered. You still may find other people appealing, while you’re faithful to your spouse/partner.
I’m dating my GF and I’m monogamous, but I may still spot someone walking along and think “Wow, he is smokin’!” or “Yowsa, that woman playing the new therapist on ER is hot!” while also thinking that the entire cast of The O.C. is made up of ugly inbreds.
Perhaps an explanation would be some kind of inherent monogamy.
I’ve never have any desire for a threesome, not at all. And I also can’t fathom an “open relationship” where I had to maintain more than one relationship at a time (though at my ex-girlfriend’s behest I let her date a guy as well as me, but it made me soooo miserable and the whole relationship ended up a huge disaster).
I think some people just are monogamous more by nature than by social convention, and so whether they’re straight /gay/bi/whatever they’ll tend to nurture only one relationship at any given moment.
Other people can maintain healthy non-monogamous relationships and/or can enjoy the diversity of more than one sexual partner at once, threesomes etc. That’s not my nature though. I have a more singular appetite.
I follow, but doesn’t the analogy fall short? Because if you were straight you could do with Dave whatever you could do with any other man.
I’m happily monogamous, but it’d bum me out to face the prospect of never again engaging in a certain kind of sexual activity I enjoyed.
So you would not marry someone unless they did every kind of sexual activity that you enjoy? And what if their tastes change?
Really? I’ve never found any two men to be able to do exactly the same things, in the same way, or respond the same way to things I do to them. Women neither. Rarely are two partners exactly the same. What if Dave just can’t do those incredible things that Ralph could? What if I like Bob’s extreme length and girth, but Dave is modestly endowed?
And as Gfactor pointed out tastes change, abilities change, and appetite’s change. What if Dave hurt his back and could never again be on top. Would I be bummed because I could have that kind of sex ever again? Or what if I had a huge fetish for feathers, but Dave was allergic? What if I married fat Dave, but a year later he was skinny?
Any time you settle for only one person, there are going to be limitations, as well added bonuses to the kind of sex you can have.
Besides, with some of the “marital aids” I’ve seen on the internet, it would seem that that problem would only be limited by a lack of imagination.
I used to joke with my ex-boyfriend about his lack of boobies, but really, if I was really exceptionanly bummed about it, I could’ve gone to one of the stores on Yonge Street and bought him a temporary pair. 
Do you think that gay and straight people fall in love with the package, not the person?
I’m sure you didn’t mean it like that; it’s just that this phrasing is a pet peeve of mine.
No, but I’d be bummed.
I guess sexual compatability is more important to me than most. None of that would be a relationship killer, but I’d be bummed. I’d have to honestly answer your friend’s question, “Yeah, I’d miss it.”
That answer would work better for me, if I were bi.
But my girlfriend and I are sexually compatible and I certianly never feel unfulfilled.
Bup you’re monogamous – do you miss being single and having casual, anonymous sex with women you barely know? Why not? A lot of married men do miss casual sex, even if they are sexually compatible with their wives. Casual, anonymous sex is a kind of sex they enjoy – Yay, diversity!
Read carefully what I said. I said “I don’t miss the company of men more than I miss the company of other women.” I don’t miss it more than I miss “any other sex I will no longer have.”
Because we broke up, I will never have sex with Sniffs_Markers (exGF), ever again. Do I miss it, yes? Now why would I miss it if I have a new GF and can presumably have the same “kind” of sex still?
My current girlfriend is not like any other person I have ever had sex with because no one else I’ve ever had sex with is her. Sex with Chews_Pencils is not like sex with anyone else, male or female, because no one else is Chews_Pencils. If we break up, I will miss sex with Chews_Pencils. She is unique. No matter what activities we do, it will still never be like sex with anyone else (male or female).
I’m a girl and I guess there’s different qualities that would attract me to a guy or girl, like Drew Barrymore said “being with a girl is like exploring your own body” and girls are more gentle and soft kinda thing. Guys on the other hand are like really sweet when they’re being all protective and sweet over you so… it goes both ways I think. I’m straight by the way.
Jill Sobule
Oh, and Bup I’m not trying to be argumentative or disagree with you. It’s just that it’s difficult to explain.
In a nutshell, go back to my first post where I said gender is irrelevent to who I’m atracted to. “I fall for the person, not the package.”
So my connection is so… “individual-based”, I guess, would be the way to describe it, that it supercedes physical differences between genders. So “different kinds of sex” is conceptually quite different for me than you.
Sex is more individual-specific for me. So it’s essentially the opposite of the “anything that moves” stereotype.
Darn it. Point of clarification because my last post was SLOPPY in wording.
Before anyone says “Waitaminute, doesn’t that last post say that you do become ‘Davesexual’ if you’re dating Dave?”
I just want to clarify that there’s a difference between “kinds of sex” (ie/ sexual activities and practices) that you may miss, and “sexual attraction” (attraction and ability to fall in love with).
So sexual activities don’t matter to me nearly as much as who I’m doing it with. Every partner is different, so I don’t really miss specific activities, since each new partner is a new and different exploration.
This is NOT making it any clearer. Darn it! I wish I could articulate it better. Grr!
Lemme see if I can explain it on your behalf.
You meet Liz. You and Liz enjoy each other, etc. You find that doing X and Q with Liz just rubs you in all the right places, makes your bells ring and your chimes swing beautifully. Etc.
Then Liz moves to Bulgaria to do some volunteer work and you meet Rob in a bar. Rob shows you R and F, which are just lovely and make your horn sound loudly and your drum beat with a mesmerizing rhythm.
Bit of a crude explanation, but is that the essence of it?
Sort of, except Bup is sort wondering “but Jennifer, and Claire could do all the things Liz can” on the basis that because they are the same gender it would be the same kind of things. Which would suggest that if I marry Rob, I would forever be shutting myself off from the possibility of all the Jennifers, Claires, Karens, and Esmeraldas out there. And wouldn’t that be a bummer?
So okay, Rob will never have his own boobies, and Liz never had a Little Elvis. But specific types of activities and the way they are performed are still so radically different from partner to partner anyway. There are different emotional contexts, diferent physical responses to stimuli, who is ticklish where… etc.
Jennifer couldn’t really do what Liz did, because she’s not Liz doing it. The type of activity may be the same, but each partner will ultimately perform slighty differently anyway. Liz made my rang my bell “ding, ding”, Jennifer may ring my bell “bong, bong.” And Jennifer is not Liz, and Liz is not Jennifer – and that is where there is a world of difference.
Each partner is a whole new journey that is specific to everything about them. that journey is exciting and inherently different because you’re with someone new. So whether it’s Rob or Jennifer that journey will be a new and exciting one. The activities that we share are going to evolve out of the unique connection we have.
Hence, if I marry Rob, I won’t miss the company of women anymore than I would miss the company of other men. Either way, I’m not going on new journey’s with new people (regardless of the types activities), because I’m content to continue my journey with Rob.
That is the exact concept that I could never explain to my former best friend (an admittedly closed-minded lesbian; I’m a straight chick, FWIW). She repeatedly claimed to not understand how bisexuals could ever be in relationships and remain bisexual, and I would try my hardest to explain that it was just like how she didn’t stop being a lesbian just because she was in a relationship. She didn’t stop being attracted to other women, and a bisexual wouldn’t stop being attracted to other men and women, but it didn’t mean anyone was going to cheat on anyone. It seemed obvious to me, but she just couldn’t get it: in her world, people were only straight or gay.
It’s also a distinction my mother doesn’t understand: my father is gay, and had several one-night stands with other men before he and my mom divorced. In her bitterness and naïveté – and knowing that my best friend was a lesbian, that I had several close gay male friends, and that I did almost all of my socializing in the community – she would often admonish me to “never marry a bisexual.” One day I finally said, “Mom, first of all, you didn’t marry a bisexual, you married a gay man. Second of all, someone’s sexual orientation is no indication of their ability to be faithful!” She seemed to understand, but has since conveniently forgotten. :rolleyes: