Blaming your current amore for things you choose to do is a weenie cop out.
Trying to keep your man, or woman by making yourself the only choice available pretty much says out loud, “I really suck, but you have no options.”
Being attracted to either of those folks in a relationship is seriously twisted. Not uncommon, though.
Relationship, ownership, it’s a tough call.
Tris
Uh…nope. My SO lost his best friend when he started dating a girl. Lost, completely, as she laid down the law that he was not to see my SO again or the relationship was over. Was it an unhealthy relationship? Definitely…but my SO’s friend hadn’t changed. He was just being controlled.
You bet my SO was upset and resentful over this.
I’m with cowgirl - you make it seem like women are evil bitches because we want to keep our friends! When guys feel the same way. It’s not a matter of “him spending more time with her”, it’s a matter of being cut off from your friend. That’s seriously OK with you? You can’t fix it, but you can sure as hell resent it.
Let’s put this shoe on the other foot.
I’ve been friends with women who quit hanging out with me or “the crowd” when they hooked up with a guy, and I didn’t cry about it. I figured that’s her business, life goes on, people meet & go their own ways. Suppose I (being a man & all) had made a fuss about it on some anonymous message board. I think most people on the board would have told me to get over it, some would have said I was being clingy, creepy or stalker-ish and a few would have accused me of not having sufficiently large/functional testes, much like the OP says about her ‘friends’.
So, yeah, that’s too bad. Now get over it, honey.
I’m a big burly giy, and I promise not to hang out with the bitch. Can I see your tits?
By what? Does his girlfriend have a magical hypnotic mind-controlling beer-dispensing vagina?
Seriously people… what the fuck? When someone blows you off, it’s because they CHOSE TO BLOW YOU OFF. I understand that convincing yourself that it’s somehow out of their control makes you feel better, but it’s still bullshit.
Exactly what I was thinking. The whole thing about dominance would seem to be a red herring. The issue is that his new girlfriend is not comfortable with him having contact with an old girlfriend. That doesn’t seem unreasonable at all to me, just like it wouldn’t be unreasonable for a man not to want his girlfriend to see her old boyfriend.
And, betenoir, what exactly does his physique have to do with anything? You are simultaneously claiming he’s “dominant” and faulting him for not being dominant, and it’s none of your business how he behaves in his new relationship anyway.
And while we’re at it, what’s going on with you that you need to get into relationships with men who dominate you? And why are you unable to sever the relationship?
Mmmmmm…beer dispensing vagina.
I don’t know…see, I think an awful lot of male-female ‘friendships’ aren’t exactly that. It’s more like, the male has some sexual interest in the female, and hopes it will develop into something. Even if they’ve never dated, even if they’ve had a night or two that sort of tailed off – in the guy’s mind, at least, there’s still a ‘potential sex partner’ aspect to the relationship, and that is part of what makes him want to spend time with her. (It probably happens the other way, too, but more rarely. Basically because if the female wants sex with a male who considers her a friend, he is more likely to oblige her and then sex is on-going.)
Anyway, so things go along in this M/F friendship, casual time spent together, maybe semi-dates to movies, invitations to each other’s parties, hanging out after work and so forth.
But then something happens to make it clear the ‘potential sex partner’ portion of the relationship is over. It could be that she is now involved/engaged/married to someone else or it could be he who is now involved/engaged/married to someone else. Either way, a chunk of the motivation behind his pursuing this ‘friendship’ goes away. If your friendship was an 8, maybe now it’s a 6 or 5 in the overall scheme.
After that…it comes down to time, really. There are only so many hours a week, and once you subtract work/sleeping/general life maintenance, the free hours left are precious. Some you want to devote to your own solo hobbies and some are for activities that you mainly share with friends of your own gender and only some are left for spending time with/doing things with friends of the opposite gender.
It doesn’t strike me as at all strange that most of that ‘time with opposite gender’ gets spent with the new love – most certainly in the early times. Why wouldn’t you choose to spend that time with your beloved? You love her, you enjoy time with her, you are having sex with her…
Yeah, the demoted friend is going to miss you, but that’s life. She needs to find new friends to spend her time with, and hopefully the new friend will grow into a deeper relationship and then it can be her other ex-friends who will feel she’s not devoting enough time to them.
And most importantly, is it import or domestic (which would make the dispenser location somewhat apropos, because domestic beer tastes like pee-pee water . . . but I digress)? 
I could be reading a lot into the OP, but I don’t think she’s disputing the *fact * that her friend chose to blow her off, but rather the reason he chose to blow her off. I think she’s saying that the choice was, in fact, IN his control, and he made (in her opinion) a bad one.
Others here have speculated that the whole “girlfriend” thing might be just an excuse to end a friendship that never meant much to him anyway, but if that’s true, I still think that makes him a dork, because why not just say “Hey, you’re nice and all, but I’m movin’ on,” rather than hide behind his new woman?
Outstanding post. Way to cut to the heart of the matter.
auntie em, as cynical as this may seem (and this isn’t my modus operandi but rather, I know people like this) you hide behind “the bitch” because you want to keep the person you’re blowing off on the hook for a little something down the lane if the opportunity opens up. That is not to say anything about bete noir, but rather the mindset. Most people know that the person who is going to get the brunt of the resentment is the “other” woman, not the sheepishly apologetic “so my SO says I can’t talk to you anymore”…especially since a lot of women do pride themselves on “not being like other women” or not liking other women or getting along with them or whatever.
See if you come right out and say, “hey, you’re lower priority to me but maybe we could get together again, either naked or otherwise when I’m free” you could shut down something you may want to hit up later (for whatever purpose).
Well, maybe I’m in the minority here, but if anyone - male or female - who is supposed to be my friend uses an SO as an excuse not to see me anymore (and I’m talking on a regular, ongoing basis, not the occasional, “Whoops! Can’t have dinner with you after all - Boyfriend’s soccer team made the playoffs, and he has a game that night…”, which I totally understand), I lose a butt-load of respect for that person, and so would not ever WANT to pick up the friendship again, even if that particular relationship ends.
I don’t feel softness or sympathy when people say this to me. I think, “Hmmm . . . who knew you were so pathetic?”
I agree with StarvingButStrong, except that I don’t think there’s always a sexual compenent to it. IME, it’s more that, sure, the guy will hang around with the ex-GF, now F, because he doesn’t really have anything better going on. BUT if the guy meets a romantic (sexual) interest – and new GF – he’s going to be spending waaaaay less time with the old GF, with whom there’s no chance a relationship will develop. IOW, it’s not the the BF hangs around old GF for the prospect of sex/relationship – there isn’t any – but that once that prospect arrives with someone else, he switches his attention and time to the new girl.
I don’t see anything wrong with this, really. Is it a little craven to say “my new GF doesn’t want me to see you anymore” when the truth is probably “I don’t want to see you anymore”? Sure. But people say things to deflect blame and avoid making them look bad. “My mom won’t let me stay out that late.” “My boss says I have to be on call that day.” “My wife says I need to spend more time at home.” All those can really me “You’ve invited me to something and I don’t want to go.” If the guy really wanted to be spending time with you instead of her, he’d be with you instead of her. Since he’s not, that’s his choice. What does he have to do, draw you a picture?
So it seems to me just as likely – more likely, in fact – that if the guy “grew a pair” the conversation he’d have would not be with his GF (“I don’t care what you say; I’m going to still hang out with her!”) but with you (“Okay, the truth is I don’t want to spend time with you anymore. Have a nice life.”)
Really? Sounded like projecting to me.
Unless it really is true that a vast majority of the male population can’t, in fact, carry on a friendship with a woman where the promise or hope of sex isn’t involved. If that’s the case, it’s ineffably sad.
It’s ineffably sad, then.
Starving’s post speaks for the vast majority of men, based on my own observations. I, myself, am not a good platonic friend to women … what Starving wrote hit home.
In high school, the guys came up with a theory that they found on some website. It went something like this:
Guys and girls are very rarely just right off the bat friends. In almost every case, the guy either wants to bang her or one of her friends. Of course, a real friendship can progress from that, but that’s usually how it begins.
I’ve yet to have a male friend where the above doesn’t apply, so it works for me.
Wow, almost 10 years ago a girlfriend from college looked me up. We “internet dated” for a while then hooked up. Then she went ballistic because she found out I had a female friend. My female friend and I never even saw each other naked, we just like being with each other. My new girlfriend demanded that I stop seeing my friend. I said goodbye - to the new girlfriend. I’m not particularly Dom, I’m just independant.
I don’t regret it, but note that I’m still alone, almost ten years later. Some guys don’t deal well with being alone.
If I was in a steady relationship with a woman, I would avoid associating with other women, because it’s not all about sex, dammit. (Okay, I may be alone in my opinon about that.) When you choose to spend time with one person or another to the exclusion of a third, you are telling the third person that they are less ‘good’ to be around than the person you actually chose. (Good meaning fun, rewarding, likely to develop into a deeper relationship, likely to put out, whichever.) If I’ve committed myself to a relationship, then I’ve made my choice. If I didn’t prefer one over the other, they’d both be just friends. Simple as that.
If I had committed myself to a girl and was in the position of ‘amping down’ the old frend, I would try to put her off with an explanation that would attempt to be gentle and yet explain my position, but would actually come out sounding that explained nothing and sounded terrible in every way. I would manage to sound like I was insulting the friend, blaming the girlfriend, and emascuating myself with a salad fork all at once. (What can I say? I’m not good at being diplomatic.) I would not simply blame the girlfriend…though when the rubble settled the (former) friend might think I had.
As for if my girlfriend ordered me not to associate with an old female friend? I don’t know; I’ve never dated a bitch. She might ask me not to, or I might decide not to on my own, though; not all people are as secure in themselves as some of you guys are making yourself out to be. I’d imagine that it’s hard to feel like that one special girl if your boyfriend chooses to spend his time with other all his time with other women. (Even if he’s not having sex with them.) So I’d avoid the old friend to avoid messing with my girlfriend’s head.
Based on this logic, i assume you have one—and only one—male friend, and that you spend time with him to the exclusion of all other men.
I assume, also, that when you are in a steady relationship with a woman, you also choose not to associate with your male friend.
They don’t want to fight with their girlfriends about it. That’s the bottom line. I’m guessing the guys didn’t really feel that close to you, and when he has less free time and less need for a bootie call, you fall by the wayside. Sucks, but it’s quite a typical occurrence.
I don’t think of my male friends, whether I’ve fucked them in the past or not, in these terms. I wonder if it’s not this attitude that is alienating these guys’ girlfriends somehow? You could have had him at any time. He’s only with her because you don’t want him anymore. And she should be totally groovy with him hanging out with you? I mean, her relationship with him virtually hangs in the balance of your good graces, after all…
But if he broke up with her, you might be right on that? Well, I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t feel too safe if my BF were spending a lot of time with a woman who had that attitude. Think about it from the GF’s POV. She doesn’t know you, and who knows in what situation you might try to assert your (admittedly continuing) sexual interest? Even if he’s not interested, and even if she totally trusts him, why would she have to be anything other than uncomfortable with him hanging out with you? You are a tried and true sex partner for him that is willing to fuck him again if things don’t work out with her. No friend of hers. If he’s not willing to assert that you are a really good, meaningful, lifelong friend, it might be hard for him to justify his continued association with you as anything other than reserve sex partner.
How would you feel if your boyfriend had a former fuck buddy, now friend, who you knew thought she could have him anytime she wanted him? Would you want him hanging out with her?
Maybe you’re just saying this bit out of frustration and don’t literally mean it, that you could have him anytime. However, there are women who do treat their male friends this way… he’s a reserve cock in case she wants one. Hell, maybe he realizes that about your friendship and now that he’s in love, wants to sever those weird ties, which are not totally platonic?
He shouldn’t be blaming this on his GF. Ultimately, it’s his choice not to talk to you anymore. No one can force him. Remember that when you get angry here.
I have a friend who I have known for almost ten years, who was a part of the group of us who bonded in college and became an adoptive family. There never was anything other than friendship between me and this guy, and never will be. He’s the kind of guy who would help me hide the bodies and never ask where they came from. For years we had ‘guys night’, and I was always there.
Then he started dating this chick, this insecure bitch, who expressed her disgust that I was ‘invited’ to guys night. She expressed this in front of one of the other guys. My two friends, my brothers-by-choice, told her ‘Nina is not ever invited to guys night. Nina is one of us. Her presence at guys night is expected.’ When the new girlfriend balked and insisted that she was coming to guys night too, so long as I was there, we had one guys night where she was included. After it was over, the six of us (minus her) agreed that guys night was canceled. We decided to give it up rather than have our time together destroyed by her.
He stood up to her when she forbid him to speak to me, which has never happened before. Four years later, she’s gone, he has a new girlfriend, and he and I are still friends. The six of us have in many ways moved on with our lives. We’re scattered over the world, and are still brothers-by-choice.
Sometimes they don’t abandon their friend for their girlfriend. It’s not always about a girlfriend being more important than a friend. I think it’s important to remember the people who have been there for you, beside you, done things for you, supported you, and believed in you no matter what. I think it’s important to remember that family isn’t always determined by blood. Anybody I date accepts those five guys, or he hits the road. That’s just how it is.